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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive?

81 replies

blobtobetter · 06/11/2011 11:47

Just to start off - I hate confrontation which is why I am struggling a bit with this situation.

There is a woman at work and we ended up as friends when she started working here. It is a small office (just 6 of us) so it sort of fitted in as we got along and had the same breaks. I didn't really notice at first but we always seem to end up doing what she wants. I lent her some money last year (I didn't want to but was put in a position where I didn't feel I could say no) and it took ages to get it back. She kept putting it off over and over. It all really stressed me out.

The thing is that she has been dropping really direct hints about lending her money again. We are on the same wage - I just try to save and not spend on random things. The day after she asked for a loan she came into work talking about a £100 hair cut and some expensive boots.

We used to be quite close although we don't have much in common hobbies and interestswise. Now she hardly speaks to me - if she rings I know it is just because she wants something. She went a full 2 days without speaking until she decided she needed her lunch getting for her.

I am rambling but I really don't know how to handle this. I have never been in this situation. Another of the girls at work described her as a taker and I think that is what it is - she just expects everyone to drop everything and do what she wants them to. Not sure if it is an entitlement thing. It is like she has tunnel vision and only sees herself and what she wants.

With it being such a small office I don't want to end up being seen as really mean and unreasonable. It is all getting a bit like the school playground!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 06/11/2011 11:50

She is a colleague, you dont need to be friends with her, you just need to be civil to her. Dont lend her any money. Sounds like the other girls in the office have got her summed up pretty well.

ragged · 06/11/2011 11:50

She sounds horrible. Make better friends at work & just be polite to her.
Under no circumstances ever loan her money again.

ragged · 06/11/2011 11:51

oh, and yadnbu!! Maybe too nice for your own good, that's the worst of it.

worraliberty · 06/11/2011 11:54

She can only be a taker if you are a giver.

You owe her nothing and when someone asks you to lend them something, you are always in a position where you can say no.

All you need to do is tell her you haven't got it to lend.

She doesn't know the ins and outs of your personal financial situation (I assume) so just say "Sorry, I can't lend it"

Tortington · 06/11/2011 11:55

i too am really uncomfortable with confrontation at work and i get very anxious about it.

so my advice is to lie. - this is what i would do.

instead of having a backbone and being assertive and telling her in an adult way that i don't hink it is professional to mix finances and friendships in a work environment....i would lie.

i would say i am skint....and i would probably make up a sob story to go with it - something like my aunties dog had cancer and i paid for the treatment and it has left me borassic Grin

OTheShame · 06/11/2011 12:08

Ordinarilary id lie too....however, she seems the type to keep asking asking asking...so id nip it now. tell her straight "no i dont have it" and ealk away. If she keeps asking just repeat. It seens the rest of the office have got wise to her, now its your turn!

Original poster
blobtobetter · 06/11/2011 12:13

I wish the rest of the office had warned me! Apparently they saw straight through her.

I am not going to lend her money - I can't afford it and honestly I don't think that she should expect me too simply because I try to live within my means.

I don't get irritated easily but it is getting to the point where the whole thing it winding me up!! It is like she only bothers with me when she wants something doing.

Hoping I will feel brave in the morning!! Not like I can just say to her - no I don't want to go out at lunch with you, I am not a doormat.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/11/2011 12:16

Just tell her you don't have it. Repeat these words (or similar), "I'm sorry, I can't lend you money, I don't have it to spare". Rinse and repeat....

It's tough, I know, but you're going to have to take charge. On the issue of doing stuf that you don't want to do - "Let me think about that", followed by, "No, I'm afraid that doesn't work for me". Smile and walk away.

You can do it!

ImperialBlether · 06/11/2011 12:46

Maybe you ought to bring the boots and the hairdo into the conversation next time she asks to borrow money?

SauvignonBlanche · 06/11/2011 12:51

Just say no!

