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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take away all of husbands credit cards?

74 replies

Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 14:04

Need an honest response as i'm too confused to tell.

My wage has gone on the mortgage and childcare. His paid for all the rest of the household bills. Around a year ago H started drinking a lot more also started gambling, I saw he wasn't playing free games like I assumed when I saw our joint account was a bit low and looked at what was coming out. I got a very nasty shock but we talked it out, he started counseling for the drinking and stopped the poker sites.

The counseling showed up that a recent promotion was one of the stress triggers for the drinking, so we talked about how he could change jobs but around six months ago he just said he couldn't carry on working so we worked out a budget plan which meant if he handed in his notice we could afford the bills in the worst case scenario of not finding a job and him being the SAHP.

So now husband has been SAHP for four months and finally got a job offer fantastic news!!! Except that we need to buy a car, no problem I say we've been budgeting.....

No we haven't H has been siphoning £11,000 of debt off credit cards. While H has been managing (or lack there of) the household finances he has put every major purchase, computer game, off license visit where I couldn't bloody see it. I feel so bloody cheated and angry at him, bottom line is he can't get any more credit and is looking for a joint loan as a bailout - Joint as in I'm the only one with a job and he needs a car to get to work.

I've surprised myself by not shouting, hysterics - but my fear level is just crippling, all I could say was you're not allowed cards any more and work out a fresh budget on our actual cost of living.

I can't think what else I can do, I know he feels trapped as a SAHP but I honestly don't know what to do or whether taking the cards away will just take away responsibility for cleaning up this mess.

OP posts:
Swankyswishing · 30/10/2011 14:53

My husband has done similar to me in the past and quite frankly it disgusts me. At the time we were budgeting like you were, the kids and I were living in clothes from Primark and I was meal planning like crazy, whilst he racked up debts buying whatever he wanted.

My advice would be; don't take on the joint loan. If you do and the cards are cleared he will keep on spending. Take his cards away, as you are planning to do. And make him either travel to work by pushbike, or public transport, or tell him to get an old banger of a car for a few hundred quid. Why should you end up stretched even further financially and budgeting even more because of his selfishness?

Robotindisguise · 30/10/2011 14:53

Don't take out a joint loan. If so, you are telling him you will fund his habit. He has to take ownership of this. If you don't tell him he's on his own, soon it will be £20,000 of debt, and then upwards from there.

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 14:54

My worry is that we pay this off and it happens again, we're screwed.

But my marriage is worth more than £11,000 that I sleep walked along with

But if I agree to sticking through it what does that show

Bloody merry go round

OP posts:
Swankyswishing · 30/10/2011 15:01

You need to set some clear boundaries to him and let him know what he has done is unacceptable and that you won't tolerate it again or bail him out. Are the credit cards in his name?

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 15:02

Swankyswishing that really strikes a cord, I don't spend but equally I go along with it when he does.

The thing is if I thought kicking him out would accomplish anything I would, but the debt will still be there, nothing will change and the alternative is checking his every bloody move financially.

I worked out this could be paid back in 5 years.

If he gets a loan it will be secured on the house, the last thing I want is to start doing that which i believe he's entitled to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 15:03

The credit cards are all in his name

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2011 15:04

Free gambling sites, OP? How could they be, what would be the point?

Your post gives me chills... my father was a gambler, almost lost my mum the house with four small children.

You need to take control of the money; get a small car, the most economical to run and let him use that for work. He needs to take food from home for lunch, no more money. He also needs to contact Gamblers' Anonymous and stop 'free gambling' because that's not helping.

He needs to make the decision to put this family first, not his own selfish wants. Tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn't.

Best of luck, OP, not easy at all. I wish you well.

