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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think just because someone has died doesn't stop you 'having' the?

57 replies

jasonlovesme · 31/10/2011 20:56

Was at a day time function thing today - as DPs partner -and conversation came around to the bump, having children, siblings etc.
In a group of about 5, 2 we know moderatly well, 1 have met once or twice and 2 we have never met before today.
DP said he would like more than one as he is an only child and missed having siblings etc.
I said I can't image not having a 'reasonable' size family as I come from a large family.
the 1 we have met once/twice before asked me how many siblings I have.
'Oh I'm one of 8 actually'
Cue - ohhs, wows ect.
One of the 2 we know moderatly well then pips up and says 'But you aren't actually you are only one of 7'
The rest of the group look puzzled and such, DP was definatly shocked. And I had to fight back tears and anger.

One of my brothers died at 21. This persons knows this as we first met soon after DS was born and they asked about his name (he is named after my DBro)

AIBU to think that just if a sibling or the like dies they don't stop being yours.?
If your parents die you don't have no parents - just none living.
And just because one of my siblings died doesn't mean they weren't mine. I'm still one of 8 living or not.

Or is that wrong - is that not the usual concensus?

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 31/10/2011 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 31/10/2011 21:10

YANBU!!! How nsensitive and how dare she take your choice away from you and divulge information you may not have wanted to share.

brabbinsandfyffe · 31/10/2011 21:11

Definitely one of eight, the same way I'm one of two, and I'd have felt just as you did (as well as thinking the commenter is a tw*t). Major hug to you.

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 31/10/2011 21:11

i think this is the most inappropriate type of pedantics (is that the right word) i have ever seen!! what an insensitive arsehole!! how dare they try and make you look stupid about something like that. it almost comes across as if they enjoyed reminding you of the fact you have lost a brother! i can't think of any other reason why they would have done that. any normal person would have remembered that you had lost a brother and then their brain would have kicked in and told them "but it wouldn't be right to say so".

ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 21:13

I think it is a persons right to alter the number they give to virtual strangers if they want to, whether it's a sibling, parent or child - if you want to say 'I'm one of 7' if you guess the next question is going to be are you close/do they live nearby or whatever and you don't want to explain about the person who has died - it's personal and up to you what you disclose. It is not up to someone, who is merely an aquaintance, to correct you in front of a group of people. FFS - some people just don't have the sense they are born with :(

cookielove · 31/10/2011 21:16

I think it was insensitive for him to say, however my dp classes himself as an only child his sister died 5 years ago, he had a sister, he doesn't any more so i think to dp that comment wouldn't bother him.

legspinner · 31/10/2011 21:16

It's incredibly insensitive. Of course you don't stop having a brother!
My MIL is one of 8, and she has lost a brother too, and everyone still says they are a family of 8. It's also a way to keep those memories alive.

So sorry about your brother, big hugs.

EdlessAllenPoe · 31/10/2011 21:17

i am 2 of 4. that is my Borg designation. it will remain the same even if one of siblings pops their clogs.

Yanbu, it is really your call to decide how many siblings you have...

TheRealTillyMinto · 31/10/2011 21:18

YANBU my mums brother died when he was 5 and she was 8. she has a sister & describes herself as olny having a sister...but you/she gets to choose & gets to change your mind whenever you like.

legspinner · 31/10/2011 21:19

at Borg designation. Haven't heard that for a while.

EverybodysScaryEyed · 31/10/2011 21:20

Really insensitive

and the question clearly was about how big a family you come from and you come from a family of 8 - regardless of how old your sibling was when he passed your parents had 8 children - that's a big family

if you had been asked who you are spending xmas with and said my siblings, there will be 7 of us, that would be different

in any case, it wasn't her place to 'correct' you. There is no shame in having been upset by that comment and is totally understandable

LynetteScavo · 31/10/2011 21:20

YANBU.

That is shocking!

I thought you were going to say your sibling died as a baby, or before you were born.

Very insensitive, and very rude!

Minus273 · 31/10/2011 21:58

YADNBU. What a cruel and idiotic thing to say.

ElphabaisWicked · 31/10/2011 22:04

YANBU - that is absolutely awful.

I can just imagine my mums reaction if someone did that to her (she is one of 6 even if the youngest died she is not forgotten).

Nowtspecial · 31/10/2011 22:06

Wtf is wrong with people.

faffaround · 31/10/2011 22:07

YANBU. What an insensitive thing to say (to say it politely). As someone whose brother died eight years' ago (a year before I had children) I truly sympathise. Big hugs.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 31/10/2011 22:15

YANBU AT ALL!

I have FIVE children. FIVE and unless some miracle happens and I get pg again (please please please) I will always have FIVE children.

If anyone dared to suggest otherwise I would make it known how pissed off I was.

I get the feeling that occassionally someone wants to correct me. To say 'well you havent really got five have you?' maybe they think I say five because I am attentions seeking

Nope, just not going to deny my DD to make someone else's life more neat and tidy.

Nor should you have to deny your DB just to make things simpler for someone to understand.

exoticfruits · 31/10/2011 22:27

YANBU-it was a terrible thing to say. People may not be physically with us but they are there in mind-always.

monkeywench · 31/10/2011 22:37

Completely get what doodlez said. Outwardly I tell people I'm a mother of three, but I've given birth to four children, all equally precious to me.

I learnt early on though that sometimes it's easier to edit than to explain. Just after ds1 was born, a lady at the doctors started quizzing me about where my other twin was (she'd seen me at a twin A-N class). I just blurted out "dead". Knowing now that people find that kind of truth hard to cope with, I very very rarely say anything now in real life.

Fixture · 31/10/2011 22:45

YANBU. Are they usually a very literal person, e.g. like some people with Aspergers can be?

blackeyedsusan · 31/10/2011 22:59

how odd. even if you think the grammer should be different ("I was one of eight" say) you definately should not pipe up with it in the midst of a conversation, because it is bloody insensative

eaglewings · 31/10/2011 23:06

Do you think she was jealous of you having the limelight (not that you were trying to hog it)

I'm ttc 4 and have to admit I feel a bit when I'm in the company of large families, but that's my problem not theirs

MrBloomsNursery · 31/10/2011 23:10

:( I still have a Mum even though she's not here anymore. YANBU.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/10/2011 23:10

how rude and totally inconsiderate of her to say anything [hangry]

i still say im married though dh is dead :( tho tech i should say im widowed but i hate that word

im not divorced so therefore im married

just because someone has died doesnt mean they never existed

CumpyGrunt · 31/10/2011 23:11

YANBU at all

I'm 1 of 5.

There is only 4 of us left - I will always be 1 of 5 though.

Horrible comment

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