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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

competitive parenting

57 replies

wantanewname · 28/10/2011 23:58

I've got a good friend, she's a godparent to my daughter and a good mum to 4 kids but it feels like she is often trying to compete and I don't know what to do!

For example, my DS has struggled a bit at school and so is about to start with explore learning, which may be good for him. He enjoyed the trial session but if he doesn't like it, he'll stop. She knows he is struggling a bit and I'm not trying to compete with her but when I mentioned it she said, 'Oh my xxx doesn't need that kind of thing, his school is really good, he's in the top sets for everything etc, etc'. 'I think football is the best outside learning they can do, and of course xxx (her DS) is fantastic at football' (She also knows my DS isn't great at sports either.

Then she said, she was upset as she has a bit of a flabby tummy. To be honest she is very slim but does have a bit of a tummy (she's been pregnant 4 times so it's not surprising really). and that people at work had asked if she was pregnant a few times. I sympathised but then she said, 'well you've got a bit of a flabby tummy too!' (I know I have btw but wasn't looking to run myself down at that time!

I put this in relationships but wondered if I am just being over sensitive?

OP posts:
Original poster
wantanewname · 28/10/2011 23:58

.

OP posts:
ouryve · 28/10/2011 23:59

,

Tommy · 29/10/2011 00:00

she sounds a bit insecure herself TBH

Swankyswishing · 29/10/2011 00:00

Nope, she sounds like a bitch who has based her friendship with you on put-down comments and feeling superior to you. I would ditch her, or at least have as little to do with her as possible. When she makes her nasty little comments, smile sweetly and remind yourself that it's because she's insecure and not a nice person, and let her get on with it.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 29/10/2011 00:00

Wow at 20 seconds bump.

Shock Grin
ChaosTrulyReigns · 29/10/2011 00:02

I think I would have to analyse whether she is doing it without realising, or doing it deliberately to put you down.

And then work on a strategy based on that.

Smile
Original poster
wantanewname · 29/10/2011 00:04

I know I shouldn't have bumped it straight away. I don't think she's a bitch btw, I think she is insecure but it is tiring - I want to be able to be honest with my friends and not have to start proving my son's as good as xyz as hers etc

OP posts:
Original poster
wantanewname · 29/10/2011 00:06

I thinks she does realise she's doing it but I think it's insecurity. To be honest, I've been quite worried about my son's learning and the explore learning thing is very expensive to me so I wouldn't be doing it otherwise. I'm not trying to hothouse him or anything. Also with regards my body, I know it's not great but I don't need anyone to tell me that!

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slavetofilofax · 29/10/2011 00:07

It sounds like she is feeling insecure with herself and her own parenting. Peopel that are confident in what they are doing and in themselves don't need to put down other people and are happy to share problems or worries and be supportive.

If spending time with this person doesn't make you feel good, then she is not worth being around. Friends should be people that you enjoy being with, that you enjoy talking to and that will be supportive of your worries. They don't boast and try to make you feel bad.

Swankyswishing · 29/10/2011 00:08

But the thing is, you don't have to prove anything to her. I'm sure you love your children as they are. You don't need to get dragged into her competition. People like her are completely thrown by confidence and people that are happy in themselves. Next time she says, for example, her son's school is fantastic, just say "yes it sounds like an excellent school", and change the subject.

If she wants to believe she's so fantastic and better than everyone then let her get on with it, you know the truth Grin

Original poster
wantanewname · 29/10/2011 00:09

I know boasting is really exhausting, it makes you guarded about what you say.

OP posts:
Swankyswishing · 29/10/2011 00:11

Also I would keep conversation quite superficial with her and don't discuss anything in depth. Don't give her any opportunities to get a dig in or feel superior.

Original poster
wantanewname · 29/10/2011 00:12

its true swankyswishing (great name btw). The thing is her son is both sportier and doing better at school than mine. That's fine with me, I just want my son to do a bit better than he is at school at the moment. I think her immediate reaction was she should be doing this for her son, and to prove that she didn't need to.

