Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to poke my MIL in the eye with a dummy?

84 replies

Bethshine82 · 03/11/2011 13:08

Argh! Sorry, it's another MIL thread.
Yesterday my PIL came over to inflict themselves on us see us. MIL is massively overbearing at the best of times (refers to DS as "my little boy", tells him she loves him more than anyone else does etc gag gag) but she annoyed me more than usual yesterday.
Unfortunately whilst they were here DS was running around and tripped up. He did go with a real thwack tbf and immediately started to cry. She tried to pick him up but happily he only wanted me so she was thwarted, ha ha. I sat DS on sofa with a drink and biscuit (and bloody Dora on TV) to help him get over the "trauma" and to distract him a bit. He'd stopped crying (it was shock as much as anything) and then MIL sat next to him and said "I think he needs his dummy mummy." (Also hate it when she refers to me as mummy but anyway). Thing is DS is coming up to two and a half and we are trying to get rid of dummies. It was my PIL that gave him a dummy in the first place, I never even wanted him to have one. He had been dummy free for nearly a week and had stopped mentioning it after an initial battle. MIL KNEW this. Of course when she mentioned the dummy DS started crying all over again, "Want dummy mum, want dummy."
MIL implied I was being mean to him by saying "Well, I'd give you your dummy my precious boy you've had a terrible terrible shock." FFS he'd only fallen over not lost a limb. So he ended up having the dummy because he howled more about that than he did over originally falling over and she was feeding into it saying "Get his dummy mummy." "He needs a bit of comfort he's had an awful accident" etc etc. And now we are back to square one re dummy. Had battle with him over it again last night and again at nap time today.

AIBU to want to stick a dummy in her mouth so she shuts up? And also to poke her in the eye repeatedly with a dummy? It drives me MAD. This is why people do not like their MILs.

(Sorry I know it is petty but I lay awake and fumed about it last night.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Bethshine82 · 03/11/2011 14:07

anecdote.

OP posts:
ChippingInAutumnLover · 03/11/2011 14:09

Honestly, just stop putting up with it.

You should have said to her. 'You know DS doesn't have a dummy anymore, why have you upset him like this? What do you get out of it?'

Don't just sit there meekly - speak up for yourself!

Still putting his food through the blender? She's cracked.

It's time your DH grew up and also stopped enabling this horrible behaviour.

Becaroooo · 03/11/2011 14:10

beth

Yep Sad

He sounds like your problem, not your MIL.

Becaroooo · 03/11/2011 14:14

I put up with behaviour like this for 13 years beth so I dont want you to think I am not sympathetic, but, seriously, you and he need a BIG talk.

Dh now knows that either me and dc come first or its over.

Took a major fall out, though, but things are MUCH better now.

I dont see them often, keep my distance, dont go every week any more and on EVERY holiday due to her emotional blackmail. It works.

I would not let your son be with your PILs and DH ....feeding him liquidised food ffs!!!!! What was your dh thinking??????

ShroudOfHamsters · 03/11/2011 14:14

That's shocking.

More your DH's position than that of his frankly mad mother.

Time for a big, big chat. In which you show him this thread, explain that as you'd like to stay married, and have DS grow up with both parents together and happy, it's time to reassess how the family works. That now YOU are the parents, and his parents are the GRANDparents. So, you decide where you and your child are at Christmas - and you want it to be in your own home. YOU have a life and a social life wich doesn't revolve around them. Every Sunday is too much - from now on it will be fortnightly, as you wish to spend more FAMILY time and be able to go on trips etc.

Above all, you wish to know exactly how he plans to treat his role as a husband and father. Is that now his main role, or is he still first and foremost a son? If the former, you want to see some big changes in the way he allows his mother to force her way in to your life. Detail some of the ways in which you feel her behaviour is inappropriate. Demand he listen. Finish up by saying - if nothing changes, our marriage will fail. If she doesn't butt out - and that includes small, innocent comments about not wanting Mummy there so she can pretend your son is her own - you might decide to butt out yourself one day, once all your respect for your husband - sorry, MIL's little boy - has been eroded.

