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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paying for friends second hand clothes

106 replies

olliesmom · 29/10/2011 15:42

I always give my children's old clothes to charity or pass them onto friends who have children. One friend has just come round with some clothes she thought that I might like for my new baby, I was getting excited and started searching through the bags but then she started asking for £10 a bag. AIBU in feeling upset about this or am I silly for all these years giving my clothes away when I could of been making some money??

OP posts:
EllaDee · 29/10/2011 22:06

Grin Yes, I got that don't worry!

This thread has been a real eye-opener to me. Most of my mates are students and chronically short of money, but we know to be really honest about stuff up front and don't expect mates to take the trash at a premium price! In fact I would only charge a mate because most of people don't like to feel we're being given charity, so you say 'buy me a coffee and we're even' or whatever.

onepieceofcremeegg · 29/10/2011 22:06

Communication is always the key in this type of situation.

I would feel awkward trying to sell to friends; also we have been very fortunate in that people have freely given lovely stuff to us in the past, so we try to pay it forward.

I always check with the person, whether giving or receiving.

If giving, I always say that I don't want the item back, and if it doesn't suit then the recipient is to please pass it on/charity shop/do what they will with it.

Even if I hoped for an item back and said so(e.g. a sling or expensive item) in my head I would kind of write it off as some people forget/lose stuff/damage stuff etc.

mjlovesscareypants · 29/10/2011 22:06

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mjlovesscareypants · 29/10/2011 22:08

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lisad123 · 29/10/2011 22:09

when i sort out dds clothes i do a number of things. I take bags to my sisters (between me and sister 2 we have 6 girls), dd2 is my last child. Anything boden wise ect she buys from me, others she doesnt buy if not worth much, then i take bags back and sort two piles. One for friend who's dd is year younger, and one for charity shop. Im not keeping anything now :(

scottishmummy · 29/10/2011 22:17

If it was stuff with resale value I can see pal may want recoup,but she should have been explicit she was expecting financial transaction and given you clear choice

Pal isn't wrong to sell,just she should have been clear to you

pigletmania · 29/10/2011 22:26

Or best still try and sell on E bay

serin · 29/10/2011 22:29

Flipping heck, she's not much of a friend really is she?

I have always given clothes away and have often been given a bottle of wine or chocolates as a thank you but I have never expected anything.

nailak · 29/10/2011 22:47

but aibu to think when you pass somethin on to someone, ie sling, moses basket, bouncer etc, that when they see you are pregnant again, and their baby is now too old for it, it is common sense to return it, when it is just sitting in your cupboard?

scottishmummy · 29/10/2011 23:20

Expect stuff back don't give it then
Yes I got Moses baskets,didn't store em up just in case at undefined time the giver got up duff.and conversely I gave car seats,prams but didn't expect to
Be given back

Soups · 30/10/2011 00:24

She should have said upfront that she was selling them and would you like to look first. It puts someone in an difficult situation to declare the need for payment later.

I've always given stuff away and not expected any money. I've never brought expensive clothes for my children, and buy as few as possible. My theory is that they're either too stained or battered by the time they've grown out of them to sell. If they're still OK I'll give them away. I'm far too lazy to work out the second hand price of that item from the multi pack of vests that survived.

I have a friend who buys lots of nice stuff, often in sales + second hand from ebay, for her children. By the time she's done with them they're not so worn, + better cared for than my kids clothes. They still have some monetary value and she has the inclination to ebay, with the proceeds she buys their next lot. It's what she does and it works for her. She has never said to me here's some clothes, then suggested payment half way through the social transaction.

People should be upfront, if you give something to someone, then you have GIVEN it. If you want money then you're SELLING. If you want something back they say you are LOANING. Whenever I've given something I tell them once you're finished with it and it's in good condition, pass it on. I've been stung in the past, I was "given" loads of baby clothes. I kept them as we wanted another baby. Years later, 2nd baby was a toddler, then I get demands to return a treasured item of newborn clothing [hconfused]. I had no idea what had happened to it, it was important to them, only another babygro to me!

When dishing things out, be upfront in your expectations.

TheHandThatRocksTheCradle · 30/10/2011 00:43

OP - I really think you should call your 'friend' and ask for a refund because, on closer inspection, the clothes aren't exactly what you were looking for and you only bought them because you were put on the spot.

She shouldn't be offended as she must have a hide as thick as a rhino to try and pull this stunt in the first place! Shock

saitek · 30/10/2011 00:55

yanbu every bit of baby items i have passed on...from clothes to prams to cots.

desnatada · 30/10/2011 01:42

One of my friends has had no end of things donated to her by myself and other friends. Recently I was really annoyed because I said I needed to buy something for my son for a holiday and she thought it was a hint (it wasn't) and in a very offhand tone reluctantly offered to lend me something she had received second hand and told me I had to look after it and she wanted it back straight away! I was really annoyed because I really have given her a lot of things. There and then I decided that one way street was over. She has in the past asked me to lend her things and I am still waiting for them to be returned.

