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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very annoyed that DH has spent the best part of £200 on himself TWICE in a month?

75 replies

Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 08:05

Am I?

First one was a couple of weeks ago when he came home from work with bagfuls of clothes he's got himself when he'd popped to a shopping centre after work. Total £190. Then yesterday he announced that he had taken out a new phone contract, with a new iphone, "ONLY £170 for the iphone".

I am cross because a) he did both those things with no consultation with me or no thought about can we afford it b) we have agreed to save at the moment, c) we have three kids that really need to take priority and d) I never, ever ever get to so spend amounts like that on myself. If I just went into town and spent £200 on clothes he would be livid. Technically yes, we can afford for him to spend that, but it means nothing new for me or the kids this month now at all. We all live in Primark things and things from Ebay or from George at Asda. I queried it with him last night and he said "well you go out today and spend £400 on yourself then" but I can't/wouldn't do that as we have bills to pay, food to buy, Christmas around the corner etc. I cancelled a night out last Friday with friends as I felt it would be too expensive.

It shouldn't make any difference, as it's all "our" money, but he works full time, I work very part time.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/11/2011 08:11

I suppose it depends on how often you shop for your clothes as opposed to how often he shops for his? From my experience, men go for months and months with faded, worn, old stuff and then have a splurge.

He's said for you to spend £400 on yourself and I know that you can't because of bills BUT you said that if you'd spent £200 he'd 'be livid'. It doesn't sound like it to me.

It doesn't sound as if he's putting any restrictions on you at all actually, more like you would like to with him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/11/2011 08:12

Forgot to say, yes, I think you're being unreasonable.

Also... if you're shopping for clothes every month, what are they made of? Even the cheapest stores' clothing lasts longer than a month unless you have a killer washing machine? Confused

redcamels · 02/11/2011 08:12

YANBU.

I'd go nuts if DH did that, as would he if I went on a splurge. If you can afford it - great. If not then everyone should wind it in.

Original poster
Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 08:16

I rarely buy clothes for myself Lyingwitch. I don't see why he shouldn't restrict his spending. I can assure you he would be livid if I just went out today and spent £200 on myself, and my sensible side wouldn't let me anyway. His "go and spend £400 on yourself" was more sarcastic than anything, or just said to get me off his back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 08:18

And why shouldn't he restrict his spending if I can't go and spend too because of bills? Why shouldn't I want him to restrict it? It's unfair that he has spent all of our spare cash for the month on himself and unfair that I should have to be the sensible one, as always, because we have bills to pay.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 02/11/2011 08:19

Call his bluff and do it. Spend the money on the dc if you don't want to feel guilty, but do spend it. He needs something to wake him up.

sabrinathemiddleagedwitch · 02/11/2011 08:21

I think it sounds like you feel you make a lot of sacrifices because you are worried about paying the bills but you must have a reasonable buffer if your DH can spend £400 and you are still ok. May I suggest you reorganise your finances so that after all bills are paid and savings are put away you both have an equal amount of personal spending money put into your individual accounts to spend on whatever you want. It can be very frustrating when you want to spend money on different things and one or both partners feel its unfair.

trixymalixy · 02/11/2011 08:23

Hang on you said , technically we can afford for him to spend it then contradicted by saying you have bills to pay and having to cancel nights out? Which is it?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/11/2011 08:23

OP... You said "technically yes, we can afford for him to spend that". You did say that he told you you could spend £400 too. Are you saying that he says it but doesn't mean it? From your post it really isn't clear, not to me anyway.

I'm not having a pop at you but it sounds like you just wanted a rant, sure in your 'reasonableness'. You're entitled to it.

AnotherEmptyNest · 02/11/2011 08:24

When I had small children at home, I didn't spend much, if anything, on clothes. I was given housekeeping and that was for food, bills, school things etc. My husband came home with a new suit one day and I complained asked why he had bought it when I don't buy anything for myself. His answer was, "Well, I go to work." He was always smart even if he was wearing jeans and a tee shirt so all his clothes were smart anyway.

SparklyGothKat · 02/11/2011 08:25

What me and DP do is pay all the bills then save half of what is left and then divide the rest between us, if one of us wants something big then we can just buy it without consulting the other.

Original poster
Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 08:26

Trixy, like I said, we have agreed to save at the moment, so yes, whilst that £400 is there, we had decided to save and both make sacrifices to save money, hence I cancelled my night out.

Lyingwitch, yes I did want a rant, as do many other posters on here, and I am fully entitled to rant and have my opinion about my own situation. And like I said, he only said it to get me off his back. If I went out today and got bagsfull of shopping he would go off on one.

