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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave dh to sort dc bedtime out every Tuesday?

60 replies

Homelybird · 01/11/2011 13:00

I really want to rejoin slimming world tonight I have put on a riduclous amount of weight since dc2 (now one years old). Thing is I work nights and if I go the local one tonight I'd have to leave home at 1845 then go straight to work. Dh goes out 3-4 times a week on the nights I'm not working, but I have to give him credit we always bath kids together read them a story then he goes out after.

I have a feeling he is not going to be too happy (he won't say this but his manner will) about it but ive been putting this off and last time I went to sw I lost 4 stone!! So I really wanna give it a shot but I do feel a bit bad walking out at this time if the day.

Watcha think?

OP posts:
talkingnonsense · 01/11/2011 13:01

Well ask him what he thinks! And work it out together.

CointreauVersial · 01/11/2011 13:03

He goes out 3-4 nights a week, but you think he'd begrudge you one night? To do something important to you and your future health?

I think you should absolutely insist on it. It's not difficult to put a child to bed.

Andrewofgg · 01/11/2011 13:06

At the risk of repeating what I have said on similar threads, but I think I am right:

He may not have the confidence he needs especially if he has not had much experience with babies - which is the case with many men for reasons which they may not be personally responsible

So get him to do the whole routine one night with you standing by but not taking part unless it looks like going dangerously wrong. Once he knows he can do it you can expect him to do it and he will probably enjoy it.

All of you out there with LOs on the way: do the same with your DPs and DHs and also your brothers and BILs if they have no useful experience. Make them change nappies and bathe your little ones and feed them to if ff. Train them up to be useful when they have LOs of their own.

SazZandASparkler · 01/11/2011 13:06

I would say to him 'I am going out at x time to Slimming World' I will see you after work.

No 'asking permission', just a statement of fact and GO.

God luck with the weightloss BTW. I would also start to go for a run another evening before work too.

MrBloomsNursery · 01/11/2011 13:09

Erm..just do it! Why won't he be happy? It's just one night.

CaurnieBred · 01/11/2011 13:09

Why will it be such a chore for him? Why would it be unreasonable to ask unless he is an unreasonable twat?

My DH has to get DD to bed every Tuesday as I have a dance class and I have to put her to bed every Wednesday as he plays football. Neither feels the other is being unreasonable.

Some of the men I hear about on here (and the crap some women in this world have to put up with) astound me.

squeakytoy · 01/11/2011 13:10

As an alternative option are there no morning classes that you could go to?

samandi · 01/11/2011 13:13

I'm not sure what the problem is? It sounds reasonable enough to me.

samandi · 01/11/2011 13:15

"He may not have the confidence he needs especially if he has not had much experience with babies - which is the case with many men for reasons which they may not be personally responsible."

LMAO! How on earth do new mothers get this confidence? Magic?? Oh, I forgot ... we're genetically wired to automatically know how to do everything to do with babies.

mycatoscar · 01/11/2011 13:15

it sounds like a reasonable thing to do.

but why will he not be happy? Is there a specific reason?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/11/2011 13:17

OMG - if he is not capable of putting his own child to bed once a week without you standing over him giving him instructions then there must be something very wrong!

Of course YANBU........and dont ask him, tell him!

Original poster
Homelybird · 01/11/2011 13:18

Wow thanks for replies. He is not a twat I assure you but he can panic when the routine changed a bit.

Obviously I will talk to him, but I get terrible mothers guilt about leaving the kids to do anything that is about me, therefore this clouds my view on whether iabu, if that makes sense.

There are morning ones but don't fancy taking kids with me there is no way to entertain them during the meetings etc.

Thanks for the support in weight loss Id love to go running but I think there are too many wobbly buts GrinBlush !!

I will explain to him tonight how unhappy I am with my size and how I feel this will improve me and therefore improve our family life, he's not unreasonable it's more me worrying. Plus I never get the 'yes go for I'll support you' type answer, it'll be 'oh so I have to put kids to bed, yea that's ok' so really my issue not his!!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 01/11/2011 13:18

OP YANBU even more NBU seeing as he's out 3 to 4 nights a week.

Andrewofgg train the men up? Really? Hmm What happens if the child is the woman's first too?

Original poster
Homelybird · 01/11/2011 13:20

I meant wobbly bits Blush

On the other hand maybe a Freudian typo!!

OP posts:
duvetdayplease · 01/11/2011 13:22

I think looking after yourself in this way will benefit your kids anyway so that should spur you on. Good luck with the weight loss. I agree he shouldn't begrudge you this, or a night on the tiles or anything else so i would just assume he's gonna be fine and kick off if he isn't.

