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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very annoyed that DH has spent the best part of £200 on himself TWICE in a month?

75 replies

Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 08:05

Am I?

First one was a couple of weeks ago when he came home from work with bagfuls of clothes he's got himself when he'd popped to a shopping centre after work. Total £190. Then yesterday he announced that he had taken out a new phone contract, with a new iphone, "ONLY £170 for the iphone".

I am cross because a) he did both those things with no consultation with me or no thought about can we afford it b) we have agreed to save at the moment, c) we have three kids that really need to take priority and d) I never, ever ever get to so spend amounts like that on myself. If I just went into town and spent £200 on clothes he would be livid. Technically yes, we can afford for him to spend that, but it means nothing new for me or the kids this month now at all. We all live in Primark things and things from Ebay or from George at Asda. I queried it with him last night and he said "well you go out today and spend £400 on yourself then" but I can't/wouldn't do that as we have bills to pay, food to buy, Christmas around the corner etc. I cancelled a night out last Friday with friends as I felt it would be too expensive.

It shouldn't make any difference, as it's all "our" money, but he works full time, I work very part time.

OP posts:
Trills · 02/11/2011 09:05

The only fair way to deal with money if you have children.

You need 3 bank accounts (minimum)

1: Joint account, pays for housing, bills, food, child-related and house-related costs. You both agree what needs to go in there to cover these costs.

2&3: Individual accounts, one for you and one for your partner, for your "spending money". Each gets the same amount of money going in. You can do whatever you like with this without consulting the other.

(optional)4: Savings account. Both have access, both agree how much goes in, and both must agree before spending anything from it. Whatever money that goes into here, you should still make sure that your spending accounts (2&3) get equal amounts to spend.

TotemPole · 02/11/2011 09:08

I can understand you being annoyed after you've agreed to save.

But he has said, go spend £400 yourself. I'm in the 'call his bluff' camp.

You don't have to go mad and spend for the sake of it, just go out one afternoon and buy yourself and the kids what you would have over a few months. Get a few things from Next & Gap rather than primark.

TotemPole · 02/11/2011 09:15

I agree with Trills about reorganising the bank accounts. I was going to post something similar.

If money is for savings it shouldn't be available to spend.

sabrinathemiddleagedwitch · 02/11/2011 09:30

If you are saving then that money should go into a savings account, not just lie about in a joint account while one person unreasonably martyrs themselves and the other fritters it away. You need access to your own spending money.

Original poster
Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 09:48

catsmamma I don't know why it's so difficult for you to understand. He has spent ALL our disposable income. There is NOT £400 in the bank for me to spend. If I spent it we would NOT be able to pay our bills

OP posts:
Adversecamber · 02/11/2011 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuickLookBusy · 02/11/2011 09:53

Is this the first time he has done this or is it a regular thing?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 02/11/2011 10:18

He earned it, he can spend it on whatever he likes, up to and including a troupe of dancing crackwhores to feed him peeled grapes from between their buttocks if he so chooses. Which doesn't mean you're wrong to be upset, and to want to discuss it with him, but in the end, it's his money. If he would rather be dressed in expensive clothes while his kids wear cheap stuff, then that's up to him. I guess you get the moral highground and can say "well mummy/you can't have XYZ this month darling because mummy paid X bill and daddy spent the rest on his new pants so we have no money left" at every opportunity, but there's not a lot else you can do, the money is gone.
It does make him sound a bit selfish and not a very responsible person if he's spent every penny on himself but it could be worse, he could have spent every penny on himself so there was no food or bill money, and he could have spent it on drink, drugs, gamblling or whores.

Bramshott · 02/11/2011 10:24

I'm afraid I'd be tempted to be very passive-agressive and withdraw £400 in cash and stash it away somewhere, then leave him to deal with the fallout Grin

NellyMelba · 02/11/2011 10:35

I'm afraid I'd be tempted to be very passive-agressive and withdraw £400 in cash and stash it away somewhere, then leave him to deal with the fallout

thats what i would do too and then say i had booked a holiday or sommat

Ephiny · 02/11/2011 10:44

It's not fair if he has as much disposable income as he wants, and you have none. I don't agree completely with the 'he earned it, he can spend it how he likes' argument, because he's not a single man or in a relationship with separate finances. You're a family and he needs to take some responsibility for family and household expenses, he can't just spend whatever he likes without any thought for how it affects the rest of the family.

I agree you need to sit down together and work out your budget, how much you need for essentials like bills, children's clothes etc each month, how much you want to save, and then what's left is disposable income, to be shared (either equally or proportionately, however you think is fair) between you.

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 02/11/2011 10:48

Yeah, me too. I'd withdraw £400 in cash and put it in my own account. Then I'd dump the electricity bill in his lap and tell him to deal with it.

