..to think dd's biological father could contribute more if he wants to be involved?

[Capitaltrixie]

A bit of background - I was with my xp when I became pregnant accidently . My xp already has 3 children followed by a messy divorce, so wasn't keen to have more. Though it was a shock, I couldn't imaging doing anything other than having the baby. We did try at the relationship but ended up splitting up & I moved out (his house).

After living on my own for a bit, I went to live back with the folks when I realised I needed some support (they were amazing considering I was probably akin to a moody teenager with all those pregnancy hormones ). Fast forward one very emotional year and I met my dh when dd was only a few months old.
Dh adores dd completely & we are a happy little family. We do struggle with money - we share one car (when I was working dh cycled to work), all clothes are from nearly new sales, strict weekly supermarket budget etc, but I'm not in any way grumbling as we're very happy & I'm sure lots of others are in a worse position.
Xp is on his own, runs 2 cars (one is a porsche), but I don't begrudge him this, why would I. Thing is up till recently when I was working, nursery was expensive (600 a month) & he contributed £80 a month, which I did ask him for and he reluctantly agreed. This has now stopped. Apart from this he buys the odd gift for dd, but nothing useful/practical (and she's too young to get very excited by new toys, still loving the cardboard boxes and plastic containers ). In some ways I think that as we're a self-sufficient family unit, we should house/clothe/feed lovely dd ourselves but xp still wants to be involved in her life & see her every couple of weeks.

So...should he be contributing? and AIBU for thinking he should? be blimmin nice actually if he just offered to buy her some new clothes!

Taking dd to park at 2 to see him today, seriously dreading it (if he calls me 'sweetheart' or 'darlin' one more time I'm gonna deck him..). Have always left the door open for him to see her, would so much easier to shut him out althogether, but I'd then be denying dd the chance to get to know him..

Hi WYLI, don't know - Xp's income is sporadic, contracts on and off I think, when I spoke to him this week, at first he said he couldn't afford to give me money for dd as he doesn't have a job atm so I felt like a right cow asking (though he did turn up in a new merc to the last visit, so I didn't feel that bad..). But as he doesn't have a regular income, I couldn't use the CMO calculator.

Haven't started a case with the CSA yet (they said they can look into his bank acc's etc..didn't realise they had such power!), but as PiousPrat above said it would likely be a different split given he has 3 other children he is paying for...

Ah that's rubbish hiddenhome, hope it got sorted in the end? I can well imagine that happening with xp actually as he's bit eratic and bitter about anything to do with child maintenance. I'm going to see if he transfers the money that he agreed to (not appeared yet!) and if not, it'll unfortunately be the CSA.

If he has 4 children including yours, the CSA calculation would be 25% of his net weekly income, split between the four children. So 6.25% of his net income.

If his £110 per month offer were based on income at 6.25% (I'm guessing it's not...but just trying to compare numbers) it would translate to £1,760 per month net earnings, which would equate to just under £28,000 per annum gross salary.

If he has a new Merc then I suspect he either a) earns rather more than that, or b) can't really afford said Merc. IMO chances are that it's (a) and that therefore the CSA would be making him pay rather more than that.

Financial contribution and access are two different issues.

Of course he should be paying a regular amount to provide for his daughter. So he "doesn't consider her a high priority"- I am gobsmacked at this. He'd see his child go without in order to fund luxury cars? I'd be ranting in your shoes, sod trying to be nice- I would be beyond angry about this. You had to discuss why he should be contributing -well, because he is legally obliged to is a good start, before you even go down the road of moral obligations. If he didn't want to run the risk of fathering a child, he shouldn't have had sex- it takes two parents to produce a child, you didn't conjure up a baby from thin air and then demand he pay for her.

If he is not willing to pay maintenance, then the CSA are your only option. I have to say I'm not sure I've fully understood why there is a problem with this- is it because of problems Ex has had with them when sorting out finances in respect of his older children? If so, that's his issue to deal with, and you daughter should certainly not be suffering because of that. TBH, it doesn't sound as though Ex is going to be at all reliable about this unless his hand is forced by the authorities.

Access- again, you are being very accommodating and nice when your Ex mucks you and your DD about- you do need to allow access and allow a relationship, but you don't have to take responsibility for their relationship.

Your DH sounds fantastic BTW :)

Thanks inertia, I was angry when I spoke to him & focused on the moral rather than legal obligation he has to contribute towards dd. I just don't think he sees it like that though! Up till recently I was working (3 days/week with high nursery fees) and dh is working. Xp doesn't have a regular job, is looking for the 'ideal job or contract' but has 100k+ in the bank, so yep you're right pootlebug - he can afford the cars. To him we have jobs so are better off than him.

He had an accident about 10 yrs ago, but is mostly recovered apart from bit of a limp, can't go running etc and is very 'poor me', I did empathise as of course it must be hard & frustrating (tbh I didn't notice it when we were together).

When he is all 'who is going to look after me' & 'don't I deserve nice things' etc it makes me think of all those amazing people in the paraolympics & loads of other people who have got over difficult things & don't complain.

So I think that's probably where some of the problem lies & that's what complicates it for me. I think his ex went through the courts to get a settlement rather than CSA, it was very bitter (he left her for another woman when she was pregnant). Think you're right - I really don't think he will pay unless forced to, he's still not been in touch or transferred the money....

CSA is really the only option here. I don't think, judging by past history, he is going to pay or continue to pay maintainance.

It is money for your DD not for you.Does he got tthink his DD deserves nice things too.

Twat.

Go to the CSA. He has money in the bank, he probably earns a fortune and isn't paying a penny. The money you receive will only be divided by the other 4 children if their mother(s) are also claiming VIA the CSA. They'll backdate your payment to the date you apply, so just get on with it, stop procastinating. I say that because my DS is 5.5 and I've been chasing the CSA for over 5 years to get a proper amount of money from his 'dad'. It could take longer than you think but from your circumstances I'd say it would be sorted pretty quickly. So apply TODAY.

I'm going to go against the grain here. Putting aside legal and moral rights, I don't think you should ask XP for any money.

You see your DH as her daddy and say that you are a happy family unit. Therefore you and DH should provide for your DD. I wouldn't give XP the privilege of contributing to her upbringing. Let him see her by all means but I wouldn't even suggest regular access. You, DH and DD get on with your lives and let XP and DD see each other when they want but let DH be her daddy and that involves providing for her financially as well as emotionally.

I speak as an adoptive parent btw.

You do realise this guy is playing you right?

He's full of "oh poor me", "complicated relationships" with multiple children by multiple mothers, guilt-tripping you over his supposed lack of work yet showing up in flash new cars?

Have you got MUG written on your forehead next to Sweetheart and Darlin'?

Seriously, stop giving in to his pathetic whinging and just go to CSA already. There's nothing personal about it; it's purely business. He is the father of a child, he needs to pay to help cover the costs of raising her.

The sooner you take yourself out of this emotionally and stop letting yourself be manipulated by this twat, and start getting strong and standing up for your DD, the sooner you'll get what you need.

And I agree with others that the access thing should be kept separate from the money issue. But if you don't find a way to make and keep them separate in your mind, you will never get this sorted and you will continue to alternatively resent and feel sorry for him while he pisses away the money he should be contributing to your DD on his silly cars.

Get tougher.