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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset that dh said hello to this woman

77 replies

wagonweel1 · 06/11/2011 20:30

i have namechanged here.

I have a group of friends I met about 5 years ago via anti-natal classes. We have kept in touch and had nights out and lunch etc. However, one of the girls in the group wasnt really my cup of tea, she was quite bitchy about people if they wernt there and was really stroppy and unreasonable if we couldnt make any of the nights out etc.

Things recently came to a head when she told one of the group that I had said something that I hadnt and I decided I didnt really want to be around her. There was no big argument, just a disagreement which resulted in me saying that I didnt really want to meet up with her again and that sometimes friendships just come to a natural end. To be honest, it felt like such a relief to know that I didnt have to see her again. I contacted the rest of the group the next day to let them know that I wouldnt be going on any more nights out if she was there but that they needn't feel that they should take sides. To be honest, they arent my lifelong friends, I have friends I have known 30 years from school that I still see every month for lunch/nights out. I havent got much in common with them, we just became friendly due to having our children at the same time. The result was that much of the group secretly felt the same as me but no one was confident enough to do anything about it. I've since seen 1 or 2 of the group for coffee and I know that 1 of the other girls is still in touch with the "ex-friend".

The problem I have is this, "ex-friend" now blatantly ignores me when she sees me, she wont even say hello, so does her sister and her cousin. My dh happens to know her sister and cousin and whenever we see them they say a cheery "hello wagonweel1's dh" and dh reciprocates but they blatantly ignore me. They used to say hello to me, Ive even been to their homes in the past. Goodness knows what "ex-friend" has been saying to them.

It doesnt really upset me that they ignore me in the street, I couldnt really care less, its no loss to me, but what upsets me is that dh still says hello to them even though they are being so rude to me. DH and me can be walking down the street together and this can happen.

Ive spoken to dh about it but he says that I cant expect him to ignore someone just because they ignore me, he says its nothing to do with him. But I think it makes me look foolish and if it was the other way round I would find it hard to say hello to someone who quite obviously ignored my dh for something that had nothing to do with them.

OP posts:
bringmesunshine2009 · 06/11/2011 22:00

reality that was damn funny. If OP thinks it purile, well no loss there.

YABU. You emailled everyone? And then wonder why you are blanked?

Madness I tell ya.

TandB · 06/11/2011 22:00

YABU.

Your husband is behaving like an adult and showing adult courtesy. Even if they are being childish, that does not mean it is appropriate for you and your husband to behave in the same way, and I don't know why you would want to - it can't make you feel good about yourself surely?

Get over it and move on.

frutilla · 06/11/2011 22:01

YANBU. I think DH should support you otherwise it looks as if he is condoning their treatment of you and more or less thinks you were in the wrong not them. Demand some solidarity...

redcamels · 06/11/2011 22:03

Don't expect DH to get involved in your tiffs.

Just grab them ins bug bear hug next time you see them, then they'll avoid you like the plague.

JustForThisFred · 06/11/2011 22:07

YANBU - I agree with frutilla.

dreamingbohemian · 06/11/2011 22:12

I don't know, I think YANBU

It's not about being childish or controlling or anything else people have said, it's knowing that you would not be polite to someone who was being an arse to your DH and are upset that he doesn't feel the same way.

I also don't think your email was that bad an idea, why should you leave a whole group of people thinking you've gone off them when it's just one person you're wanting to avoid?

I mean, the whole situation does sound pretty silly, but I'm surprised you're getting such a flaming here. But, I'm a New Yorker, we're very direct and extremely tribal, so perhaps that's why I'm in the YANBU camp Grin

Arachnophobic · 06/11/2011 22:20

wagon I can see why you are pissed off but if your OH is like my DP my DP would be simply unable to refrain from saying hi if someone said hello to him. Don't take it personally. And ignore the haters on here [yawn] I understand why you are a bit upset, nothing wrong with bring human!

Arachnophobic · 06/11/2011 22:21

being bloody Ipad

cheesesarnie · 06/11/2011 22:27

hes being polite and using his manners.hes being a grown up.
fair enough you dont get on with this 'ex friend' you cant get on with everyone.her family are being childish by ignoring you but by you ignoring them and your attitude towards your dh,you are being just as bad.

boohoobabywho · 06/11/2011 22:46

i feel for you.

i worked with a woman who made my life a misery, i can tell you the details but its not the point of this post. anyway i spent a couple of years on the sofa trying to get over her bullying. i used to get home from work and just sob my heart out. and DH was there and saw the impact her behaviour had on me.

fast forward 3 years, i'm over it and have a dd and am pushing the pram round mothercare and she simpers over to have a look, i turned the pram around, stuck my nose in the air and walked off.

Meanwhile DH turns to her and strikes up a conversation with her! I was outraged. And when i pulled him up on it he just shrugged and said that i had been incredibly rude to her. I pointed out that she wouldnt speak to me when she was being paid to, so she could go and F@K herself if she thought i would speak to her 'on my time'.

I felt incredibly betrayed by my DH.

We are well over it now though and i have moved on, but i still couldnt get over the fact that he thought more of her feelings than mine.

QuintessentialShadow · 06/11/2011 22:59

Yabu. Your husband is just polite. He wont get involved in a spat his wife is involved in. It is not a life shattering offense, get some perspective, it is just a spat. Your husband has not done anything to them, and they have not done anything to offend him!

