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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To look (snoop). What would you do?

68 replies

bristolcities · 03/11/2011 20:20

Have just moved in with DP. Was sorting through clothes and oranizing when I came across a bag of photos, cards and other lovey dovey bits from his ex. I (off course) continued to look. Then sent him a very polite message saying "could you get rid of the bits from *** it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable".

He went loopy, shouted at me about "invasion of privacy etc". He has a history of cheating. So.....

Was i unresonable to look and ask him to remove this stuff, or am I just being unresonable living with some one I don't trust? Does he have a point? And most importantly...would you have looked?

some of the keys on my keyboard don't work so please ingnore typos

OP posts:

ThingsThatGoFlumpInTheNight · 03/11/2011 20:45

OP was it abusive in other ways as well as the cheating then? If so then you really have work to do if you truly want this to work. Are you trying to make it work purely because of your DC? Or do you really love him?

Sorry for all the qs

ThingsThatGoFlumpInTheNight · 03/11/2011 20:46

So she was involved with him when he knew you. Then I can understand you freaking out and wanting the stuff gone.

But as I said before, that sounds like the least of it

Original poster

bristolcities · 03/11/2011 20:46

Esta yes, I think i might be doing just that.

OP posts:

samandi · 03/11/2011 20:51

Why would you move in with someone with a history of cheating? Leopards and spots, you know. It sounds like a dysfunctional, doomed relationship to me.

Without this, I would consider your request to be completely unreasonable. Have just moved in with partner myself, and I wouldn't dream of telling him what to do with his possessions ... and if he told me, he would be dumped very sharply! That kind of possessiveness is repulsive to me.

samandi · 03/11/2011 20:53

Oh, and no, I wouldn't have continued to look either. None of my business!

Original poster

bristolcities · 03/11/2011 20:53

Yes abusive in many ways, mainly zero contact for days at a time but that has'nt happened since the (apparently unsuccssfull) new start.

OP posts:

531800000008 · 03/11/2011 20:55

run for the hills OP

Original poster

bristolcities · 03/11/2011 20:56

I'm really suprised by the people who wouldn't look.

OP posts:

Maryz · 03/11/2011 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bristolcities · 03/11/2011 21:05

No its bn a few weeks in the house but i have been sort of putting off the move and staying with my mum under the pretence of helping her out.

OP posts:

ChippingInAutumnLover · 03/11/2011 21:06

Well, I think your OP and what you have said since are two quite different things really - it's not as simple as her being his Ex :(

Normal relationship - her a real ex, yes I would have looked a bit, smiled, thought it sweet he'd kept them and put them back as I'd found them.

But not in this situation. He should have already binned them if you were making a fresh start.

Frankly, I think you are mad to have moved in with him. I think you should move out and start afresh on your own. He's bad news. His reaction to this just confirms it - he's not making a fresh start, not at all.

floweryblue · 03/11/2011 21:11

I think we all like a nosey but YABVU to ask anyone to get rid of their personal stuff.

I don't have any 'secrets' from DP, he can ask me anything he likes about my past, he chooses not to. I have a large box labelled 'my private stuff', as far as I know he hasn't looked in it but I wouldn't mind if he did.

On the other hand, I am very nosey and always ask him about his past, he is happy to tell me. And all his personal, pre-me stuff is just there, so I can look/not look, it's up to me.

Both of us have been unfaithful previous to getting together, but, as far as I know, not to each other.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 03/11/2011 21:11

After me and my now husband got together, I went through his stuff.

I found a lovey duvvy card from his ex-fiancee with a picture of her inside it and written in the card was that she'd heard he'd found someone else but loved him and "I suppose it's too late??..." in a bin liner. (He'd thrown everything in his house into bin liners and brought them over to my place)

I ripped everything from her up and threw it in the bin. I didn't care then and I don't care now. Neither did he.

However. Your situation is different. This is a Grade A bastard you have here. Why do you want to hang onto him?

troisgarcons · 03/11/2011 21:20

I wouldnt look.

I wouldnt expect any one to look through my private possessions either.

I have in the past, when seconded abroad, lived in the CEOs house when he on home leave. No way would I poke throught other peoples belongings. Much to the bewilderment of the entire workforce.

If you are that insecure, you should have taken more care not to have a baby by someone you dont trust thus being tied to him for life. Frankly I pity the child, because you dont trust him and you will drive him away with your neurosis.

