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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be very annoyed that DH has spent the best part of £200 on himself TWICE in a month?

75 replies

Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 08:05

Am I?

First one was a couple of weeks ago when he came home from work with bagfuls of clothes he's got himself when he'd popped to a shopping centre after work. Total £190. Then yesterday he announced that he had taken out a new phone contract, with a new iphone, "ONLY £170 for the iphone".

I am cross because a) he did both those things with no consultation with me or no thought about can we afford it b) we have agreed to save at the moment, c) we have three kids that really need to take priority and d) I never, ever ever get to so spend amounts like that on myself. If I just went into town and spent £200 on clothes he would be livid. Technically yes, we can afford for him to spend that, but it means nothing new for me or the kids this month now at all. We all live in Primark things and things from Ebay or from George at Asda. I queried it with him last night and he said "well you go out today and spend £400 on yourself then" but I can't/wouldn't do that as we have bills to pay, food to buy, Christmas around the corner etc. I cancelled a night out last Friday with friends as I felt it would be too expensive.

It shouldn't make any difference, as it's all "our" money, but he works full time, I work very part time.

OP posts:

Catsmamma · 02/11/2011 12:28

Swanky, it's not difficult to understand that he has spent £400

What is difficult to understand is why you are being such a martyr about it

and why he seems not to care if you all have no money for the rest of the month

I cannot decide if you are being plain jealous or upset....and whether the upset is justified or not.

Original poster

Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 12:31

Oh well Catsmamma I give up explaining it to you as you are deliberately being obtuse and downright catty it seems. I'm not interested in your opinion of my character.

Thanks to those that replied constructively and not cattily. I am STILL very annoyed with DH, and will be treating myself later today or tomorrow.

OP posts:

Catsmamma · 02/11/2011 12:34

but what with?....you will be spending money you don't have surely.

Original poster

Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 12:35

Oh get lost, Catsmamma, I won't be replying to you again. You don't sound like a very nice person, you are very passive aggressive and judgmental. I have nothing left to say to you and will be conversing with those that offer intelligent, constructive advice rather that someone who is deliberately trying to cause an argument.

OP posts:

AnonWasAWoman · 02/11/2011 12:36

What SGVB said - great post.

I think you need to have it out with him properly about what his attitude is. Does he honestly value your work (including childcare etc.) as work? He really does need to.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/11/2011 12:37

I find myself bemused by Catsmama wondering whether upset is justified by being left with no money for the rest of the month.

Original poster

Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 12:40

Anon, nope I don't think he does value my work. Or me. Hence he'd rather I went round in Primark and Ebay clothes whilst he goes to GAP, River Island etc. And that I had a crap old phone whilst he has his 3rd Iphone.

OP posts:

AnonWasAWoman · 02/11/2011 12:42

All the people who throw the term 'martyr' about are possibly thinking that the OP has more income than she does?

Just because the DH spent 400 quid, and just because she mentions 'savings', doesn't mean they actually have a lot of money. The suggestion that anyone can 'easily' spend 190 quid, or that a 15 pound top is good for you, is actually a bit irritating when you're genuinely worrying how you would pay if the car broke down, or if the gas bill came to more than you expected. If my DH went off and spent 400 quid, yes, he could do it. But we have no more money coming in and by January we would be seriously worried/borrowing to the limits of a credit card. Just having the money in the account doesn't mean you can afford to spend it.

academyblues · 02/11/2011 12:42

Well, you and he need to have a few long conversations then, because these clothes and the phone are just symptoms of deeper rooted difficulties.

AnonWasAWoman · 02/11/2011 12:45

Cross posted with you swanky.

That sounds to me like the first problem you have to solve. Is it something you've ever sat down and discussed? It's not uncommon, there are loads of threads by people saying their partners don't realize that what they do is work, or don't value their work (sad, but it is true). What is good is that there are also people whose partners have listened and changed - and who got a real shock when they thought about how much money childcare/housekeeping would cost them if paid for.

What's your plan, do you think?

Oblomov · 02/11/2011 12:57

academy said what I said, that there are deeper issues here thta need to be dealt with.
Anon, no I did not use the word martyr in that way.Op does come across a bit martyr'ish. She seesm to be proud that she never spends a penny on clothes for herself, and that she cancelled an evening out. But that is not a situation to be congratulated, really, is it?
She does deserve clothes. and she does deserve to go out.
She should tell her dh off for his selfish spending. and pin him down to agree to savings, and set up a dd. But she should also spend a tiny amount on herself ASWELL.
All this:My husband spends millions. But I haven't spent a penny on myslef in 30 years. No clothes, no wine, no nothing.
And we all think, errr, I'm sorry but more fool you then, don't we ?

Oblomov · 02/11/2011 12:59

OP's latest post re e-bay clothes v gap, old phone, and him not valueing her or her job, or what she does.

NOW WE'RE GETTING DOWN TO THE NITTY GRITTY.

AnonWasAWoman · 02/11/2011 13:03

oblomov - fair enough, I just thought it was worth asking the question. TBH I don't think it's helpful to say she's being martyrish (and she didn't seem to expected to be congratulated about it). I think if her DH were genuinely saying 'oh yes, love, feel free to spend 400 on yourself, we have plenty', then yes, the OP would come across that way. But she's explained quite clearly that they really don't have the money, and he doesn't really expect her to spend it, nor is he prepared for what would happen if she did.

