AIBU to be frustrated with my mum?

[crazybutterfly]

First ever post on MN but really could do with outside opinion:

My DH and I live about a four hour drive from my parents and are due to have our first child in the next couple of weeks. This will be the second grandchild for my parents (the first for my in-laws). My MIL lives abroad about a four hour plane journey away.

My mum is lovely but can be quite overbearing and DH and I decided early on that we would like to have the first couple of weeks whilst DH is on paternity leave on our own in order to get used to being a family and familiarise ourselves with our baby and how to care for him. We discussed this separately with both my mum and MIL who both agreed to respect our wishes.

However, I have just finished speaking to my mum who informed me that she would not be mailing me the things that she has knitted for the baby as they (her and Dad will be visiting) shortly after the birth so there is no point.

They are coming up at Christmas but I got the impression that this would be a an earlier visit as she stated that DH could let her know of our plans (i.e. when they can visit) when he calls to to announce the birth.

Since our original request to be given space in the first two weeks we have found out that I can stay at the local maternity unit for a few days post birth so ideally they could visit then; assuming that it is at a weekend or they can take time off work.

So I guess my question is am I being unreasonable in being annoyed and frustrated with my mum for seeming to ignore my request to give us some space following the birth (since she does not know about maternity unit)?

I guess that this issue is coupled with my growing anxiety regarding Christmas as our baby will be about 4-5 weeks old and both my mum and ; my sister (who will also be coming up) have recently made comments regarding how we WILL be parenting e.g. "the baby should be it's own room from the beginning", "you won't be going out much in the first weeks because you will be establishing a routine". I am planning to EBF so I really don't think there will be a set routine of four hourly feeds running by Christmas (if ever) and depending upon how the baby sleeps he may sleep in our room in the beginning to make night feeding easier.

In some ways I feel that IABU as because we clearly stated that we would not wish to travel at Christmas my parents and sister decided to rent a cottage near to us for 1 week around Christmas in order to spend it with us.

tangled up with this issue of visiting and space if we lived closer as shorter but more frequent visits (if DM wished this) would have been possible. I was also trying to be fair to all GPs which I see now was rather unrealistic.

Yes OP, YABU. This is because you are PREGNANT. Pregnant women are supposed allowed to be unreasonable. It's your baby after all and your mum is somewhat overbearing, I get this.

However, I didn't want to read Like you, my mum and PILs lived far away when I was giving birth to DS. All three had long journeys and planes to book, during December (busy time, expensive flights, problems with the weather etc etc) and understandably, wanted to come and see the baby as soon as it arrived. I worked myself up into a total lather about it all. I wanted to see my mum, but not MIL (lovely lady, but not one who's ever backwards in coming forward with her opinions about childcare shall we see) straight away. But, I wanted to be fair. So, what we did was book my mum in (not literally, thank god, DS was a week overdue) for when he was 5 days old I think, with the plan that she'd stay with us for a few days, but that the inlaws would fly in and out for a day trip on day 5, with MIL (keen as mustard to get her hands on her first ever grandchild) staying for a week after Christmas. That way everyone got to see the new arrival as soon as possible, then got a some quality time on their own. (not FIL - he didn't want to!)

Before the birth I became increasingly stressed out about all of this. Like you, I didn't want anyone else interfering, especially since I suspected that the way I'd be parenting my new baby would be a/ inept and b/ not the way they'd done it (breast feeding on demand, baby sleeping in with us etc etc). Anyway, you know what, it was all totally fine. Really. By the time the GPs arrived I was just so happy to see them. Those first moments with his grandparents, seriously, I'm welling up just to think about them - so precious. And MIL and mum? Literally got down on their knees to scrub floors, wash sheets, cook our dinner etc. We'd have been lost without them.

Moral of long post: tread carefully. Make your voice heard (you don't want any visitors, they'll understand that) but be prepared to change your mind and welcome them after the baby's arrived. When that's happened and you're possibly laid up, exhausted and flooded with post partum hormones a hug from your mum might be just what you most need.

Good luck with it all and remember, you're the mum now. What you say, goes.

Read and run. Ffs.

It can be helpful, if you've got overbearing relatives giving advice, to explain why you are doing what you are doing. For example, baby sleeping in his/her own room straight away. The FSIDS recommend that babies sleep in their parents room for at least the first six months after birth to reduce the risk of SIDS. There are lots of reasons why other things are done differently now to 20 or 30 years ago, perhaps your relatives just need a little educating!

You may find once you've given birth that you'll less afraid of speaking your mind over any comments regarding how you're going to parent, e.g breastfeeding, where the baby will sleep etc because really that's no concern of anyones but yours. You'll be the mother and I found instinct kind of took over, I knew what I was doing felt right for me and my daughter so I took no notice of what anyone thought I should or not be doing and did what I felt was best and hey ho it worked.

Don't allow them to tell you what they think you should be doing xx

Well, having lost my mum four years ago, I won't be having any visits when I have my baby in February :(
MIL will be there but it won't be the same.

You sound like you are reaching a happy compromise, remember though, your mum does know how you feel, you are not the first person ever to have a newborn and interested family members! Talk to her ... You will both feel better for it. Hope all goes well :)

I think it was very odd of you to think a grandparent would be willing to wait until Christmas before seeing the baby so I'm glad she will be visiting you while you're in the maternity place.

The Christmas arrangement, with the rellies in the separate cottage, sounds like the best of both worlds really and truly.

As far as dealing with comments on the baby sleeping in your room, or even in your bed (happens to a lot of families), you need to have your DH speak up and make it plain that this is your joint decision and that you are both fine with it. Same goes for whatever way you end up feeding the baby, how often, etc.

Some grandmothers come from a generation where the husband came first and above all else, and they have an unexamined notion that having a baby in the room or in the bed will wind up pushing the husband away or that the husband has a right to the undisturbed enjoyment of his own bed. They tend not to mind what the mother has to do in order to keep the H happy, traipsing around the house at all hours of the night, sitting up with the baby in the nursery, etc.

I had my MIL visit when DD1 was born. She stayed for 5 hellish days.