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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be miffed at being told I am mean as I am not saving up for my DD's wedding?

63 replies

DutchGirly · 05/11/2011 10:42

I had a conversation with my ex's niece who is getting married, the whole wedding is paid for by her parents.

She asked if I am saving up for my DD's wedding (DD is 4 btw) I said I would rather invest in my DD's education and maybe help her with a house deposit.

She said that was rather mean as it is so important to have a nice wedding .

I said it is my job as a parent to raise my child to be a well-balanced, responsible, kind individual who can take care of herself in all aspects including being able to provide for herself financially. I did say gently that I do not agree with parents financing their daughter's wedding as I see it being outdated and very sexist. I added that I think it is important for the couple to save up for the wedding themselves as it forces them to really think about the financial aspects of a marriage (and in the meantime the relationship may end anyway)

Apparently now I am mean and tight, I am slightly miffed with her for saying these things behind my back. AIBU?

OP posts:

slavetofilofax · 05/11/2011 10:44

YANBU, but such obviously ridiculous views are really not worth your worry, nor are the people that hold them.

CaveMum · 05/11/2011 10:47

Of course not! Our intention (if I ever get pregnant!) is that we'll put aside some savings for each child and when they reach 18 they can decide what they want it for - house deposit, go travelling, wedding, etc. that's the theory anyway

AuntieMaggie · 05/11/2011 10:49

As someone who has funded my own education, house and will fund my own wedding no YANBU.

I think these things are a luxury if your parents can afford them not a right!

supadupapupascupa · 05/11/2011 10:50

yanbu.

with the size of deposits required these days for getting on the housing market, we will be saving every penny to help our kids with that!

altinkum · 05/11/2011 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 05/11/2011 10:58

I dont think YABU at all. I was brought up with the view that I should earn my money (except pocket money, never asked to do chores buzarrely) and that once I left education, I would be expected to contribute to the costs of running the house. I have a very strong work ethic, and would lick the streets with my own tongue to ensure I was in employment (not that there is such a market for that kind of work)

It has meant that I have a house, car and wedding I can afford. Not something my parents have been expected to contribute to. Im very proud of this. I hope they are proud of me too

My sister on the other hand.....whole other story

usualsuspect · 05/11/2011 11:00

They might not get married though

Its not compulsory

Original poster

DutchGirly · 05/11/2011 11:11

I funded my own university education, bought my first house at 19 and I have never been financially dependent on anybody so it is just very odd to expect a person to be just 'given' this.

However since I am mean and tight, does this get me off buying a wedding gift ?

OP posts:

Laquitar · 05/11/2011 11:15

I agree with you but i wouldn't tell her all this.
I can see why she got defensive.

Rollon2012 · 05/11/2011 11:38

Yanbu also just for practical reasons weddings are bloody steep!

oranges · 05/11/2011 11:41

but why have this conversation with someone who is getting their wedding paid for? I can see why it makes them rather defensive. OF course you dont have to save for your daughters wedding, but its not wrong that some people do.

eurochick · 05/11/2011 11:45

I think financial independence is important. I also think the amount spent on weddings now is daft. So YANBU.

My parents supported me through my education but I stood on my on 2 feet for buying a house and funding my wedding. And I am glad that I did. I would want the same for any kids that we have.

Original poster

DutchGirly · 05/11/2011 11:49

Oranges, she asked me the question if I was saving up for DD's wedding, I have no idea why as DD is only 4 but I replied no.

She then told me I was being tight to which I responded by explaining my reasons. I did not bring this up, I would never criticize someone for having their wedding paid for, however personally I would not do it as I find it a very sexist concept.

OP posts:

MollyTheMole · 05/11/2011 11:56

YANBU

What you are doing is far more sensible and will be of more benefit to her than what is essentially just a very expensive party.

maxpower · 05/11/2011 11:58

YANBU It's always amazed me that people think someone else should pay for their wedding.

doggydaft · 05/11/2011 12:02

I am of the opinion if you are adult enough to get married, then you are adult enough to pay for it.
My PIL paid for both their DD weddings and made no contribution to ours, they told us it was up to my parents to pay....

Needless to say we funded our own (small) wedding and are still married - unlike the two DD's.

AnotherEmptyNest · 05/11/2011 12:05

You were NBU in saying that you were not saving up for your DS's wedding. For one thing it was no one else's business and, secondly, you could have might have told her that you didn't have to (ie you 'knew' that you would have enough money when the time comes). That would put some questions in her mind and if she were to come out with them, you could ignore them or tell her that your financial circumstances were just private.

MCos · 05/11/2011 12:06

I'd feel miffed too. Sounds like your niece is a bit of a 'Princess'.

DH and I paid for our own wedding, many years ago. I'd probably make a contribution towards my DDs wedding costs since I can well afford it. But I am not expecting that DH & I will 'pay' for their weddings. IMO, they will appreciate it alot more if they save up for it themselves. Likewise with their first car, house, etc.

Like eurochick above, I too believe financial independence is important.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/11/2011 12:09

I have to say, I find her very funny, though I appreciate you wouldn't!

What a twit.

Her poor DD - I bet she will be one of those girls who hates a big party and tells her mum she wants to get married on the track at Silverstone or something.

I would think the pressure of knnowing your parents have a wedding fund for you would be horribly pressuring - not everyone wants to get mrried.

BluddyMoFo · 05/11/2011 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaffronCake · 05/11/2011 12:13

YANBU

Give her an education and she could be earning several times what she would without it. Give her a wedding instead and then what? You're all broke and staying that way. You have effectively just made her dependant on a man, just the kind of girl violent bastards like- a trapped one.

How do you know she'll get married? And if she does will she want the merangue dress and horse drawn carriage? I got married last time in a registry office, the next time it'd likely be in the woods as this better fits the religion I have adopted since then. She could adopt a religion with totally different traditions, you can not possibly know she wont. If you invest her life savings in this one tradition then you've trapped her again.

What if you spent her whole life saving for this one day and she realised she never wanted to marry? How is she going to feel then? Railroaded I expect. What about if she wants to marry a woman? Your traditional pomp and ceremony may well mean nothing to her at all.

Teach the girl to think. Give her independance. In doing so you give her her freedom. If she wants a fancy frock when she's a fully grown adult she'll be able to have one, without begging to anyone, least of all her parents as if she were still a dependant, ruled, little girl.

Yama · 05/11/2011 12:13

I think you handled it very well DutchGirly. In time, she may understand your point of view (the right point of view imo).

OriginalPoster · 05/11/2011 12:14

She has probably been reading Wedding Magazines and they've gone to her head. They will have you believe that the aim of life is to have the most expensive wedding ever.

I have read OP a few times and don't get why it was 'behind your back?'

Yama · 05/11/2011 12:16

I think op's last line indicates that the niece has told someone that DutchGirly is mean and tight OriginalPoster.

NinkyNonker · 05/11/2011 12:19

I disagree it is sexist, as both of our parents contributed to our wedding...because they wanted to and could afford it. It was about a 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 split between us and our parents. We both funded our own way through uni, had our own houses and continue to support ourselves, but they wanted to gift us something towards our (traditional yet very conservative) wedding.

We save for DD, not for a wedding but just for 'something'. Probably towards uni if she wants to, or a house deposit, or a first car. If we can afford to help her with her wedding (if she decides to wed) and she wants us to then we will.

OP, YANBU.

'Dependent, ruled, little girl' indeed.

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