AIBU to be frustrated with my mum?

[crazybutterfly]

First ever post on MN but really could do with outside opinion:

My DH and I live about a four hour drive from my parents and are due to have our first child in the next couple of weeks. This will be the second grandchild for my parents (the first for my in-laws). My MIL lives abroad about a four hour plane journey away.

My mum is lovely but can be quite overbearing and DH and I decided early on that we would like to have the first couple of weeks whilst DH is on paternity leave on our own in order to get used to being a family and familiarise ourselves with our baby and how to care for him. We discussed this separately with both my mum and MIL who both agreed to respect our wishes.

However, I have just finished speaking to my mum who informed me that she would not be mailing me the things that she has knitted for the baby as they (her and Dad will be visiting) shortly after the birth so there is no point.

They are coming up at Christmas but I got the impression that this would be a an earlier visit as she stated that DH could let her know of our plans (i.e. when they can visit) when he calls to to announce the birth.

Since our original request to be given space in the first two weeks we have found out that I can stay at the local maternity unit for a few days post birth so ideally they could visit then; assuming that it is at a weekend or they can take time off work.

So I guess my question is am I being unreasonable in being annoyed and frustrated with my mum for seeming to ignore my request to give us some space following the birth (since she does not know about maternity unit)?

I guess that this issue is coupled with my growing anxiety regarding Christmas as our baby will be about 4-5 weeks old and both my mum and ; my sister (who will also be coming up) have recently made comments regarding how we WILL be parenting e.g. "the baby should be it's own room from the beginning", "you won't be going out much in the first weeks because you will be establishing a routine". I am planning to EBF so I really don't think there will be a set routine of four hourly feeds running by Christmas (if ever) and depending upon how the baby sleeps he may sleep in our room in the beginning to make night feeding easier.

In some ways I feel that IABU as because we clearly stated that we would not wish to travel at Christmas my parents and sister decided to rent a cottage near to us for 1 week around Christmas in order to spend it with us.

I think after the parents and siblings GPs are the next most important family members in their lives. As others have said how would you feel years down the line when your children tell you that you can't visit straight away to see their baby. Why don't you just emphasise that to begin with visits need to be short as you will be exhausted and may be self concious establishing breast feeding.

I personally would give my left arm to have a sister and a mum, mine passed away and never met two of her grandchildren. And while my mil and I are not that close my dcs are a big part of her. Having children myself made me really appreciate my own dm and mil, we are still their babies no matter how old we are and that is actually a lovely thing in most cases and one we should be grateful for.

OP - I know how you feel, but like others I am advising you to think carefully.

When I was pregnant with DS 2 years ago I read all sorts of MN threads on this topic and sort of absorbed the idea that having time as new parents was the 'right thing to do'.

When DS was born I did a total 180 and couldn't wait to have close family up to see him! I needed the emotional support and reassurance of even having them present and they knew my sharp character well enough to back off with well-meaning advice or criticisms in the early days!

You said, "To clarify immediate family are not "banned" as such, we just politely requested time (2 weeks) to get used to being a family and adjust to being parents."
That is a sweet sentiment but a bit short-sighted. I can assure you now that even after 2 full weeks just you, DH and baby you will not be adjusted. You will be more up in the air than ever as sleepless nights will be catching up with you. In fact, DS is almost 2 yrs old now and it's only been in the past few months that my head has stopped spinning!

It's okay to think now that you might want 2 weeks alone, but don't carve it in stone as you might well change your mind.

HTH and that is wasn't too rambling!

I think you are also overthinking this. You haven't had the baby yet, and you have no idea what sort of routine you may have by Christmas.

I think it is a little odd to not want your parents to visit even briefly for a fortnight after giving birth, and as someone else said, you may feel in the future that when one of your children is having your first grandchild, that to be told youre not allowed to see them for a fortnight is a little hurtful.

As for Christmas - i don't see the problem. They are renting a cottage nearby, so they arent living in your pockets. Organise a couple of meals together and let them do their own thing the rest of the time. Sorted.

Another way of looking at this, your mum is the one person who knows you best, and who also knows exactly what it is like to have a new baby and how utterly exhausting it is.

Other than your husband, your mum should be the one person who you trust with your most precious item above anyone else. Everyone who I have known to have a baby has been so glad of their mum there so that they can go and have a bath, or a lie down, safe in the knowledge that the baby is being cared for by someone who they can trust. Your husband will be able to nip out to the shops for you, or do any other errands that need doing, happy that your mum is there with you and you are not panicking on your own.

