..to think dd's biological father could contribute more if he wants to be involved?

[Capitaltrixie]

A bit of background - I was with my xp when I became pregnant accidently . My xp already has 3 children followed by a messy divorce, so wasn't keen to have more. Though it was a shock, I couldn't imaging doing anything other than having the baby. We did try at the relationship but ended up splitting up & I moved out (his house).

After living on my own for a bit, I went to live back with the folks when I realised I needed some support (they were amazing considering I was probably akin to a moody teenager with all those pregnancy hormones ). Fast forward one very emotional year and I met my dh when dd was only a few months old.
Dh adores dd completely & we are a happy little family. We do struggle with money - we share one car (when I was working dh cycled to work), all clothes are from nearly new sales, strict weekly supermarket budget etc, but I'm not in any way grumbling as we're very happy & I'm sure lots of others are in a worse position.
Xp is on his own, runs 2 cars (one is a porsche), but I don't begrudge him this, why would I. Thing is up till recently when I was working, nursery was expensive (600 a month) & he contributed £80 a month, which I did ask him for and he reluctantly agreed. This has now stopped. Apart from this he buys the odd gift for dd, but nothing useful/practical (and she's too young to get very excited by new toys, still loving the cardboard boxes and plastic containers ). In some ways I think that as we're a self-sufficient family unit, we should house/clothe/feed lovely dd ourselves but xp still wants to be involved in her life & see her every couple of weeks.

So...should he be contributing? and AIBU for thinking he should? be blimmin nice actually if he just offered to buy her some new clothes!

Taking dd to park at 2 to see him today, seriously dreading it (if he calls me 'sweetheart' or 'darlin' one more time I'm gonna deck him..). Have always left the door open for him to see her, would so much easier to shut him out althogether, but I'd then be denying dd the chance to get to know him..

trixie you really are being far too nice.
Facilitating contact, even when he appears not to prioritise it, or even focus on his daughter when it takes place.
Considering his sensitivity, when he does not apparently reciprocate.
Ensuring you never say anything negative in front of DD (although obviously she benefits most from this, but he does too).
Putting up with his rather dismissive way of addressing you.
Being reluctant to go to the CSA.

He is an adult. You are being more than fair. Yes it would be nice if he contributed to his daughter's upkeep voluntarily, but he is so obviously not going to do so. You need to put your daughter first and go to the CSA.

And, something tells me his attitude to life's responsibilities had a big part to play in how messy his divorce was.

Try Child maintenance options instead. they are the civil way of doing it, wouldn't work for my ex but might work for you. Certainly if you can't work something out through them you would probably feel alot more justified going to the CSA

Thanks & quite possibly WYLI, that does sound quite accurate!

From what I've gathered, from stuff in the past xp isn't so good with responsibility (there is another child aside from the other 3 that he has absolutely no contact with..I know, seriously complicated!!), I do worry a bit that he'll let dd down in the future too, but for now I've just got to go with it.

Just wondered though, is the CSA more designed for when you're on your own rather than if you have a new partner/husband?

I can relate to your position, Trixie, as I met my DH when my DS was a few months old. I split up from my XP before I knew I was pregnant, and when I told XP he said "he didn't know if he wanted to be involved". Lovely. From somewhere, I grew a pair of balls (handy for dealing with pregnancy hormones) and asked him for exactly 50% of all the kitting out costs, and 180 pounds a month. To be fair to him, he paid up, and has continued paying. After a couple of years, I asked him to increase it to 200, and he did. I once asked him for an additional contribution and he was a right grumpy git about it, but paid up. I made a point of making him see DS about 3 times a year - we live quite a distance apart - but sadly XP can't see him more often as he's "busy". This last year, now that DS is 11, he has seen him about 5 times - at his request. Extraordinary. Maybe he's less "busy".

So I can relate. My advice to you is to ask him for a regular monthly amount. He is her biological father, and it is his responsibility to do so. Obviously you have no wish to involve the CSA, whom you understand, are right bastards. SO much nicer to arrange it between yourselves. 300 pounds a month would be appropriate as you have to make sure she has warm safe accommodation, suitable clothing, healthy food and some toys. Any time he wants to buy her a little something extra would be lovely.

Grow some balls (I'd share mine, but I still use them) and ask him nicely. You always get more with sugar than you do with vinegar.

As for access, I recommend keeping it open and regular or it will bite you in the bum later, when DD is in her teens.

And your DD has two Daddies. Just like my DS.

Good luck.

Thanks LunarRose, just had a quick look at the site but will have a thorough read later, sounds like it would be worth a go in the first instance.

Hiya

Totally get your frustration but the problem for you is always going to be that if you actively cut him out of your daughters life you will eventually get the blame for it. You and your daughter have a lovely man in your lives, who is her daddy in all but biology but children have a horrible habit of needing to know their biological roots as well, if only so they can see how lucky they are to have the man who took over the job in their lives. Call the CSA, keep up trying the visits and she will see the truth eventually. Call it quits and you hand him the ammunition in ten years to try and turn it all on you.

Csa is for fathers who don't pay for their children. Your new family situation is irrelevent.

But like I said a private arrangement might work for you, and maintenance options can help.

Personally I think it's lovely that fathers want to right to see their children, but they should be sharing some of the responsibility too.

If you call them they're lovely.

have had a couple of chats with them but given the trouble I have getting anything from my ex (who is all for having his rights to see them just to to support them) it's the CSA for me

not to support

I know I'm not always good in the balls department MrsGypsy, often feisty in other situations, but with family issues I can be a right wimp!
Sound advice, thanks.
I'm going to suggest a regular monthly amount and go from there (CMO website as suggested above if it's a no). His grumpiness/reluctance has put me off in the past, but my new balls should help

Yanbu at all. Why is it ok for some men to just dump and run. He had an equal part in making the baby so he should contribute financially.

Agree prettyfly1, I would be curious about my roots in her position, so I'm fairly sure she will be. Going to keep the visits going & keep the door open. Thanks dh is lovely and brilliant daddy, very lucky, both of us.

Thanks for the info LunarRose, if I did find I need to call the CSA, it sounds like they can give me further info, even if I don't go down that route.

forgot to say MrsG, dd has one daddy but also has a father, it works for us (including xp).

I don't get why people are so obsessed with the idea that the biological father is 'the father' and has 'rights' when they're quite happy for children who are adopted to think of their non-bio parents as their 'real mum and dad'. Sounds like OP's new partner is the chid's real father, and the bio-dad is a bit useless. If the child likes seeing him, then of course that should continue, but he also ought to pay a contribution to the child's needs if he is going to demand 'rights'. A mother/resident parent who didn't pay for anything for her children would pretty soon lose any parental rights to social services! The 'pay-per-view' argument only works the other way, actually- it's about fathers who think they only owe child maintenance if they are allowed to see their children on their terms (regardless of often violence and abuse). It's not about mothers wanting equal support for their children- it's quite reasonable not to make an effort for contact to continue if someone has made it clear they don't give a shit about their bio-child- after all, we're always told we can't 'force' fathers to see their children so why should mothers be forced to go out of their way either? (Partly being devils advocate but honestly, the misogyny on here is depressing).

Hallelujah WibblyBibbly!!! I couldn't agree more!

Well the bio father would have a say in medical/school issues. The step dad would legally have zero

That's the difference.

And also the fundamental problem. A whole load of stepfathers deserve those rights far more than the bio dads

try to get him to pay regular money. the more he invests in the baby now the more he'll feel invested in her and her welfare as she grows up. that is, if you want him to be part of her life, altho he sounds like a total dick tbh.. good luck and well done on managing without him.

good luck on the new set of balls op ! Go for it and just ask nicely, frankly who cares if it makes him a bit grumpy you don't have to live with him !

Thanks for replies.

A few people probably wouldn't agree with you Wibblybibble, judging from the early posts ('you simply CANT deny her bio father access' or something similar to that, not that was what I was suggesting I was going to!!), but very good point.

I do see her step-dad as her proper daddy and as I understand he has no rights unless he were to adopt dd, which is a whole other discussion. (Incidentally, I think xp may have had the 'pay-per-view' way of thinking with his ex-wife as he was forced to contribute through the CSA & courts and made demands based on that, but then, I don't know the full details..and don't care!).
Park all went fine, he was quite pleasant & had a nice play with dd. Didn't bring money up - I'm keen to keep visiting and finances separate, but will give him a call to discuss a reasonable monthly contribution.

Yes LunarRose they do deserve it.

Thanks freeandhappy,

to prettywhiteguitar. Going to give him a ring tonight.

Just a thought, but if you do go down the CSA route (which if you can't reach a private arrangement is the way to go IMO) do keep in mind that it won't be 15% of his income that you get, it will be 1/4 of the 15% as he already has an arrangement through the CSA for his other 3 children so the amount deemed reasonable to take from him doesn't change, it just gets split between all the children he claims for.

Called xp/dd's bio-dad the other night and ended up having a bit of a rant not proud of it and I did try to be nice..but I just found it offensive that he doesn't consider her a high priority IMO and we had to discuss for ages why he should be contributing!!

He came back to me the next day to say he can offer me £110/month. We live quite frugally so it would go quite far towards dd's clothes/contribution to her CTF/nappies etc...I dunno, I just feel so damn effin emotional about this.

I did call the CSA the next day after speaking to him, had a bit of a booo on the phone (WHAT is wrong with me?!?!?!? blethering eediot), the guy I spoke to was nice enough, he just kept saying I can start a case if I want to.

Think I just need a kick up the arse & to get a grip. Xp has offered a regular contribution, so that's fair and an end to it...?

"Xp has offered a regular contribution, so that's fair and an end to it...?"
Depends on whether the contribution is fair. How does it compare to what he would be required to contribute via the CSA?

Be careful. My ex partner agreed to a monthly amount for our ds and then backed out of it after a few months If I'd gone to the CSA in the begnning it would have saved a lot of grief because he'd have already been in their system.

Make sure you can trust him to stick with this arrangement before abandoning the CSA route.