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Original poster

Am I being over sensitive?

81 replies

blobtobetter · 06/11/2011 11:47

Just to start off - I hate confrontation which is why I am struggling a bit with this situation.

There is a woman at work and we ended up as friends when she started working here. It is a small office (just 6 of us) so it sort of fitted in as we got along and had the same breaks. I didn't really notice at first but we always seem to end up doing what she wants. I lent her some money last year (I didn't want to but was put in a position where I didn't feel I could say no) and it took ages to get it back. She kept putting it off over and over. It all really stressed me out.

The thing is that she has been dropping really direct hints about lending her money again. We are on the same wage - I just try to save and not spend on random things. The day after she asked for a loan she came into work talking about a £100 hair cut and some expensive boots.

We used to be quite close although we don't have much in common hobbies and interestswise. Now she hardly speaks to me - if she rings I know it is just because she wants something. She went a full 2 days without speaking until she decided she needed her lunch getting for her.

I am rambling but I really don't know how to handle this. I have never been in this situation. Another of the girls at work described her as a taker and I think that is what it is - she just expects everyone to drop everything and do what she wants them to. Not sure if it is an entitlement thing. It is like she has tunnel vision and only sees herself and what she wants.

With it being such a small office I don't want to end up being seen as really mean and unreasonable. It is all getting a bit like the school playground!

OP posts:
Inertia · 08/11/2011 13:42

Everyone else already has the measure of her, and they are probably inwardly cheering you on for standing up for her. She probably thinks she's made you look bad- in fact she's made herself look spiteful. Don't give in and loan her the money because of the bad atmosphere- with a bit of luck she'll leave you in peace now.

Witchofthenorth · 08/11/2011 14:31

Wow...just wow. Cheeky cow! She will soon come out of her strop next time she wants something! She will need you long before you will ever need her...then you can just tell her no again :o

Liliana1 · 08/11/2011 17:09

Well done for saying no and not giving in - can't believe how some people can be so cheeky!! I know an atmosphere isn't nice but you can bet your colleagues are cheering you on internally.

Original poster
blobtobetter · 08/11/2011 17:34

It just stressed me out! I was already feeling a bit fraught from saying no in private - argh!

It is like she only speaks to me when she wants something then I am in the wrong for feeling a bit put out. It just sounds so petty when I say what is bothering me but it isn't one thing it is like her whole attitude is that people should work around her and bend over backwards to get her what she wants.

The more I think about it the more mad I feel and that really isn't me! I am generally happy to help anyone and am quite easy going.

OP posts:
EnjoyResponsibly · 08/11/2011 17:50

Jolly well done Blob, now just keep your resolve.

It sound like she's coming awfully close to bullying you with her behaviour, so consider having a private word with your manager.

Well done though. What have you got in your sandwich tomorrow? On the plus side that's an easy way to put a bit aside for Christmas.

Liliana1 · 09/11/2011 19:31

How did today go? Hope you are ok and she hasn't pulled any more guilt trips. Do you really want her as a friend? Apart from the atmosphere which won't last forever I don't think your going to miss anything if your 'friendship' (which tbh doesn't sound like much of a friendship, more a convenience for her) falls apart. It might even be a bit of a relief!

pigletmania · 09/11/2011 20:09

Well done bob but doesen't it annoy you when people like her take the piss! She saw you coming as you are too nice, so what how she feels stuff her.

Original poster
blobtobetter · 09/11/2011 21:45

I am not sure that we are friends or were friends. She seemed so quick to turn on me. Unless I am just getting more and more annoyed and it is magnifying the annoyances!

Today was odd really. She didn't speak to me until about 3p.m. and came through and said order me these from amazon and handed me a list of about 10 books and dvds. I feel bad but I said no. I really wasn't sure if she would pay me back or not.

It was weird as she didn't even try to be nice about it - not sure what is going on!!

She still expects me to go out at lunch time with her too. I can't figure it out.

OP posts:
storytopper · 09/11/2011 22:16

A list if books and DVDs?! Is she trying to get you to buy her Christmas presents for her so that she has money for her fancy boots?

You don't owe her anything - just keep saying no. And if she keeps banging on about it, go and see your manager as someone else has suggested - this is harrassment.

I have been working for decades and have never been asked for a substantial loan by a colleague - the odd "fiver for lunch until I get to the bank" - yes. I would never consider loaning a large amount of money unless - 1. I knew the person really well, 2. they were in the habit of being nice to me, 3. it was for a good cause (e.g. to feed their kids), 4. they had a definite plan worked out for repaying me or I knew I could afford to lose it if they didn't.

pigletmania · 09/11/2011 22:18

OMG the cheek of this woman, hope you said no. Say no to lunchtime too. practice saying no in the mirror daily you will feel better for it. What a drain she really is.

pigletmania · 09/11/2011 22:21

Why the hell do you feel guilty or bad about this woman, she does nothing for you, she is not a friend, she means nothing to you. If she ignores you at work, all the better, just keep it civil at work and do your job. Say no to lunch, I've bought my own thank you, and sit in the staff room with a book or a magazine.

