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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be miffed at being told I am mean as I am not saving up for my DD's wedding?

63 replies

DutchGirly · 05/11/2011 10:42

I had a conversation with my ex's niece who is getting married, the whole wedding is paid for by her parents.

She asked if I am saving up for my DD's wedding (DD is 4 btw) I said I would rather invest in my DD's education and maybe help her with a house deposit.

She said that was rather mean as it is so important to have a nice wedding Hmm.

I said it is my job as a parent to raise my child to be a well-balanced, responsible, kind individual who can take care of herself in all aspects including being able to provide for herself financially. I did say gently that I do not agree with parents financing their daughter's wedding as I see it being outdated and very sexist. I added that I think it is important for the couple to save up for the wedding themselves as it forces them to really think about the financial aspects of a marriage (and in the meantime the relationship may end anyway)

Apparently now I am mean and tight, I am slightly miffed with her for saying these things behind my back. AIBU?

OP posts:
redexpat · 05/11/2011 12:23

Have you pointed out that your child may not want to get married?

It's nice if parents can contribute to a wedding, but not compulsory.

MrsUnassumingTroll · 05/11/2011 12:24

YANBU, goes without saying.

DH and I paid for our own wedding and honeymoon in our twenties. It was a modest affair, but we were proud of ourselves for paying for it.

A few years later, we saw DH's bridezilla sister spend thousands upon thousand of pounds of his DP's retirement fund to have her princess day. So so selfish when she and her OH were earning good money!

We will be saving for both our DCs to have a good education and good start in life, but not specifically for a wedding...it's one day FFS! In fact I think I'll advise them to elope.

TheFidgetySheep · 05/11/2011 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker · 05/11/2011 12:30

Yep, I don't really get the fuss either. We got engaged, set a date for 6 months after and just did it. Nothing flash or expensive, just a lovely day with close friends and family. I genuinely don't get weddings worth tens of thousands personally.

Original poster
DutchGirly · 05/11/2011 12:30

Ninky, the issue I have is the expection that parents will pay for their daughter's wedding if the sole reason is because she is a girl who is being given to the husband to be taken care of.

If you want to contribute for your children's wedding that is fine.

Yes, she did tell other people behind my back that I am tight and mean for not saving up for DD's wedding who is FOUR and that is the reason I am feeling a bit miffed. Especially since she emailed me her wedding gift list shortly after our conversation.

We are talking about 50-60K for a wedding here btw.

OP posts:
SaffronCake · 05/11/2011 12:30

On the one hand NinkyNonker you are saying look at all this choice you are giving your daughter, you could enable her to study, to drive, to buy a house, to marry, the possibilities are wide open. Then on the other you are denying that refusing the OP's daughter the same choice is damaging. Make your mind up. Is giving a girl a choice right or wrong?

NinkyNonker · 05/11/2011 12:34

I'm really confused, I told the OP she was NOT being uneasonable, and said we were doing the same thing? I was agreeing with her?

I was disagreeing that parents contibuting to their daughter's wedding was inheently sexist by pointing out that we had contributions to ours from both sides. Was my point that hard to understand?!

Original poster
DutchGirly · 05/11/2011 12:43

Ninky, I agree with you.

I think it is sexist if it expected for the daughter's parents to pay for the whole wedding while the future groom's parents do not have to contribute. Sorry if I offended you.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 05/11/2011 12:45

Don't worry, you didn't, I'm on my phone and struggle to get a cohesive sentence out sometimes so may seem a little sharper than intended! Grin

perplexedpirate · 05/11/2011 12:50

YANBU, of course.

50-60k for a wedding??? That is VVVVU!
In fact it's bloody insanity.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/11/2011 12:54

"Yes, she did tell other people behind my back that I am tight and mean for not saving up for DD's wedding who is FOUR "
Thereby spreading far and wide the knowledge of her idiocy.

Seriously OP, anyone she tells this to will either:

  1. agree with her - in which case their good opinion is not worth having
  2. think she is a complete princessy loon. If she gets this reaction often enough, it may assist her in the growing-up process.
Original poster
DutchGirly · 05/11/2011 12:56

Yes 50-60K for a wedding is absolutely outrageous but you have to keep up with the Jones you see!

OP posts:
MrsUnassumingTroll · 05/11/2011 12:57

£50-60k!!!!!