There is plenty of time over the next few weeks to get settled into routine and family life, but for the first couple of weeks while your body recovers and you regain your strength, your mum should be a valuable help to you if you can let her and she is willing.

Can i also say i know this is your first baby but think carefully about what you will do in future pregnancies we are on alert for dc3 and my MIL will be the one minding my other 2 when i go into baby she has been a star and is also incredibly helpful and kind to me i have been staying with her as my dh has been away and i didn't want to be on my own. You may need your DM alot more in the future and is it really fair to only have her around when you need her she must be so excited.

Gosh - I just can't imagine telling the grandparents they weren't allowed to see my dc's until they were at least 2 weeks old.

SIL did this and lovely mil is still incredibly hurt - she just wanted to see her adored gc who she loves very much.

Yes by all means don't let them overstay their welcome and ignore comments re. routines - I find just changing the subject works well. Or just laugh and say well its not the 1950's now - we do things differently now

But good luck for the birth and I was slightly prone to over-thinking stuff at the end of each of my pregnancies. And in reality - well the support and help both my mother and in-laws gave me after each birth was invaluable and I know it meant a lot to them to be there to help and see their new grandchildren.

Getting photos and updates isnt in any way the same as having a newborn cuddle!

Don't forget during that 2 week period your house will cleaning/ tidying, you will create more laundry than you've ever seen before and you and DH will still need to eat.
All tasks lovingly performed by my darling DM (God rest her soul), DH and I would have gone under without her. Practical help is worth its weight in gold and emotional support for you is priceless.
Unless your DH is already a parent don't expect him to instantly know what to do.

I can see why you wouldn't want any prolonged visits in the first 2 weeks, but speaking as a mother I can't imagine having to wait 2 weeks to see my first grandchild.

Can they come for a very short visit and stay in a B&B?

I really hope you don't have the problems you forsee.

yanbu, bloody hell thye are telling oyu what to do already.

as for put the baby in its own room, and how you will be doing a routine....

well!

Your mum just wants to meet her new grandchild, which is understandable. My mum and ILs both live the other side of the country to us. Both travelled all the way to the hospital the day after each of my children were born to visit for just a couple of hours before travelling all the way home.

I guess the reason they did this was because meeting their grandchild early on was very important to them. It's one of those life moments isn't it?

For me, I was grateful that they were so keen to see us that they travelled that distance for just a 20 minute cuddle with the newborn. Nobody asked to stay with us though, and everyone drove all the way back home to return a week or so later once we had had chance to settle in to family life.

If I were you I would let your mum come along and meet her grandchild earlier than Christmas. If she isn't staying with you then it won't really affect you or your routines etc, but it will be a memory that she will treasure forever.

YABU at all! And think you should tell your Mum to back right off, and you will tell her when you're happy to have her visit and for how long, you don't know how the birth or the days after will go, maybe you'll want your mum, maybe visitors will be the last thing you want. It's your choice, and your mum is being VVU to have ignored your statement about visitors.

We told all our family that there would be no visitors until at least the month after our baby was born, and they all respected it, were happy to respect our need to be with the baby. In the end they came earlier because we were happy to, had things been different then we would've been very pleased to have already got the ground rules in place.

Certainly GPs may be the next most important people in a childs life over parents (although that very much depends on the family situation) but the baby doesn't know who it's seeing in the first few weeks and it should make no difference at all. It could make a difference to the family though as the parents are getting to grips to life with the baby, outside criticism comments however correct and well intentioned could still cause pain that's not needed.

SauvignonBlanche If DH still needs to eat, surely he can cook himself some food? I'd be absolutely horrified if MIL arrived to cook for me (she never has, despite staying with us for a couple of months in total)

YANBU :( I am so crap...

I find forcing family to miss out on the first month of a childs life quite sad. The baby may not know who they are seeing but the grandparents and other relatives do.

Hi
This is what we requested aswell with our 1st DD-but it was 1 week instead of 2!! PIL were fine about it-found it a bit weird but fine!! My mum was really upset & caused all sorts of upset, to the point that she would not answer the phone to me when I really needed to tell her that DD had to be admitted back into hospital & then caused another upset that we did not ask her to pick us up to & from the hospital!!
All we wanted was time alone as a family to bond & get routines going aswell, they were all welcome at the hospital as we were there for 2/3 days after DD being born & to honest I was grateful for the company at the hospital & after the week was up at home!!
Hope everything goes better for you & hope all goes well with arrival of baby!!
Take care.

