To take away all of husbands credit cards?

[Timeforabiscuit]

Need an honest response as i'm too confused to tell.

My wage has gone on the mortgage and childcare. His paid for all the rest of the household bills. Around a year ago H started drinking a lot more also started gambling, I saw he wasn't playing free games like I assumed when I saw our joint account was a bit low and looked at what was coming out. I got a very nasty shock but we talked it out, he started counseling for the drinking and stopped the poker sites.

The counseling showed up that a recent promotion was one of the stress triggers for the drinking, so we talked about how he could change jobs but around six months ago he just said he couldn't carry on working so we worked out a budget plan which meant if he handed in his notice we could afford the bills in the worst case scenario of not finding a job and him being the SAHP.

So now husband has been SAHP for four months and finally got a job offer fantastic news!!! Except that we need to buy a car, no problem I say we've been budgeting.....

No we haven't H has been siphoning £11,000 of debt off credit cards. While H has been managing (or lack there of) the household finances he has put every major purchase, computer game, off license visit where I couldn't bloody see it. I feel so bloody cheated and angry at him, bottom line is he can't get any more credit and is looking for a joint loan as a bailout - Joint as in I'm the only one with a job and he needs a car to get to work.

I've surprised myself by not shouting, hysterics - but my fear level is just crippling, all I could say was you're not allowed cards any more and work out a fresh budget on our actual cost of living.

I can't think what else I can do, I know he feels trapped as a SAHP but I honestly don't know what to do or whether taking the cards away will just take away responsibility for cleaning up this mess.

I think he's accepted the responsibility for what he's done, credit rating check is not something I've thought of - and will do, especially to make sure whose rating is pulled through the mud.

He has told me everything, I'm confident on that - I am left feeling that i'll need to start a crack habit to get even on this. I don't think there will be a problem in the short term with changing his habit - but I am wondering long term if he can actually change, it's been going on a long time.

At least I'll know if he starts again he has had one chance.

Thanks for the advice on holding off taking out a joint loan, we can use my credit (presuming I have any) to buy any future assets that can be sold if need be - at least that will insulate me and the kids should it all go south.

You must not (ever) take out a joint loan with this person, or share a bank account or credit card with them, or stand as guarantor. Never take out a second mortgage or you could lose your house. Sorry.

The journey seems quite long, so too far for a bicycle

Used cars are cheaper than you think.

You don't need a modern, shiny one.

The sort of car that is so unfashionable that none of your friends would look at it and say "that's nice" is cheap, for that very reason. So not a supermini or a three-year-old.

An unfashionable, boring, small family saloon is not a popular buy, so it is good value, with not much technology on it to go wrong.

The Japanese brands (even though some are made in the UK) are generally the most reliable. For example DP and I both have Toyoyas. mine has done 180,000 miles (travel to work) and passed its MoT recently with a couple of hundred £ on new suspension bushes. Hers is much younger and lower mileage and has been very trouble free (it's a Corolla, a pensioner's sort of car. Amazingly cheap second hand). Nissan Micras are also very cheap used, small, economical, reiable and very simple.

boards.fool.co.uk/dealing-with-debt-50079.aspx
Can I suggest the "dealing with deb" board on the Motley Fool website are very good for help and financial advice (used to read them a lot when really skint, so as to know what to avoid). The posters on there have helped a lot of people clear debts over the years - might be good for some alternative advice/ reading what people in similar situations have done/ other money saving hints and tips/ etc..

Sorry that should be "dealing with debt"!!!

Don't get a joint loan to clear the cards. If he gets new cards you'll have even higher debts and might not be able to cope. Also, with joint names if he leaves you're liable for everything. I deal with this stuff professionally.

Try the moneysavingexpert debt advice forum, they are very helpful and know their stuff (im over there as an advisor too sometimes but MN is more fun ).

This has happened here also. I have a plan to pay of the debt in the next three years (and the last 2). I have taken over all the finances - I thought I had already done that a few months ago but I found a few thousand racked up on a credit card that I have now got access to. It is so easily done if you just keep putting things on a card and not thinking about it.

In my case, dh is the breadwinner and that held me back from criticising until things escalated to a robust 5 figure sum. I'm not historically good with money myself - but this has really brought me up sharp.

I don't get angry about it - but from here on - the money has to be approved though me. If it's not there - we don't spend it.

Well I've left for work leaving him to work out how to get a car for under £2000 which I'll help with, I've said a joint loan is to much risk and that I don't trust him enough. It's up to him what he does next, I still feel sick but thanks to everyone for the advice - I would have just got a joint loan without it

We drive a lovely 12 year old Audi A6 that we paid ?1500 for. We both work so could afford a brand new car easily but don't believe in car loans, or buying new (the depreciation!) so it is more than feasible.

Yes, never take out a joint loan because, if he reneges on that, you will also be liable and as a previous poster said, it could finish up with your losing everything including your house.

This organisation are fab - they are non judgemental and will help you look at the bigger picture as a family. They can arrange free debt management if that is needed.

www.capdebthelp.org/en_GB/home

Another recomendation here for the motley fool site the living below your means board also has some advice. If you look through the history on the dealing with debt board you will see that you are nit the first person to be in this sort of situation and if you post yourself they will have lots of helpfull advice.
boards.fool.co.uk/dealing-with-debt-50079.aspx

you need to check your bank statements every morning. I had similar and i set out a spreadsheet that i fill in every day with what i spend and compare it against bank statement every day. If there is one transaction i dont know about, I query it. That way you can stay on top of it.

