to ask how long should i wait before inviting myself to visit DB & SIL's new baby?

[TheRealTillyMinto]

i dont really get on with SIL (IMO she thinks the world revolves around her, i draw a line when i dont like her behaviour!). Mine and DB's family tend to play second fiddle to hers.

DN(PFB) was born this week. they dont want me to visit this weekend, which seems fair enough. however i suspect i am v far down SIL list of preferred visitors.

am i being reasonable to invite myself next weekend, to their house, for a couple of hours visit & ask if there is anything i can do to assist?

(i dont mind the world revolving around her right now... just not at every family event e.g. other people's births, deaths, marriages, etc.)

My SIL is like yours.

Just phone your brother, so he knows you do care about their baby being born, and ask when is a good time to come and see the baby. Don't go for a couple of hours . Maybe spend half hour with the baby, ask them if they need any washing done or any help with groceries, and leave after an hour.

Good targets, but wrong order. Number 1 should be prioritising you and your DP. :) Also - if you want to build bridges with your SiL, I'd suggest you don't mainly communicate with your DB. They are married, I know you think of him as 'your' brother, but more importantly he is her DH and the father of their DC. Ringing him rather than 'the family' may make it look like you are still trying to assert prior claim. My SiL used to be like that. I didn't like it but more importantly DH hated it and he doesn't have hardly anything to do with SiL any more - his choice, I keep encouraging him to ring her, but he won't. He says she is too bitter and he finds it beyond annoying that she expects him to put her above his family. I haven't given up trying to encourage him to build bridges but I'm currently getting nowhere. Don't let that be you.

Am I missing something here? anyone who has just had a baby is not going to be inviting people around. they will be expecting the calls saying 'when can I come and visit your lovely new baby?'

Call them up and ask when you can come round, see the baby and give them the present you have bought them. If you live in the same town ask if you can do anything for them. Bringing a meal, doing the vacuuming, folding the washing.

when I had my twins I had neighbours visit for 2 minutes at a time on the birth day, and good friends for longer a little later on....

thetasigmamum i hear what you are saying, but i am pro 'them' - she is good for DB (well he is happy so i am happy for him & he seems ok with her organising/dominating him, so that is not my business).

but DB & i are very different personality wise (he is passive, i aint!) so what works for him is not going to work for me. i certainly dont want my DB's wife, organising me!

assert prior claim DPs family always deal with DP & i dont read anything into that & i deal with my family & DP does not read anything into that. we each get on well with the others family. I expect SIL to priortise her DS & DB over me so i dont get why me doing the same thing is an issue.

It is really tricky because you want to be actively invited and that is understandable (it's your brother's baby, not just a friend's).

I've been casting my mind back and I cannot remember a thing about who I asked to come round, who invited themselves, whether or not I should have invited people or let them ask to come. I only remember the ones who overstayed.

TBH I don't think it's a time when social graces come out...and if they haven't got them in the first place (she dislikes you and he's passive) I think you're being really over-hopeful to expect them to say "Why, wouldn't it be lovely of us to invite TillyMint to visit?"

So ring them up, say you'd love to see them and their new family, and can you come tomorrow or is that too soon?

Why bother going if you see it as an obligation? I didn't go round to see any of my nephews as soon as they were born, I waited to be invited or met up at a family gathering. The idea that people just have to go round and see a new baby is daft to me. And I certainly wouldn't appreciate loads of people "inviting themselves" over. Stuff that.

Ask about next weekend and see what DB says (when he checks with SIL). You're close family so it's fair enough you want to visit soon. Better to express interest to show you're keen, and respond politely if they want to make it later.