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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how long should i wait before inviting myself to visit DB & SIL's new baby?

57 replies

TheRealTillyMinto · 28/10/2011 14:20

i dont really get on with SIL (IMO she thinks the world revolves around her, i draw a line when i dont like her behaviour!). Mine and DB's family tend to play second fiddle to hers.

DN(PFB) was born this week. they dont want me to visit this weekend, which seems fair enough. however i suspect i am v far down SIL list of preferred visitors.

am i being reasonable to invite myself next weekend, to their house, for a couple of hours visit & ask if there is anything i can do to assist?

(i dont mind the world revolving around her right now... just not at every family event e.g. other people's births, deaths, marriages, etc.)

OP posts:
worraliberty · 28/10/2011 14:22

YABU

You don't like each other so inviting yourself is likely to cause problems.

Can you not speak to your Brother about this? Explain you want to see the baby sooner and ask if it's ok with them?

If it's not, you'll just have to wait until it is.

slavetofilofax · 28/10/2011 14:23

YANBU. Can you talk to your brother about it without her listening and let him deal with it if she has a problem?

I can't stand women who think their own family is more important than their husbands when children come along.

TheLittleFriend · 28/10/2011 14:25

Inviting yourself next weekend would be unreasonable.

Asking your brother if they would mind you visiting soon, and when would suit them, would not be.

Wormshuffler · 28/10/2011 14:27

Ask your brother when you can go.

OurPlanetNeptune · 28/10/2011 14:28

YABU to invite yourself over. Speak to your DB and ask when would be convenient for them.

And, of course, she will naturally want to spend more time with her family than yours. It is up to your brother to keep it balanced.

Itsjustafleshwound · 28/10/2011 14:29

It also depends on how far they are from you? If you live in the same town, perhaps a quick visit to say hello is fine, but to invite yourself for hours is unreasonable!

Annunziata · 28/10/2011 14:29

Have you not phoned either your brother or your SIL yet to say congratulations, mention that you're such a proud aunty, you're desperate to see them etc?

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 28/10/2011 14:29

Ask them if you can come over but I would say stay no more than an hour. And take food. If she objects to that then she is BU.

burningcandles · 28/10/2011 14:29

I think the correct thing to do is wait to be invited rather than inviting yourself.

harassedandherbug · 28/10/2011 14:30

YABU to just turn up. You should phone and ask your brother when you can visit, sil may be struggling with stitches, feeding or any number of things.

Kat311011 · 28/10/2011 14:33

I love my SIL but wouldn't want her just to turn up out of the blue without any warning when I have my little one (soon). As harassedandherbug said you don't know how she is feeling and regardless of whether you get on with her or not you just turning up would be very selfish. Ask your brother when is good for them.

Original poster
TheRealTillyMinto · 28/10/2011 14:47

oh yes - i want not planning to turn up without discussion. more dont want to offend by being pushy or to appear disinterested.

SIL can have an ok conversation but there are flashpoints: she organises my DB which works for them, but i dont need the type of input she offers as i find it weird e.g. i dont want a dress buying for me & putting in the post, with the bill. it was out of the blue. no discussion. just dress in the post.

OP posts:
Iggly · 28/10/2011 14:48

yabu. Wait to be asked. I'd be pretty annoyed if I were you SIL.

Are you feeling broody? Wink

Wormshuffler · 28/10/2011 14:57

I disagree that you should wait to be invited. It would be seen as a snub if you are not in good terms.
Ask db when is a good time.

Annunziata · 28/10/2011 14:58

You're offended that she sent you a present? Confused

It's only my opinion but popping in with some food, a little gift for both of them and a card would be a lovely thing to do.

Original poster
TheRealTillyMinto · 28/10/2011 15:09

The dress was not a present - she bought a dress for me & sent me the bill!

I have a gift, will get a card, the food is a good idea.

