Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sikh wedding 'dress code' AIBU ?

88 replies

dieforrestdie · 04/11/2011 20:09

okay me and DP are getting married (I'm 1st Gen bristish punjabian sikh and DP is white british) So we included little fact cards in the invites (with what will happen during sikh part - as part sikh, part civil ceromony, offically getting married in registry office then skipping over to Gurdwara for the rest (no offical religious part).)
In this we included a little thing about clothes. Saying I will be dressed in the traditional way while DP will just be in a suit and that all guests are welcome to wear whatever they like (then included little help bits for those who wish to wear traditional punjabian dress - esp the woman)

Anyway we asked if posible all guest could wear bright colours or just colour. And asked if black and white could be avoided as bad luck (said men are welcome to wear black suits if they have nothing else)

I suppose this isn't that unusual for guests to not wear white or black to others wedding.

But we also asked if people can stay away from red as this is the colour the bride wears.

Anyway one of DPs cousins is kicking up a fuss.

She said was the dress code compulsory. We said well no but... basically yes. and explained it would be the same as her wearing white to a traditional western wedding.

She wont acept it as the same and is saying that having a dress code for a wedding in bridezilla like and guests should wear what they want to.
And her DD has a good outfit that is red and she is not going to put her in anything else.

It has thrown me - AIBU to have written it down and expect people to follow the so called 'dress code'

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 04/11/2011 21:20

I'd be a bit more hard line with her and say that if she cannot be respectful of your wishes (which are entirely reasonable), she'd best not attend.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/11/2011 21:23

I see - I was being reminded of my gran (although i am sure you are much, much younger), who would have covered her hair very much as a social mark of respect, rather than a religious thing, but I've not seen it in a C of E church since I was a child with her.

Sorry, rambling off-topic.

It is awful how some people hog attention at weddings - I'd never have believed some of the stories you hear if I'd not seen some shockers myself!

I'm sorry to say it, but I can't help assuming this woman just wants to make a fuss about any customs not her own.

thesmithandjones · 04/11/2011 21:25

YANBU you explained it.
She sounds like she is fishing for a fight.
okay so a 14yro may have only one suitable dress - but I'm sure she could pull something together or even find something in primark or you could offer her DD a sari (sorry if that is the wrong discription) - at 14 she would probably like a bit of bright colours and bling.

DogsBestFriend · 04/11/2011 21:27

Worra, I nearly did just that recently! Registry office wedding, small, informal affair, me the guest of the groom's brother (said brother my best mate). Didn't think to ask the obvious question and found that the bride was wearing the same dress I came within a whisker of deciding to buy for the event!

trois, trousers in church etc and not covering hair is a no no for me too. I was raised in the High C/E church and the other half of my family are Jewish so it's ingrained in me. Likewise a funeral - black unless told otherwise, modest, hair back, no other jewellery than a watch, minimal, understated make-up, lowish heels, no bare legs, no trousers and nothing above knee length.

FlangelinaBallerina · 04/11/2011 21:31

YANBU, if red for Sikh weddings is like white for European ones. I was going to say you were, until I found out how old her DD is. At 14, she presumably doesn't look like a little child anymore. If she was a little bitty thing then I'd say get over yourself, but not for a teenager. This is a wedding, a private event- it isn't like you're trying to force your religious values on someone in a public sphere.

Having said that, it's possible that her DD may not have a lot of clothes, may be growing too quickly to make buying a new dress worthwhile. In which case, could the dress be accessorised in a way that sort of toned down the red? Like if she could borrow a black cardi and wear it with black tights, or something equally unbridal? Maybe it would look different then? I think someone in a white party dress with a black cardi over it would perhaps be ok at a European wedding, so would that translate here?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/11/2011 21:36

OP doesn't want black and white - but otherwise that is a really good idea, could she wear a cardi or a wrap? Blues and blue-grey go well with lots of shades of red and would make her look quite different from you.

worraliberty · 04/11/2011 21:40

OMG DBF can you imagine that Shock

These things are a crisis waiting to happen lol

Minus273 · 04/11/2011 21:47

YANBU its not as if it's a narrow dress code that is going to be that awkward to follow.

IneedAbetterNickname · 04/11/2011 21:53

I (accidentally) wore the same colour as SIL at her wedding. I was 7 months pg with DS2, and on a very tight budget. I found a nice blue skirt in Mothercare sale. Turns out she was also wearing blue, with bridesmaids in white! When someone (MIL I think) said something to me, I pointed out that I wouldn't have even considered that skirt, had someone told me the bride was wearing blue! (She didn't even ask my DP, her DB, to wear a blue tie, even though her Dad, other brother, and her male ILs all were)

MerryMarigold · 04/11/2011 21:59

I think YAB a bit U. Some people do wear cream to weddings, when the bride is in cream.

I don't think the dress code was unreasonable as such (though a teeny bit controlling), BUT I think it would have been gracious to say it's fine for her dd to wear a nice, red dress. It's a bit bridezilla to say a small child shouldn't wear red.