Seriously, though, the issue seems to be that whatever you think you've agreed re discretionary spend, he hasn't signed up to it. I agree with the other posters who say that if you agree to save, first you need to define the amount, then that money needs to go into a separate account on payday. Then you pay the bills, then you can spend what's left between you.

TotemPole · 02/11/2011 10:49

He has spent ALL our disposable income. There is NOT £400 in the bank for me to spend. If I spent it we would NOT be able to pay our bills

Is that all just for this month, or does that include what you'd both saved so far?

dreamingbohemian · 02/11/2011 10:57

What are you saving up for?

I think for a lot of people it's easier to sacrifice and save if it's for something, like a deposit or a holiday. Is your DH not really on board with the saving -- not think it's necessary?

AnonWasAWoman · 02/11/2011 11:01

The 'he earned it he spends it' argument is bollocks, plain and simple.

You work (for pay) part time. You also have children and a house. Who does the childcare and housework? Is it by any chance mostly you?

If so, then he would need to pay for a nanny and housekeeper if you were not doing it, wouldn't he?

kitsmummy · 02/11/2011 11:07

I am absolutely gobsmacked by the number of people on here who are saying it's his money, you're lucky he didn't spend it on prossies, spend £400 yourself to get back at him etc etc. He's clearly been a complete bell-end and a selfish pig. You do need to set up the multiple bank account thing as Trills suggest and make sure you have equal money. He sounds like a spoilt child who is very entitled.

Ephiny · 02/11/2011 11:09

I do agree it could be worse, e.g. if he was getting you into debt or you couldn't pay the bills. But that doesn't mean it's OK!

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 02/11/2011 11:28

YANBU.
So did you point out that he's now spent all the family's disposable income on goodies for himself, and if so, what did he say?
How is he "trying to save"?

Oblomov · 02/11/2011 12:00

You seem to enjoy being such a martyr: I cancelled the night out - err why ?
I never buy any clothes for myself. or rarely. errr why ?
Everyone needs a treat. a glass of wine with a friend. An occassional £15 top, can make you feel fab. why are you such a martyr?

I can understand how a man , can very very easily spend £190. I went shopping with dh the other day, who rarely finds clothes he likes, couple of shirts and a pair of trousers later, mens clothes adds up very quickly. He ended up buying none of them, but ...and I'm not talking designer boutique, I'm talking Debenhams and John Lewis !!

Do yourself a favour and sit down with your dh and talk about the core problems here, instead of skirting round the issues.
And then agree to see up a DD from your main account into the savings account of £XXX , the day after pay day, as another poster suggested.

Original poster
Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 12:07

PomBear, your post is beyond belief. HIS money? Up to HIM if the kids and I wear cheap clothes and he wears expensive ones? Unbelievable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Swankyswishing · 02/11/2011 12:08

Anon, yes, I do the majority of childcare and all of the housework.

OP posts:
DunRovin · 02/11/2011 12:16

Did he need these clothes to keep his work wardrobe up to scratch?

It does sound as if he is budgetting without refernce to the wider family picture, and that is frustrating, but you need to sit down and agree a way of spending that looks after everyone's necessities and interests.

I spend far more on clothes when I am working than when I am at home.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/11/2011 12:20

Swanky, Trills suggestion of rearranging the bank accounts (made Wed 02-Nov-11 09:05:14) would be a good start - it's pretty much how we operate, so that any personal purchases myself or DH make has no effect whatsoever on our household finances.

Would I be right in thinking that you are the one who attend to the finances; the budgeting and the paying of bills? Could he be too out of touch with the normal flows and balance of household monies?

Also, you spoke of saving up - is it for something very specific, so that not saving delays something; or is it just generalised saving, which he might feel less urgency for, regardless of any agreement you had?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 02/11/2011 12:25

It sounds to me like this man considers all the disposable income in the family to belong to him, because he earns the bulk of the money.
This is not, in fact, remotely fair. He is in a position to earn that much money because the OP is doing all the domestic work (oh, and earning money herself, only by the sound of it her earnings go into the shared pot...)

Swanky: it sounds like you need to agree a household budget that gives both of you an equal amount of disposable income - and that means disposable income, don't fall into the trap I have seen with other MNers where the woman's disposable income also has to cover the DCs' clothing, treats, school dinners, school trips etc, while the man gets to spend all his share on himself.
But it is important (particularly when times are hard) to budget for treats ahead of saving-for-the-sake-of-it.

Moominsarescary · 02/11/2011 12:28

I do think he is being unresonable to spend all your disposable income for the month on himself especially so close to Christmas. Do you have much in savings? If so id take £400 out of there, if not id wait till after christmas and take £400 for yourself. If you do this he will probably think twice before he does this again.

As for its his money he can spend it on what he likes wtf year are you people living in? 1920 or something where the big man works and spends all his money on whatever he wants and the little wife stays at home worrying how she will feed the kids

Ffs do drag yourselfs into 2011

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