Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

..to think dd's biological father could contribute more if he wants to be involved?

59 replies

Capitaltrixie · 01/11/2011 11:31

A bit of background - I was with my xp when I became pregnant accidently . My xp already has 3 children followed by a messy divorce, so wasn't keen to have more. Though it was a shock, I couldn't imaging doing anything other than having the baby. We did try at the relationship but ended up splitting up & I moved out (his house).

After living on my own for a bit, I went to live back with the folks when I realised I needed some support (they were amazing considering I was probably akin to a moody teenager with all those pregnancy hormones ). Fast forward one very emotional year and I met my dh when dd was only a few months old.
Dh adores dd completely & we are a happy little family. We do struggle with money - we share one car (when I was working dh cycled to work), all clothes are from nearly new sales, strict weekly supermarket budget etc, but I'm not in any way grumbling as we're very happy & I'm sure lots of others are in a worse position.
Xp is on his own, runs 2 cars (one is a porsche), but I don't begrudge him this, why would I. Thing is up till recently when I was working, nursery was expensive (600 a month) & he contributed £80 a month, which I did ask him for and he reluctantly agreed. This has now stopped. Apart from this he buys the odd gift for dd, but nothing useful/practical (and she's too young to get very excited by new toys, still loving the cardboard boxes and plastic containers ). In some ways I think that as we're a self-sufficient family unit, we should house/clothe/feed lovely dd ourselves but xp still wants to be involved in her life & see her every couple of weeks.

So...should he be contributing? and AIBU for thinking he should? be blimmin nice actually if he just offered to buy her some new clothes!

Taking dd to park at 2 to see him today, seriously dreading it (if he calls me 'sweetheart' or 'darlin' one more time I'm gonna deck him..). Have always left the door open for him to see her, would so much easier to shut him out althogether, but I'd then be denying dd the chance to get to know him..

OP posts:

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 01/11/2011 11:35

I get where your coming from, child support is a pisser but...

Don't ransom your daughter for money, If her father wants to see her he should be allowed.

You might feel like a self-sufficient family unit but he is her father

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2011 11:36

Yes, he should contribute. It may have been an accidental pregnancy and all the rest but he's still your child's father. Lovely that he wants to be involved in her life & stay friendly with you, but buying a few toys don't cover the cost of bringing up a baby. CSA is there for men that don't want to make a voluntary arrangement.

GypsyMoth · 01/11/2011 11:36

Er, kids are not 'pay per view'!!

And why the he'll would you want to shut her dad out of her life? He's her dad. The only one she has!

Ask him for regular maintenance.... Nicely
If not forthcoming, contact the csa!

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 01/11/2011 11:36

Pressed post to early sorry.

Go down the CSA route for money. Its a pain in the arse but it gets the job done

alwayspoor · 01/11/2011 11:36

He should be contributing but that is nothing to do with his realtionship with his daughter.

titchy · 01/11/2011 11:37

Get thee to the CSA - he shoudl contribute 15% of his net salary IIRC.

His involvement however should be seperate to this - assuming it is in her best interests to see him.

OnlyWantsOne · 01/11/2011 11:38

He should be supporting her. Have you contacted the CSA?

Does he give you no regular payments?

LunarRose · 01/11/2011 11:39

CSA

berkshirefem · 01/11/2011 11:42

It's not pay-per-view. If you really want him to be a part of his DD's life then you need to take money out of the equasion.

But yes, of course he should contribute. Contact the CSA - pronto!

I would also ask him to draw up a rota so that your DD knows when she is going to see him. As she gets older I don't think it is good for her to see dad on an ad hoc basis.

GypsyMoth · 01/11/2011 11:43

And don't restrict his contact!

berkshirefem · 01/11/2011 11:45

When I say get him to draw up a rota I don't mean by way of dictating to you. The arrangement will need to work for you too. But getting him to do it passes the responsibility over to him and will give you an idea of how much input he really wants.

If he puts down one afternoon every 2 weeks then so be it. But he may put down more which will be better for your DD in the long run. (assuming he's not abusive etc etc)

LunarRose · 01/11/2011 11:45

You are unlikely o avoid access so you might as well ensure he supports your DD growing up

prettywhiteguitar · 01/11/2011 11:48

CSA !!

OR if you don't like the idea do the maintenance calc yourself if you can remember what he earned and ask him for it.....

OR just ask each month for contribution towards what she needs....coat, shoes, passport, each month there will be something she needs. if he says he won't give you extra on top of your maintenance then you will have to say that his maintenance will have to increase

my ex was crap but has got better when seeing that his money makes a difference for ds and he wears the clothes, shoes that he buys

good luck !! i used to hate asking for money but its not like your spending it on yourself !

helenthemadex · 01/11/2011 11:55

hope the meeting in the park goes ok and you manage to resist the urge to deck him one

Im another one who would say ask him for it nicely if he says no or wont discuss it then go the official CSA route

him seeing his daughter and hopefully building a relationship with her is definately a seperate issue. Hopefully he will do the right thing by his daughter unlike my ex who actively lies to avoid paying a penny!