It's totally up to you if you want to see your mother, or anyone else, after your baby is born. I was prepared - through gritted teeth - to put up with a brief visit from my parents three days or something after DD1 was born but that was it.

And when it comes to my own grandchildren...well, I'm trying to make a better relationship with my daughters than my parents had with me. Totally different thing.

You aren't even sure that your mum is planning on coming before Christmas,you say that you have 'the impression' that she might be coming sooner.

Talk to her.You are overthinking this ,I feel.

Hi OP,

I understand some of your points. When I was pregnant, I felt very unsure how I'd feel with a new baby and couldn't bear the thought of visitors/guests. I wanted to breastfeed and felt that I wouldn't be comfortable doing that in front of anyone. I just felt the pressure of visitors would be too much. Actually, I may have been a bit mad about it.

I also asked my mum to come down after two weeks to help with the baby when DH went back to work. But I understood that she was so excited at the birth we agreed that my DH would ring when I had the baby and she and my PIL would come the next day whatever the travel needed. Then everyone would go home, all our sisters/brothers would come the next available weekend and go home again. And then people would come to stay when we felt ready.

I was just honest with everyone saying I felt anxious and needed them just this once to please pander to any madness. When we established everyone would see the baby quickly - without staying - everyone seemed fine.

When DS was born, I was a bit out of it but actually thrilled to show him off. My mother was invaluable when she did stay when DH went back to work and this way was a good way of handling it for everyone. My mum left after 3 weeks and my PIL came for a night.

Anyway, neither set of parents lives close (4 hours travel and 6+ hours travel) so neither set of parents are babysitting material but are still invaluable for helping out.

So my advice would be to talk to your families and say how you would be thrilled for everyone to meet the baby but you will need to wait a little while for guests.

Is that possible?

FredFred I'd die if my MIL cooked for me, she's a terrible cook!
I certainly wouldn't have wanted her round for long just after I'd given birth either. The OP is referring to her Mum which is entirely different relationship.
.

Surely a 30 or 60 minute visit from the baby's grandparent won't be likely to cause disruption to the routine in any significant way? Unless your mother is a nightmare, I would gently suggest that 2 weeks is a bit unreasonable, and that you may be pleasantly surprised by how helpful you find them...

sauvingnonblanc I think alas it is the way of things that kids are generally ungrateful about the sacrifices of their parents. I adore my amazing mum and still in my approaching baby madness didn't want her to stay with me (as frankly I even felt crowded by my husband). Now DS is a bit older, my mum is no longer considered a visitor but a lifesaver.

SauvignonBlanche My MIL is my DP's Mum (ie the one actually having the baby) so I think the point is the same.

EricNorthmansMistress Would the Mum really travel for 8 hours for a 30 minute visit?

I'm really quite surprised how important everyone seems to think the GP's visiting is, as I said our GP's didn't meet DD for many weeks after the birth, they seem to love her and be interested in her every bit as much as otherwise - I'm sure they would've liked to see her quicker but it's not made a difference and they were very happy with our decision.

Or so they said fredfred.

My mil didn't say anything to my bil and his wife because she was worried they'd make any visits in the future impossible.

I get the idea of babymoons but not at the exclusion of letting grandparents meet the baby.

Also I am sure that if/when my dd has a baby - well I'll want to see my dd and reassure myself that she is ok after going through childbirth.

I'm a grandmother and I was fortunate enough to see my two little beauties within a few hours of their births. We're a very close family and I was absolute gagging to see them. I hope you relent and let your family celebrate the birth of their new family member as soon as they can. Try not to be sensitive about the good advice people give. I listened when I was a young mum, let it go straight out of one ear, did my own thing and struggled at times. Good luck with everything as your baby will grow up in a secure world with a loving extended family!

Hi, once again thank you for all the replies. Me and DH have discussed this further and feel that given the change in circumstances since we originally discussed this with our DMs (i.e. that I will be staying in local maternity home for a few days post birth) that the issue of my DM coming to stay and effectively taking over has been resolved as they can visit whilst I am in maternity home and then once I return home DH and I will have the time alone together with our baby that we feel we need.

I would also just like to say that in neither my OP or earlier response did I refer to my DM as a "visitor" but as my mum who, for the record I love dearly, but on occasion find to be very overbearing.

For those of you who asked me to consider how I would feel if my dc requested that I stay away for two weeks following the birth of a DGC, I have and I would hope that I would respect the wishes and autonomy of my DC and their DP rather than see it as a personal slight.

Finally, I don't think that I would have got myself so t