Swankyswishing · 30/10/2011 15:05

If the house is in both your names then he won't be able to get a secured loan unless you give consent too, unless he acts fraudulently.

sarahtigh · 30/10/2011 15:06

first to keep your mortgage safe get yuor salary paid into an account in your name only which pays all the major bills so his new salary pays food petrol etc not equal I know but safe, take his cards well he should give them to you, he must live on cash

a.] so he does not overspend
b.] he can learn to use real money for stuff
c.] re-learn budgetting and hence over a long period your trust back

have you any friends that know a bit about cars, so they could help you buy at auction private sale, someone that knows where to look for rust etc, would know how to do a test drive rev engine to look for smoke underneath etc, we picked up a diesel kangoo on 55 plates for £2000, it had done 100,000 miles but high mileage in a few years can be fine, you should get a decent enough car for under £2000 it is economical about 55mpg so his commute of 60 miles would be cheaper

personally i think he just has to give up gambling full stop free or not, he may be a little depressed so short term anti-depressants may help to but that's a medical decision not a MN one

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 15:10

Bus is an 1 hour 50 mins trip out and then 2 miles to the next village along, and I work full time - there's no fat to trim in this regarding the time it takes to drop the kids off and pick them up.

I'm thinking he's going to have to turn down the job and find another way.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 30/10/2011 15:13

B

susiedaisy · 30/10/2011 15:13

Not sure what happened thereBlush

Swankyswishing · 30/10/2011 15:14

Just make him get an old banger off Ebay or from the local paper for £200 or so, so he can get to the job initially, then he can take it from there and save for a better car.

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 15:16

Thanks so much for this, it really helps to be able to sort this mess out somewhere safe - I think his family and mine would lynch him for this, but I don't think it would be helpful righteous anger only gets you so far!

He has handed me all the cards, and has no issue with his pay going into my own separate account while this debt is outstanding.

My only worry is he is a resourceful bugger, he would be tempted to get me or the kids a surprise or treat and it would start all over again.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2011 15:18

If he does - hand them back/refuse them. The best present he can give you is peace of mind. He can do things for you and the kids that don't cost a bean - let him.

RedHelenB · 30/10/2011 15:20

I suggest if you need a car to get a loan out in your name alone. Cut up all credit cards, work out a budget & let dh's wages pay off the 11,000.

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 15:26

sarahtigh that's really great advice thank you - I do know a guy who could help with a car.

He is fine with being restricted to money only, doesn't have much choice in the matter

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/10/2011 15:28

Anyone in the family got a car he could borrow for a few weeks whilst you can sort out a decent 2nd hand one?

RandomMess · 30/10/2011 15:28

Yep car loan and car in your name!

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 15:41

RandomMess how does that work with insurance? H would be the main driver

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/10/2011 15:43

That's fine you just tell them that you are the owner and registered keeper and he is the main driver.

Anushka11 · 30/10/2011 15:46

I have also been in your situation, oy ExP was also bipolar, which increases the compulsion to spend. We did split up due to a variety of things (abuse,finances etc) 3 yrs ago, I will be paying his debt for the next 5 years still. Make sure you separate finances, do NOT take out a joint loan.
As for transport, I had to commute 45 miles a day on a scooter for years, as was all finances would allow, purchase and insurance and petrol all much cheaper. Just cold in the winter.
Good luck!

DorisIsTheDarkDestroyer · 30/10/2011 16:21

Car wise dh has a toyota aygo ( smae as citroen c1 , peugoet ) as a work car he's got a 57 plate and they're about £3000, they are very fuel efficent (went to london and back on a tank of fuel (from Plymouth)) and tax for the year is £20. They are also group 2 insurance (I think).

You would be better off with something like this than an expensive car with heavier fuel and ongoing motoring costs.

Husband wise, you need to know where you stand, you also need to have full disclosure. Whether you want to or not a full review of you bank accounts is essential it may well be worth getting a credit check done for you both (you can get them free have a look at moneysaving expert). Just to make sure there's nothing he's "forgotten".

Good luck this is a huge betrayal of your trust enough to shake the very roots of your marriage. I the house is in both your names then any debts taken out against it should be signed by you both (I think but I am happy to be corrected).

DorisIsTheDarkDestroyer · 30/10/2011 16:25

You need to make sure that you do not take all the responsibility for sorting out the mess away from him (putting you into a child adult situation where money is concerned). I'm not sure how it can be done but I believe there are ways...

It needs to be joint he can't hide from it and has to accept responsibility when the family can not afford things... not blaming you for holding the purse strings to tightly, and also asking you to shoulder all the stress of the repayments.

Gingefringe · 30/10/2011 16:28

This all sounds horrible for you.
Rather than buy a second hand car why not consider a motorbike or a car-share/lift kind of thing? I think you can look for car shares on gumtree or some local authorities have such schemes.