To not buy my 6YO a Nintendo DS for Christmas even though he really wants one?

[Fayrazzled]

My 6YO is desperate for a DS for Christmas. He is in Y2 at school and although he is young for the year, many of his friends, several of whom are 7, have one.

The reasons I don't want him to have one:

• I feel he has enough screen time any way via the TV and he is occasionally allowed to play on his dad's phone

• He has a bit of an obsessive personality with things he really likes and tends to pursue them to the exclusion of all others- I don't want him to be like that with the DS and I also don't want to deal with daily tantrums when it is time to turn the DS off

• He isn't brilliant at "playing" anyway- being 6 I'd prefer him to be playing with other toys like Playmobil or Lego, which he doesn't play with much currently- he does very little imaginative play

• He doesn't handle playing on his Dad's phone well and often cries, e.g. if he loses.

My MiL thinks I am being mean and that it is unfair to not buy him a toy that many of his peers have. I think my reasons are more valid and that at the moment he doesn't really know what he is missing.

But, his best friend's mum told me today she is getting her son one for Christmas. I know my son will be bereft to find his BF has one and that Father Christmas (whom he is starting to be sceptical about) has brought his friend one and not him. I don't want him to think he wasn't good enough to get one (he is already very hard on himself) or that he isn't loved as much as his friend.

He would be beside himself to open one on Christmas morning. But I really don't want him to have one yet for the reasons I have mentioned. What do I do?

If Santa can't give 6yos a ds for Christmas... then how do you explain bf (assuming he'd 6yo too) getting one? I think that would make it worse, "Even Santa loves my bf more than me!"

Could you just get him educational games for it then?
Or get him the DS and ask others to get him board games or something he can do, so that you can invite some friends to come and play. Or so you and your family can play the games with him.

I didn't want to get my DD (6) one either but there are some good games out.
May be it's worth it because as you said he is already sceptical about Santa so you don't know how many christmas's your going to have left where he still believes , I guess that depeands how important that aspect is to you.

DeWe,I just assumed the best friend was one of the 7 year old friends,I might be wrong.

Damn,I'll have to come up with a Plan B

The BF is 6 and just a month older than my son.

Bit on the fence about this. All three of mine have one but after a few months of (intermittent) play they now lie around collecting dust. They are great for car journeys but we've found that they go through the games quite quickly and the cartridges are teeny-tiny and easily lost. I almost think that they are a bit outdated now ( the world needs a game system that works like i-tunes). Also, YANBU to limit the number of screens your kids have access to.

And if you set firm boundaries and stick to them you should be okay. We made our DD a little cardboard clock and stuck a Ds picture to the hour she is allowed for it each dayso that she knows when she can and can't have it. It also helped teaching time for her.
She also has rules such as all her homework has to be done.

I think your reasons are valid. My ds sounds very similar to yours.

My ds does have a ds console but it is not available for regular use. He is allowed it for long car journeys or places where he will have to wait around and there is not much else for him to do there (eg while dd has her riding lesson). It has always been restricted like this and, despite his personality, this has been accepted.

I would be very careful about what games you buy too. Look for games which are low on frustration and where he can't die.

The Lego games are usually ok from this point of view. Super Mario Bros will drive him bananas as when you die you have to go back to the start of the section you are on which can lead to tears and tantrums.

There are many benefits associated with limited ds time. It has been proven it makes children more alert and their brains more active, which can be useful if timed correctly. Some games encourage reading in ways that other toys just don't. Many (eg Lego) require an element of problem solving. Many require a leap of imagination as the player "enters" a world and could infact encourage imaginative play outwith gaming time. You get the idea.

I wouldn't dismiss them outright just because they are "techy" but there is also no law stating that he must have what everyone else has. They are pricey purchases.

If Santa can't give 6yos a ds for Christmas... then how do you explain bf (assuming he'd 6yo too) getting one? I think that would make it worse, "Even Santa loves my bf more than me!"

Not making any parents who can't afford the same things as DCs BF's parents feel guilty.

Should I really be buying my DC as much crap as the brats up the road to justify Santa's love?

What is wrong with some people on this thread?

You are making me want to go and live in a forest in a far away country...away from materialistic guilt trips.

Does Father Christmas definitely bring the big presents in your house? In this house Father Christmas fills the stockings and big ticket items are from family and friends. Consequently it's always been my fault if desired item has not come through. Still needs discussion of course but at least it can be rational and about our choices/budgets/beliefs etc, whatever it's appropriate to discuss - rather than emotive and mixed up with the magic of fc.

FWIW my youngest DC did get a DS for Xmas a few years ago, not sure now if she was 5 or 6. She has two much older brothers and does tend to get things younger than they did because she wants to have the same as them. On xmas day she was fairly underwhelmed by it, though it's been great on long journeys etc since. I think she would have been happier to open something else with more of an instant wow so if you do go for Lego, playmobil or similar I really would not worry that he'll be disappointed on Xmas day.

Just an idea....

If you decided to relent and get him one, could you not print up a 'list of instructions for use of DS' from Father Christmas ?

You could perhaps get it laminated, and put on a wall/door where everyone can see it ?

Maybe also get an alarm clock to go with it, that he has to set when he uses it ?

A bit like someone saying smoking - bah what harm can it do

I've heard it all now. Sorry OP, YABU. All your reasons are just excuses why you can't control his use of it.

I wanted a Mr Frosty for Christmas when I was a kid. My parents and grandparents all thought it was a waste of time and I never got one. Sure, I got lots of other things and was a well loved, happy child. But still, to this day I remember that I never had a Mr Frosty and everyone else did.