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Swankyswishing · 29/10/2011 00:16

It sounds as though it's getting into a circle of competing when you meet up with her. She doesn't sound like a nice person and is picking up on your feelings about wanting your son to do better, so is using it to get at you. The only thing you can do if you want to keep meeting up with her is not let her get tp you, whether that is by ignoring her comments and rising above it, reminding yourself that normal, nice people don't act like she is acting, or by reducing contact with her so she has less chance to make them. I just wouldn't get drawn into her competitiveness, because then you will end up feeling deflated and drained each time you see her.

Original poster
wantanewname · 29/10/2011 00:18

I don't want to stop seeing her. I guess I just need to try not to justify my choices. The thing about her/my tummy wasn't very nice but I guess she just felt vulnerable as she'd brought it up and then wanted to turn it around.

OP posts:
Swankyswishing · 29/10/2011 00:21

With regards to the tummy comment I'd have made a bit of a joke "Ouch! That hurt, you cheeky beggar", so that she knows she has upset you and that you're onto the fact she's made a nasty comment, but you've kept it fairly lighthearted so it shouldn't create an atmosphere between you. And absolutely, you don't have to justify your choices to her. Try to make a conscious effort to stop, you will feel empowered by doing it.

Original poster
wantanewname · 29/10/2011 00:25

I think I'll say 'It's not a competition...!' if she starts on about how brilliantly her son is doing again because it really isn't. My son needs (I think) extra help and hers doesn't so there's no need for him to have extra help.

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Swankyswishing · 29/10/2011 00:28

The only thing with saying that is that then she will know she has hit a nerve and will secretly be happy, as it might come across as a bit defensive (not saying you are defensive at all though BTW). People like her love defensiveness as they will then tell themselves you are jealous of them and that you feel inferior to them. It would be far more effective IMO to stop speaking in depth about any problems/issues/serious things in your life, just smile and say "wow that's great" at the things she brags about and try to keep conversation light hearted. If she doesn't think she's getting to you or getting the results she wants she might stop doing it.

Original poster
wantanewname · 29/10/2011 00:32

ok thanks for the advice. I'll try that.

OP posts:
Swankyswishing · 29/10/2011 00:34

You're welcome, let us know how you get on

FannyNil · 29/10/2011 00:41

Say as calmly as you can, 'You make a lot of comparisons between my DC and yours. Mine always come off worst, yours are always superior. When you do that it feels like a put down. For example...... Perhaps you don't realise how soul destroying it is.' If she carries on doing it after that, whether she is insecure or not, perhaps it is time to distance yourself.

MrBloomsNursery · 29/10/2011 01:08

Ugh. That's my SiL you've just described there.

I was told I looked UGLY in photos that were taken of me at a recent wedding. The bitch. When I showed my sister, she said I looked fine. I AM pregnant, so am conscious about my physical appearance at the moment too.

Also, I am always told about how many clever 2/3 year olds she's come across at the place where she works. (My daughter is 3...Hmm). Apparantly there was a 3 year old who could READ a novel and all the big words....My daughter may not be a child prodigy, but at least she's a happy little girl who likes learning.

I have no idea what you can do about your friend. She sounds horrible. :(

HauntyMython · 29/10/2011 03:38

Sympathies, I know parents like this although thankfully they aren't in my close circle of friends, more like acquaintances so I can just roll my eyes and ignore.

Competitive parenting can provide really funny stories, but when it directly involves putting down another child it's just nasty.

HauntedHengshanRoad · 29/10/2011 06:06

Why are you even friends with her? She sounds pathetic, comparing her child with yours like that, when she knows yours is having problems. Get some friends who support you and don't do this sort of thing.

Dozer · 29/10/2011 06:08

Had a friend a bit like this, though not as nasty, and after a long time of ignoring it and feeling annoyed, reduced contact significantly, so now only see her when our DHs are there. Wish had said something to be honest, as she still does it!

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