Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a mum if she will invite both my children to tea not just one?

84 replies

NotSureofTheLaw · 02/11/2011 20:13

My children are 'irish twins' - 13 months age gap. At preschool my two played with a little girl and the eldest and this girl are now in reception. The mum has invited eldest for tea for the first time and I'm having a devil of a time telling youngest why the mutual friend at preschool has only invited one of them. Would it be unacceptable to ask her to take them both (two teas here in return obv) as the three of them have never noticed ages until now. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 02/11/2011 20:39

Very well thank you Andrew Currently happily wallowing under a mountain of washing, pot noodles and Cadbury's chocolate following my sojourn in the motherland.

troisgarcons · 02/11/2011 20:40

FWIW my yongest has non identical twins in his class - both have been encouraged to think and be separate entities. So much so that both of them have different secondary school choices, so that will be interesting come March.

pepperrabbit · 02/11/2011 20:54

This will be no help at all but felt the need to share Grin
I'm laughing at this as my mum used to insist me and my sister did the same things, to the extent that when I went to 6th form college, she insisted Dsis came out with me and my friends in the evenings Hmm.
Worked marvellously till DSis came home PG by one of my friends......
(to be fair they've just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary, but at the time Shock.....)

IsabelNecessaryOnABike · 02/11/2011 20:58

Irish twins? So not twins at all then.

BendyBob · 02/11/2011 21:00

Yabu. My dt's have been in this situation but it's life. They accept totally that they don't always get invited to the same things. It's a good thing to learn sooner rather than later.

Hulababy · 02/11/2011 21:05

Even if they were actual twins I think it would be unacceptable to ask the mum to have both of them to tea, not just one.

The children are individuals, with their own friends. They must be allowed to make these friendships and grow as indivudal children.

Your littliest will make her own seperate friends when she starts school next year too, and will have her own "playdates."

UniS · 02/11/2011 21:05

You CAN ask, she CAN say no.

BendyBob · 02/11/2011 21:16

I think asking is putting the mum in a difficult position. It'd be uncomfortable for her to say no.

2rebecca · 02/11/2011 21:34

If themum had wanted to ask both she would have done. My sibs just had over a year between them but being boy and girl didn't get this nonsense.
All siblings even real twins should be allowed to develop as individuals with their own friends, interests and clothes.

SaggyHairyArse · 02/11/2011 21:36

I would suggest to her that you swap and she has the oldest two and you have the littlies this time. Then next time, you invite both of hers and hopefully she will reciprocate the time after ;-)

SaggyHairyArse · 02/11/2011 21:38

PS. I do that a fair bit, have brother and sister or whatever combo it may be and most parents will do the same back because then everyone gets an evening off. It is the way forward!

topknob · 02/11/2011 21:38

Oh is that what it is called 'Irish twins' I have a set of those, two boys born 9 months apart (one was v v prem) they have totally different friends so this isn't an issue to us and if they were ever placed in the same class I would demand they be changed tbh.

You cannot except a mum to take both, her child might not like the other child x

SacreLao · 02/11/2011 21:40

YABU, not only as it's a really cheeky request to make but also as your children need to learn to make / keep friends independantly of each other.

I know a set of twins who HATED always being 'the twins' and always having to do everything together.

Simply plan a fun day for your younger DC instead, maybe invite a different friend round for tea so they both have a nice day.

clare458 · 02/11/2011 22:19

I have id twin boys and I would love for one to be invited to a friends and not the other. But they have the same group of friends and always play together, so it has never happened.
Your youngest dc has to learn that they can't always do and go where their older sibling goes. Why not invite another friend back to your house on that day so your youngest has something to look forward to too?

babybythesea · 02/11/2011 22:31

Adding a bit late, but I had a close friend who had a younger sister (14 months younger). Their mum insisted little sister went everywhere with big sister, but I didn't really like her. If we played a game that she couldn't quite manage to join in with she whined that we were leaving her out, which led to a bollocking by whichever parent she spoke to. In the end, I stopped seeing my friend (in my defence, this was still primary school!) because I hated always having to pander to her younger sister. Sometimes having her there would have been fine. Always having her there was not, because my friend and I couldn't do the things that we wanted to do (games that were started in class at school that we wanted to carry on at home couldn't be continued for example).

Kayano · 02/11/2011 22:36

Yabu

Onemorning · 02/11/2011 22:38

YABU.

I spent my whole childhood having my younger sister (12 months) foisted on me for that very reason. It was a PITA for both of us and meant my friends stopped inviting me places because they got pissed off with her.

WTFlike · 02/11/2011 22:42

Why "Irish" twins? Was it just the Irish who had babies close together? Or just general racism?

Onemorning · 02/11/2011 22:56

I think it's to do with Irish Catholics using 'the rhythm method' or no contraception therefore babies close together. It could be construed as a bit racist and possibly sectarian.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 02/11/2011 22:58

It's not very sensitive of the Mum but you can't ask....you COULD however ask the child back and pointedly say "Oh X AND Y love having a playdate with your DD..they all got on so well at preschool"

She may simply not have considered it.

PattySimcox · 02/11/2011 22:59

A rare AIBU where the OP actually listens and takes on board people's comments - well done OP. You would be doing your DC no favours to ask the other mum to have both of them

Thomcat · 02/11/2011 23:01

Yes YABU. Happened to me with my 2 youngest and I would never think to ask the mum to have both. She's invited who she's invited. Going to happen a lot to both children, they have to deal with it. DD3 is often left in tears as DD2 goes off. But she'll get her own invites soon enough.

swanriver · 02/11/2011 23:11

I have real twins, and this came up a lot, as dd was always being invited and ds not. I never pushed forward ds. And this was not without heartache, of course ds would have liked to go to every party/playdate dd went to, but I knew it would mean she was invited out far less, and didn't spread her wings. Of course they were invited to plenty of parties on a double invite too.

However as a reverse situation I remember the irritation with a mother who insisted that when dd invited her daughter the little sister always had to come too. It caused such friction, and I don't know why the mother insisted, as I would naturally have invited the little sister and brother too, when I was in the right mood, but didn't like being forced to have everyone for every visit. (They were neighbours)

I see your point though. I would wait for next playdate invite, and you might find when things settle down, both children get invited. People sometimes find playdates quite exhausting to supervise and play safe to start with just one friend. I know that sounds odd when you are used to having hordes, but horses for courses.

carabos · 03/11/2011 07:45

I always thought Irish twins are siblings who are born close enough together to be the "same age" for a period of time. A colleague of mine has DDs like this - 11 months between them. 13 months isn't Irish twins and YABU.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 03/11/2011 07:50

I really bloody hate that term Hmm

And yes YABU but you know that now.