Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To look (snoop). What would you do?

68 replies

bristolcities · 03/11/2011 20:20

Have just moved in with DP. Was sorting through clothes and oranizing when I came across a bag of photos, cards and other lovey dovey bits from his ex. I (off course) continued to look. Then sent him a very polite message saying "could you get rid of the bits from *** it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable".

He went loopy, shouted at me about "invasion of privacy etc". He has a history of cheating. So.....

Was i unresonable to look and ask him to remove this stuff, or am I just being unresonable living with some one I don't trust? Does he have a point? And most importantly...would you have looked?

some of the keys on my keyboard don't work so please ingnore typos

OP posts:

aurynne · 03/11/2011 22:42

I have photos and letters from all my ex-boyfriends. My DP has a whole drawer full of photos from the time with his ex-DW. There is no way in Hell I would ask him to get rid of them, as there is no way in Hell I would get rid of my own memories.

I believe the problems with your DP have nothing to do with his photos, but you are using the circumstance to think twice about your decision to move in with him, which by your own description of the relationship, you are more than reasonable to do.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/11/2011 22:47

He's not very trustworthy, is he? I think you know that. If you trusted him you wouldn't have reacted how you did to his old things.

proudfoot · 03/11/2011 22:52

YABU, massively. I would also have been very very annoyed in your DP's position. There is no harm in keeping old photos. I have loads and some exPs do sometimes appear in them... doesn't mean I am pining for them or cheating, just that I like to have photos to remember all the different times in my life. I would be furious if a partner of mine rooted through and told me to throw some away. Would think they were nuts, very insecure and jealous, busybodying - just totally ridiculous.

HowlingBitch · 03/11/2011 23:16

Christ trois, May I have a lollipop from your perfect land of wonderfulness?

Life happens, Shit happens. OP you sound very unsure about your situation right now. Perhaps you should just stay with your mum full time until you know how you really feel? It's not sounding good TBH.

kiwimumof2boys · 04/11/2011 03:21

Sorry I'm a bit confused. OP were you seeing him when he was living 40 mins away with now ex but he told you he was single ?
That sounded a bit blunt didn't it !

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 04/11/2011 06:53

No, lucifer, I mean I didn't care then and I don't care now that I ripped it up! I am unrepentant for ripping it up.

Morloth · 04/11/2011 07:05

Really? You are actually going to move your kid in with this creep? Really?

iscream · 04/11/2011 07:23

I would have looked back when I was younger and first with my now dh. I was insecure as far as men went when I first met him, he did not ever give me any reason to be, I was insecure from past bad relationships. It is wrong to read people personal letters without permission, that is probably what made him so angry. Imagine if someone did that to you how you'd feel.

If I were you I would apologuise for that, and not mention his destroying them again.
I hope for your sake he has changed though.

MorelliOrRanger · 04/11/2011 07:38

YABU sorry - but to snoop through someone's personal stuff is wrong. You shouldn't be in a relationship if you can't trust the person and clearly you can't.

This isn't just about him cheating, you already put off moving in with him, but maybe you shouldn't have done so just yet.

TheQueenOfDeDead · 04/11/2011 08:03

Apart from the fact that this man is a total arse I am completely confused

Who was the OW you or the "Ex". Which of you was involved with him first?

TestAnswers · 04/11/2011 08:11

About ten years ago I had a boyfriend I was on the brink of moving in with (he was 16 years older than me so definitely had a past and I knew part of that past was cheating). I admit that I used to snoop when in his house alone - I knew it was the wrong thing to do and I certainly didn't tell him. I found nothing to suggest he was cheating on me now (but found plenty of interesting stuff along the way) so I partly moved in - just one day later I managed to access his email account and found a lot of evidence that he had most definitely cheated on me. I moved out. He was a real charmer and exciting but I just knew not to fully trust him. Now married and never had the urge to snoop around DHs stuff - I think that says it all really!

pinkdelight · 04/11/2011 08:12

It does sound very complicated and like you maybe don't even know what it might be like to have a healthy trusting relationship - if you can't imagine a scenario where you wouldn't have to snoop. It isn't going to get better with this man. Make a freash start - without him.

Original poster

bristolcities · 04/11/2011 11:58

trois are all single mothers irrasponsible? When we met 6 years ago he was loving and caring and said all the right things about being a brilliant dad and he was up untill my son was a month when he started cheated and being abusive in EVERY way. There are some men (very fwe I'm sure) who aree so bloody basic that the need to procreate with different women and spread thr dna ovr rides normal behavior. A letter from my sons nursery confermed that he was "an inredibly happy, emotionaly stable, bright boy" i may be stupid, insecure and have a poor grasp of the english language but I am a good mum and hav proteted my son at all costs.

OP posts:

Original poster

bristolcities · 04/11/2011 12:00

I was involved with him first, from th age of 17, we have been apart and the longest stretch was a year. In this time he had anouther girlfriend.

OP posts:

Original poster

bristolcities · 04/11/2011 12:04

Kiwi I wasnt "seeing" him as suh but we were (i thought) close and slept together a few times. He had his son on sundays and always came to us.

OP posts:

Original poster

bristolcities · 04/11/2011 12:05

I have NO issue with abortion and had i known at the time what i did now i may have made a different choice.

OP posts:

VeryLittleGravitas · 04/11/2011 14:07

bristolcities

You are not protecting your son by living with this man. Abusers don't change.

I've been in your position. I lived in a refuge for over a year in order to escape my abusive exH after he chucked me down the stairs when pregnant. Had counselling, sorted out my esteem and co-dependency issues, found a new place to live, was sorted...

I then stupidly let him move back in with me, believing all of his bullshit about changing. Big mistake. Within a few weeks the abuse started back up again. I threw him out, but the damage had already been done. At that point I was drinking heavily, my self esteem was at rock bottom and I ended up in a relationship with a violent, predatory Narcissist. It took me a further two years to extract myself from that, and it caused untold distress to my children.

Leave him, and take some time to sort yourself out. That would be my advice to myself 20 years ago, and it's my advice to you now.

NellyMelba · 04/11/2011 14:22

am I just being unresonable living with some one I don't trust?

why dont you trust him? surely you are the one who cant be trusted, by snooping

all this went on before you were even a twinkle in his eye so why are you bothered about it now - photos and little mementos cant hurt you you know and he has asked you to move in, not her (unless you are a second choice)

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread