AIBU to be frustrated with my mum?

[crazybutterfly]

First ever post on MN but really could do with outside opinion:

My DH and I live about a four hour drive from my parents and are due to have our first child in the next couple of weeks. This will be the second grandchild for my parents (the first for my in-laws). My MIL lives abroad about a four hour plane journey away.

My mum is lovely but can be quite overbearing and DH and I decided early on that we would like to have the first couple of weeks whilst DH is on paternity leave on our own in order to get used to being a family and familiarise ourselves with our baby and how to care for him. We discussed this separately with both my mum and MIL who both agreed to respect our wishes.

However, I have just finished speaking to my mum who informed me that she would not be mailing me the things that she has knitted for the baby as they (her and Dad will be visiting) shortly after the birth so there is no point.

They are coming up at Christmas but I got the impression that this would be a an earlier visit as she stated that DH could let her know of our plans (i.e. when they can visit) when he calls to to announce the birth.

Since our original request to be given space in the first two weeks we have found out that I can stay at the local maternity unit for a few days post birth so ideally they could visit then; assuming that it is at a weekend or they can take time off work.

So I guess my question is am I being unreasonable in being annoyed and frustrated with my mum for seeming to ignore my request to give us some space following the birth (since she does not know about maternity unit)?

I guess that this issue is coupled with my growing anxiety regarding Christmas as our baby will be about 4-5 weeks old and both my mum and ; my sister (who will also be coming up) have recently made comments regarding how we WILL be parenting e.g. "the baby should be it's own room from the beginning", "you won't be going out much in the first weeks because you will be establishing a routine". I am planning to EBF so I really don't think there will be a set routine of four hourly feeds running by Christmas (if ever) and depending upon how the baby sleeps he may sleep in our room in the beginning to make night feeding easier.

In some ways I feel that IABU as because we clearly stated that we would not wish to travel at Christmas my parents and sister decided to rent a cottage near to us for 1 week around Christmas in order to spend it with us.

They can fuck off back to their cottage if they don't like whatever routine you have.

It seems a little weird to me that immediate family wouldn't be allowed to visit, even for a short while after the birth. Yet your sister is going to spend Christmas with you.

As long as you aren't being expected to put them up then I would let them visit. It is understandable they will want to meet there grandchild and do so while the baby is still a tiny newborn and you will probably find you want to show the baby off!

I also think they just want to visit, normal.

If they annoy you about routine, just tell em a load of lies and politely 6et rid of them. It would be quite rude to ban all visits.

I think you are over thinkin6 everythin6.

Ummm I can see her point.

I really cannot fathom why so many people have so many issues with their parents. Either that or this is just a collective place on the internet.

Everyone has opinions on babies - opinions are like arse holes - everyone has one. If you don't like the comments your mum and sister are making just wait till you start the round of playgroups and navigate pre-school.

Anyway, if she's that awful - did you turn out so badly? Maybe her ideas have a grain of sense in them shrug

Anyway FWIW - I dont know anyone who didnt have the cot/moses basket in their room for at least 6 weeks before shifting the baby into their own room. Some have the cot for much longer.

I do think YABU a baby doesnt just 'belong' to the parents - it should be 'belong' to the whole family. There will come a day when you've pushed her away that you are moaning she wont baby sit to give you a break or is disinterested.

From my POV, be grateful you have a mother who wants to help out and is interested. Mine is dead, so is DHs. We'd give anything for a bit of interferance support .

OK, now I'm on the pc rather than my phone..

So issue 1 is that you told her you didn't want visitors for the first fortnight. She's decided that you didn't mean her - but that's now ok (even if she doesn't know it) because you'll probably be in the maternity unit so she can visit you there. Sorted. I don't think there's much point in re-iterating that you did mean her not visiting, because now it doesn't matter.

Issue 2 is that you are worried that she and your sister will take over when they come at Christmas. That's only going to happen if you let it. Practice the broken record technique - "we are doing X this way, we think it works for us" and then remember they are your guests and will bugger off at the end of every day.

I couldn't, and wouldn't, have kept my DM away for 2 whole weeks after giving birth. We'd have never survived without her support!

You are in the exact position we were in last year. DH's mother stayed with us from when DD was 5 days until she was 10 days old. The whole experience was a nightmare! My advice to anyone in this situation is no house guests for at least the first two weeks. Visitors for a couple of hours who are helpful with washing, tea making etc more than welcome. Saying that, things are so up and down. I remember one of DH's friends visiting at about 6 days and I just hid away and cried because I did not want to see anyone! There is so much pressure on you already, I really wouldn't put yourself in the position of host so early on. But good luck!

YANBU. I do think it would be nice if they were able to make a short visit to either your hospital or home shortly after the birth, but I understand why you wouldn't want them as houseguests, especially if you think they'll be unsupportive of your parenting style. Breastfeeding can be difficult to establish and I think having supportive people around you in the early days is very important.

OP, think about the child you are about to give birth to. In twenty or so years, when that child is about to have a child of their own, would it be hurtful to be told that you are not welcome to see your grandchild for a couple of weeks? I suspect it would.

