AIBU to want to poke my MIL in the eye with a dummy?

[Bethshine82]

Argh! Sorry, it's another MIL thread.
Yesterday my PIL came over to inflict themselves on us see us. MIL is massively overbearing at the best of times (refers to DS as "my little boy", tells him she loves him more than anyone else does etc gag gag) but she annoyed me more than usual yesterday.
Unfortunately whilst they were here DS was running around and tripped up. He did go with a real thwack tbf and immediately started to cry. She tried to pick him up but happily he only wanted me so she was thwarted, ha ha. I sat DS on sofa with a drink and biscuit (and bloody Dora on TV) to help him get over the "trauma" and to distract him a bit. He'd stopped crying (it was shock as much as anything) and then MIL sat next to him and said "I think he needs his dummy mummy." (Also hate it when she refers to me as mummy but anyway). Thing is DS is coming up to two and a half and we are trying to get rid of dummies. It was my PIL that gave him a dummy in the first place, I never even wanted him to have one. He had been dummy free for nearly a week and had stopped mentioning it after an initial battle. MIL KNEW this. Of course when she mentioned the dummy DS started crying all over again, "Want dummy mum, want dummy."
MIL implied I was being mean to him by saying "Well, I'd give you your dummy my precious boy you've had a terrible terrible shock." FFS he'd only fallen over not lost a limb. So he ended up having the dummy because he howled more about that than he did over originally falling over and she was feeding into it saying "Get his dummy mummy." "He needs a bit of comfort he's had an awful accident" etc etc. And now we are back to square one re dummy. Had battle with him over it again last night and again at nap time today.

AIBU to want to stick a dummy in her mouth so she shuts up? And also to poke her in the eye repeatedly with a dummy? It drives me MAD. This is why people do not like their MILs.

(Sorry I know it is petty but I lay awake and fumed about it last night.)

Re dummy - DS did not have one until 6 months despite PIL saying he would sleep better with one etc. Anyway left him with them one evening, came home, discovered they had given him a dummy. Then there was intermittent dummy usage but DH joined them on the quest to give DS a dummy and when he took him round they would give him the dummy.
So I gave in. So I know it is partly my fault too but the point is I would never had introduced dummies to him without their interference.
And I know they are loving grandparents, they aren't abusive and it could be worse. I do understand that it would be worse if they took no interest in DS. I just wish MIL wasn't so pushy and alas DH is a mummy's boy. Other examples of things she has said include:
When in hospital after C-section I struggled to BF DS. I really wanted to BF it was important to me. For a range of reasons we struggled and DS ended up losing weight so we had to stay in hospital longer than planned. MIL said "Why don't you just give up so you can bring him home so that I can show him off to all my friends."
Standing outside the door when I was expressing (which I did for six months) demanding that I "hurry up" as one of her friends was waiting to have a go at "nursing him."
When I was in hospital when pregnant after suffering horrific morning sickness tell DH whilst on speaker phone that "it doesn't matter about her as long as the baby is ok."

So whilst I'm sure she is not my greatest fan either you can see that she has not done much to help the DIL/MIL relationship!

Oh bethshine, they sound a fucking nightmare. The resentment just keeps bubbling from something so insensitive as that doesn't it. As for the dummy incident...I'd have got very cross with MIL.

I remember going to a PIL BBQ when DD was a few weeks, having a terrible time with a growth spurt, unwell with colic in evening, hated eing held by people other than me or DH and I was pretty much stuck in a spare room breast feedng whilst everyone else had a great time. At the time i could have thrown them all on the charcoal. they passed her around all day despite me saying she was really not enjoying it, unsurprisingly she had a full meltdown and they passed her back to me to deal with the bloody aftermath...and somehow they thought i was unreasonable for not loving that day there.

Moral of the story. Fuck the lot of em

Valiumredhead - I suppose it's because I don't like confrontation. I stood my ground a bit but when DS was still howling and MIL was still going on about it I did give in. I start to doubt myself and think "maybe she's right." Then afterwards I want to kick myself because clearly she isn't right!

Feeling your pain OP - both the annoying MIL and trying to wean a 2yo DS off his dummy. Don't give up now!

She sounds horrid and not worth bothering with, but, again, where is your dh when this is happening???

What did he say to the "she doesnt matter" comment, for instance?

I would kick him til he squeaks

Then her.

She sounds like hard work but if you give in and doubt yourself I don't think you can complain tbh. It doesn't need to be confrontational, just a simple 'no' is fine - nice and calm, smily smily would you like a cuppa etc etc...

...of course I am many years down the road with the relationship with my PILs....and my dh knows (after an incident 2 years ago) that if he ever chooses them over us again we are finsihed.