Original poster
Bethshine82 · 03/11/2011 14:14

Actually reading it all back is barely believable. I know if someone else was telling me all this I'd be like FGS, just tell MIL to get lost and tell DH to man up! But somehow it's harder when its yourself in the situaion...

I think ChippingInAutumnLover that she did the dummy thing on purpose to endear herself to DS whilst making me look mean because I wasn't giving him the dummy.

OP posts:
diddl · 03/11/2011 14:14

"DH joined them on the quest to give DS a dummy"

There´s your problem, then.

pink4ever · 03/11/2011 14:15

beth-it could be me writing this thread!With regards to going to inlaws every sunday-I have done this for the past 14 yearsShock. Have also spent the past 5 xmas with them and have never actually had xmas day in my own home.

This year I have told mil that we are staying at home for xmas as this is what the kids-well the eldest two-want. Dh is digging his heels in and wont discuss it. I have told him he is welcome to go to his parents but tbh if he chooses them over us after I have bent over backwards to keep them happy for years then that will be the end of our marriage.

ShroudOfHamsters · 03/11/2011 14:16

Oh yes, and don't forget that you really can call the shots when it comes to your DS.

It's time for action.

Don't let him go with just your DH. Reason? She feeds him liquidised food, it isn't good for him, she's been told, if she won't listen and respect your parenting decisions, he doesn't go there. Simple.

Hard to start with, but once established, worth the bother. You respect my decisions, or you don't get the privilege of me trusting you with my son.

pink4ever · 03/11/2011 14:17

Sorry for hijack but you are so right beth-I have had loads of great advice on here about how to deal with mil and how to make dh see that is he being really unfair but some how they always end up making me look the bad one!

We went there for dinner last sunday-as per usual!-and bil,mil and dh were whispering in the dining room re the whole xmas thing-its so fecking pathetic!Angry

diddl · 03/11/2011 14:18

"Problem is, DH is the youngest and she has babied him so he finds it hard to hear any criticism of her. I have to tread extremely carefully."

No, it´s just easier to give in to her & let you take the flak.

ShroudOfHamsters · 03/11/2011 14:21

It is hard.

A good way to start would be over the dummy thing.

Say to your DH that you were shocked at the way she put herself before your DS - you'd both worked so hard to move him forward into accepting the dummy going, and she - so selfishly, so cruelly to DS - put it back in his head because she wanted the pleasure of seeming to be the one giving him something.

Point out to your DH that that's not real love, that's selfish thoughtless behaviour.

If she's going to treat him like a little toy to play with, he's going to grow up a worse mannered, more demanding, more confused little boy - especially if he carries on spending FAR TOO MUCH time with them.

MIL is getting into a nasty little habit of undermining you. You've had enough, so you are going to spend a few weeks nipping it in the bud, before it becomes a real problem (big smile). After all, wouldn't it be a shame if she pissed you off so much that you decided it was best that they didn't see him at all for a while, for example until the dummy is really forgotten, wouldn't it? :) And there you were, thinking that it would be nice to invite them to your first Christmas at home with DS - your first new family Christmas. Wouldn't it be a shame if that couldn't happen, because you were no longer speaking to MIL?

:)

Original poster
Bethshine82 · 03/11/2011 14:29

Yes I will try. I will indeed start with the dummy thing as that is the most recent incident.
I will then progress to liquidised food, pretending DS is her own and finish with "and she wanted to arrange his birth around her holiday."

I know, I just know, that I will still be made to feel unreasonable by DH but at least I will have said what I think. I try and keep the peace at the moment and I'm sure it's going to cause me to have a stomach ulcer.

Thank you everyone for advice xx

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 03/11/2011 14:30

Please don't let your MIL feed your DS liquidised food. Children need food to help their mouths work to help them speak.

I feel for you, OP, but you do have to get your DH working with you, not against you. You and your DC are his first family now, not his mother. I think you do have to say something like pink has said to her DH about him having to choose now. He should back you up. Parents should not fight about their DC's upbringing in public at all. It's no good for anybody.