Obviously if he has secret cards, thats another issue

I use Microsoft Money. You can download the statement data from banks and most credit card co.s, and it will populate your file with date, cheque number, amount and (for cards and direct debits) payee name. I think they will probably download on XLS format from some, if you are a spreadsheet enthusiast.

MSM has been taken off the UK market now, but there are probably other home accounting packages that people like.

Rather than a car, what about a scooter? They have amazing fuel consumption compared to a car, so running costs would be lower. I'd presume insurance would be cheaper too.

what's happening with his drinking - you mention some of the credit card debts were due to off licence purchases?

Road scooter! For a few £100.

Hi

Sorry to hear all this. However you need to have a clear mind. And you are NOT alone.

1. I agree about the cards. Cut them up give him a budget.
2. Make him realise that this debt (on what exactly? I am not sure) is going to, in the long run literally take the food from his kids' mouths. Tell him to remember this, next time he is tempted.
3. Any debt really.. will be a joint one in terms of family finances. It will come out of your "household" income, surely. You do need him in theory to man up and take responsibility for it all, even if it means that he has to miss out.
4. The sad truth is, that worse case scenario and I am sure those of us who have been through a divorce will know, it don't mean a thing whose debt it is in real terms. If the debt was run up for your DH's motorbikes and cars (in my case it was and it was £20,000) it still comes out of the diminishing pot that is shared if you split.
5. Try and have a chat with someone at CAB. They can point you in the right direction with budgets, action plans and support groups. I would not advocate trying to reduce you outoings by extending your mortgage.

Good luck and well done for having the courage at last, to speak out.

Ha ha I am sorely tempted by the road scooter! We have a candidate for an ugly on the outside car for 800. Apparently private buying is the way to go around here. We are NOT getting a shiny one until we can AFFORD a shiny one

I've started jam jar management of the money and we sat down and put our weekly shop on a spreadsheet.

He's cancelled the joint loan application we were "investigating" so he did actually listen.

The drinking , I never expect him to stop but he goes into a man cave periodically and just drinks cans until they are all gone doesn't matter how many. It only got to a scary level when he was doing it night after night then he went to the counselling - now its peaks and troughs but we're both more sensitive to it so the bouts aren't as dramatic

OP, my partner did a similar thing and kept me in the dark but for a much larger amount than you are talking about. I went through a lot of emotions - disbelief, anger, frustration, feeling sorry for myself. I think you have to decide whether you want to stick by him with this or not. If the answer is yes, yu have to forgive and not harbour resentment as it will eat your relationship up. What he has done is stupid, he sounds remorseful and I think as long as he has learnt his lesson and doesn't continue, you can work with this and pay it off. Yes, you will have to budget but it is amazing how you live to your means. We have been paying off my partners debt for nearly 4 years now and are really getting there. I wouldn't have wanted him to have done it (and kept it from me) but as time has gone on I have realised his reasons - pride, shame etc. In a funny sort of way it has bought us closer together and I know he would never do it again. He truly has learnt the hard way.

Have you been on moneysavingexpert.com? It is a really good website with loads of tips on paying back debt as quickly as possible and a very supportive forum of people in debt/who have been.

Also, you could try citizens advice for some advice? I suggest getting it all on a spreadsheet so you have infront of you what you are dealing with and prioritising which to pay off first (obviously mortgage etc as a prioroty, but then highest apr debts and leaving anything 0% to minimum payments - it's called snowballing and does pay off debts quicker).

Maybe you could write your partner a letter and sit down with him whilst he reads it as I think you really need him to understand your point of view so you can move on from this. Maybe he could do the same for you.

Keep your chin up : - )

I'll ask then seeing as no one else has.

Where do you think the money was coming from for treats? Did you think he was picking it off a tree? Fairies were leaving it under his pillow?

Seriously sorry but you knew he wasnt earning, or how much he was earning yet you never wondered where all these treats and days out were coming from.

Did you hide secretly knowing it was accruing debt?

YOu need to take some responsibility here if he has only spent £700 on gambling where the fuck has the rest gone?

I did say I sleep walked along with it, I could have pushed much harder for how these things were being paid for. In truth he was earning around 10,000 more a year than me and the "extras" we're in line with that. We are not extravagant but when the computer monitor broke, we got an online deal on the credit card. DVDs and games are always part exchanged but you always spend. I received a gift for an eighty pound watch that I was absolutely overjoyed with because it was exactly what I wished for and I thought it didn't exist my spec was so exacting. I really just felt taken care of and I trusted him

While he wasn't working I thought we were budgeting, switched supermarkets, shopped in charity shops, packed lunches. Without child care my income looked fine and kept pace with what I thought our outgoings were

Thanks munkeychops - we've been through much tighter times than these (but with fewer mouths!) but it's good to hear people can work through it

So sorry to read this, my DH did something pretty similar and its a sickener, I know exactly how you feel when you say you are shaking as you type.

Like you I felt that my marriage and my DS's family was worth more than the money and I've decided to stay with him. We're a few months down the line now and its still hard but its getting there.

One of the first things I did was get him to tell me all that he owed and where he owed it, with the condition that if he hid anything or lied I'd leave him. Then I did a credit check on him ( I used Experian) as everything shows up there. I've also got access to his bank account and I've told him I check it randomly.

One of the best things we did was to go and see the Citizens Advice Bureau, they were really helpful, both in helping us to find ways to pay off the debt that we could afford and in suggesting ways to protect me and DS from creditors etc.