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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 3 weeks post-birth relatives can come and visit me, not the other way round?

78 replies

feelingratheroverwhelmed · 01/11/2011 14:30

That's it really. They are nearly an hour away. All other things are equal (transport, we all have older children etc). I had a section, i've still got afterpains and I'm knackered.

So, if they want to see the new bub (and I am welcoming visitors) then they can come to us, and not be annoyed if I don't yet feel like a trip to theirs?

OP posts:
jandanaligazan · 02/11/2011 11:55

I totally agree with you. I think there is far too much pressure on us all to get back to normal and act as if nothing has just happened.

I was reading about the lovely customs in Malaysia where women are expected to put their feet up for a month after birth, and are massaged daily by their midwife and cared for by their families during this time. Wouldn't that be lovely?

pregnancyandchildbirtharoundtheworld.blogspot.com/2011/10/getting-flat-stomach-after-birth.html

Planetofthegrapes · 02/11/2011 12:27

Mijas - I'm guessing that it was your idea for your DW to walk two miles up a hill to the hospital - too mean to pay for a taxi or back the car out of the garage right.

And four weeks out and about all the time, bet your DW wishes you would sod off back to work leave her in peace in her pjs.

Minus273 · 02/11/2011 12:35

You are right mijas I may be fine. The key part of that sentence is may be. You wife is very lucky to be keeping so well, some women have haemorraghing and infections to deal with that makes them very unwell. My reluctance to plan is the not knowing what state I will be in. I still have clear memories of trying to walk to the GP and back (4miles each way) when dd was 10 days old. I had to stop and sit on the ground half way home as I was so anaemic I couldn't catch my breath.

NinkyNonker · 02/11/2011 12:40

Mijas I won't sicken bore you with the details of why I felt crap for a fair while after my 'vaginal birth', but needless to say I can only assume you ae being tongue in cheek. As I have said to DH many times, next time it is your turn eh? We went out every day, for a little walk or to the shops as I would have got cabin fever otherwise, but there should be no expectation on anyone to do so.

OrmIrian · 02/11/2011 12:45

Don't worry about it. Just don't go. It's up to them if they want to be offended. But do you really think they will?

mijas99 · 02/11/2011 12:52

I only posted because I thought we were being "normal" but it seems like you guys on here prefer to stay at home, which was a reality check

No problem in that, people should just do want they want; mum, dad and baby. The rest are less important

And no I dont demand my wife should do these things, what centrury are we in? :)

Minus273 · 02/11/2011 12:56

To be perfectly honest mijas when it comes to babies and child birth there really is no normal. There are so many variations. Its hard to predict, even the same mother there is no guarantee any two births will be the same.

sozzledchops · 02/11/2011 13:00

Mijas, everyone is different and every birth is different. With my first EMCS i actually bounced back quite quickly though the walk into town on day five for the Debenham's sale was a bit ambitious and i did pay for that on the way home. I found it harder with my second vaginal birth. The stitches were bloody painful keeping me awake crying at night as well. I remember walking 'again' into town on my own with the baby and on the way back going at a snails pace, wincing all the way holding in the tears because of the pain I was in.

NinkyNonker · 02/11/2011 13:04

I have to do it all again soon. Sob. Fingers crossed etc. Grin

Planetofthegrapes · 02/11/2011 13:04

Mijas - I was a bit rude...sorry.

It just brings back memories of when my DC was born, and my OH being an arse with his ideas - when he was home I had to feed baby on the leather sofa otherwise he got upset, when he was out I fed and cuddled baby in bed!

Minus273 · 02/11/2011 13:05

Me too ninkynonk I'm getting nervous and excited.

coastgirl · 02/11/2011 13:07

I think it's a bit unfair to slate Mijas - I walked to our local children's centre with DH when DS was four days old. It's a mile away and yes, up a hill, and I was absolutely fine, just a little slow! It didn't make me bleed more and I enjoyed getting out in the sun. I didn't see the point in sitting in wearing my PJs when getting dressed and out made me feel so much better. All we did was go to the BF group, have a cup of tea and a chat and come home, but it felt brilliant to be out.

OrmIrian · 02/11/2011 13:18

mijas - I was the same as your wife. I was about and about the same day with all of them but not everyone is like that.

mijas99 · 02/11/2011 13:24

Thanks everyone, an eye opener

sozzledchops · 02/11/2011 13:32

I didn't want to stay at home, I loved getting out especially as both babies were summer babies. I was just a little ambitious at times and paid for it later.

4madboys · 02/11/2011 13:35

i think there is a difference tho between getting out, which did after mine and going away and staying overnight somewhere other than home, which i did with ds1 but didnt do wiht the others till they were 2mths+ purely because i like the comforts of my own home and my own bed and travelling with a baby, toddler etc can be difficult. sleep is imp when you have a newborn and i do that best in my own bed, and if i had a crap night i could stay in bed in the morning with baby whilst dp looked after the elder ones, you cant do that at someone elses house generally.

sozzledchops · 02/11/2011 13:47

we all deal with it differently I guess, as i said I did do a 400 mile trip with no 1 a few weeks after the birth and it was hard but I needed to see my family and have them see the baby. I also took both babies abroad on holiday at 2 months and 3 months and i've also had friends who have done the month long chinese confinement thing which sounded horrible TBH.

Laquitar · 02/11/2011 13:55

'mum, dad and baby'

I think its up to mum only, not dad and baby Grin]

Rhubarbgarden · 02/11/2011 13:59

Yes to be fair to Mijas, I was another one who was up on my feet out and about very quickly. In fact I walked home from hospital 5 hours after the birth itself - I couldn't sit down without squealing in pain so the prospect of sitting in a car with dh's erratic driving skills bouncing over speed humps was far worse than a slow amble on foot using the new pram like a zimmer. The midwives were fine about it, they just said 'well if you feel up to it, go for it'. I think that's the key - what you feel up to.

mijas99 · 02/11/2011 14:02

Our house is a democracy Laquitar, every voice counts!

And like the UN assembly, the founding members have right to veto Wink

sozzledchops · 02/11/2011 14:06

thing is IME the midwives just want you out of the hospital ASAP, whether it's best for you or not. They were asking me on day 3 after an EMCS if I was ready to go yet. Saying that, i found the after care in hospital so dire that I did want out as soon as possible. Strange that back 20 yrs ago and more they preferred to keep you in for a week to rest even with straightforward births.

Minus273 · 02/11/2011 16:45

sozzled, I'd quite happily go home almost instantly. The terror that is the post natal ward is not a rest. Feels much safer at home.

I wouldn't worry about being normal mijas everything from being up and doing everything normally within hours to being ill for a few weeks is normal. Personally I am just scared to commit (finacially as well) to a long trip before I know where on that scale I will lie.

AhCheeses · 02/11/2011 17:19

I was a bit of both with DS.
I was out walking very slowly after 2 days, couldn't stay in and lay in bed, its just not me.
We travelled 300miles to see family when DS was 6 weeks old, stayed at my mums so it wasn't too bad but the drive there was awful. I will not be doing it this time with DS2 (due in 2weeks!). I wish we hadn't done it with DS tbh but I knew none of our family would travel down to see us so we went up there.
But, I point blank refused to take DS to Cyprus to see MIL, and she 'couldn't' fly over here on her own to see her first born grandchild so he was 4months old before she got to see him when she finally gave in and flew over on her own Hmm
She fell out with us, wouldn't speak to us for a couple of months because we were being selfish... Hmm

Walking around town at your own pace or travelling in a car half an hour down the road just isn't the same as travelling around the country or abroad just after giving birth.
One I did regularly, one I did but wished I hadn't, the other I wouldn't dream of doing... each to their own though...

OP YANBU, if you don't feel up to it, don't do it, you shouldn't be expected to do anything you don't feel ready for.

Original poster
feelingratheroverwhelmed · 02/11/2011 17:45

Mijas I'm more than happy to go out for an amble. I was desperate to get out of the house four days after the birth, the day after I was discharged. I didn't just because I was waiting for a no-show midwife. It still surprises me though how much little things take it out of me. Yesterday I was out for a couple of hours pootling round with DS in the pram. When we got back I was SHATTERED! I've just got back from a wander round town, but I need a good sit down now.

TBH I don't feel as though I've had major surgery, and I'm sure I'd feel worse if I'd had a VB with a tear and stitches in my nether regions rather than in my tum. But, I'm super-hormonal, completely exhausted (I had a fairly big blood transfusion too), and just feel as though I'm having a horrid continuous period.

I'm really heartened that by far the majority view here is do what you feel is right for you, and of course you shouldn't be doing x y and z. I just wanted to check that my response to the relatives of "well actually I just don't feel like it yet, sorry", was reasonable, especially as all other things are equal so they are perfectly capable (and welcome) to come here. It's nice being right!

OP posts:
AhCheeses · 02/11/2011 18:16

Its not even whats the right thing or the wrong thing, its about what you feel capable of right now.
If you don't feel up to travelling and sitting in someone elses house after a csection then you shouldn't be made to feel bad about it!