Your family seem to want to go out of their way to see you and spend time with you. One day you might appreciate it.

Ah well we told all our immediate family that we would let them know when we moved onto the ward and didn't want visitors straight away and then my dad still turned up to the delivery suite!

I think honestly in the first few weeks as long as visitors don't stay too longit is only to be expected!

I am with trois - my mum also has died and I would give anything to have her back interfering! And ds was in a Moses basket until he outgrew

Next: 'I have just given birth to their first grandchild. AIBU that my mum has said that she won't come and see the baby for at least 2 weeks and will just post the presents. You'd think that she'd be really keen to see her'.

I wouldn't call your Mum a 'visitor', unless you don't get on.

My mother is a pain in the neck (we haven't had terrible rows or anything, I didn't have an abusive childhood, we just don't have much in common and I'm a disappointment to her), and she is a "visitor" when she comes here because all her visits do is create extra work for us. She doesn't even like DS much, never mind me: she comes out of a sense that she really ought to want to spend time with her grandson.

Sorry, hit post too soon - I don't think YABU. You need to do whatever suits you best for those first few weeks.

I think you should just let the first visits happen as soon as you can and then stagger the second wave. You will feel much better about it. Less pressure.

I also agree with Sauvignon. I don't think I'd regard my mum as a visitor. If I had kept her and PILs away from the DCs for two weeks when they were born without even a small cuddle it would've broken their hearts and I would've felt like a right shit. But then not all family dynamics are close like mine, so if you do have a bit of an issue with your family, it's more understandable why you'd want to keep them away. You may hurt their feelings though, so be prepared for that.

I think you're just being a bit skittish about things, you really don't know how you will feel after the birth. You may be grateful for having loved ones around to fuss over you and the baby. Also, be very careful not to push them out, you will do a 180 when you need a babysitter.

YANBU You will never ever get those first few weeks back. Do what you want to do. I was swamped by visitors and it ruined it for me. Just my opinion and experiences but I still feel sad about it.

I wouldn't wish my mum to move in with me but lots of visits would be very welcome.

I think working out what your issue with family is (insecurity about your own mothering skills?) and then working out why you can't be clear and assertive with them about your wishes.

Personally, I think it's really sad to have a baby- and nobody visits.

You have a tongue in your head - yes ? Use it ! Open your mouth and say 'Mum/Sister I did tell you that DH and I dont want any visitors for first couple of weeks after the birth so obviously as we dont know exactly when that will be dont make any arrangements yet'.

But seriously there is nothing worse than sitting there stewing with resentment because you didnt speak out. People can only dominate you and overrule your wishes if you allow them to.

You will want a bit of time to get into the swing of things and to rest up, but I do think banning all visitors including GPs is extreme and not something I've ever heared of outside MN.

I'd have needed a court order and security guards to achieve that.

Someone made a good point about thinking into the future, will you find it reasonable when it's your grandchild? I can't imagine how heartbroken I'd be in dd kept me a way from my grandchild and thought of me as a visitor.

BTW I had my lovely (pfb) daughter 9 days before Christmas, and 2.5 weeks early and we managed to have a fairly normal christmas, except I couldn't be bothered to decorate.

Thanks for the quick replies :-)

PorkChop: your response made me smile and recognise that as Molly says I might be overthinking things a wee bit (perhaps my brain trying to find a distraction from worrying about process of giving birth!)

LyingWitch: To clarify immediate family are not "banned" as such, we just politely requested time (2 weeks) to get used to being a family and adjust to being parents. My sister, her DD, her DP and my parents are all coming up so that we can spend Christmas together as a family and I guess I presumed that as the baby will only be a few weeks old (and given the distances involved) that they would all meet the baby then. My FIL is coming up to spend New Year with us and will meet baby then and at present and MIL will probably come to stay for a week or so sometime in the new year. Furthermore, all relatives will be sent first pictures and regular updates.

Trosi: I do not think that my baby "belongs" to me/DH - see above regarding planned visits, provision of photos and updates. As all grandparents live about four hours away (by road or plane) I doubt that they are going to be available for regular babysitting but I take your point about how my mum may feel that I am pushing her away this is not my intention so perhaps I need to think some more on this!

Oh I really hope my dc let be visit when i have GC or i might burst. TBH the first while after having a baby is quite dull i think you may regret not letting them visit i would arrange for them to stay in a hotel rather than with you and maybe just reiterate to your mum that you just want a visit and perhaps a takeaway or home cooked meal bringing.

I couldn't wait to show of my newborns and had to stay in hospital a couple of days with dc2 it was very lonely. My DM can be very overbearing but has been on best behaviour on visits after new babies, they often remember what is like you know.

I too think that you are forseeing problems where none exist (yet). Your parents haven't actually said they want to visit during the 2-week window you told them not to - you just got the impression that they expected an earlier visit than Xmas. As others have said, I think this is a reasonable expectation for devoted grandparents (and now works anyway with the maternity place).

Also, you don't know they will make annoying comments about your baby's routine (or lack of it) - you may find they are very willing to fall in with your wishes. Agree it would be useful to have a couple of phrases in your head if the need arises, but don't start off being too defensive!