Took me 16 years to get there, though, tbf!!

Whats that great MN quote?

"No" is a complete sentance"

I think some of it is because she wants him to stay a baby. Which is why she wanted him to have the dummy. When we told her we were trying to get rid of them she actually said "But he's still a baby." And she also still liquidises DS's lunch when DH takes him over. She does not do this if I go as I have put my foot down on that front (after a few attempts anyway) but I know she still does if I don't go with DH and DS. DH doesn't see what harm it's doing and I suppose it isn't doing any real harm, it's just DS does not need baby food now. MIL was most put out when DS wouldn't let her spoon feed him anymore. She still tries even now.

In fact thinking about this is explains a lot about my DH! (Did his washing / ironing for him until I took over even though he had moved out, used to go round and clean his house for him once a week and mow the lawn. And leave him meals in the freezer.)

tell her the word 'dummy' is banned from your house and so will she be if she says it. "My house, MY child, my rules".

tell her it's bad for the speech and she can pay for all his dental treatment to correct the damage it's done. (even though it isn't unless in all day, all my kids have/had dummies)

if it's so much of an issue then do you have to let your DS spend time with her when you're not around? One of the reasons my IL's rarely spend time alone with my kids is so I can hear what ideas they put in my kids heads and deal with it at the time.

BethShine82

The "she doesnt matter" comment and the way your MiL treats her son like a Big Girl's Blouse made me think. I hope I'm not being intrusive or way out of it but is your MiL from an ethnic minority and perhaps you are not? .

Naturalbaby - I do with them some Sundays but other Sundays I catch up on housework / laundry (my life is so exciting) or occasionally see friends. It just gives me a few free hours as DS is not at nursery yet and I am a SAHM.
When I do go with them I feel awkward and MIL often says things like "We prefer it when Mummy doesn't come because you (DS) only want mummy when she's here." She says it in a pretend jokey way but does mean it. And for what it's worth my DS doesn't always want me, he is quite sociable and happy to go off and playt, but like most children if he's tired or hurt or wants a hug he will usually come to me if I am there. He talks more to me than anyone else too but again I think that is normal. Anyway, she doesn't like it. When we first had him PIL asked if they could take DS out for a walk, I said I would come too and she said "Oh no because then I can't pretend he's mine." So I think if I am not there she pretends DS is hers. Worrying. Because where does that put DH in all of this?! Does she pretend he's the father and she's the mother?! Might be sick now.

beth-why are you avoiding answering the questions re your dh behaviour? Why is he not backing you up?.

You have my sympathy with regards to the visitors after returning from hospital. I also had a c section and returned home to find dh building a new bbq leaving me to look after newborn,a toddler and our eldest. He then buggered off out and I was left to entertain,run after inlaws,sil and 2 dn for hours. Fil even stood by and watched me on my knees cleaning spillage up from kitchen floor

I have never got over this and even the mention of the word bbq has me frothing at the mouth

Bethshine, I guess you're not going to understand your MIL until the day your son shows you his first child. Of course it'll all be too late by then.

Once your own babies are grown up (or nearly so), you will think with huge regret of the days when they were tiny. You will smile at strange babies in Tesco, and feel pleasure when they smile back. Then when you have your own grandchild, all the feelings will come rushing back, and all the things you used to do with your own babies, you will want to share with your grandchildren.

Why do so many mothers feel they are in competition with their MILs? They should feel compassion for them.

pink4ever - you have my sympathy.

It is true DH does not stand up to MIL. He says things like "Bless her, she's always been tactless." and "She just speaks without thinking." Which does not really help. Problem is, DH is the youngest and she has babied him so he finds it hard to hear any criticism of her. I have to tread extremely carefully.

Crikey, I think this is about the 4th thread I've read where the mother is descended upon by relatives, feels obliged to sit on the floor following a CS, acquiesces to the demands for food and drink, and doesn't get to hold their baby. I just don't understand why people do this, and why the new parents allow this to happen.

Bethshine, your MIL is not in charge of you. She is not in charge of your DS. You don't have to give in to her demands. I completely understand why you're pissed off- she's trampling all over your parenting.

You don't have to give in to your MIL to keep the peace.

" No thank you, we are not planning to use dummies". Then don't.

"You can't all come in today I'm afraid, we'll give you a ring soon".

" Your friends are not my concern. PLease leave me to feed my baby in peace or go home".

"DS is a big boy now and doesn't use his dummy. Isn't Nanny proud of how grown up DS is?"

Parenting your own child is not an unreasonable thing to expect to do. But you have to tell your PIL, don't just give in.

Why arent you answering the questions about your DH's behaviour letting this go on???????