She said was the dress code compulsory. We said well no but... basically yes

Well you mean it is compulsory then. I think this VU!

My friend is a Sikh, got married in red, there was no dress code and she had a fabby wedding.

FlangelinaBallerina · 04/11/2011 22:07

The cousin's DD isn't a small child though, she's 14. I think most people would agree that makes it a bit different?

gofrotoes · 05/11/2011 09:15

I like the idea of lending her and/or her DD a Sari - I would love it, only you know if they would like that.
I also think the wrap thing/cadi idea if she really hasn't got anything not red. But you may have to reliterate the no black/white rule (if it can be helped) - and maybe explain why some more, aren't they funeral colours?

LoveBeingAFirework · 05/11/2011 09:23

She's being a twat.

skrumle · 05/11/2011 09:25

personally, i would be annoyed about black being ruled out - it's the most common (therefore cheapest!) base colour for dresses that would be suitable for a wedding. i tend to not buy a new outfit for every wedding and wore a black and pink dress with pink accessories to three different weddings over a year...

Pagwatch · 05/11/2011 09:38

Bloody Nora . Why are people so incredibly bad mannered?

Of course yanbu. You have made a polite request which gives a 14 year old girl the entire spectrum of colour except red so they are making a fuss because she wants to wear red.

They are ill mannered and uncouth. Any discussion about whether other people would mind a cream dress at their wedding or if it could have been worded differently miss the point. If an invitation says 'would you mind avoiding red' and you huff and say you want to wear it anyway, you are being fucking rude and have no manners at all.

fatlazymummy · 05/11/2011 09:41

So you don't want her to wear red, white or black? Yes that is being a little bit restrictive really.
Personally I didn't care what people wore to my wedding. Some of the children just wore their everyday clothes and that was fine by me. I didn't want anyone to have to go the expense of buying new clothes just to attend my wedding.

gofrotoes · 05/11/2011 10:01

skrumle but surely in the good old days black was a big no no in western weddings?
It's the colour of funerals (as is white in sikhism I think) and aren't asian weddings a bit more 'taditional' in that sense?

Not wearing colour of bride - well that is just polite unless you have been given leave to.

MajorBOO · 05/11/2011 10:09

How about offering to take the cousin's DD out for a shopping trip as a birthday present/early Xmas present?

Buy her a pretty non-red dress, problem solved.

Pagwatch · 05/11/2011 10:34

I would have been puzzled by a woman wearing black to a wedding. When did that become normal attire?

Blacksquirrel · 05/11/2011 10:58

Just let them wear whatever they like.

I doubt anyone will give them a second glance & you certainly won't be worrying about your guest's attire on the day. It's not worth arguing over.

heleninahandcart · 05/11/2011 12:46

She sounds like an attention seeking cah a difficult person. You need to tell her publicly that any woman who wore red would attract the wrong kind of attention at a Sikh wedding, and you wouldn't want her or her DD to be embarrassed Hmm

Original poster
dieforrestdie · 05/11/2011 20:24

I like the idea of seeing if one/both would like a salwar kamzee/sari to wear (Sure we would fine one or eight that would fit ) and like idea of taking her DD shopping if they stick nose up at that one.
We didn't exactly rule black and white out just said try to avoid. We understand that is men just have black suits that is fine and if woman just have black trousers/skirt then fine (wedding is in winter so understandable) - but please try as best as they can to avoid.
I have had txts of friends worried that their only non black wedding attire (trousers0 (which is suitable) is grey and would this be okay - yes of course it is, they are making an attempt (which DCousin is not).
Another friend got really woried that her toddlers good dress is navy for winter and was really woried it would offend us, I'm not expecting people esp kids to get new outfits - I just said no problem just bung her in a bright cardi and tights and away we go.

Thank you

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/11/2011 20:40

I would LOVE the excuse chance to wear a salwar kamzee to a wedding I was lusting over them when my family member was looking at them. She eloped grrr. I second seeing if the DD would like to try one

MerryMarigold · 06/11/2011 15:14

OP, the thing is your stipulations have made people worry to what wear. Which is why I find them a bit unreasonable. People do worry about what to wear to weddings, I don't think it helps people's normal worries by implying that it's really important to you what they wear! You will not care, and probably most other people won't either, you'll hopefully be too busy celebrating.

Likewise wonder why you are turning this thing with the cousin into a Big Thing, when surely it is just her problem. Personally I would forget it rather than (potentially) cause further repercussions by offering to take people who you aren't really close to shopping for clothes.

My instince of a little bit of bridezilla-ism on your part is growing!!

ZombiePlan · 06/11/2011 17:12

I think it's unfair for people to hint at bridezilla-ism here. It's surely just good manners to not wear funereal or bridal colours to weddings. There is a whole spectrum of alternative colours that wedding guests can choose from. Anyone who can't cope with buying, borrowing or hiring appropriate clothes for a wedding should IMO just decline - it's a bit guestzilla to accept and then to whine to the bride about how difficult it is to fit in with her (fairly standard) wedding arrangements. Either go, or don't: simples. Just don't bloody bitch about how hard it all is.