It's very hard, but you do need to get a bit of backbone now before it goes on for any longer. As for the dummy, just take them all away. You already had won the battle when he hadn't had them for a week. You should have got rid of them then.

ihatecbeebies · 03/11/2011 14:34

Yanbu, that would drive me crazy

AnotherEmptyNest · 03/11/2011 14:38

I haven't read all the posts recently but, as for the dummy, is it possible that your MiL keeps a supply at her house?

ShroudOfHamsters · 03/11/2011 14:42

'DH, I appreciate that this is hard for you to hear me say, and I know that you love your parents and want them involved with DS. But I am warning you, I really am. If you want to respond like this - to make out it's me with the problem, to go in a huff because you don't like what I'm saying - then that's up to you. I can't make you listen. But I can warn you. This is serious. Things have changed. We have a child now. I will not have my parenting undermined. I will not have my child confused or made something to fight over. Your mother had her chance to parent. Now it's mine. I will not give in over this, but I WILL get to the point that I decide that if you have more loyalty to your parents than to your wife, I will come to the conclusion that this family isn't meant to be.

Think very hard about what I am saying before deciding how you want to react to it, because you are risking more than you think. Unless of course what your mother wants FROM our child is more important than what WE want FOR him.'

ChippingInAutumnLover · 03/11/2011 14:46

Beth - I know why she did it, you know why she did it - the point is to ask her why she did it, put her on the spot!! Make her see that she upset her GS not you.

Original poster
Bethshine82 · 03/11/2011 14:46

ShroudOfHamsters you're good :)

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 03/11/2011 14:53

"Including showing up with 18 other family members"

she sounds mental! And she liquidises his food?
You really need to get your husband to see how stupid she is being and then out his foot down!

However, I recon it would be easier all round if you started putting your foot down.

maxybrown · 03/11/2011 15:01

eek, it's all a bit "The Little House" this. I know it is hard, but remember, it is going to have a detremental effect on your son, keep that in your mind at all times when you cannot find the strength, because that, in the long run is who is most affected.

ShroudOfHamsters · 03/11/2011 15:10

Blush :)

And what maxybrown said. Most important thing - having a nutty over-the-top intense grandma who the whole family pussyfoots around and who causes bad feeling will have a bad effect on your son. His son.

Point out to your DH that the woman who liquidises food for a two year old is going to end up in the unhappy position of being the grandmother that a twelve-year-old doesn't want to visit because she treats him like a baby when he isn't one.

Believe it or not, sorting this behaviour out now will also mean that your MIL has a better chance of being happier in ten years time - as the much loved grandmother who ACTS like a grandmother - rather than the overbearing wannabe 'Mum2' who both you and your DS (and any other children to come) will end up avoiding like the plague!

Tell your DH that too. Things need to shake down so the family works as a family - and that means your MIL realising what her proper grandmotherly place should be.

valiumredhead · 03/11/2011 16:10

But MIL need not be so tactless / thoughtless

She's unlikely to change, but YOU can :)

girlywhirly · 03/11/2011 16:54

Limiting time spent with the ILS will help you enormously. And don't let them babysit or have DS on their own at all. Treating you as a borrowed womb while she lives out her fantasies pretending that DS is her own baby makes MIL sound mentally ill, frankly.

cheesespread · 03/11/2011 18:38

my MIL is similar

i had a EMCS,a week later i lended up back in hospital with a burst abdomen,PILs came to vist me and my MIL told me it was self inflicted ! ??

its took me a good few years to get my OH round to my way of thinking about her,she only started been sarcastic with me when i fell pregnant

he s on my side now,im dying for her to say something nasty to me when OH is in earshot but of course she normally does it when no one else is around

its a really hard situation to be in

my MIL doesnt have a lot of intrest in my DS see s him about once every 2 months

i feel ive tried my best to get on with her thats all i can do,i will be puttin my foot down from now on when she s nasty to me

if i was you id have a good talk with your OH or you ll lend up arguing about her all the time