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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

paying for friends second hand clothes

106 replies

olliesmom · 29/10/2011 15:42

I always give my children's old clothes to charity or pass them onto friends who have children. One friend has just come round with some clothes she thought that I might like for my new baby, I was getting excited and started searching through the bags but then she started asking for £10 a bag. AIBU in feeling upset about this or am I silly for all these years giving my clothes away when I could of been making some money??

OP posts:

lostlady · 29/10/2011 17:00

YANBU. In my view, you give clothes to friends; sell on eBay. I would have been v taken aback.

Concordia · 29/10/2011 17:04

I always ask if people will ever want them back when i accept clothes, to avoid that problem people have described. even if i'm sure they are giving not lending them to me, its wise to check.
have never paid, or asked for money, for handed over clothes from friends. i thought that was how it works. if i have wnated money for them i have sold them but not to friends. have sold and bought plenty second hand from / to people i don't know.

CitizenOscar · 29/10/2011 17:06

I wouldn't charge friends and if I wanted things back when they were finished I'd make it clear: "would you like to borrow these..?"

I would usually offer things back (eg bigger items, slings etc, or maternity clothes), depending on how they were offered to me. And I'd not be offended if people asked for things back.

SaffronCake · 29/10/2011 17:10

If you were upset at the whole idea of selling rather than giving then that would be unreasonable, some of us honestly need the money. She was wrong not to be clear from the outset that she was looking to sell though. If you are upset at having been led on then YANBU, I would be too (and I am a seller myself).

All stealth selling is sneaky and horrible, just like PPI on loans when you don't want it. There are loads of laws trying to curb various forms of stealth selling by businesses because it's so widely perceived to be unfair. Stealth selling by friends is as unfair, although probably clumsy of her rather than calculated.

MenopausalHaze · 29/10/2011 17:11

I can't imagine any friend of mine doing a thing like this and I also can't imagine NOT telling them to fuck the fuck off if they tried it! Why don't people speak up for themselves - especially if you can't afford it!

SaffronCake · 29/10/2011 17:13

I take that back, I just noticed you said she's in business. She's not clumsy at all then, she was calculated. I'd dump her as a "friend". I don't need "friends" ho try to trick me thanks. £20 was cheap to get rid of someone so valueless.

SaffronCake · 29/10/2011 17:13

*who not ho

Bunbaker · 29/10/2011 17:13

I would have said something like "Oh I didn't realise you wanted to sell them, perhaps you could have made that clear when you offered them to me"

If I give clothes to friends I don't expect them back, nor do I expect any money for them.

Clawdy · 29/10/2011 17:31

I once called round at a friend's with my ten month old daughter. Her six year old was playing with a doll which was dressed in the most exquisite French baby clothes which had been hers. My friend said "These clothes would fit Ellie,wouldn't they?" When I agreed (nodding eagerly!) she said "Well,when you go on holiday in June,remind me and you can borrow them for the week." Needless to say,I didn't.

pigletmania · 29/10/2011 17:32

squitch what a nasty women, obviously not a good friend at all. If people want paying cant they say upfront, if they want things back can't they say my goodness, there is nowt as queer as folk! I have a lovely friend, and I mean a true friend who has 2 kids and does not want anymore, she is almost 50 anyway, however I get oodles and oodles of clothes for dd and things because her dd who is older has outgrown them. I always offer money which she refuses, and instead buy her wine, flowers and choccies as a thank you.

pigletmania · 29/10/2011 17:32

I can't imagine her being sneaky and horrid, she is just so lovely.

EllaDee · 29/10/2011 17:39

My neighbour tried this once. She had a hideous size 16 M&S dress made of polyester (I'm about a size 10 in M&S and was quite peed off about that), she said she couldn't wear it but wanted to get rid of it and could I take it? I said something about it not being my style and she insisted it'd look lovely, then said 'and it'll only be 30 quid because half price is fair when it's second hand'.

I was speechless. She's a nice neighbour, apart from that!

countessbabycham · 29/10/2011 17:43

FFS What is wrong with that lovely warm feeling when you're able to pass things on for someone else to enjoy/benefit from?Why do some people always have to think in pound notes?Why does something always have to have a pay off for some? Makes me bloody cross it does...

ThePathanKhansWitch · 29/10/2011 18:00

Lawdy Miss Clawdy , you couldn't make it up could you?!

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 29/10/2011 18:05

Nothing wrong with selling baby clothes but she should have made it clear.

I give mine away or sell them on ebay.

Personally I wouldnt charge friends but I dont think there is anything wrong with doing so.

Specially if you were hard up or saving for something.

She sounds a bit sneaky though. Making it hard for you to refuse.

Floggingmolly · 29/10/2011 18:05

She's a tight cow! I always give mine away, but if I was going to charge I'd make sure to make it known in advance, instead of putting someone on the spot. You should have told her you didn't like any of them, sod any embarrassment, she's obviously got the hide of a rhino.