GetOrfMo1Land · 03/11/2011 21:23

Oh no that sounds a lot worse in your subsequent postings

I wouldn't have snooped, but if a load of photos (say) fell out of box onto the floor I would have looked.

But the fact that he sounds like a complete lunchpacket, and you don't trust him an inch anyway, and he goes awol - well, I don't blame you for being so upset.

But bloody hell it sounds far far from ideal - you have just moved in together and it all seems so insecure on your behalf.

Is he really worth all the bloody heartache - he seems to have run rings around you (and probably this other woman) for years. I can't see it getting better any time soon.

Moving in together should be a time of excitement and lovely plans and stuff - not fights, paranoia and snooping. It all sounds veyr unhappy for you, tbh.

Bogeymanface · 03/11/2011 21:36

History of cheating, proven liar, abusive.

You should have put off moving in permanently!

Did you buy the house together or are you renting?

oh and yes, I would have snooped and those who say they wouldnt either havent been in your situation (lack of trust makes a snooper ime) or are lying!

Bogeymanface · 03/11/2011 21:38

Trois - thats a bit harsh! He has proven himself to be a cheat and a liar, anyone would be insecure! From what the OP has said, she didnt know this when she had a baby with him. And saying "well you shouldnt have had a baby" is stupidly pointless because she did and what she needs to do is deal with things as they are, not how they should have been!

LittleLucifer · 03/11/2011 21:38

Hecate - I am laughing at you not caring but ripping everything up! Surely there must have been some emotion involved if you did that?!

And OP, I would definitely snoop because I am VERY nosey. I have been a snooper & have confessed (in a 'I feel so very guilty but I snooped, found this and it has upset me' kind of way). I think you should have spoken to him face to face and then you could have been honest about your feelings. He might have understood it then rather than felt violated.

Snuppeline · 03/11/2011 21:40

Apart from all the things the others have said you stated in a post a bit up thread that you delayed your part of the move (into the new house with him) on the pretence that you helped your mother. That tells me you had cold feet but moved in regardless. Why? Did he press you while you were at your moms or did you start thinking you should give the relationship a go because of your son?

This relationship sounds complicated. Very complicated. And emotionally abusive (you've yet to mention any physical or sexual abuse so not including them...). He clearly weren't there for you when you had your son (why would you otherwise write he didn't see your son for 3 months? Less of course it was worse and he was there when you had your boy and then left you both for the original woman). If you are with him mostly for your son then ask yourself what sort of role model this man will be and what the impact of this man leaving the pair of you (either for the first time or again).

What does your family and friends think of this move?

The fact that you were the OW whilst he was in another, presumably serious, relationship and she asked him to stay away after you had your son tells me there's som

Onemorning · 03/11/2011 21:41

OP, I take back my YABU. Generally, it's unreasonable but in your case... I was with an abusive man and I snooped to survive, IYSWIM. (He did drinking awol)

Good luck x

troisgarcons · 03/11/2011 21:48

bogey no its not. I wouldnt have allowed myself to breed with a man I couldnt trust and didnt know inside out. Its not rocket science. If they dont want to marry you and have children, well, lets face it no decent bloke is going to take a bite out of the cake then buy it is he?

And i'll be flamed.

But here we have a situation where the father has a past. The mother is distrustful. And there is a child involved. Never going to end happily is it? only person in this who isnt at fault is the child. But it will cop the fall out. Welcome to parenting 21st century style.

GetOrfMo1Land · 03/11/2011 21:51

trois that is harsh I think. There are plently of women on mumsnet who have thought that they knew the father inside out, and somewhere along the line he has turned out to be a complete wankstain.

It is a shit situation, admittedly.

troisgarcons · 03/11/2011 21:53

harsh? quite probably. True? undoubtedly.

AnotherEmptyNest · 03/11/2011 21:59

This topic makes me think of aspects of family history. It's all very well to feel violated by what has gone on in the past but what about his - if any - children? These documents would give them and their descendants a picture of what their antecedent was like. Don't destroy - keep - for the younger generation. If you would like to give your input, write your feelings down and file your document with those that you have found.

Bogeymanface · 03/11/2011 22:06

I married mine, had a baby with him and I trusted him inside and out. And he too turned out to be a lying cheating shithead.

And when she got Pg you are assuming she had a choice. Accidental pregancies do happen you know! Or are you saying that she should have terminated on the basis that at that point she didnt know him inside and out?

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