competitive parenting

[wantanewname]

I've got a good friend, she's a godparent to my daughter and a good mum to 4 kids but it feels like she is often trying to compete and I don't know what to do!

For example, my DS has struggled a bit at school and so is about to start with explore learning, which may be good for him. He enjoyed the trial session but if he doesn't like it, he'll stop. She knows he is struggling a bit and I'm not trying to compete with her but when I mentioned it she said, 'Oh my xxx doesn't need that kind of thing, his school is really good, he's in the top sets for everything etc, etc'. 'I think football is the best outside learning they can do, and of course xxx (her DS) is fantastic at football' (She also knows my DS isn't great at sports either.

Then she said, she was upset as she has a bit of a flabby tummy. To be honest she is very slim but does have a bit of a tummy (she's been pregnant 4 times so it's not surprising really). and that people at work had asked if she was pregnant a few times. I sympathised but then she said, 'well you've got a bit of a flabby tummy too!' (I know I have btw but wasn't looking to run myself down at that time!

I put this in relationships but wondered if I am just being over sensitive?

I found that a smile and 'I'm just enjoying the stage they are at' was fine.

I can see what exotic is saying, ofetn not letting people know they have hit a nerve can be a good idea, especially if its just some annoying relative who you don't see much. I also do the 'sorry I'm too thick to understand sarcasm' approach with a few individuals. However, this kind of passive-aggressive approach is quite tiresome if it is someone you see a lot or someone you would like to try to improve the relationship with. I think overall it is usually better to be honest. Sometimes people really don't know what they are doing or why and a chat can be an opportunity to move on.

But really its for you to work out how much effort you want to put in - cos you can either reduce contact, ignore, send out oblique hints or tackle it head on. So I've basically been no help have I? Sorry...

I do it on the basis they will get bored and stop, or get the point and stop. If it doesn't work and you see a lot of them I agree you would need to be direct and sort it out.

Fabulous that's another I do too. Mostly I ignore but sometimes make some comment about how my DS can't actually do something that he really can. Often the other parent falls into replying 'Oh he can I saw him do that the other day'. I silently think 'exactly' so your child genius is actually no different to my fairly normal and average DS.

My mum had a friend that did this. We used to go and spend a day with her and she would spend one with us every school holiday. I can therefore give you some idea of what it'll be like for your son.
Based on my experience, I don't think you should ignore the situation: you do need to tackle it, however difficult it is.

I know I didn't really like "Auntie" S but I never knew why. All I knew was that I felt unhappy after we'd seen her. As I got older, I realised that Mum wasn't happy either.

I gradually worked it out. She praised her kids to the skies and my Mum didn't praise us (couldn't get a word in!). She was much better off than us and was full of what they'd been doing, the holidays they'd had, the things they'd bought; my Mum said little - we were quite hard up and my Dad was unemployed for a long time at one point.
Her kids got into the Grammar schools; we didn't.

I started to feel inadequate and depressed whenever we went. I felt I was never good enough, that however hard I tried it could never come up to their level. Her kids started to patronise us, too.

When I was 14, I finally rebelled and told Mum that no way was I ever going there again and I told her why. There was a big row with Mum accusing me of ruining her friendships and me accusing her of being ashamed of us. I said that Auntie S just wanted someone to boast to and she was sitting there and taking it.

I never saw Auntie S again and, after that final visit, neither did my Mum. She didn't tell me why so I don't know if I really did wreck her friendship or whether she finally told this woman a few home truths.

Forgot to add that, while she was praising her kids, she would also get in some subtle little digs about us.

"I'm so glad A got into a good school. Of course, he is a clever boy. It doesn't matter at Tanith's school, I suppose. I expect it's a relief that she can find her own level and won't have to struggle against the clever girls."

Tanith, how awful that you had to put up with that from your mum's friend for all those years. Good for you for sticking up for yourself, I hope your mum did the same and that is why she didn't take you there again.

I cannot understand the mentality of those that make put-down comments all the time. If I have a conversation, then I have a conversation, there's no agenda or forethought put into it. If someone competitive or passive aggressive has one, then they seem to look for something, anything, to leap upon. Then they just dismiss it as "being honest". I cannot imagine having the inclination or energy or even be quick thinking enough to constantly think up put-downs on the spot. It must be very draining to be like that constantly.