To leave dh to sort dc bedtime out every Tuesday?

[Homelybird]

I really want to rejoin slimming world tonight I have put on a riduclous amount of weight since dc2 (now one years old). Thing is I work nights and if I go the local one tonight I'd have to leave home at 1845 then go straight to work. Dh goes out 3-4 times a week on the nights I'm not working, but I have to give him credit we always bath kids together read them a story then he goes out after.

I have a feeling he is not going to be too happy (he won't say this but his manner will) about it but ive been putting this off and last time I went to sw I lost 4 stone!! So I really wanna give it a shot but I do feel a bit bad walking out at this time if the day.

Watcha think?

OP When you view weight as something that limits your life then you are actually doing this for your DCs as much as for yourself. Sorry to be grim but losing weight is a big health issue (I say that being 3 stone overweight myself!) so focus on that.

Andrew For all my xP's faults he would have laughed in my face if I had suggested I "train" him up to care for his own DS. Remarkably he viewed DS as a small person from Day 1, albeit one that couldn't communicate apart from crying and so he had to work out his own ways of understanding and responding to DS's needs. I think he plumbed the depths of human traits such as empathy for that one - a miraculously ungendered emotion. I am sure you mean to be helpful but why do we continue to perpetuate this myth that men are shit at childcare and need 'training'? The only thing that needs to happen is to raise expectations of men - many of them seem very up to the challenge without the need to be "trained."

So get him to do the whole routine one night with you standing by but not taking part unless it looks like going dangerously wrong

Andrew please do enlighten me as to what can go dangerously wrong at bedtime, I need a laugh

When DS1 was born he was the first newborn I had ever seen, prior to him I had no interest in babies at all, DH was marginally better. No one trained us, we just got on with it and that OP is what you will have to let your DH do, what if you had to spend a day in hospital or something came up? He would have to get on with it then. Good luck with the weight loss!

i go out 2-3 nights a week to zumba and dp (not my dc's dad) puts dc's to bed alone (dd age 7 and ds age 5) i dont think its unreasonable at all

Not much at bedtime but my BILs were terrified at bathtime of dropping their big sister's slithery PFB - that's where some confidence is needed.

OP has said that they bath the child together everynight, its not rocket science. I actually feel sorry for the man, assuming he manages to get himself dressed and off to work in the morning getting his children to bed shouldn't be too difficult.

YANBU. I do sport one night a week and DH comes home early so I can go and does bath and bed for DS. It's not rocket surgery. I didn't have to 'train' him either...

Dh is more than capable of doing this and has done it before lots of times for various reasons he also gets the dc up 3 mornings a week sorts out preschool bag lunches so he is not a hands off dad by any means.

My post was more asking if it's unreasonable to leave him to do it every week as he does it every night does that make sense.

Plus mycatsoscar hit nail on the head its the way he responds to things like this, that make me feel guilty. It is not anything to do with his capabilities or my worrying he can't cope. I would love for him to say excellent idea go for it don't worry about us, but it will be along the lines of, oh so I'll sort the kids out then.

When he goes out it's hobby orientated sport music etc not socialising, I'd be a liar if I said it didn't bother me. But they are important to him.

I Don't really want to enter the debate with Andrew and others about mums naturally knowing what to do and men not. But what I will say is I didn't have a clue with dd1 I had no experience with any children what so ever never changed a nappy and it was between me and dh working it out together that we gained confidence and I think this is the way it should be learning together not one taking over the responsibility and teaching the other-that would be no way to build confidence at being a parent.

I have to say that my memories are of a generation back and it's to be hoped that things have improved! I certainly meant no offence to OP or anybody else.

Well you could say to him that you'll do the routine on your own one of the other nights so that he can head out a bit earlier if he wants to but tbh I doubt it bothers him that much. Talk to him and figure out something you're both happy with. I always leave my DH to put our two to bed on a Tuesday as I go to evening class. He doesn't mind and usually we do it together as is easier. But then I spend lots of time taking care of the kids when he isn't there so it's fair enough that it should be the other way round sometimes.

He gets to go out 3-4 times a week to do what he wants, so you should have the same freedom. Tell him that this is what you want to do, and you are going to do it.
When he says 'so I''ll do the kids bedtime then', just smile and say breezily "great, that's that sorted". He can't reasonably try to stop you when he has the freedom to do his own thing.

HoneyBird my DH can be a bit of a misery if I want to do something without him- I have always had more hobbies than him, and he has always wanted more family/couple time. So I do understand the 'attitude problem'. My DH has got better after many rows over time and we have a good compromise most of the time. I agree you could offer to do it alone another night to allow him to go out earlier/sit on his arse.