Andrewofgg - your post has made me a bit grumpy, the implication in women having to train men is they don't have to make it their own responsibility to learn. They're not kids, they're equal parents.

Ephiny · 01/11/2011 13:23

He goes out 3-4 times a week? Doing what - hobbies or socialising? In that case it sounds only fair that you should have one evening to do what you want. Especially if it's something like weight loss which is beneficial to your health.

No need to feel guilty at all (and ignore his 'manner'), it's one evening and you're there for all the other bedtimes in the week! I'm sure he will manage just fine.

Ephiny · 01/11/2011 13:26

I am a bit Hmm at the idea of women 'training' their husbands and male relatives in childcare. Who trains the women? Are they born magically knowing what to do?

Or have I misunderstood - at first I thought it was about parents training their sons for the future, which seems quite reasonable.

coccyx · 01/11/2011 13:26

Don't be a doormat. They are his responsibility too and he goes out a few times a week anyway. You are going to Slimming world, hardly a thrill. good luck on your weight loss

SazZandASparkler · 01/11/2011 13:28

Homely - if you can put one foot in front of the other you can run Smile. You cannot have too many wobbly bits. Head up, chest out and have confidence. I'll bet anyone who is even bothering to watch (most people are too caught up in their own lives to be concerned by a person running) will be jealous/admiring of your dedication for running on a wet November evening Grin

Now, back to the original Q Blush. You do NOT have to justify why you are going or 'prove' any benefit to him/family life. This is something you want to do and you are going to do it. I do get you on not having the positive affirmation from him that you would like, but actually this is HIS problem, not yours. Please just be confident in saying what you are going to do as it is really, really not a big ask for him to do this.

clam · 01/11/2011 13:36

If you're not ready for running, then try a power walk and build up speed from there.

But I'm absolutely Shock at you having to rehearse telling your H that you'll be going to SW. Sounds to me like he needs a lot more practice at looking after his own children. And this "mother's guilt" you mention - what is that? Never suffered myself. I've done the best I can so far for my family, but not at the expense of my own life or identity.

Andrewofgg · 01/11/2011 13:42

Ephiny It's a fact that women are much likelier than men to have been expected and encouraged or even required to help with younger siblings, nephews, nieces, friends' children, before they have children of their own. It may be sad but it's still a fact.

When my DS was born my DW's brothers, frankly, hardly knew one end of a baby from the other. I did because I had had friends in my teen years withe young children who had allowed me to help and given me the confidence, and I am a self-confident type anyway. Both my BILs learnt what to do with mine, who was one of those babies who don't mind adults playing pass-the-parcel with them. When they became fathers they were ready for the job and took their full part. And enjoyed it as did I.

But of course today's parents should train their sons as well as their daughters.

mycatoscar · 01/11/2011 13:44

homely bird, I can totally identify with what you said about how he will respond.

My DH does this too, it's not that he minds putting dd to bed or minds me doing anything at all ever, he just has a way of putting his foot in it when he opens his mouth - sounds like your dh does too.

Like when I went for physio on saturday morning and needed a lift he didnt say "good luck, hope it goes well" he said "okay, I'll drive you there and amuse dd whilst you're in there somehow" (which roughly tranlated means - yep thats all fine, me and dd will go and find something to do, but obviously sounds like he's pissed off!) he will never understand how this kind of comment is a bit crap and comes across in the wrong way, no matter how many times I tell him!

If that's the case, just go, he'll be fine, the kids will be fine, you wont regret it and everyone will benefit from a happier, healthier you!

emsyj · 01/11/2011 13:46

I go out to a night school class straight from work every Thursday and get home about 9.30pm. So DH has to pick up DD (which, to be fair, he does 4 times a week anyway as I don't finish work in time), take her home, give her a snack & milk, bath, teeth, bed. He enjoys it and has never had a problem doing it.

DH goes horse riding on a Saturday and Sunday morning for about 3 hours each time. So we each get a fair crack at doing our own thing.

startail · 01/11/2011 13:48

Just let him get in with it he will cope!
Men are not as hopeless as they like to pretend. I'm sure mine could even do his own clothes shopping and packing, he can work the washing machine and iron.

Ephiny · 01/11/2011 13:53

Oh I know it's true that girls/women get more encouragement in doing baby-related stuff, starting with those life-like 'baby' dolls! Not always though - I'm female but have no experience at all worth speaking of, don't think I've ever even held a baby, and the first time I do will probably be my own. So I'm not in much of a position to be training DP, in fact I wish someone would give me a bit of training!

I have learned quite a lot just from reading MN though :)