OP posts:
Crabapple99 · 28/10/2011 15:09

"A couple of hours"! That sound horendous to me, there is no way I would want someone inviting themselves into my house for "a couple of hours" especially when I have a new baby! Send a little something out of goodwill, some food for the parents, or something like that, and a card or note of congratulations, asking if there is a conviniant time to pop in for 20 MINUTES in the next couple of weeks

sprinkles77 · 28/10/2011 15:11

YABU 100%. I hated uninvited guests when I had just had DS. This is about her, your DB and their new baby. Not you, I'm afraid.

Of course it's horrible to feel excluded, and I understand you find SIL a bit, or actually very Hmm. But I am sure that I am not the only person on here still harbouring massive resentment over the behaviour of certain people immediately following the birth of their DC.

There may be all sorts of reasons SIL feels uncomfortable about having you and / or other members of her DH's family present. The first week after having a baby you are really sore, bleeding like a stuck pig, your boobs are out either feeding or airing and the thought of anyone judgy or otherwise less than 100% supportive anywhere near you can be just too much.

The other thing to consider is to make sure you make it clear you are interested in SIL and DB, how they are getting on and feeling. All my inlaws were far more interested in the baby throughout my pregnancy and after DC was born. It made me feel pushed out and superfluous, which is certainly not the way I should have been made to feel Angry.

Relationships with in laws are so often tense (surely about half the threads on MN are IL - related). Be open, be nice, be honest, be kind. Try to empathise, not judge (you might not have all the information to make a fair judgment). If you want to see the new baby, just phone and ask, and say you don't want to tread on any toes, you just want to see how they all are, and can you bring anything (meals and help with housework, not just cute and impractical baby clothes).

Sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to be! Phewwww, long post!

worraliberty · 28/10/2011 15:12

I think you should stop confusing playing second fiddle, the world revolving around her, her favouring her family, dresses and cheques in the post etc...

With actually wanting to visit your new DN

Try to separate the venom and the happy occasion

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 28/10/2011 15:15

Talk to your brother. I don't always have a great relationship with my SIL so tend to negotiate seeing the children through my brother. If it was left to her our side of the family would barely see them.

skinnymuffin · 28/10/2011 15:16

Difficult SIL relationships are so hard and perhaps she is a bit precious but YABU.

She's a new mum. Give her space, wait to be asked and only stay 30 minutes.

I know it's hard but you will really make things worse if you invite yourself and stay ages.

How would you like things to progress? What sort of a relationship are you hoping for with DN?

Becaroooo · 28/10/2011 15:22

My SIL came into the delivery room to see ds2 4 hours after he was born!!!
(she works at the hospital - non medical role)

I was fine with it. I was still semi naked and covered with gore - her choice if she wanted to see that!!! Grin

YABU if she has stated she does not want visitors for a while. Go when you are invited is the standard rule IMHO.

susiedaisy · 28/10/2011 15:22

Yabu to either just turn up or invite yourself, havin too many visitors is overwhelming when a babe is born IMO and I personally hated the intrusion of loads of visitors just turning up and making a vague offer of help but who didn't really want to help they just wanted to Hold the baby, always phone ahead and ask!

HerdOfTinyElephants · 28/10/2011 15:31

I am in the "don't just wait to be asked" camp (but obviously don't just invite yourself either). I would ask your DB when would be convenient for you to pop round (you could say "I wondered about some time next weekend but wasn't sure if you wanted to be left alone for a while longer").

Original poster
TheRealTillyMinto · 28/10/2011 15:33

i get the message about a quick visit. i am not a parent & with friends it is always really easy.... i say...just let me know & they do! this is obviously not easy....hence the AIBU!

the worst thing she did was talk to my dad like he was stupid when he was paralysed & dying.... he had a brain tumour & it did make him a bit odd but stupid no.

the day my dad died, she acted like it was all about her. v v v v strange.

i dont mind this time is about her - but that is her normal state of being. at her hen do, her 'friends' told me she will take over everything. & yes.

How would you like things to progress? i would like it to be ok...peacefull...so i would like to leave the past there. but it is difficult.

i think i want to get the visit over & done with!

OP posts: