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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think 3 weeks post-birth relatives can come and visit me, not the other way round?

78 replies

feelingratheroverwhelmed · 01/11/2011 14:30

That's it really. They are nearly an hour away. All other things are equal (transport, we all have older children etc). I had a section, i've still got afterpains and I'm knackered.

So, if they want to see the new bub (and I am welcoming visitors) then they can come to us, and not be annoyed if I don't yet feel like a trip to theirs?

OP posts:

meglet · 01/11/2011 22:07

yanbu.

Stay at home in your pj's (as much as you can) and recover. It never fails to amaze me that people forget a c-section is a major operation, not a time to go galavanting off to see relatives!

VivClicquot · 01/11/2011 22:09

YANBU. Six DAYS after I had a cs with DD, my BIL phoned DH to tell him their mum was really upset that we'd not driven down to their house with the baby. She'd visited us in hospital on day one and then again at home on day three, so it's not as if she hadn't met the baby yet. DH told his brother to fuck off, obv.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 01/11/2011 22:14

Stay at home, post section is not the time to go galavanting. Even if you feel ok it will take it out of you.

Are you sure there really is a problem and that it isn't just crossed wires? Is it your family or DH's? Just make sure everyone knows that your door is open if they want to visit.

cjbartlett · 01/11/2011 22:29

minus273
what distance is it?
I'd tell your dh a firm no! Can't they come to you?

Minus273 · 01/11/2011 22:30

Its just over 300miles cj.

cjbartlett · 01/11/2011 22:47

I was thinking overseas as you said book tickets?
Anyway say no!

Minus273 · 01/11/2011 22:48

Tickets for the train, he is being kind by not asking me to drive .

my2centsis · 02/11/2011 00:23

YANBU some people have a nerve lol

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 02/11/2011 00:24

Minus he has no idea. That is a daft idea. If you end up with a section, or stitches then you cannot go that far on a train. Tell him no.
Can they come to you?

cherrysodalover · 02/11/2011 03:33

YANBU They come to you.
However having said that I was amazed a friend was at the park this weekend at a b day party, 4 days after giving birth( vaginal) with her older son. Baby at home with mum and expressed milk in bottle.I could not help but be somehow impressed with her relaxed attitude. Cool as anything about it- so i think some people are more laid back post birth especially if they have not had surgery.

CheshireDing · 02/11/2011 04:14

Gosh Cherry your friend was very relaxed her first, my PFB is 4 weeks old and she only gets left with DH nobody else is having my scrummy baby just yet!

OP you are not BU, they come to you or wait. Our friend has just had a baby and I really wanted to visit but it's too far (90 mins) for our DD in the car seat at 4 weeks we thin so DH had to go on his own for now.

Also please make sure you put a 2 hour time limit on their visit.

Original poster

feelingratheroverwhelmed · 02/11/2011 08:51

Wow cherry! It's not the being in the park that amazes me, it's that she was relaxed enough to leave a NB after 4 days! Even with number 2 bub I couldn't do that!
Minus tell your DH a very firm NO! I've found that my DH, although lovely and very helpful, really doesn't fully understand how having a baby affects you. I probably look ok, and don't feel that bad if I'm not doing much. But, a relatively short walk outdoors does me in (and I like to get out everyday). Even I forget sometimes that I've had major surgery. I know that having a baby is a "normal" thing to do, but that doesn't mean we are able to get back to normal straight awasy. We need to be given a very large break!

OP posts:

WibblyBibble · 02/11/2011 08:59

YANBU. My family are like this though, basically they are selfish wankers who whine about 'not seeing the grandchildren' enough and yet don't bloody bother visiting, expecting me to drag a toddler 8 hours on the train.

mijas99 · 02/11/2011 10:31

I'm amazed by this thread. Our little boy is 4 weeks old and we go out every other day - and have been since the first week. We go see family, go for walks, to the park, restaurants. DS is much more relaxed out than at home and loves meeting people. The wife and I walked 2 miles up a hill to go to the hospital on the 3rd day to get the heal prick test done, and felt better for it.

Saying that, of course it is up to you. And if you dont feel up to it then dont do it, but if you had a vaginal birth than what is the problem?

MrsBloomingTroll · 02/11/2011 11:13

mijas, even with a vaginal birth, different people have different experiences. Personally I tore quite badly with DC1 and with DC2 have had various issues which make it uncomfortable walking/standing up for too long.