Earlybird · 06/11/2011 12:54

No, no, and no - do NOT bring up the boots and the hairdo, as it will be inflammatory. And confrontational. And horrible.

if you are looking to disengage/distance yourself from this person, simply do as others have advised and tell her politely that you don't have the money to spare. No need to offer any reason or justification.

Pagwatch · 06/11/2011 12:54

God yes, I agree with custy.

Of course in an ideal world you should just say no but tension at work is terrible if it makes you anxious.
The thing is we (those of us who don't like confrontation) tend to let things build up until we are angry enough to say something. What is better is to diffuse it. If she asks for money just smile regretfully and say 'gosh, I would love to help you out but things are tight and Christmas is coming up. I am sure you understand'
Smile, make vague excuses ' gosh sorry, can't make lunch I have some phone calls to make/some shopping to do/I'm not feeling great' and keep out of her way.

If you really want to keep her off your back start asking if you can borrow large amounts of money. She'll start to avoid you.

TooEasilyTempted · 06/11/2011 12:56

"no, I cant lend you the money".
"no, I can't buy your lunch".

Repeat ad nauseum. She will soon find another 'giver', these type of people always do.

And don't worry about seeming mean and unreasonable in your small office. It sounds like your other colleagues already have the measure of this woman.

Liliana1 · 06/11/2011 12:57

Don't lend her anything (I think you have already decided this). WRT lunch, maybe take a packed lunch for a while, use things like 'I'm on a health kick', 'I'm skint and can't afford to go out to lunch' etc

Be strong!

Original poster
blobtobetter · 06/11/2011 15:33

Thank you all for your advice!

I was starting to think I was crazy for feeling like this - like I was making a huge deal of it. If I didn't work in the same office it would be much easier - hoping this will be character building!!

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 06/11/2011 15:36

Don't lend her money. Take a good book to read at lunch time. Smile at her, be polite but she's a grabber, she doesn't think of others.

TheMonster · 06/11/2011 15:42

I know how things like this can play on your mind. There is some great advice on the thread. YOu will feel empowered if you follow it Smile

whackamole · 06/11/2011 15:43

I don't see how you can be seen as 'mean' in the office when by your own admission everyone else has seen through her!

Just say no to the lending of money, if it makes you feel better than have a lie ready.

Good luck!

ZillionChocolate · 06/11/2011 15:58

I would try not to get into the details of why you can't. She's making unreasonable requests, you don't need to justify a no.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/11/2011 16:03

Where I used to work it was a disciplinary offence to borrow money from colleagues. Rightly so, I think.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/11/2011 16:05

... oh yes, and agree with the not having to explain yourself. It's a well-known assertiveness technique. If you let her argue the case you'll find yourself losing. Just Say No. And buy yourself a book on assertiveness. There are some great techniques in there for not being taken advantage of without having to turn into the Bitch Cow from Hell.

Avenged · 06/11/2011 19:38

I second the idea of taking a packed lunch in to work. It kind of says "I don't have much money". Either that or she may see it as you saving money, which in turn may make her think that you do have money to lend her because you've saved it by taking your lunch in to work IYSWIM.

Another thing I have thought about was that you could tell her that all your spare money is now earmarked for xmas pressies for friends and family and WILL NOT be used for anything else.

Or you could just tell her NO. If she refuses to speak to you over it, then it's her loss, not yours.

Good luck OP. I hope you get this sorted.

troisgarcons · 06/11/2011 19:45

Laminate a little card and put it on your desk:

Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

And never take more money to work than ou need to get your lunch. Learned that one a long time ago!

Original poster
blobtobetter · 07/11/2011 06:58

Today is the day - going to be brave!

I think if I try to give reasons for not lending the money she will just pick them apart. Anyways not sure she needs an explanation of what I am doing with my money.

Packed lunch ready!

OP posts:
thepollydoll · 07/11/2011 07:03

Good luck, I think YADNBU. The girl sounds like bad news ... someone that selfish, it's always going to be a very one-sided friendship. Remain civil but distance yourself on a personal level.

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