Also I would suggest not talking about this in front of your dd its not appropiate even if she is young

Original poster

Capitaltrixie · 01/11/2011 12:00

um..excuse me??! 'pay-per-view'??! WTF? I've never thought of it like that! was that meant negatively?
For the first 6 months of her life he gave me nothing, but still saw her when he wanted to because I thought that was the right thing to do for her

Sorry if it wasn't meant negatively & of course I posted on here for some advice (which I'm really grateful for )

Btw dh is her daddy, whether its right or wrong. He sits up with her when she is ill or upset (with me too 'course), loves her to death, has endless patience, would be hit by a bus for her, hasn't bought himself anything new in a seriously long time. Xp cancels if something more interesting comes up, starts playing with his phone within a short time of seeing her. Which one sounds like a daddy? I'm honouring the fact that xp is her father by, at times, encouraging a relationship.

Good point berkshirefem, have broached the rota issue may times but he xp says he never knows where he is/what he'll be doing (to be fair he does have committments with his other kids), but yes, an agreed day & time would be much better.
Really don't want to go down the CSA route..would much rather he contributed voluntarily..
in answer to onlywantsone, not anymore

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/11/2011 12:00

Financially, yes he should be supporting her, CSA is the way to go.

But what caught my attention was :
"Taking dd to park at 2 to see him today, seriously dreading it (if he calls me 'sweetheart' or 'darlin' one more time I'm gonna deck him..). Have always left the door open for him to see her, would so much easier to shut him out althogether, but I'd then be denying dd the chance to get to know him.."
That raised the idea in my head that you may feel his access visits are less to see his daughter (which you clearly want her to have) and more about him wanting to be an arse towards you. If that is the case, is there any way you could facilitate access without actually being at the handover? Family or friends? Contact centre?

Original poster

Capitaltrixie · 01/11/2011 12:10

Thanks for replies by the way.

prettywhiteguitar, thanks! I absolutely hate asking for money too, will try a maintenance calculation though, would prefer to avoid the CSA if possible, he's done all that before and I'm not completely insensitive!

Thanks Helenthemadex, just joking about decking him, he may be a bit selfish but he's not that bad . Oh he lies too though about income. Agree, wouldn't dream of discussing him or saying anything negative about him in front of dd, wouldn't be fair.

OP posts:

natation · 01/11/2011 12:12

Money and access should be 2 completely different issues. I find it sad that in the UK it's usually seen as even "access", it gives (mainly fathers) the "right" or at least opportunity to walk away from their children. Children,unless there is a specific reason, should be brought up by both parents as close to 50/50, responsibility for upbringing split accordingly, no paying the other parent any money. Yes it would require quite a change in attitude.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/11/2011 12:14

"he's done all that before and I'm not completely insensitive!"
No, but he is.

Original poster

Capitaltrixie · 01/11/2011 12:14

Whereyou leftit I do feel a bit like that tbh, escpecially when he doesn't always seem that interested in interacting and playing with her (after about 20 mins anyway).
When she's a bit older she'll be able to see him on her own, but right now I think she might get upset if I left her as, due to cancellations, she hasn't seen him regularly enough to get as comfortable being left as say she is with being left at nursery etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Capitaltrixie · 01/11/2011 12:16

just saw your next comment whereyouleftit. Hmm maybe!

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/11/2011 12:17

Could you take someone else with you to these visits to buffer you? Plus, someone who'll be an arse to their ex's face are often hesitant to do it in front of witnesses. Could make it easier for you.

nomoredora · 01/11/2011 12:19

Ask nicely for monthly maintenance, if he is an arse about it contact the CSA. Tell him you don't want to cause an argument but he needs to be contributing financially as well as emotionally to your DD's upbringing.

Can you also not let him have access by himself? Instead of going to the park with them can't he just take her himself? Sounds like he needs a bit of distance from you with regards to the "sweetheart" and "darling" comments.

Original poster

Capitaltrixie · 01/11/2011 12:19

I agree natation, it is sad. Not sure how it would all work as it tends to be rather complicated, but it would be a mature & responsible way of doing things..

OP posts:

Original poster

Capitaltrixie · 01/11/2011 12:24

My family can't stand him - they see it that he 'abandoned' me. It was of course more complicated than that (he strongly urged me not to have the baby..can't say that word!), I said I was..full stop. So not much chance of one of them coming along to visits. But as I say, when she is a little older, she can have more time with him on her own which will be better all round.
Um CSA, I know it's sometimes necessary, but I just feel terrible.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3