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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

competitive parenting

57 replies

wantanewname · 28/10/2011 23:58

I've got a good friend, she's a godparent to my daughter and a good mum to 4 kids but it feels like she is often trying to compete and I don't know what to do!

For example, my DS has struggled a bit at school and so is about to start with explore learning, which may be good for him. He enjoyed the trial session but if he doesn't like it, he'll stop. She knows he is struggling a bit and I'm not trying to compete with her but when I mentioned it she said, 'Oh my xxx doesn't need that kind of thing, his school is really good, he's in the top sets for everything etc, etc'. 'I think football is the best outside learning they can do, and of course xxx (her DS) is fantastic at football' (She also knows my DS isn't great at sports either.

Then she said, she was upset as she has a bit of a flabby tummy. To be honest she is very slim but does have a bit of a tummy (she's been pregnant 4 times so it's not surprising really). and that people at work had asked if she was pregnant a few times. I sympathised but then she said, 'well you've got a bit of a flabby tummy too!' (I know I have btw but wasn't looking to run myself down at that time!

I put this in relationships but wondered if I am just being over sensitive?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/10/2011 07:44

YANB over-sensitive and I think the answer is to be more assertive. Many people like to have 'friends' that they use for self-affirmation. People that say 'aren't you marvellous?!' all the time and tolerate acid put-downs without a murmur. It goes beyond basic insecurity because they will totally ignore anything the other person does or says, except to trump it with an experience of their own. If you go on holiday, they've been somewhere better. If your children do well, theirs are superior.

Your response is 'are you interested in anything I'm saying or shall we just talk about YOU some more....?'

rockboobs · 29/10/2011 07:52

Whenever she opens her flabby gob, put your hands over your ears and go lalalalalala.

You do not have to listen to this woman, you are doing the best for your child.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 07:56

I would just smile and say, blandly, 'they all do things in their own time' and change the subject. Use exactly the same phrase every time and never get drawn further, however tempted.
She is insecure and it isn't a competition or a race. (if it is she would do well to heed the fable of the hare and the tortoise).

JamieComeHome · 29/10/2011 07:57

If you can't do what Cogito suggests, which I think is the best advice, then

I think you have to protect yourself more, by not confiding negative things/things you are worried about to her. Which is a shame, because she is meant to be your friend.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 07:58

If you want to stay friends, which presumably you do with the godparent aspect, I would stick to my advice and ignore the confrontational advice.

JamieComeHome · 29/10/2011 07:58

Ultimately, if you can't confront in her, don't confide in her, then you'll have to withdraw from her. Friends should make you feel good.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/10/2011 08:10

"ignore the confrontational advice"

If you want to stay being a doormat then keep smiling and saying bland stuff. Even though it's a 'friend', sometimes you have to confront them if you don't want to get walked over. They think you're quite happy with their attitude, don't mind being belittled, they can say what they like & you quietly seethe. Until one day you're sharing a glass of wine and BANG she makes another cackhanded remark and you lay into the silly cow with all that backed-up resentment.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 08:23

You really are the winner if you don't rise to it and completely let it wash over you untouched. People never seem to understand this. You are not being confrontational, you retain the high moral ground and you are not being a door mat.
The other way of course is to stop being friends (if it was me I would question why she was a friend)and be confrontational but I got the impression that this was not what OP wanted.
I can see now that expecting my DSs to ignore and not get wound up by a sibling was too much-the majority of adults don't seem to manage it!
You are not being a door mat. The most annoying thing for this 'friend' is to not engage in the 'game'. Stick to a boring phrase, like a record, and ignore.

JamieComeHome · 29/10/2011 08:29

this is interesting, and I'm not sure what the answer is.

If you can truly see it as her problem, and not get wound up, then that is an ideal.

OTOH, if there is something you are sensitive about, and a friend picks at that scab, then aren't you doing the friendship a disservice not to tell them how you feel?

If you are sucking things up, then is the friendship worth having?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/10/2011 08:32

"I can see now that expecting my DSs to ignore and not get wound up by a sibling was too much-the majority of adults don't seem to manage it!"

How you tell two little kids to get over sniping at each other is not the same as what you tell a grown woman who is horribly hurt by a 'friend's' thoughtless remarks. If a stranger came up to the OP in the street and said she had a flabby belly, she'd be appalled. If your idea of staying friends with someone is to stay quiet, never stick up for yourself and take nasty remarks on the chin, I don't think that's healthy.

JamieComeHome · 29/10/2011 08:32

Isn't confronting the assertive thing to do? You don't have to be aggressive.

