AIBU to be miffed at being told I am mean as I am not saving up for my DD's wedding?

[DutchGirly]

I had a conversation with my ex's niece who is getting married, the whole wedding is paid for by her parents.

She asked if I am saving up for my DD's wedding (DD is 4 btw) I said I would rather invest in my DD's education and maybe help her with a house deposit.

She said that was rather mean as it is so important to have a nice wedding .

I said it is my job as a parent to raise my child to be a well-balanced, responsible, kind individual who can take care of herself in all aspects including being able to provide for herself financially. I did say gently that I do not agree with parents financing their daughter's wedding as I see it being outdated and very sexist. I added that I think it is important for the couple to save up for the wedding themselves as it forces them to really think about the financial aspects of a marriage (and in the meantime the relationship may end anyway)

Apparently now I am mean and tight, I am slightly miffed with her for saying these things behind my back. AIBU?

YANBU. What business is it of the niece's anyway, and why does she care about your family's financial arrangements?

Not saying there's anything wrong with parents contributing to the costs of a child's wedding if they can and want to (though personally I'd prefer we paid it all ourselves and had it our own way free of interference!). But certainly don't think anyone should feel obliged to start saving when their child is four, surely you're a long way off knowing whether she's going to get married at all, how old she'll be and what her/your finances will be like, what kind of wedding she and her partner are going to want etc!

You can have a perfectly 'nice' wedding without spending a fortune anyway!

I had no idea actually until reading this thread that there was an expectation for parents to pay for their daughters' weddings, but not their sons. How very strange! What happens when it's a civil partnership, i.e. same-sex couple?

Ephiny, I have no idea what will happen if it is a civil partnership?

Niece is very spoiled and I feel being judged all the time anyway for raising my daughter to be an independant, educated woman who can take care of herself.

As WidowWadman explained, paying for the daughter's wedding (because she is female) is akin to paying a dowry, that is the reason why I am finding it sexist.

I did ask DD if she wants to get married, she says she wants to be a politician instead (which really means she being a dictator leading a despot regime knowing her) So now the problem is resolved, guess I better start saving up for political party contributions instead?

YANBU, except I can't see the problem with parents funding a daughter's wedding if that's what all parties want. Mine didn't pay for me and DH's, but then they're potless. It certainly doesn't make you tight not to want to pay though, especially as the things you mention would probably be more expensive than a wedding. I know some weddings cost the same as house deposits and university, or even more. But I would have thought that on average, the wedding would be the cheapest of the three. So if anything, you're being more generous!

My lovely daughters have absorbed their parental indoctrination teaching that marriage is an unnecessary and outmoded institution. Much cheaper.

We are paying for DD1's wedding as we are in a position to. Her Fiance's widowed Mother is not but no doubt would if she were able. I don't want my daughter to start off married life with a huge debt just to pay for a wedding. Also my family is huge and this way she can afford to invite them all.

OP, YABVVVU. It is 1876, after all.
Isn't it??

If anyone had suggested to my mother that they save up for my eventual and inevitable wedding, she'd probably have decked them. And tbh, I'm not sure my grandparents saved up for my mother's, either. Tis a dowry, plain and simple.

Is your DN (DexN) a bit fick? Does she really think a 'nice wedding' is more important than, for instance, three years at university?

TheFidgetySheep

I don't know ANY of my friends who had their wedding paid for by parents. Its very old fashioned. One of the best weddings I've ever been to was done for 70 people on a budget of £1000.

Why the hell should you be saving. There are a million and one ways to make a wedding magical without spending a fortune.

I didn't know my parents had savings put aside for my wedding until a couple of years ago (I'm in my 30s!). I guess it would have been the done thing when they started saving, but I'm not up for the whole marriage scenario, happily pg with my partner of 5 years. So they have offered it towards a deposit for a house. It's lovely to know that they have been saving for me, even more so now they respect my decision not to get married.

Although what they have in nowhere near £50k!! That's way too much IMO,
Especially after funding me through university!

OP your daughter could have the sort of wedding I had. (we got married in Oct after a 20 year engagement) 6 people at the wedding, including flowers, dress, service, ring and meal, it came to just shy of Five Hundred Pound. My parents asked me about three days after the wedding how much we had spent, and then INSISTED on giving us the same amount as a wedding present. That felt very weird, but heh I got a new bathroom out of it.

YADNBU. I wouldn't expect my parents to pay for my wedding, I'd expect me and my fiance to fund it. I would be grateful if they offered some help but certainly wouldn't expect it.

There are far more important things to save for. And who says she's definitely gonna want to get married anyway?

Just saw your last post OP, your DD sounds great! :)