I have been out and about, but given a choice I would much rather just hibernate at home, where I know I can sit down as much as I like and be comfortable, without having to ask or explain.

Is your DW breastfeeding, I wonder? That also makes a difference.

MrsBloomingTroll · 02/11/2011 11:16

P.S. mijas are you brave or foolish coming on to an AIBU thread on this subject and commenting? Can't make my mind up.

Am sure someone will be more than happy to tear you a vagina if you'd like to know what it feels like

Laquitar · 02/11/2011 11:24

Some women prefer to get out of the house and visit others. Maybe your family thinks that?

You don't - and you had a cs. YANBU. Just explain to them, maybe they mean well.

Laquitar · 02/11/2011 11:27

mijas Your 4 wks old loves meeting people?

ChaoticAngel · 02/11/2011 11:30

mijas The wife???

I've had two totally different experiences of labour and how I felt afterwards. With my DD I could have done what you and your DW did wrt walks etc, with my DS absolutely no way.

sozzledchops · 02/11/2011 11:30

went with Dc1 400 miles to see family after EMCS when he was about 2 wks old. it was very stressful but i wanted my family to see the baby when he was little and most of them never visit. We chose to move away so we have to do most of the running. It's not ideal and of course you should do what suits you and what you feel capable of doing.

karlaj77 · 02/11/2011 11:35

YANBU but be careful what you wish for, my brother brought mum and sil to my house when ds was 2 weeks old, they just sat staring at me waiting for me to entertain them and asked why the kettle was not on!!! made them a cuppa, thought that was supposed to be the other way round - or is that just me?

wheelshavefallenoffthebus · 02/11/2011 11:41

YANBU. you have had major abdominal surgery!
I was out and about quite quick this time (Dd is 4 weeks old) but she is my second and I had a fairly straightforward vaginal birth with few stitches. Plus had been in hospital a while before giving birth so was desperate to get out. With my PFB I'd had forceps and an episiotomy and didn't get out if the house properly for nearly 6 weeks. Plus needed that time to work out how to breastfeed and to survive with little sleep.
New mums should do what they feel is best for them and their newborn. Family should understand and come to you (I second the advice about a time limit, some people don't know when to leave )

4madboys · 02/11/2011 11:46

YANBU at all, regardless of a c-section or a vaginal birth the first weeks after having a baby arent the time to be going visitng all over the country, fine if you feel up to it, but man do not and many like to stay at home or close to home and their home comforts.

i was out and about at toddlers groups, visiing friends, shopping etc withing a few days, when dd was 3 days old i took her to see our eldest son in a school xmas concert last year, she was the star of the show everyone thought it was so lovely she was there and was so amazed i was up and about, but she is my 5th and i have just got on with stuff after each one, when you have elder children you have to to a certain extent. BUT i woudlnt go off visiting and staying at other places, i like the comforts at home to feel cmofortable bfeeding and sleep in my bed with my baby.

when ds1 was tiny we went away twice in the first 3 wks to visit relatives, and stayed for a weekend both time, i look back and think why the fuck did we do that?!!

ReshapeWhileDamp · 02/11/2011 11:49

There's such a bloody cult of 'getting back to normal' within hours of giving birth, these days. Mijas, my MW would have been appalled that a 3 days post-partum woman was walking up a hill, for whatever reason. I wonder if her post-partum bleeding became heavier after that? A woman's body goes through its most testing time during pregnancy and labour. Why on earth wouldn't you want a decent rest-up afterwards?

My MW pretty much made me stay upstairs in bed for several days afterwards with our second baby. I think it made all the difference in terms of physical recovery. Your tears, muscle aches, bleeding and general well-being all benefit from rest, not getting up and about as soon as possible.

OP, only you know whether you and the new baby are up to an hour in the car 4 weeks after a major operation. If you're not, then say so. If they desperately want to see the baby, then they can travel, or wait.

4madboys · 02/11/2011 11:54

yes they tell you not to do too much walking etc early post partum becuase of bleeing, my bleeding got heavier again and it was because i was doing too much, hard not too once you have a few children tho!

and ds1 concert was a 10min walk from my house, so i stuck dd in a sling and wandered along, it was fine but had it been much farther i wouldnt have gone, as it was ds1 was there when dd was born, he cut the cord and was desperate to show off his new baby sister to friends etc, so it was lovely for him and dd just fed/slept the whole time so wasnt a problem.

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