OP posts:
NellyMelba · 02/11/2011 08:28

he's having an affair, leave the bastard

TeamDamon · 02/11/2011 08:31

Yes, you are entitled to rant but why post in AIBU unless you are prepared to be told that you aren't?

I'm with those who say: call his bluff. Go out and spend the £400 on yourself and the children. Then if he gets upset, YANBU and can come back here and rant away safe in the knowledge that everyone will agree with you Grin

ecclesvet · 02/11/2011 08:32

I think you might have a point with the phone thing, especially if his old one worked fine, but £190 on clothes doesn't seem shocking to me. What's that cover, a good winter coat, and a few tops/trousers? I know men who'll go clothes-shopping once or twice a year, is that the case with your DH?

Original poster
Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 08:42

TeamDamon, I'm not going to change my opinion just because I've posted on here. Are people on here supposed to bow down and say "Oooh I am so wrong, I totally agree with you all now" if people disagree with them? No. I posted on here for viewpoints but am sticking to my very valid opinion.

eccles, no he buys things most months for himself. Like I said, I never buy anything for myself, or very rarely.

OP posts:
EightiesChickOrTreat · 02/11/2011 08:44

I would definitely reinstate the night out straight away. Sounds like you need to indulge yourself a bit more or you are set for more resentment every time he spends anything on himself. I am of the school of thought that saving/economising has to have some elasticity for treats or everyone goes mad and suddenly runs out to spend £500 on a pair of shoes just to break out. Perhaps that's how your DH has reacted - not saying it's right for him to spend £200 twice on himself, and he should certainly be giving your DC priority, but I can see how it would be an psychological reaction. He does need to be more mature in his control of it in future though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/11/2011 08:45

Fair enough OP, but then you'll just have to put up with it when posters tell you that they think you're being unresonable too. I think your posts are really quite arsey on this thread.

But I expect I'll agree wholeheartedly with you on another one...

EightiesChickOrTreat · 02/11/2011 08:45

OK, well if he buys things most months for himself and you / the DC don't get to, then that's different to a one-off splurge. You need to have The Talk about household finances then. Still rearrange your night out asap, too.

Catsmamma · 02/11/2011 08:50

You are being a terrible martyr because you apparently spend no money on yourself.

If the money is there then why not spend it? so YABVU

However if he has spent the bill money then YANBU

So which is it???

Iodine · 02/11/2011 08:56

I don't think YABU op. You've made sacrafices as you've agreed to save and he has gone out with this money and bought himself some clothes (£190 is a lot but could've been necessary) and an iphone (I'm sure that wasn't vital).

I have a partner who also spends money on silly things so I keep my savings separate from his. He pays me a set amount each month to go into my account knowing that if he had it he would fritter it away, and if I have it I will put it towards a nice holiday for us :)

AnonWasAWoman · 02/11/2011 08:56

I don't understand the 'call his bluff' posts.

If you are hard up or trying to save, spending 400 pounds in a few days is stupid.

Personally, I don't discuss everything with my DH, not because I'm hiding things but because sometimes he's not there when I'm buying something and I tell him when it's done. Both of us occasionally get it wrong - I suspect we're in a similar situation to you, where if he spent an unexpected 200 pounds I would know where to get the money to cover it, but it would be a pain and, frankly, it'd be one of those nasty 'heart gives a lurch' moments when I wonder if we'll be ok until pay comes through.

How did you and your DH agree to the savings plan? Was it his idea, yours, a mixture? Is he actually feeling he does not want to save and it's not the right time? If so, you need to discuss it together. Or does he feel a bit entitled because he's full time - you seem to be suggesting so? If so, again, talk to him - IMO in a marriage you don't expect proportional spending money according to what you earn.

It sounds as if you got a very glib response from him, and neither of you really stopped to discuss this as an issue?

Iodine · 02/11/2011 08:57

And ignore the people who are saying "if the money's there, spend it!". That's really not the attitude to have if you're trying to save!

Ciske · 02/11/2011 09:02

You need to agree the amount you will save up ach month, and put that away on the first day of the month, not hope it's still there after 4 weeks.

Then agree an amount for personal spending, divide by two, and then you can both spend that as you see fit without resentment. One month you might spend it all, the next save it up for something bigger for yourself.

Of course children will have their own budget.

I think the resentment exists because you both have different views on what amount you want to save and the kind of sacrifices that need to come with that.

WibblyBibble · 02/11/2011 09:04

YANBU. How the hell does anyone spend that much on clothes anyway?