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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When one person's beliefs start to effect everyone else

69 replies

MiniMegs · 29/10/2011 14:29

Sorry for name change but sensitive subject.

Basically I have a group of friends, mainly female but also 4 males. We were trying to organise a night out for Christmas but one of our friend's is muslim so can't go in pubs. Not a problem - we therefore arranged it so that we went for a meal first (so she could come) and then drinks later (when she would go home). We were all happy with this. However now she's saying she doesn't want the blokes invited and wants it to be girl's only. This is akward because the guys think they're coming and are looking forward to the meal. So now we either tell the guys they can't come to the meal or we tell her the guys are coming and she can decide what she wants to do. I feel awful either way.
Another thing is that the resteraunt we were going to (and were looking forward to) she is now saying we can't go as her family live near there and she wants to go to one at the other end of the city instead (which is awkward again as us drinkers won't be able to drive!!).

So what do you do?? I care for this particular friend a lot but this is really starting to effect the group as a whole now Sad

OP posts:
Lucyinthepie · 29/10/2011 14:31

You've invited her on a night out that is planned with a group of friends. If she can't make this one then let her know that next time you'll consider a different location, but this time you'll stick with the event that is already arranged.

worraliberty · 29/10/2011 14:32

Why can't she go in to pubs? Confused

Personally I'd tell her the night is for everyone and no-one's going to be bending over backwards for one person.

I'm sure if she thinks it through, she'll see how unreasonable she's being to expect everyone to change things around to suit her.

eaglewings · 29/10/2011 14:33

Difficult one
I'd say go ahead with the plans you have already made, she can make up her own mind if she joins you or not
AND
Have a smaller all girls gathering in her choice of venue in January when more of you will not be drinking due to New Year resolutions.
I say this not knowing if there are any Muslim festivals in January that would prevent her from celebrating Blush

cantspel · 29/10/2011 14:34

Tell her what has been arranged and then leave it for her to decide if she comes or not.

It would be unfair on everyone else to rearrange or exclude anyone now.

MoaninMinny · 29/10/2011 14:35

has she not socialised with the men before? has she not been in the pubs/clubs before?

i wouldnt pander to be honest. if she doesnt like the arrangements, she doesnt have to go. Surely its whats convenient for the majority

BluddyMoFo · 29/10/2011 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exexpat · 29/10/2011 14:35

She is being unreasonable. Is she a recent convert? If not, why didn't she specify the no men/out of the way restaurant etc to start with? Changing the ground rules after the event has been planned and people invited is just not on.

I don't think one person can dictate to a larger group exactly how their evening out should go, unless it is their birthday or other special event, or if they have some particular need, like disabled access.

If sticking to the original plan means she won't come, but you want to stay friends with her, maybe arrange a girls-only evening somewhere she approves of as a new year thing?

Original poster
MiniMegs · 29/10/2011 14:36

What is bothering me (apart from the inconvenience to myself) is that the rest of the group are starting to feel it's more hassle than it's worth inviting her to anything. They're already planning NYE when she's not around as it makes things "akward" to invite her. I don't want her left out all the time but I'm torn.

OP posts:
eaglewings · 29/10/2011 14:36

Just thought, is it her values that are preventing her joining you or her parents expectations? It must be difficult having restrictions on your social time due to your faith when you have friends who do not share your faith.

perfumedlife · 29/10/2011 14:37

Why on earth does the restaurant's proximity to her family make any difference?

She is making far too many stipulations. Have the night you planned, if it doesn't suit her she can come on another girls only, restaurant miles away from family night. The majority needs to be considered in a night out.

FabbyChic · 29/10/2011 14:38

Go for a meal with her yourself then just the two of you, seriously this is 2011 I don't care what religion she is she works with men doesn't she?

Stick to the arrangements she will either come or not.

Original poster
MiniMegs · 29/10/2011 14:38

Sorry crossed posts. She has been in pubs before (only last week we went for lunch in a pub) but she said it's "different" on an evening. Not sure why? also the guys in the group are her friends too! she just thinks it's different to socialise with them "out" of work.

She isn't celebrating christmas really, she's kind of celebrating the time of year with us (like I do I suppose, I'm not a Christian but still celebrate).