I could agree she should have gone out and spent the money years ago, but that's missing the point: the point is her DH not respecting her work, and the lack of communication about money and priorities between tehm.

That's how I see it anyway.

EightiesChickOrTreat · 02/11/2011 13:11

I think it's taken a while to get to the heart of this. It was really not completely clear early in the thread if this was a one-off or if it was as the result of genuine miscommunication / misunderstanding about the need for /goals of saving. I think replies would probably have been different if the thread title had been 'to be annoyed that DH regularly spends loads on himself while me and the DC make do and mend'. That shows a different and much more worrying problem. Sorry, OP. This really needs a crunch-time talk.

HowlingBitch · 02/11/2011 13:24

I don't think this should really be about the amount of money spent or what it was spent on it's about the fact that there was no discussion about it.

In this house we don't have a certain amount of spending money if we need something new that is expensive then we talk about it (we don't ASK eachothers permission) we just communicate.

Last month DP needed a new Macbook pro for work. He could of had any old laptop but he had wanted this for a while so we sat down and worked out the how much it would cost (The guts of a grand) which is alot of money to us but we made it work. I know that if I needed the same next month he wouldn't have a problem making it work either.

Just have a word with him about big purchases being discussed before hand so that you can work them into the monthly budget. Don't go putting yourself into debt to make a point because you will also suffer for it in the long run.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 02/11/2011 13:34

I think a lot of blokes (where they are the main earners of the household) still really see it as their money and are a bit grudging about restrictions on their spending. My stxdh certainly falls into this category - he wanted to be able to buy what he wanted when he wanted it and expected the rest of us to be quite thrifty. Now we are separated this has become much more obvious. (New phone, holiday, meals out, expensive hotels, new watch...it's still actually our money!)
You just need to have a proper discussion about what is happening with money, spending and saving-wise.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 02/11/2011 13:39

No, HowlingBitch, that's not the issue.
When the OP tried to discuss her DH's purchases he just got annoyed. He doesn't feel he needs to discuss the spending of "his" money with anyone.
"I don't think he does value my work. Or me. Hence he'd rather I went round in Primark and Ebay clothes whilst he goes to GAP, River Island etc. And that I had a crap old phone whilst he has his 3rd Iphone."
The issue is his sense of entitlement and making his DW and DCs go without or settle for second-best while he gets whatever he wants whenever he wants it.

HowlingBitch · 02/11/2011 13:52

Sorry but I think that's going abit OTT.

mercibucket · 02/11/2011 14:03

the whole thing would be doing my head in so yanbu but while it's not fair for you to be cast in the 'sensible' role while he gets to play the 'devil may care' role (which is a lot more fun) it's perhaps roles you've built together - a few 'big talks' needed. get him to pay all the bills from now on?

dreamingbohemian · 02/11/2011 14:17

Has your DH actually said he wants you to go around in Primark while he gets to wear Gap? Or is this something you're assuming, because you are being more responsible with money?

Tbf if he is working a very professional job, he needs decent clothes, not Primark. If you feel like you and the kids need better clothes then you should talk and work out a clothing budget.

I think the bigger problem here is that a lot of emotional issues are being attached to consumer purchases. Set up the 3 accounts as suggested, then you can completely detach yourself from whatever he buys.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 02/11/2011 14:18

There have been quite a lot of threads before about men who like their clothes to be expensive and good quality - and in some cases like the DC's clothes to be the same but expect their wives to wear cheap second hand clothing and spend nothing on themselves. It is very often an indication of serious problems in a marriage when the man is dressed far more expensively than the woman - it generally shows that he considers her a servant, a domestic appliance, someone not deserving of status or consideration.

cat64 · 02/11/2011 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dreamingbohemian · 02/11/2011 14:31

Yes but that's why I asked whether her DH has ever actually said that's what he expects. Because the other scenario is that the DH buys his own clothes and doesn't really pay attention to what his wife is buying, while she is being sensible and buying cheaper clothes and feeling resentful about it.

If my DH ever got a very professional job where he needed to dress nicely, I would not be bothered or read anything sinister into it if he bought nicer clothes. I don't need expensive clothes to work at home or take care of DS.

That's why I think this isn't really about the clothes, and why all the emotional issues need to be separated from the financial ones.

Maybe the DH is a jerk who doesn't value his wife, or maybe he's just clueless with money. It's hard to say without knowing what he does, what their finances are really like, what his justifications are, etc.

Insomnia11 · 02/11/2011 14:36

My husband regularly burns a hole in £200 a month.

It's called "smoking 20 cigarettes a day". Grrr.

sabrinathemiddleagedwitch · 02/11/2011 14:44

Plenty of people spend £200 a month in a drip drip fashion on coffee, fags and magazines and get all arsey if their DP spends £200 on something tangible. Its impossible to tell who is BU without hearing both sides and actually accounting for all spends. Possibly the DH needs decent clothes for work, possibly the DW could buy better clothes for herself without the DH batting an eyelid but is held back by her own thriftiness, possibly the DH is similarly infuriated by the DWs purchases on things she prioritises, possibly the DH has really reigned in his spending on crap because he wanted to save for a new phone. Op and her DH are both unreasonable for not putting their savings in a proper savings account and not thrashing out a reasonable budget for personal fripperies.

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