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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how long should i wait before inviting myself to visit DB & SIL's new baby?

57 replies

TheRealTillyMinto · 28/10/2011 14:20

i dont really get on with SIL (IMO she thinks the world revolves around her, i draw a line when i dont like her behaviour!). Mine and DB's family tend to play second fiddle to hers.

DN(PFB) was born this week. they dont want me to visit this weekend, which seems fair enough. however i suspect i am v far down SIL list of preferred visitors.

am i being reasonable to invite myself next weekend, to their house, for a couple of hours visit & ask if there is anything i can do to assist?

(i dont mind the world revolving around her right now... just not at every family event e.g. other people's births, deaths, marriages, etc.)

OP posts:
Gonzo33 · 28/10/2011 15:40

Oh goodness this is a hard one. If you live within an hours drive I would say give your db a call and arrange a convenient time to his family. Maybe in the mean time send the baby a little gift or a congratulations card (or both if you can afford).

When I had my last dc my bil wanted to come and see us with his gf and 1 year old. We live overseas though, so they had to come for a minimum of a week to actually make the trip worthwhile.

My lovely dh thought it would be ok to invite them over to stay from the day I would have been induced had I not gone into natural labour. He couldn't see why I was upset when he told me after they had booked the flights. Bearing in mind we were picking them up from the airport and ferrying around when they were with us and they were staying in our flat! All he said was that they would understand if I was in hospital when they were there!

Luckily I had our dd a week before they arrived, but I was still sore and fed up at having to share my space with them when I'd not long had a baby. Even more so because they wanted us to show them around, which meant two car journeys instead of one everywhere.

Thankfully it was actually a really good week, and I got to know my now sil much better than I had previously so it worked out well.

skinnymuffin · 28/10/2011 15:41

So there's a lot of painful history? Not easy, not easy at all. I would warn you though (it happened to me) that you may fall head over heels in love with your niece when you first clap eyes on her and it will suddenly forming a civil if not friendly relationship with your SIL may become more important to you. Then again it might not! Anyway, try and separate this event from all those past and remember however difficult she is, she is also vulnerable right now.

I hope you get to see the baby very soon and all goes well in the future :)

skinnymuffin · 28/10/2011 15:43

it will

MrsMooo · 28/10/2011 15:50

I understand why you feel like you do, but YABU to just turn up/invite yourself

As another poster said, in the difficult time immediately post birth you want people you can let it all hang out in front of (often literally) and are going to be 100% supportive, often this means you do favour your own family over your DP's

YANBU however to call your DB and gush about wanting to come and meet DN/ask when you can pop round with some food and a gift etc

clam · 28/10/2011 15:50

I would aim all efforts at arrangements towards your brother. Obviously he'll have to get permission from run it past her, but you're more likely to be able to say what you want in the spirit you want and then he can translate it to her in a way she might accept.

Good luck.

pommedechocolat · 28/10/2011 15:52

YABU.

My brother saw dd at 14 weeks for the first time and BIL saw dd for the first time at 10 weeks (both live a way away though). They saw her at the first possible mutually convenient time.

My best friend had a great tactic - she asked me to let me know when I was ready and then after 5 weeks said she had the bank holiday off and was I ready yet? Again, she lives a way away so different to this but still a good way of slotting in when people are ready for you.

Seeing the tiny baby later rather than sooner is going to have no impact at all on your relationship with them as they grow up.

starfishmummy · 28/10/2011 15:53

Just talk to your brother - phone to congratulate them both and tell him how much you want to see the baby and ask when can you go?

