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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sikh wedding 'dress code' AIBU ?

88 replies

dieforrestdie · 04/11/2011 20:09

okay me and DP are getting married (I'm 1st Gen bristish punjabian sikh and DP is white british) So we included little fact cards in the invites (with what will happen during sikh part - as part sikh, part civil ceromony, offically getting married in registry office then skipping over to Gurdwara for the rest (no offical religious part).)
In this we included a little thing about clothes. Saying I will be dressed in the traditional way while DP will just be in a suit and that all guests are welcome to wear whatever they like (then included little help bits for those who wish to wear traditional punjabian dress - esp the woman)

Anyway we asked if posible all guest could wear bright colours or just colour. And asked if black and white could be avoided as bad luck (said men are welcome to wear black suits if they have nothing else)

I suppose this isn't that unusual for guests to not wear white or black to others wedding.

But we also asked if people can stay away from red as this is the colour the bride wears.

Anyway one of DPs cousins is kicking up a fuss.

She said was the dress code compulsory. We said well no but... basically yes. and explained it would be the same as her wearing white to a traditional western wedding.

She wont acept it as the same and is saying that having a dress code for a wedding in bridezilla like and guests should wear what they want to.
And her DD has a good outfit that is red and she is not going to put her in anything else.

It has thrown me - AIBU to have written it down and expect people to follow the so called 'dress code'

OP posts:

meditrina · 04/11/2011 20:28

It's not a dress code, it's an explanation of some of the norms of a pluri-traditional celebration thoughtfully provided for guests who may be unfamiliar with them. I would be really pleased to get a note like that.

She is being a rude guestzilla. I do like EleanorRathbone's suggestion. It does of course need to be delivered by DP (she's his cousin), preferably in tones of great sorrow that that she is not prepared to embrace all aspects of all parts of the day's events.

DogsBestFriend · 04/11/2011 20:29

Romilly, to insist on colours at a British (say, C/E or registry office) wedding WOULD be Bridezilla-ish as it would be just a whim, barring the traditional, respectful idea of not wearing white. But here this isn't a whim, it's this lady's culture and faith. Likewise married women are asked to cover their hair at some conservative synagogues - it's about respect for someone's faith and culture.

troisgarcons · 04/11/2011 20:33

Going wildly and randomly slightly off topic .... it irritates the shit out of me when women dont wear hats in church. It's a respect thing. But religious respect died years ago. Ditto people who wear colours at a funeral. Or white to a wedding.

I have to go to a funeral shortly and I dont have a suitable hat. And I cant find one. It's annoying me.

Hardgoing · 04/11/2011 20:35

Not to put a dampener on things (well, ok, I am), my older relatives have had quite a few invites to funerals lately that say 'no black' or 'bright colours please' . You would have to be very rude to go in black, just as this cousin is very rude not to be able to find an outfit in one of the myriad of other colours that aren't white, black or red.

Hardgoing · 04/11/2011 20:37

troisgarcons, see my post, not everyone wants black at a funeral! The whole point is to respect the wishes of the person. Now making everyone wear a particular colour would be mean, but asking them to avoid unlucky colours and the colour of the bride's dress is no biggie.

Original poster

dieforrestdie · 04/11/2011 20:39

Her DD will be 14 at the time of the wedding and from her talk with me I got idea that she (DPs cousin) also wanted to wear red.
If it was a small child I wouldn't care this much at all (and the idea of having just one or 2 outfits is more aplicable I would have thought for a young child than to a teenager, who i am sure could pull something together)

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 04/11/2011 20:40

Dogs, the red thing is just the same as not wearing a cream dress to a traditional UK wedding, the OP says so herself. The black and white OS good/bad luck but the red is just like a bride saying no cream. Which is fine, I'd happily go along with it but it is the same.

troisgarcons · 04/11/2011 20:40

I know hardgoing Im just a traditionalist - so if I may forewarn you - I want a full on wailing, people prostrate in grief, in black, mantillas, and obscene amount if incense wafting .....

Original poster

dieforrestdie · 04/11/2011 20:40

Oh and rhubarb knock yourself out it is already massive - we'll squeeze you in

OP posts:

HoneyandHaycorns · 04/11/2011 20:41

She sounds a nightmare, OP.

How does your DP want to handle the situation?

IneedAbetterNickname · 04/11/2011 20:45

troisgarcons I have been a Christian my whole life (27 years) as has my Mum (51yrs) as was my Grandma (74yrs) I have never worn a hat to Church, neither do I remember them doing so, except for some weddings. Regarding colours to funerals, the 3 funerals I have attended in the last 2 years, we were requested to wear colours to all. 2 of them were for friends Mums who died young (mid 50s). IMO it would have been disrespectful to have worn black in that case.

Ps, have you tried John Lewis for a hat?

BrikSchittHaus · 04/11/2011 20:46

it isn't that unusual for guests to wear red or pink to a punjabi wedding either, as is incredibly lucky and seems to be quite a common indian tradition.

I think the pink relates to being a positive celebratory colour - think men wearing pink turbans at a wedding particularly on the brides side, and the red stems from women wearing their best clothes for a wedding which was often their wedding dress.

It's an old tradition to wear your wedding dress until it falls to pieces, I think it's supposed to be lucky, just like wearing your "chuura" until it breaks, although for practicality it's usually however long it takes for your wedding mendhi to wear off these days. certainly my mum's generation wore their wedding outfits a lot - in fact my mum's ended up as dressing up capes for us as after three kids, she didn't think she'd get away with wearing it anymore.

PastaLaVista · 04/11/2011 20:50

Even a teenager might struggle to find anything else suitable for a wedding in their wardrobe. My kids have one smart outfit and the rest is all teenage trash.

YANBU, but just make sure her DD is put at the back of the photos behind the tallest, widest guy you can find.

BrikSchittHaus · 04/11/2011 20:51

yanbu by the way

but life is too short to worry about things like this, I hope you and your DP have a great day, and a really happy life together

NotJustClassic · 04/11/2011 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrBloomsNursery · 04/11/2011 20:56

I got married in red on my first day, and green/brown on the second day....I would never EVER tell my guests not to wear red because I'm wearing it!!! That's not even like a traditional thing. Which Asian bride tells her guests not to wear the colour of the dress she's wearing?!!! I've been to plenty of Pakistani, Indian, Sikh and Bangladeshi weddings, and there are loads of women wearing the same colour as the bride.

I can understand the black/white thing, but I think YABU about the dress colour thing.

troisgarcons · 04/11/2011 20:56

IneedAbetterNickname

I could not go into chapel without a hat - mind you I rarely go these days - but most relgions have an element of modesty; I could no more go to chapel hatless than I could visit random St Pauls or Westminster as a tourist and not cover my hair. Trousers are no-no in a church too - and I live in trousers day-to-day.The funeral I have to go to has necessitated a new black dress (no trousers).

Just one of my little quirks.

It would not occur to me (having been to several Hindi weddings) to not google and double check etiquette for a culture Im not overly familiar with.

I was not happy with DHs cousins wife who turned up in a strapless number to our church wedding. Total lack of respect. We wont mention the dead ostrich on her head

DogsBestFriend · 04/11/2011 21:01

Ninky, yes it's the same and the same respect and manners should apply. :)

trois, I agree with you about the respectful dress at a funeral/in church although I have no faith of my own. I'm sorry to learn of the sad task you face and of your loss.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/11/2011 21:02

St Pauls is C of E, though - you don't need to cover your hair. Or is this a personal thing?

I do think for the OP the most important thing is the personal attitude, not the strict tradition. I would be fine with a 14-year-old's mum saying she didn't have another good outfit, but it sounds almost as if this woman is spoiling for a fight about it, and that's what strikes me as rude.

NotJustClassic · 04/11/2011 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhubarbgarden · 04/11/2011 21:02

Hurrah!

Original poster

dieforrestdie · 04/11/2011 21:05

MrBloom
Maybe - but I (and no other guests really stand out) have never worn red to a sikh wedding (and neither have any of my family - maybe my family/area is a bit more....(can't think of word for it) on the wearing red. Also - and in my head this effects it - we are only doing one day.

OP posts:

CoffeeOne · 04/11/2011 21:10

YANBU, how hard is it to avoid wearing red? It's a reasonable request and it's your wedding so they should respect it!

I went to a wedding last year where the bride's SIL had some bizarre jealousy issues and acutally turned up wearing a full length white lace dress. People at the night do were actually questioning who was the bride. Very uncomfortable! Some people just crave attention.

troisgarcons · 04/11/2011 21:13

St Pauls is C of E, though - you don't need to cover your hair. Or is this a personal thing?

Personal I guess. My mother never covered her hair in chapel, so there is no reason why I feel I should. But I do. Dad was a non-believer. And Im not a god botherer.

trois my (ex)MIL turned up at my wedding wearing floor length white and a hat with ostrich feathers...

I'd have pointed her in the direction of the caberet

worraliberty · 04/11/2011 21:17

YANBU

I'd be glad of the warning cos knowing me, I'd turn up in an almost identical bloody outfit to the bride Lol

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