Perhaps show him this thread OP???

Your PILs and esp MIL are behaving very badly and so - by condoning their controlling and nasty behaviour - is your dh.

Who is he married to?

You or her?

Time for a serious chat, I think.

'I suppose it's because I don't like confrontation.'

-I'd start getting a bit more of a taste of it if I were you :)

'In fact thinking about this is explains a lot about my DH!'

-Yup. Maybe time to tell him he's an adult too now, when you start requesting that he tell his pushy interfering mother to butt out?

'"We prefer it when Mummy doesn't come because you (DS) only want mummy when she's here." She says it in a pretend jokey way but does mean it. And for what it's worth my DS doesn't always want me, he is quite sociable and happy to go off and playt, but like most children if he's tired or hurt or wants a hug he will usually come to me if I am there. He talks more to me than anyone else too but again I think that is normal. Anyway, she doesn't like it. When we first had him PIL asked if they could take DS out for a walk, I said I would come too and she said "Oh no because then I can't pretend he's mine."'

• Maybe time to find some other Sunday activities, seems like pandering to every Sunday might be giving her, ahem, a warped sense of where she fits in to your family (Clue: it ain't the other way around).

I understand they love him and want to see him OneHandFlapping. But MIL need not be so tactless / thoughtless. My own mother also loves DS but manages to do so in a way that is not overbearing. I know it is a difficult relationship DIL-MIL, or at least it can be, and I know that one day I may well be a MIL myself. I do get this, honestly I do. Which is why I don't complain (apart from on here) that we never get a weekend to ourselves, that we can't go away for the weekend, that we have to spend Christmas with MIL rather than at home which is what I would like.

But I do find some of the things she says and does difficult.

My dad said to me first and foremost I am his child and that although he loves DS it is my turn now to raise children. And in my opinion this is also true.

Onehandflapping Why do so many mothers feel they are in competition with their MILs? They should feel compassion for them.

OR

Why do so many MIL's feel they are in competition with their DILs? They should feel compassion for them. I think MIL's forget that they had their chance to MOTHER with their own children. It is not their responsibility to mother GC nor to undermine the parenting choices that a DIL makes.

'Problem is, DH is the youngest and she has babied him so he finds it hard to hear any criticism of her. I have to tread extremely carefully.'

No. You don't.

It's your child.

It's your family.

It's your decision on how he is raised.

You don't have to tread carefully. Not with someone who is getting pretty adept at treading OVER you. In fact, you tread carefully here at your peril.

Start liking that confrontation a bit more. She has much, much more to lose here than you. :)

Onehandflapping, Bethshine's MIL isn't being reasonable though. I take the point about grandparents wanting to do things with their own GC and loving them absolutely- that doesn't give them the right to completely undermine the baby's parents all the time.

Bethshine doesn't sound like the one who is trying to create a competition here. Pretending the baby is her own? Telling the child that the GPs don't want the child's mother in the house? How is that in any way showing compassion to her DIL?

(BTW I don't have MIL issues. My MIL is wonderful with the children, and respects our parenting decisions. Because she is so supportive, we trust her absolutely with anything to do with the children).

'Which is why I don't complain (apart from on here) that we never get a weekend to ourselves, that we can't go away for the weekend, that we have to spend Christmas with MIL rather than at home which is what I would like.'

You should have weekends to yourselves. Your marriage probably won't stay as healthy as it should if you don't.

You should go away for weekends and more. Are you going to deny your DS memories of trips away with his mum and dad, so as not to anger his grandmother?

Christmas: these are YOUR years to raise your children, and that includes making Christmases for them. Put your foot down NOW. Did your MIL stay at home with her children at Christmas and watch them open their presents at the tree she put up, eat the Christmas dinner she made? Yes? Then game over. Put your foot down. Stay home.

Can I also add the following adecode:

When pregnant we knew I would deliver early because I was a high risk pregnancy. My PILs (god knows why) booked a foreign holiday around the date I was likely to deliver. I don't know why they did this, they knew the date. MIL then spent three months going on about how sad she was that she wouldn't be there for DS's birth (not in actualy delivery room just to make clear!)

Anyway DS was breech, wouldn't turn and then was scheduled for a planned C-section. She asked DH to ask me if they could BRING THE C-SECTION forwards a week so that she was not on holiday. Seriously she wanted me to rearrange the birth of my child around her holiday which she had booked knowing my due date. And DH thought this was ok. He asked me to phone the hospital to check. I have never ever ever been so cross. In fact I am cross now thinking about it. I refused to do it. I said I was not giving birth at 36 weeks to suit her.

DS ended up coming early at neaerly 36 and being an EMCS anyway.

Maybe it's a divorce I need?!