I've learn't that if someone is generous with us, then I am doubly generous back. Some people really do expect people to give them things for free but would never dream of giving things back the same way. Usually these are the people with the most money too. One of my friends sent round an email asking all her friends if we had a car seat we could give her for free! This woman and her husband own 8 houses and flats round the world and she is always complaining that she cannot afford this or that - so sell one of your houses then!!!!!!!

desnatada · 30/10/2011 01:47

Lovechoc
There's a saying that one mum I know uses - "Give to the needy not the greedy."

I really like that phrase. I am going to keep that in mind from now on.

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 30/10/2011 01:37

I think give, lend and sell are all perfectly fine, but you have to make your expectations clear at the beginning, and not put people on the spot like the OP's friend has done.

I've had a variety of second hand things for DS (some I bought, some were loans and some just given) and similarly I have lent a few things out to close friends, but made it clear that I want them back for DC2. I just keep a spreadsheet of who's got what, and what I've had as loans (yes, I am a geek)

Once DC2 has used them, I'll probably sell the bigger ticket items (Jumperoo etc) and give the rest away. The children's home here always like to get clothes/toys/cot bedding etc.

frutilla · 30/10/2011 02:18

YANBU....a shitty thing to do. She waited till you had shown interest and then you felt you had to pay rather than embarass yoruself by giving the clothes back. She should have made it clear before showing you the stuff....

etyksm · 30/10/2011 03:51

We had a variety of things given and Lent to us for DS1. The majority were lends from 2 friends in different circles, both were clear they were lends. We have now borrowed them again for DS2, in the meantime they have both been borrowed by other mutual friends who we have also lent stuff too, and have now lent us their stuff as well! All of us are of the opinion that we would rather it was used than taking up storage space :-)

We have also had stuff given toys by a colleague who has said she doesn't want it back and when asked again (as we have now finished with it) suggested we could sell it on and keep the money. We however feel that as people have been so generous with us we would like to keep it going so will be passing it on in turn.

What goes around comes around as they say :-)

Swankyswishing · 30/10/2011 06:35

I would have said "Well in that case you're going to have to take the bags home with you as I can't afford that right now", even if I could afford it, just to make a point to the grabby cow. Then I would ditch her as a friend. She sounds very stingy and not a nice person given how she has gone about it all. Fair enough if she wanted to sell the clothes but the way she has gone about it is horrible, unkind, and backed you into a corner.

An acquaintance on my FB friends list is constantly trying to sell tat her kids have grown out of on Facebook. And it literally is tat. She'll post a picture of a tatty old pair of Clarks Doodles shoes on her FB page and then say "Would normally ask £1 for these, but for anyone on my friends list 50p". Why the heck someone would go to the hassle of taking a photo and uploading something they only want 50p for anyway is beyond me, let alone a dirty, sweaty secondhand pair of shoes. She tries to sell anything and everything. Some people clearly think their outgrown, used crap is worth more than other peoples' outgrown, used crap!

Swankyswishing · 30/10/2011 06:38

Also, those of you that talk about lending things and swapping things constantly around groups of friends, and then getting them back 5 years later for your third baby to use or whatever, doesn't the stuff get really tatty and old-looking after being used for so many children? I'm all for passing clothes on but after a certain time all clothing looks old and dated, I'm not sure I'd want to use clothes that had been worn by 15 other kids over a period of 10 years.

spookygarlic · 30/10/2011 06:47

When I have clothes to pass on then I give them away, if there is something bigger that I am getting rid of then I will offer it to a friend but will say upfront that I am selling the X,Y,Z and would she like it for her children? Then she can say no and I just stick it in the paper - I don't do it with small things but I did it with the bikes and other similar stuff.

pigletmania · 30/10/2011 08:37

desnata what a cheek. I would have sent her an e mail saying that no you haven't and surely you can afford a car seat.

MadBanners · 30/10/2011 09:26

I have given away a baby den thingy, a jumperoo, bumboo seat, bags and bags of girl clothes to a friend, and expected nothing but a thank you!

Have also just given away the high chair to other friends....

it helps me get it out of the house, as I am too lazy to ebay stuff tbh.

On the other hand, I have received lots of stuff from friends, my sister, and a neighbour of my sil, who has a boy 6 months older than mine. I have offered money each time, but it has been refused! We even received a cabin bed in this way, which we have yet to assemble as we have not got round to getting a mattress.Actually, all I was asked for by the neighbour of sil, was a picture of my ds in a certain pair of pyjamas that had been her ds favourite, and her ds wanted a picture to assure himself they would be worn and loved!

They probably think the same as me, it is an easy way of getting stuff you no longer use out of your house.

It would never occur to me to ask for stuff back, I have no intention of having more children, but if I did, if they offered my stuff back I would gladly take it, but otherwise just buy new stuff again!

4madboys · 30/10/2011 09:34

i have given loads away but i have also sold some, esp dd's stuff, boden, gap etc, but i make it clear i am selling it and that i am simply offering my friends first dibs if they are interested, thats the polite way isnt it? :)

4madboys · 30/10/2011 09:36

oh and i have lent stuff to people, a few of my friends have had a sort of ongoing swap with baby clothes etc and many have been worn by upwards of 7 babies! its lovely that we all do this, esp as when they are little they grow out of things so quickly that they are hardly one, one snowsuit was worn by 3 of my friends kids, 3 of mine and 2 of anothers and has now gone to my sister who is expecting her first, its unisex and still looks as good as new :)