Gwendoline, obviously as his mum I CAN control his use of it- but is it worth the aggro, the tantrums, the crying, the upset to give him what he wants on Christmas Day? I too wanted a Mr Frosty and never got one. I'm 35 now and I have got over it.

mysteryfairy- in this house, FC brings all the presents except those that specifically come from friends and family.

My dilemma is: I don't think the DS is a brilliant toy for him for the reasons I have outlined. I don;t think I should be held hostage to buying him a toy I don't really approve of at his age because he is BF is getting one. But, I don't want him to think FC thinks he is less worthy or less loved than his BF.

The op hasn't said he'll never have one.

Just that she doesn't want him to have one for Christmas this year.

If he gets one when he is 9 he won't be able to cling on to the grudge of not having one for the rest of his life.

And I really think the thousands of people who never had a Mr Frosty need to get over it.

My eldest (now 10) sounds similar, he was very much at 6! I find it hard to judge sometimes, quite often he'll play something over and over, until he'll tires of it, then life moves on. Then other times he'll keep going and going and going. He does plenty of things outside of technology but he does seem to go from obsession to obsession. Often he'll spend hours watching You Tube and googling his latest thing, he gets completely stuck in and single minded.

My youngest is very different, always has been, he'll play games, he'll use my DS, iPod Touch etc then forget once he's done. He'll do a bit of Wii and computer time, then he may moan, but it's finished. Then go off to play with his imagination.

I've often bought something for myself and let them use it. That could be one way? He gets his toys. The family get a DS, he's allowed to use it, at the chosen time.

Mr Frosty seems to have brought out the worst in parents. There are a lot of us harbouring grudges :o

but its the things that are witheld that end up having the most allure isnt it? ifyou let him have one, with boundaries as discussed, then it loses some of its cachet and you may well find he voluntarily chooses lego or whatever after the initial buzz
i just dont get that sort of puritan mafia that insists if you arent playing with wooden blocks then its all crap, sort of attitude. how about thinking that a regulated use of a ds or similar actually introduces them to technology, which is rather an important part of the 21 st century?

dd1 is 3 (almost 4) and a year ago I would have said she's far to young for a ds but I've just had twins so when I'm trying to feed dtds and get dd1's dinner ready I let her play a Peppa Pig game on mine. She's so good at it and has got better at coordination, pen control, colours etc so it is actually educational. She still plays with other toys too, but the ds has its place. The 1st week she wanted it all the time so I decided to be stricter about usage and she always asks to use it even if it's in reach.

Our kids' generation will be using IT throughout life far, far more than us, so they do need it in their lives. I would say 6 is fine but then dd is 3 so I'm probably a bad mum. It may help with his obsessive behaviour - set ground rules for it's use and say it will go away until he's 7 if he can't follow the rules.

Oh, but if you don't want to get him one then don't - you're the parent. I think you're making a big issue and assuming ds can't deal with rules. Personallt I wouldn't put up with a 6 yo having tantrums. Clearly we're different people so what do you care what I think?

How would you not put up with a 6 year old having tantrums? Just exactly how would you stop them, PrincessScrumpy? Other than not allowing the thing that might cause them in the first place?

OP: I don't think there's anything wrong in telling your ds that you think he is too young to have a DS. If you don't approve, you don't approve, and I totally felt the same way when mine were 6 yrs old.
Also, like you, I am not super keen to spend more time refereeing yet another thing.

And yes, our children are likely to to be using IT all their lives, perhaps during their childhood we should concentrate in giving them other tools to manage said life.

I think I might start a support group for people who never had a Mr Frost.

I keep telling myself that it's no big deal I never had one, but who am I kidding?

I never had a mr frost either. I was mesmerised by the Argos page where it showed the full glory of everything it could do. Slush puppy type stuff ffs! How cool! And how dullsville did I think my parents were who gently told me that a plastic toy couldn't really have the power to crush ice....
No. Not bitter here either.

I was born in the late 80s - so I empathise a lot with OPs son. I desperately wanted a GameBoy. Everyone else had one. It was soooo lame.

Tough.

I didn't actually loose out on anything at all, apart from raging headaches, being really grumpy and streaming eyes (dunno why - but yes that's the effect DSs etc have on me. Then when borrowed from friends and still now. As an adult!)

They don't suit me and it really doesn't sound like they're going to suit OPs DS either.

It doesn't mean necessarily denying all tech, but giving it to him just because otherwise he'll think FC doesn't value him is just silly.

I think you have to heed the 'what would you do if he asked for something else that wasn't going to happen and his BF was also getting' like a trip to disneyland florida... and just go with that.

My DS (4) and DD (3) use one that was left by my sister. We only have one of the Mario games -they have no idea you can get other games.
The rules are: they take it in turns, if they get cross/angry because they have 'lost' it gets taken away and put in the cupboard, if they fight over it goes in the cupboard, I don't set a timer but give them advance warning etc etc. They know the rules.
Sometimes they are tired and it doesn't go their way but mostly now it's just a nice 'distraction' toy for the car, after school.
I think you should get him one if that's what he really wants. My DS wants an Imaginext Bat Cave and although I'd rather not spend that much money on a large piece of plastic I've got him one because that is the thing he most wants. Until he changes his mind but that's what Ebay is for. Ebay have some pretty good reconditioned DSs or local papers and free ads are a good place to look.

I never had Mr Frosty. I am bitter about this.