Shock
NinkyNonker · 05/11/2011 12:57
OriginalPoster · 05/11/2011 12:58

Thanks Yama

Too subtle for me Blush

jackiejones · 05/11/2011 13:00

YANBU. It wouldn't even cross my mind to save up for my three daughter's weddings. I am however saving for them all, uni, house deposit, travelling round the world, hot tub for me Smile

edam · 05/11/2011 13:07

I don't think most people do expect the bride's parents to fund the whole shebang these days, do they? My parents did help us towards the cost but they wanted to, I didn't demand it. (They are divorced so paid for stuff separately.) My Mum bought the material for my dress and paid the dressmaker, and bought lunch for guests who were travelling a long way (wedding was afternoon). My Dad paid for the venue and the wedding breakfast - oh, and lent us his second car for transport (he had a gorgeous old Triumph Dolomite inherited from his Uncle). Can't remember if dh's parents chipped in but I imagine they must have done. We paid for the registry office, clothes for the rest of the wedding party, the evening party, the rings, flowers, hairdresser, invites, whatever else is involved.

marriedinwhite · 05/11/2011 13:21

YANBU. She needs to grow up and learn that getting married is about making a legal and life long commitment. It is not about a white frock, flowers, and a party. The marriage itself costs hundreds and that is the important part. A shame I think that the focus has transferred to the party.

I had everything my parents were able to provide. DH and I were 30(ish) when we married. Our wedding cost a total of £7,500ish. We paid for it; my mother bought the flowers, the cars and the cake. My father paid for the champagne, and my gps lent us their house and grounds. The most important part of the day were our vows before God. The rest was optional.

We will be happy to pay for dd's wedding, if she has one. But it will be a sensible occasion and a sensible amount of money will be offered. If more is wanted she will have to provide it.

Rhubarbgarden · 05/11/2011 13:24

I'm afraid I reverted to the mentality of a 5 year old over my wedding. Horse and carriage and everything. Cost a fortune, covered in a wedding magazine. I bloody loved every second of it. Loved it. In fact I'm still dining out on the memories two years later. BUT we paid for it ourselves without going into debt, and I had been saving up for my dress since I was a kid because I always knew I wouldn't want to have to answer to anyone else about how much it cost. I know many people think big weddings are a ridiculous waste of money, and you may think I'm a bit sad for getting my kicks from on a one-day-shebang, but whatever floats your boat, y'know? But despite the importance of my wedding to me, I wouldn't in a million years have expected my father to fork out for it all, in the same way that if I was a car nut I'd expect him to fork out for a shiny new Beemer for me.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 05/11/2011 13:25

Your neice sounds spoilt. YANBU! What an old fashioned and sexist idea!

Saffron What religion has you getting married in the woods?

lollystix · 05/11/2011 13:29

Sorry but ex niece sounds very shallow. YANBU.

MrsSnow · 05/11/2011 13:32

One of my parents friends offered his daughter the following when she was getting married: A deposit of £100,000 and a very basic wedding for 20 people (immediate families) or a wedding of said amount and no deposit.

Obviously she chose the deposit.

runningwilde · 05/11/2011 13:34

Yanbu to be miffed, but yabvu to state that funding or helping to fund a wedding for your child is sexist - that's a ridiculous thing to say as it is a lovely thing to do if you can afford to

OriginalPoster · 05/11/2011 13:37

£60,0000

Shock

That's £1.30 per second for a 12hour weddingGrin

Or you could just give 100 friends £600 pounds each

Or have 2 years off work

Or buy 60,000 Mosquito nets

Sorry, my mind has blown....

WidowWadman · 05/11/2011 14:00

runningwilde you'd have a point if parents of boys were equally expected to pay for their children's weddings. As I see it, the tradition falls in the same box as paying a dowry. So ultimately it is sexist. Also, by saving up for the wedding for your daughter from infancy, it kind of sends the message, that her biggest goal is to get married off to someone. It puts pressure on. What if she doesn't want to get married? Should she feel like she disappointed her parents who saved up so much for [retch] her big day?

I hope to raise my daughters to grow up into independent women with bigger aims than spending a day wearing a tafetta snowball and accessorising with a lot of women forced to wear coordinating dresses.

My parents helped us with the costs for the buffet, and I'm sure they'd do the same for my brother. My in-laws, as well as other relatives helped too, e.g. with making decorations, baking cakes, altering the dress, making dresses for the girls, but the main costs were paid out of our savings. What kind of wedding we would have or how it was financed was never a topic before we got engaged. In fact we only found out that my parents would pay for the buffet on the day when they told us they would as our wedding present, for which we were immensely grateful and very touched.

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