Hobbies and socialising mostly go together in my experience.

DH used to be like this. I moaned, alot and said it put a real dampener on my evening if he was huffy before i went out. Now if i go out, he says 'have a lovely time'. I think he means it......

Thanks everyone for advice opinions is good to know I'm not alone in dh having a bit of attitude.

Andrew no offense taken at all I welcome/value all opinions and advice. There is just no natural mother in me I have to work hard at it, but enjoy it all the same.

Thanks again everyone, now I just have to pluck the courage to face the first weigh in!!

These days a lot of women haven't had any experience of looking after babies, either, I had no experience before having my own, which is far from unusual nowadays, with smaller families, people living further away from family etc, not everyone will have looked after younger family members. Nobody trained me up and dh had no experience either, but we figured it out.

Anyway , op, if he goes out 3-4 nights a week, then he really shouldn't begrudge you one night and I'm sure there's no reason why he can't do bedtime, is there? Plenty of men regularly do bedtime on their own because their partners work in the evenings.

I have no time for blokes who sulk or complain about putting their kids to bed or their wives going out. No matter what the pathetic reason.

I think Andrew makes a valid point. It's all very well to give men short shrift for being nervous about caring for children/babies but why not be more understanding of our partners/fathers of our DC. I would expect support and understanding if I was unsure of something. I would be happy to offer that to my partner.

Many of my friends have sons - only one has a baby doll (that I gave to him) to look after, despite them loving playing with them. Apparently the idiot fathers don't want them to be 'poofs'

YANBU btw OP. It is nice you do bedtime together but it really isn't necessary. I usually do bedtime alone, but when DH is home he does it alone while I drink tidy up.

YANBU, it would be great for you if you went to Slimming World and great for your DH to have a special night with the kids.

Don't worry about his ability to cope - he will, but I think you're right to give him a helping hand with getting used to what he has to do.

I don't agree with all the posts that have lambasted the idea of "training" up a dad to do this sort of thing. It's perfectly reasonable that if primary carer, Parent A (usually the mother) does most of the childcare, Parent B is going to feel a bit underconfident and cackhanded when doing it themselves, eg, if Parent B only does the bathtime once a week, of course it's going to take much longer for them to get confident / they will not easily follow the normal routine. The way to get over this is not to "train" Parent B ruthlessly to do it as exactly as Parent A does, but I do think primary carer, Parent A should take some responsibility to make sure Parent B is comfortable with what they're doing if Parent B has less experience - it's just the way couples help each other out all the time.

In nearly all cases, this is covered by shouting "Need a hand?" once or twice in the early days, while DH wrestles the shit covered nappy / baby shampoo / sleeping bag and that's it.

Yes, but WHY is Parent B doing so little?

Parent B, if s/he gets parental leave of a couple of weeks, has an ideal opportunity to get cracking right at the beginning in any case. My partner (male) did most of the nappies etc when I'd had our first baby, precisely for this reason, because he knew he'd be back at work before I was. Neither of us had the faintest idea what to do, but he got the hang of it and I followed suit .

Go to slimming world and don't give it another seconds thought. My DH baths and puts DD to bed pretty much every night except for the rare occasions he goes out. I wouldn't dream of feeling guilty about it.

p.s. good luck with the weightloss.

MotherInferior - Parent B is doing less because in most two-parent families that I know of, in the first six months or so the mother (Parent A) takes mat leave and the father (Parent B) continues to work, and following that initial period it is common for one parent (Parent A) to work less than full time and do more childcare and one parent (Parent B) to work full time.

I don't think I know many families who, as you seem to be suggesting have an exact 50/50 split for childcare responsibility. There's nearly always one parent who does more, and I think it's fair for that parent helps out the parent who does less by letting them know how bits and pieces work and building their confidence where necessary.

My point was that if fathers get stuck in right at that beginning stage when neither parent has any idea what they're doing, it's a lot easier later on.

And frankly, in the days when my children were very small - and I did quite a lot more hands-on stuff than their father - when he was doing stuff with them and I wasn't, I was quite busy enough doing things like reading a book or having a glass of wine. I really don't see boosting his confidence around his own children as part of my role in life. And if I'd hung around, saying helpful things like 'I find that works particularly well' he'd have got extremely annoyed, what with them being his own children.

YABU - if I were only getting out one night a week, I'd be buggered if I'd be spending it at Slimming World

Agree about father getting stuck in at the beginning, but children's needs/routines/favourites change so quickly that the primary carer/Parent A is always going to be one step ahead of / be able to give useful information to Parent B. I don't meant Parent A has to stand over them directing the show, but a helping hand/suggestion here or there is the way to make Parent B feel in the loop.