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 29/10/2011 14:38

Does she really want to go out with you?? I say this coming from a family where certain people (SIL) keep on putting obstacles in the way of doing things, usually because it is easier than actually saying they don't want to make it in the first place ...

Make your plans to suit the majority and let her make her own mind up as to what (if anything) she wants to do. Also it is a CHRISTMAS outing - maybe that is the main objection ...

DownbytheRiverside · 29/10/2011 14:39

Stick to your original plan, get her to organise the next evening out.
Then she can set the rules as she likes and you get to be the one deciding if you want to go.
The guys need to be included now they've been invited, if her rules are so strict then she should have been clear about the limits right at the beginning. All of them.

figgygal · 29/10/2011 14:39

Tell her thats the plan and she is welcome if she doesn't feel she can cone she can make arrangements for own evening inviting who she likes/where she likes another day. I have awkward friends just like it and have spent years arranging things around them do know how awkward it is.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 29/10/2011 14:41

Leave the self-obsessed whinyarse out of plans till she's learned some manners. Her superstitions are not everyone else's problem. Plenty of Muslims are capable of socialising in pubs - they just don't drink any alcohol themselves.

And the fact that this woman thinks that the group can exclude other people because of her superstitions means she really isn't a good friend, so stop fretting about her.

worraliberty · 29/10/2011 14:42

I understand how you don't want her left out of things but I don't blame the others planning New Year's Eve without her. They may as well plan their own thing and ask her if she wants to attend (she doesn't have to)

But you not wanting her left out of things is neither here nor there if she insists on being so awkward.

Why don't you go out with her alone?

DownbytheRiverside · 29/10/2011 14:42

' the rest of the group are starting to feel it's more hassle than it's worth inviting her to anything.'

That is what will happen, do you think she is aware of the possibility?

saintlyjimjams · 29/10/2011 14:43

Have the night out and tell her it's up to her whether she wants to go or not. Then organise a girls night out sometime which people are free to attend ir not. You can't organise everything around one person. If she wants something that specific she can organise and invite.

Original poster
MiniMegs · 29/10/2011 14:45

What gets me is that she's so hypocritical about it all. She regular invites the guys to sit with us at lunch etc at work, has been out in a pub on a night with me before (last year) she just doesn't drink so I don't get why she's being so awkward. It's not because of the Christmas connection because her family "Kind of" celebrate it anyway (not with the tree and decorations etc but they exchange gifts and have a big family meal on the day).

I just don't know what's up with her lately.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 29/10/2011 14:47

I wouldn't even organise a girl's night out (unless I personally wanted one)

If she wants a girl's night out she should arrange one herself instead of expecting other's to chop and change their plans for her.

I actually think this has nothing to do with her being Muslim and everything to do with her being a spoilt Princess.

IsItMeOr · 29/10/2011 14:53

You sound like a lovely person, but I would have to say that I think your friend has lost the plot.

As you seem to think it's getting worse lately, I would suggest you have a quiet word with her about whether there's something specific bothering her. Being kind, I suppose she just might conceivably have had a bad experience in a pub at night since she last went to one with you, and just conceivably might have had a bad experience with one of your male friends. But doesn't know how to tell anybody about it?

Alternatively, she's completely self-absorbed...

HowlingWereWolfBitch · 29/10/2011 14:55

I agree with worra. She seems to be using her religion as a means to get her own way don't pander to her.

A simple "Sorry but everything has already arranged" is all you need to say.

Original poster
MiniMegs · 29/10/2011 14:56

I know she was concerned about her husband seeing photos of her with other men on facebook but we even implemented a "no photos" rule for that.

I sometimes worry that maybe all is not well at home but she seems really happy apart 99% of the time and I have met her husband and he seems lovely (but I suppose they always do!).

OP posts:
QOD · 29/10/2011 14:56

I have a work colleague who is a Jehova Witness, luckily, she is also adult enough to just say - you do Christmas do's how, where and when you want, I just don't get involved.
She will come on ANY other event - I think your friend is being a bit hypocritical. If she can't go to pubs or out with men for cultural reasons, surely she shouldn't be going out on what you are calling a Christmas meal/event