BTW, this is all theoretical. I tend to do the turn the other cheek/see it as their problem/withdraw slightly thing

JamieComeHome · 29/10/2011 08:32

Xposr Cogito

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 08:45

I was going by the fact that OP wants to stay friends.I think that I would just be blunt and break the friendship however my advice was for if she wants to stay friends in the same way that siblings have to find a way to get on.
My all means stick you fingers in your ears and shout 'lalalala' or be sarcastic or tell her where to go, in no uncertain terms, but the friendship will be over.

OP must be close or she would have her as godparent-in those circumstances ignoring isn't being a doormat, you are not agreeing with her or even acknowledging what she is saying-you are just ignoring.

I would have different advice if she wanted her out of her life.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 08:48

I find much the best way in life is not to let people know they have been successful and hit a nerve. If someone is sarcastic I take them at face value-it is highly successful because they can't know that you didn't and they can hardly explain that they meant the opposite! If you really want to rile someone make sure they miss the mark.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 08:52

sorry wouldn't not would.

takeonboard · 29/10/2011 09:04

the first posts from cogito and exotic are both excellent suggestions for dealing with this, depending on the kind of person you are one of them will work perfectly.
You have to say something or your own self esteem will suffer in this toxic friendship.

BOOareHaunting · 29/10/2011 09:05

IGNORE is my advice. My closest friend does it albeit to a lesser degree but it seems to be less so after years of me ignoring it and her DC2 not being as bright and naturally apt at everything like her DC1.

An example was we went swimming once. My DS and her DC1 wanted a race. They actually drew (well her DC1 was about 2cm in front!), she wasn't having this because her DC1 is in a swimming group above my DS! (also 9 months older). So she called her DC1 over and said 'you weren't going your fastest then were you?'. (her DC1 said yes btw!) but she convinced them they weren't.
I just ignored and praised DS for swimming a length and being a good sport about not winning. (hint hint!)

I agree it is probably lack of confidence, my friend is unconfident in many ways and although this competitiveness does get right on my tits! she is also a great friend and is always there for me when times are tough.

I'd ask yourself if she brings anything positive to the relationship that is worth continuing the relationship for - if the answer is no then you know what to do.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 09:06

If I was prepared to end the friendship I would just be honest and polite.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 09:10

People underestimate the power of ignoring-it really isn't being a doormat. If someone is wanting attention the worst thing is not to give it.
It is like DCs, if they can't get it for positive behaviour they will seek it for bad behaviour-they want the attention-the one thing they really don't want is to be ignored!

philmassive · 29/10/2011 09:21

I have got a (once close) friend who was doing this to me. I used to ignore, ignore, ignore and be happy in the knowledge that her dc's were a bit frightened of her pushing them all the time , I realise that sounds very mean.

BUT our dc's were friends too and the habit followed on with them - her ds boasting and undermining mine. since then I have distanced myself alot and things have improved for my dc's.

I could happily ignore it and make it ok in my own mind but I couldn't ask my dc's to do the same.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 09:25

If it affects the DCs I would definitely be politely honest and distance myself.

philmassive · 29/10/2011 09:25

Ooh got a bit emoticon happy on that one!

Swankyswishing · 29/10/2011 12:04

exoticfruits, I totally agree that ignoring isn't being a doormat. In fact, it's quite good fun not rising to it and watching the nasty person make more and more putdowns and get more panicky when they can't rile you! Priceless! I love it!

I also agree with whoever said that it's a good idea to take things at face value if they're being sarcastic, as this really throws a passive aggressive toxic person! An ex toxic friend of mine once asked what job my eldest DD wants to do when she leaves school. I replied "a hairdresser" and she did a horrible cackly laugh and said "Oh well, I suppose it would be useful to have one to sort YOUR hair out wouldn't it?", so I said "Well yes, absolutely, she might even sort YOURS too for you", all innocently as if I was doing her a favour. She then said "Well I suppose it would be an ok job if only you had the money to set her up in her own salon", so I said "yes, how funny you've mentioned that, because that is exactly what we plan to do, I'm so glad you think it's a good idea". I could tell she was getting very aggitated because she wanted to get to me but she just couldn't.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 12:13

People underestimate it all the time and it is fun!
If you 'don't get' sarcasm there is nowhere for them to go with it. They look totally stupid if they have to explain their remark about hairdressers, so they don't attempt it.

Whenever you watch the TV programmes like 'wife swap' or similar where people lose their rag, the winner is the one who doesn't descend to that level-the one shouting and screaming ends up looking silly.

People just won't do it-they see it as losing if they don't get the last word-but give them enough rope and they hang themselves!

FabulousKilljoy · 29/10/2011 12:59

Half the mums at play group are like this. I tend to respond to their tales of how their babies were practically born walking and talking with a big grin and something along the lines of, "Really? Wow, my DS is a lazy wee shite, he didn't walk til he was 16 months and he's still hardly talking..."

It seems to lose it's appeal for them as I obviously don't give a monkeys.

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