For all he knows, you may make up in a month, a year, and how will he seem then? A soft wet slipper who involves himself in his partners silly feuds.

Both your ex friends and your husband are wise enough to realize that they should not involve anybody further into this disagreement. If either of them were to suddenly stop saying hello to the other, they would just escalate the conflict.

I think you were behaving really immaturely, sending a group email telling everybody you did not want to come to any gatherings this particular woman went to. I would find it extremely rude, and stirring up trouble. Your actions are the cause of the conflicts in the group. I am not surprised they are talking about you. It seems to me like you were a drama queen throwing your rattles out of the pram. Why not just distance yourself rather than behaving so spectacularly primadonna-ish? What were you hoping to achieve sending those emails?

slavetofilofax · 06/11/2011 23:00

I don't think YABU.

I would never speak to someone that was deliberatly rude to my DH, and if he didn't show the same sort of loyalty to me, I would feel very hurt.

slavetofilofax · 06/11/2011 23:06

Both your ex friends and your husband are wise enough to realize that they should not involve anybody further into this disagreement. If either of them were to suddenly stop saying hello to the other, they would just escalate the conflict.

I disagree. The ex friends probably only spke to the DH to emphasise the fact that they were not talking to the OP, otherwise a quick smile of acknowlegement would have sufficed. And the conflict between OP and her DH is being escalated because he is being unsupportive of her when someone completely insignificant to his life is being rude to her. It is more important to maintain a relationship with the person you are married to than it is to maintain a relationship with someone who will be rude to an accquaintances wife because of a disagreement she had with your cousin/sister.

Crazybit · 06/11/2011 23:06

I don't think you're being unreasonable. DP chose my friends feelnigs over me once. I have never quite fully forgiven him.

Swankyswishing · 06/11/2011 23:29

It's funny because recently on here I saw a thread where someone wanted to ditch a friend discreetly by not meeting up with her, and she got given a hard time for not being upfront with her friend about why she was pissed off with her. And now on this thread the OP is being given a hard time for doing just that but being told she shouldn't have said anything! Ok the emails probably weren't the best idea ever, but I think the OP has acted assertively for dumping the friend (who lets face it has done things that aren't very nice or very friend-like).

OP, YANBU, these women sound very childish and you are not being unreasonable to expect some support from your DH. Mine wouldn't want to pass the time of day with someone that was deliberately being rude and ignorant towards me.

runningwilde · 06/11/2011 23:33

Yanbu at all

Your dh should openly ask then why they are ignoring you. He should not let anyone treat you so rudely. Tell him to put you first and ask them why they are ignoring you next time they do this. It is terrible that he puts them first by ignoring their shitty behaviour towards you.

PartyPooperz · 06/11/2011 23:44

Runningwilde has the right idea - if he is so concerned about manners and being polite maybe he can politely ask why they are ignoring you when they say hello to him?

sparklythings · 07/11/2011 19:26

Christ, I'm sorry but you all sound like you're 5 years old and need to grow up a little bit.
I agree with your dh - why should he get involved and play the same silly game as you all are?! He's acting dignified and 'normal' , and refusing to get drawn in - he sounds like a sensible, decent bloke to me! Smile

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 07/11/2011 19:29

Grow up

fedupofnamechanging · 07/11/2011 19:56

YANBU. It's a pretty sad state of affairs when you can't expect automatic loyalty from your own spouse.

If the sister and cousin of the ex friend can show loyalty to her, by making a point of publicly blanking you, then your husband ought to show loyalty to you, by not allowing them to do this. In saying hello to them, he is helping them to emphasise that they are deliberately ignoring you.

It's not good manners to your partner if you don't support them. It's supposed to be the two of you, united and loyal to each other.

If my dh did this, I would be really unhappy. it's not as if he disagrees with you about her behaviour being unreasonable.

redwineformethanks · 07/11/2011 20:30

Don't think it was a good idea for you to phone the other mutual friends to say you wouldn't go on a night out if she was going. I doubt that has helped the situation

Conundrumish · 07/11/2011 20:31

Sacrelao - No I don't fall out with people my DH doesn't like. However, we tend to have the same judgement about people and if someone had been rude to him, then no, I wouldn't want to remain friends with them. Why would I?

Of course I don't tell him who he can or cannot speak to.

BlackSwan · 07/11/2011 20:54

Just tell him to pick a side, yours or hers & be done with it.

My eyes glaze over when women start talking about getting together with their 'NCT friends'... it's just a bunch of people you're thrown together with because your babies are due around the same time. I always stifle a snort of laughter when my friends say 'I decided not to invite the NCT girls to DC's party...'. I can't say 'That's because they're not your real friends!', but I don't.

BlackSwan · 07/11/2011 20:55

Could correct that but YKWIM...

wagonweel1 · 07/11/2011 21:00

I dont know why everyone thinks I emailed the rest of the group the day after to let them know what happened. Thats a completely wrong assumption. The group were all together when it came to a head, so everyone knew what had been said. I contacted everyone just to make it clear really that I didnt want them to feel they had to take sides. By adding that I would not go out if this woman was going to be there I just felt that I was making things clear. Afterall, if I received an invitation to go out with them I would have to turn it down for this reason anyway so what is the difference.

OP posts:
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