JoJoMummy321 · 29/10/2011 18:10

I tend to sell certain things on e-bay, so Mini Boden or anything like that and I give the rest away to friends or charity shops. I wouldn't dream of asking a friend for money. If I think it's worth selling, and sometimes things are, then I use ebay.

Some people just don't realise how strange they can come accross somtimes!

DramaLdn · 29/10/2011 18:11

you are not ... i would never expect to pay for second hand clothes from friends, i gave all my clothes to friends and have accepted in return clothes from friends without having or being expected to pay.
i hv two girls and two steps kids .... we are forever clearing the kids wardrobe and pass it on to friends or charity / or freecycle.
have you thought of checking out freecycle web site? lots people offer stuff for free as long you go and pick these up.

FetchezLaVampire · 29/10/2011 18:12

My best friend's Grandma used to do this! She'd get my BF and her sister on their own when she came to stay over Christmas, foist hideous old-lady shoes, handbags etc onto them and then tell them to "run and ask your mother for five pounds for it".

...YANBU. I don't understand how anyone could have the brass neck to do this, which is probably why I am poor and your "friend" is rich (as, indeed, is my best friend's Grandma).

dramatrauma · 29/10/2011 18:15

And if someone gives you clothes/baby equipment/whatever, it's yours to keep and pass on unless you specifically agree otherwise. It is NOT okay to come back 2 years later and say, hey, you know those blue 6-9 month trousers I 'lent' you...?

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 29/10/2011 18:21

am with the club of people saying she should ahve said they were for sale BEFORE bringing them round.

I've offered money for items given to me by a friend recently (a flipping maxi cosi car seat for goodness sake) and she's refused, so I'll get her something as a gift to say thankyou and will make sure it gets back to her once I'm done so she can at least sell it on.

I have friends who are strapped for cash who've given me stuff and I've offered to pay, but normally they say give us back the stuff we can sell on once you're done (last pregnancy one friend lent me a car seat, steriliser, bumbo and baby gym, all of which I gave back)

I give my stuff to friends or charity shops - if there's anything I would want paying for or to have back I would be transparent as the offer was made.

Rather honest, nice and generous than rich by stealth!!

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 29/10/2011 18:23

oh - and said friend who's just given me her car seat, she had a girl first then a boy, I have a boy and about to have a girl so I've made sure she's had most of the nicer handmedowns from my son for hers seeing as she's been so generous with her handmedowns, and have done the same for another friend in the same situation (thankfully they're boys are totally different sizes so I've been able to divvy up my stuff between them fairly!)

iggi999 · 29/10/2011 18:48

What an arse. No way should someone ask for the same money as if ebaying, ebaying in itself is a lot of hassle with photographing and posting, and getting a mug friend to pay you is easy money. Now a buggy or similar you might ask for money for, but not clothes.

notcitrus · 29/10/2011 19:01

What an odd woman!
I've received shedloads of stuff from ILs, friends and neighbours and they've always claimed I'm doing them a favour by getting the stuff out of their houses (admittedly sometimes they're right!), and would never ask for a penny.

SIL has sometimes specified which stuff she'd like back when I'm done with it, but the gift is always on the understanding that baby clothes and kit may well not survive to be returned! I have a bag of clothes and nappies to give to a friend and will ask for one pair of trousers and the nappies back for my dc2 in due course, if they are still wearable by then. What goes around comes around (especially with some baby kit that has gone through about 6 people I know!)

Selling clothes is a huge pain - the fact that I know this from experience may be why no-one tries claiming they deserve money!

gilmoregirl · 29/10/2011 19:25

YANBU I thnk that if she was planning to sell the items to you this should have been made clear at the start. Very different. You would not necessarily want to buy ALL of the items in the big bag, whereas if she was giving them to you you'd just accept the whole lot.

I give away some of DS stuff, but the majority of it I sell on at NCT sales. Any stuff that is not in good condition I would give to a charity shop (if if was ok but just not great - mind you I have seen lots of pretty scaffy looking stuff for sale in charity shops that is not cheap so who knows?)

My friends are all much better of financially than I am (am only single parent) and they have tons of family who buy them stuff so I feel that it makes more sense for me to sell stuff on and then buy DS new stuff (mostly charity shop and sales) with the money.

If someone particularly liked something DS had I would happily give it to them though, would not tend to sell to a friend unless it was something big like a buggy then I would make it clear that I was selling it to them.

I made the mistake of handing over my maternity clothes to ExP's sister. My understanding was that it was a loan (they were good quality things mostly from jojomaman bebe). Was v surprised when she did not return them - when I asked for them back to lend to my sister who was pregnant she said she'd chucked them all out! Perhaps was my fault that I did not make it clear I was lending them to her but one item was a coat so hardly disposable. Still annoys me now actually otherwise most of those things would have been passed around still - I have a pregnant friend who needs a coat now...

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