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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look (snoop). What would you do?

68 replies

bristolcities · 03/11/2011 20:20

Have just moved in with DP. Was sorting through clothes and oranizing when I came across a bag of photos, cards and other lovey dovey bits from his ex. I (off course) continued to look. Then sent him a very polite message saying "could you get rid of the bits from *** it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable".

He went loopy, shouted at me about "invasion of privacy etc". He has a history of cheating. So.....

Was i unresonable to look and ask him to remove this stuff, or am I just being unresonable living with some one I don't trust? Does he have a point? And most importantly...would you have looked?

some of the keys on my keyboard don't work so please ingnore typos

OP posts:
topknob · 03/11/2011 20:22

Why do you want him to remove it? Genuine question ! Do you want a fresh clean start? Or are you jealous of his past? And why have you moved in with him if he has a history of cheating? xx

MenopausalHaze · 03/11/2011 20:22

I think you've made a mistake and should probably start re-packing your stuff ASAP!

topknob · 03/11/2011 20:23

And yes I would have looked ! x

Onemorning · 03/11/2011 20:23

I can understand why you're uncomfortable, given his history of cheating, but YABU to ask him to throw away old stuff. If my DH asked me to ditch old photos etc I'd say no, he has to accept that I have a past.

However, if it's bits from the OW then YADNBU.

Esta3GG · 03/11/2011 20:25

YABU
He had a life before you turned up.
I would have gone bonkers too.

squeakytoy · 03/11/2011 20:28

You have moved into his house? If these things were on display thats one thing, if they were hidden away and you found them by rooting, thats different.

If he has a history of cheating on your, the photos are the least of your worries really.

EverybodysScaryEyed · 03/11/2011 20:28

really? DH has all his love letters from when he was a teenager. can't see the harm personally (although I do cringe when i read some of the ones i wrote!)

I think you have bigger issues - do you really want to be with someone you can't trust? Because to me your behaviour implies you don't

caveat - if this is stuff from someone he cheated on you with then fair enough

PartyPooperz · 03/11/2011 20:28

If I had stumbled across it i would have found it very difficult to look and probably would have succumbed Blush but I think YABU - for moving in with someone it is quite clear you don't trust (when you say history of cheating - do you mean cheating on your or just in general?).

Have you got your place to go back to?

ilovesooty · 03/11/2011 20:31

YABU. Both to snoop around in his possessions and to expect him to get rid of them.

ilovesooty · 03/11/2011 20:32

Oh, and if you don't trust him why have you moved in with him?

Balsam · 03/11/2011 20:34

I would have looked but then put them back and said nothing. Loads of people keep shit like that, doesn't mean anything. The fact you have an issue with it says to me that you don't really trust him which is understandable given his past cheating but then why are you moving in with him?

Original poster
bristolcities · 03/11/2011 20:34

We have a son together and have been on and off for 6 years, at times I was "the other women". I am jelous and feel totally threatend by her only confermed by an "i love you too" message sent by him to her . The snooping feels like a totally unhealthy obsession. But we have both changed so much since we first met and i really wanted to give this a proper go, I'm just not suree I can.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 03/11/2011 20:34

I would have looked - but if you asked me to get rid of stuff like that, it would make me very cross. And I would see it as a bit of a red flag, tbh.

GetOrfMo1Land · 03/11/2011 20:35

Blimey - you have got a bit of a cheek. What are you doing going through all his stuff?

DP has got photos and stuff from a couple of his exes, and is friends with a couple of them. I don't think you can expect him to complete eviscerate his whole history before you two met. Why did you go rifling through all his things, and what posessed you to ask him to get rid of it all?

When you say he has a hiostory of cheating - is that cheating on you? On the whole it sounds ridiculous to move in when you have no trust.

LynetteScavo · 03/11/2011 20:35

I would have peeked.

I wouldn't have asked him to get rid of sentimental objects from the past.

But then I wouldn't be moving in with someone I trust as much as you trust him.

Or someone with a history of cheating.

Daisy1986 · 03/11/2011 20:36

I would have looked but i wouldn't have asked him to throw it out. Our past is what makes us who we are. I have pics/momentos of old relationships and stuff who I don't even like but I keep the photos as they are memories and important to me although the other person in it may no longer be.

However if they were from someone he has cheated on you with then yes he shouldnt still have them there. My experience of cheating ex is that if they've done it once they'll do it again and if you already don't trust him then you probably shouldn't be moving in with him.

GetOrfMo1Land · 03/11/2011 20:36

Were you the other woman when your DP was in a formal relationship with the person in the photos/cards?

If so, I don't think you reallt have a moral leg to stand on, tbh.

Mistress's Karma.

Original poster
bristolcities · 03/11/2011 20:36

It is a new house we have both just moved in to.

OP posts:
minipie · 03/11/2011 20:37

YABU

You are being very controlling. Why would you start going through his stuff when you've just moved in? Why look through a bag of stuff which is clearly personal? And then FGS why ask him to get rid of it?

ilovesooty · 03/11/2011 20:38

I am jelous and feel totally threatend by her

So it's about your insecurities then.

ThingsThatGoFlumpInTheNight · 03/11/2011 20:39

I don't blame you for peeking - yes it's wrong - but wouldn't we all be tempted to have a look?

I think you were overstepping the mark saying he should get rid though - so I don't blame him for getting angry at that. Unless this woman was someone he saw when he was cheating on you, that is...

The bigger (and real) problem here is that you clearly don't trust him at all. Whether justified in that or not, that is a problem that you will both have to sort out if you're to make your relationship work.

Original poster
bristolcities · 03/11/2011 20:41

When i was the "other women" I had no idea of this. Hard to believe i know but he went out of his way to make sure I thought he was single when he was living some 40mins away. He would always return to her. I know this sounds like i am being a totall idiot but im pretty sure he has changed. It was an abusive relationship and i was very young but he has been gtting help and it sems to be working.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/11/2011 20:45

You are mad. Sorry but you are making a bloody huge mistake. :(

Esta3GG · 03/11/2011 20:45

Abusive and a philanderer. Quite a catch you have there. Are you sure you aren't rooting round looking for reasons to get out of this?

Original poster
bristolcities · 03/11/2011 20:45

Oh i should mention that amoung the things was a note written by her asking for no contact with me...at all, might explain why he didn't see his son for 3 months.

OP posts: