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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think just because someone has died doesn't stop you 'having' the?

57 replies

jasonlovesme · 31/10/2011 20:56

Was at a day time function thing today - as DPs partner -and conversation came around to the bump, having children, siblings etc.
In a group of about 5, 2 we know moderatly well, 1 have met once or twice and 2 we have never met before today.
DP said he would like more than one as he is an only child and missed having siblings etc.
I said I can't image not having a 'reasonable' size family as I come from a large family.
the 1 we have met once/twice before asked me how many siblings I have.
'Oh I'm one of 8 actually'
Cue - ohhs, wows ect.
One of the 2 we know moderatly well then pips up and says 'But you aren't actually you are only one of 7'
The rest of the group look puzzled and such, DP was definatly shocked. And I had to fight back tears and anger.

One of my brothers died at 21. This persons knows this as we first met soon after DS was born and they asked about his name (he is named after my DBro)

AIBU to think that just if a sibling or the like dies they don't stop being yours.?
If your parents die you don't have no parents - just none living.
And just because one of my siblings died doesn't mean they weren't mine. I'm still one of 8 living or not.

Or is that wrong - is that not the usual concensus?

OP posts:
holdenmcgroin1979 · 31/10/2011 20:59

YANBU, i would have been trying not to blub as well had a friend said that to me.

poshme · 31/10/2011 20:59

YADNBU.
YOu are one of 8.
what a crappy thing for them to say

Sparklingbrook · 31/10/2011 21:00

You are totally right. Were you upset? I would have been-they shouldn't have said that.

ScaredBear · 31/10/2011 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Changing2011 · 31/10/2011 21:00

Yanbu... My mum is dead, but to say I never had one is a bit silly.. I wouldn't be here! I also talk about her all the time as well, not in the present tense, but make reference to her etc. Your friend was being very insensitive and I would ask for an apology.

Sparklingbrook · 31/10/2011 21:01

Sorry-you said you were upset. Sad

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend · 31/10/2011 21:01

What an insensitive twat - of course you are still 1 of 8. Just because someone passes on, it doesnt mean they are/were no longer your brother or sister.

I hope whoever said it was suitably chastened by someone else and is highly embarassed.

Pagwatch · 31/10/2011 21:01

I think every situation is different.

I am one of eight. But I found out when I was a teenager that I actually had an older brother so I am actually one of nine. But I never knew him and my family felt like 8 children.

But I think correcting you was crass, insensitive and way beyond rude. You are one of eight. You don't usually stop counting a loved sibling because they die.

lisad123 · 31/10/2011 21:01

i would have slapped them Shock
:( sorry about your brother

SecretNutellaFix · 31/10/2011 21:02

No it's not wrong at all. However- this person may indeed have forgotten about your brother and was a bit thoughtless in blurting out what they did.

grumplestilskin · 31/10/2011 21:02

I say you "had" them if they're dead, but in your case I'ld say you were one of 8 because he lived until 21 so you did grow up together as one of 8. if it was a cot death etc I usually say one of (however many grew up together) plus one...

I don't HAVE two parents, I have one, the other is dead

how rude and horrible for that person to correct you!

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 21:02

YANBU

My sister died and I still say I'm the youngest of 5

borderslass · 31/10/2011 21:03

YANBU I actually corrected my mother for the first time last year her second child, my brother died when he was 3 months old he would of been 51 now and she never considers him in how many she had. She always goes on about her having had 5 children I said no mum you had 6.

MrsTittleMouse · 31/10/2011 21:03
Shock I don't care if it is the consensus - it would only be the consensus for those who haven't been bereaved and have no idea what it's like. Your "friend" was being incredibly insensitive and I can't believe that anyone who cared for you would be so crass. It makes me very Angry and Sad on your behalf.
thesurgeonsmate · 31/10/2011 21:04

YANBU to call yourself one of eight. YANBU to have found this remark hard to handle. Talk about a blindside - it's an utterly bizarre thing to say!

Doodlez · 31/10/2011 21:04

It was a bloody gormless thing for them to say. You are one of eight - end of.

Interestingly, my friend has a not too dissimilar problem. She has had three children but her first baby was still born. When asked how many children, she says "Two" but always feels guilt for not 'acknowledging' the deceased child. As she says herself though, if she says "three but one died", it kinda cuts the conversational flow!

bushymcbush · 31/10/2011 21:04

Oh wow. Jaw dropping insensitivity.

You are 1 of 8.

Elderly people who's siblings have all died wouldn't describe themselves as an only child would they? Ridiculous.

marriedinwhite · 31/10/2011 21:05

YANBU. I have two children but I gave birth to three (although most people we have met in the last 14 years don't know that) and therefore I am the mother of three children but most people think I have only had two. Of course you were one of 8; and now you are one of 7 but that will never stop you having been one of 8.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 31/10/2011 21:05

What on earth was she thinking? Of course you don't stop having that person in your family just because they've died. They will always be part of your family - isn't that what they say, that the dead live on through us?

MrsTittleMouse · 31/10/2011 21:05

Even if the friend had forgotten the brother who died - why the Hell would she/he correct jasonloveme? Does she/he really think that they have a better handle on her family than she does herself?

MorelliOrRanger · 31/10/2011 21:06

How awful of this person to have said that. :(

Course you are 1 of 8.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 21:07

She was well out of order - on several levels. She's lucky you didn't tell her exactly how out of order she was. Was she being a know-it-all, plain nasty or do you think she's maybe a little 'socially inept'?

It is personal information which she had no right to spout at all and sundry, just because you had told her doesn't mean she has the right to 'use' the information in that way. I'm not saying it's a secret as such, but to 'use' it in such an open and horrible way.

You are one of 8, you will always be one of 8. In time you will all die - you don't then become 1 of 8,7,6,5 etc so the emotional issue aside, the stupid cow is just wrong anyway.

I'm sorry she did that to you, to be confronted with your brothers death when you weren't expecting it is shocking and upsetting :(

Psammead · 31/10/2011 21:07

It's absolutely up to you how you phrase it. She had no right to correct you. All I can think is that she wanted to explain it all on your behalf, but then thought better of it and left it hanging.

Insensitive.

MrsTittleMouse · 31/10/2011 21:07

My Dad has the same problem Doodlez. It's such a normal question, isn't it "How many children do you have?"? It's only since my brother died, and also through friends losing babies, that I have realised how painful and difficult a question it is for some people to answer. :(

TethHearseEnd · 31/10/2011 21:08

YANBU.

What a cunt.