Crazybit · 09/11/2011 22:27

What a weirdo. Her not you. just keep saying no. please don't give in. She will eventually leave you alone. Cheeky bitch.

Original poster
blobtobetter · 10/11/2011 07:12

I was just shocked - it isn't the sort of behaviour I expected.

We both have our lunch break at the same time and normally go for a walk around the shops. I can't change my lunch time so it would mean walking out of the building and just going in a different direction.

I feel guilty about everything! I said no to the amazon order and she just walked off so at least it wasn't a big fuss like last time.

OP posts:
Liliana1 · 10/11/2011 07:31

OMG (I hate that expression but nothing else does it!) I can't believe the brazen cheek - buy me these?!?!?! WTF. Hope she soon gets the message. I would be very Hmm if anyone just told me to give them anything - asking to borrow a fiver for lunch till tomorrow is on thing, no prob, but CD's and DVD's? - I am actually speechless!!

wondering2 · 10/11/2011 07:33

Hi blobtobetter, I too am shocked by the utter nerve of your horrible colleague. She sounds like an out and out bully to me. Well done for saying no to the loan and no to the RIDICULOUS and SHOCKING amazon request - does she think you are her slave?? There is no way you have to feel bad for saying no to that or any of the other stuff. KEEP ON SAYING NO!!! If she persists in bullying you then I agree with the poster who said go to management.
My neighbour asked me for £65 the other week (a loan) and though I half-heartedly said yes I also didn't seem that keen and in the end she retracted her request. I think she definitely would have paid me back, but I would have had to remind her several times and that is what would have been stressful. Then the other day she asked me for money again as she was going to town and hadn't taken any cash from the shop which she runs with her husband. I have to admit that I said I had no cash (a lie) because again I really hate having to ask for money back which is what invariably happens. This is based on experience - I was once in a supermarket with her and she appeared at the till and asked me to put £17 worth of batteries (rechargeable) on my debit card which I had to do and then go through the process of getting the money back later.

I wish you all the best with your daily assertiveness - your friend is not a friend but a colleague who likes to use people! Eventually she will stop asking you - KEEP STRONG.

wondering2 · 10/11/2011 07:34

Also, my neighbour was meeting a friend in town so she could very well have asked that friend for some money but she obviously didn't fancy that idea!

pigletmania · 10/11/2011 07:38

bob you have to be assertive, does it not feel good to say no to this drain! Ok you have your lunch at the same time, but you can make your OWN choices where to have it, say no to her, I have brought my own lunch and will sit in the staff room and eat it. She saw you coming she really did. The others sussed her out immediately, but you are too nice and too soft. It would give me great pleasure to tell her to feck off.

saintlyjimjams · 10/11/2011 07:43

She gave you a list of books and dvd's???? How utterly bizarre!! Was she testing you? Just practice saying 'sorry I don't have the money' . Then drop the sorry.

I think when people overstep every social boundary going (and she is) it's fine to be blunt back - even if it feels weird. Tell yourself you are only being rude because she is. So if she carries on with bizarre requests you could get blunter and blunter.

And wondering2 your neighbour sounds bonkers.

Original poster
blobtobetter · 10/11/2011 10:23

I don't know how I attract these people! :(

Will be attempting to get out of lunch! Maybe it is a test - I hadn't thought of that..... weird whatever it is!

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 10/11/2011 16:59

you are having a fookin giraffe!! Books and dvds from Amazon...she sounds like a right loon!

As far as I can see she is clearly not even close to the realm of friend...I am actually nearly speechless Shock

Original poster
blobtobetter · 11/11/2011 07:05

She has asked me before to order stuff if I mention a book that I am ordering but it took her ages to pay me back which I thought was a bit unfair as I had to pay upfront to order them.

I don't know if she was pretending to be a friend before. :(

OP posts:
Liliana1 · 11/11/2011 07:16

Hopefully she will now be getting the message although I find with people like this it does sometimes take more than once.

Stay strong, maybe you could have an important errand to do during lunch and once you start breaking the pattern of going off together you just don't start it up again. When you walk out I would just say 'see you later, have a good lunch' and walk off in the other direction.

Witchofthenorth · 11/11/2011 08:28

Good god blob, it makes me want to come and take you away for lunch myself, whilst resolutely linking arms with you, walking away in the other direction, telling her that you don't need friends like her!!

Liliana1 · 11/11/2011 18:23

Hmm, Witch has a good point. Where are you? We could have a different MNetter each day come to take you away for lunch!

LuckyRocketshipUnderpants · 11/11/2011 19:41

She said whhhhhhat? You're a "crap friend?"!!!! She sounds utterly, utterly awful. You are clearly very nice.

This may sound cheesy, but I always think in these situations, what would a Jane Austen heroine do? The answer is being super civil and polite so that you have nothing to feel bad about in terms of your demeanor and behaviour but always firm at the same time. Courage, my friend!

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