Angel786 · 28/10/2011 15:54

Ask your brother but I'd be tempted to just go. If you don't go she might whinge tat you weren't that bothered etc etc either?

cat64 · 28/10/2011 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hairylights · 28/10/2011 16:05

Yabu. An hour max. Ask if it would be ok to visit fir an hour and if it's ok stay for an hour max. She's just had a baby!

trice · 28/10/2011 16:44

It's only a baby. Unless she has had a bad delivery and is ill you should feel free to pop around for a coffee just as you ordinarily would. From some of these posts you would think that having a baby was a debilitating illness. Don't make a big deal about it. Make your own drink if she can't get up. Take a big present.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 28/10/2011 16:50

I dont understand why it is so important to see this baby so soon. Like you say, you are not a parent yourself, so why the urgency?

exoticfruits · 28/10/2011 16:56

If you don't get on with her I would just wait until you are next speaking to your brother and mention it then.

oohlaalaa · 28/10/2011 16:57

YANBU - brothers (my side) and sisters in law (DH side), were all visiting first few days / bringing flowers and presents to the hospital.

They all invited themselves. Friends made appointments.

thetasigmamum · 28/10/2011 17:00

YABVVU

SansaLannister · 28/10/2011 17:02

YABU! Send something along and wait to be invited.

It doesn't matter if she had an uncomplicated delivery, you should never just 'pop round'.

I wouldn't answer the door, tbh.

SnapesMistressofFear · 28/10/2011 17:08

r.e. the dress, how strange [hconfused] why would she do that? Did you ask her to?

Funnyface89 · 28/10/2011 17:12

My ILs visted me the day I was home from hospital and all that week by just inviting themselves over. I was uncomfortable and hated the fact they all saw me and my house looking untidy and messy. (I did not have a complicated birth but as it was my first was feeling very sorry for myself as I am a bit of a wimp even at my best).

I still feel very resentful about it all. I definatly only wanted to see my family after the birth of DS as i am more relaxed with them it was no reflection on my ILs.

I would call with congrats and then wait for an invite.

Original poster
TheRealTillyMinto · 28/10/2011 17:17

Quintessentially

  1. i thought that is what people did. friends seem to have lots a family visiting
  2. i dont want to be taken as snubbing them (i have already been told off that DP & i are not going to theirs at Xmas)
  3. i would like to get the visit over and done with. i have done lots of her hen do, their wedding, showing interest in their new house, their 2 honeymoons etc etc. i have done enough focus on them & want to focus in DP & I. we put our lives on hold to look after my parents. they didnt. THEIR milestones are getting quite hard to celebrate, however much that is the correct thing to do.
OP posts:
SansaLannister · 28/10/2011 17:21

If you see this as something to get over and done with why bother at all?

thetasigmamum · 28/10/2011 17:23

Don't bother going.

HerdOfTinyElephants · 28/10/2011 17:33

I don't think I've ever invited family to visit and see a new baby, and my eldest is 6.5 now. Good job they aren't still waiting for an invitation...

Original poster
TheRealTillyMinto · 28/10/2011 17:35

SnapesMistressofFear no - that is why it is so strange. not a gift! a dress she wanted me to wear to their wedding. i was not a bridesmaid.

from tiny things e.g. she offered to park my car for me. i have no problem parking cars. she thinks she is good at parking cars (no reason why she thinks this...just how she is)

to big things: to the day my dad died, she spoke to the funeral director like it was her dad. when the funeral director had obviously got the relationship wrong, she did not correct him.

oh & when pictures of their wedding was sent to my relations, it was a bit odd, there were none of me. pictures of my DP though!

OP posts:
thetasigmamum · 28/10/2011 18:03

Really - don't go. It's pretty clear the issues lie with you, not her. You seem obsessed, to be honest. Let it go.

Original poster
TheRealTillyMinto · 28/10/2011 18:06

thanks to everyone's input, i have developed hopefully a reasonable plan:

  1. i am going to put all my negative emotions to one side for the time being
  1. i am going to show an interest via phone/email, mainly with my DB, but also a bit with SIL.
  1. i will give them a bit of time to invite me
  1. make sure i bring food, pressies etc. check i dont outstay the welcome etc.
  1. enjoy meeting DN.
  1. RELAX! mission accomplished
  1. prioritise DP & my life
  1. when we have children, run for the hills.
OP posts: