to expect my DH to earn more (or possibly less)

[mischiefnight]

namechanged due to personal nature

I realise I may get a flaming for this but I need to know whether I have a reasonable point or not.

Background: Me, DH, plus 4 DC, one at Uni, one SN. All now at school.

DH has a good job in IT (project/programme mgmt, major company) earns about 57k basic before tax plus around 6-9k bonus after tax (dependant on company profits so a couple of years didn't get one). Worked there 5 years.

Up until a few years ago I had a decent pt job earning around 30k pro rata. I gave this job up about 3 years ago to focus more time on DS3 who has SN. I now run a small business that involves visiting clients in their home to try and fit around the kids.

I understand that in the current climate DH is lucky to have a secure job and we should be grateful (his view on things) however increasingly over the last couple of years he has taken on more and more responsibility for no extra money (mostly due to cuts in other staff).

We are at a point now where he leaves at 6am is rarely home before 8pm and often works weekends (just told me he is working next two) and when he is at home is often on laptop/blackberry.

We have no family to help out so I feel like a single parent most of the time. It is affecting my business as I need him to cover childcare for evening and weekend appointments so consequently I am not earning very much. I am also looking for another pt job now all the kids are at school but am finding the logistics hard as he is not available to assist in any way.

He has very good, sought after skills and qualifications but is not very ambitious, he focuses much more on doing a job to the best of his ability. I think he is massively underselling himself.

AIBU to think that he should either seek a higher paid job so I can afford a nanny/mothers help and actually be able to leave the house once in a while

or

Take a lower paid job so I can work properly and we can both share the childcare and housework (as I type this I know it won't happen as he loves his job and wouldn't be happy anything else).

I also get pissed off because he goes on a lot about money, how we need to be careful with it and how we (meaning me) need to bring more money in. It seems ridiculous that I am always the one scrabbling around to try and earn the extra when he has far more earning potential and the freedom to do it.

Sorry this has ended up so long and well done if you got this far!

Just realised my name change might make people think this is a piss take post. It's not.

Why can't you work or get out the house when the DCs are in school?
Not having a go, just asking.

i would say YANBU but that probably doesn't help much to rectify anything. My dp has taken on more responsibility recently and is working longer hours on his reduced wage from the past few years (pay cuts 2 years in a row) and will have to do 6 months in his new role before he can request to be paid for that role, it's ridiculous, but with the economy as it is companies have the ability to take the piss.

my dad used to download/print job applications and leave them on his desk for his manager to see, and then be able to negotiate a pay rise, he never had any intention of leaving. Just a thought

I do but the nature of my business means I have to offer some clients evening and weekend appointments also. I'm trying to find a pt job with school hours but from next year 2 DCs will be at different schools so logistics will get tricky.

get a job yourself that pays what you want and stop nagging the poor sod

I think he is lucky to have such a well-paying and stable job.

I fail to see why you need a mother's help, unless it is to do with DS3's SN.

I have 2 under 5, DS1 has SN. DH works 5am til 7/8pm every day except on Sunday, he's bringing in far less than £57K.

Yes, it is hard, and I wish we could afford a cleaner, but he's working and that's keeping a roof over our heads.

By all means, encourage your DH to get a better paid or less demanding job but don't get your hopes out and definatly don't let him hand his notice in until you are sure of the next one. Any job is better than no job.

Well you expected a flaming.....

I think YABVVVU

Your DH is earning a good income.
You made a decision to give up your work to focus on your DC with SN, which is fine, if that was what was right for the family at that time, but I notice you state this was a p/t job, so presumably you had already handed over major earning responsibility to your DH. Again, nothing wrong with that in principle if it was agreed as a family, but hardly fair to now want to radically move the goalposts and expect him to upsize/downsize at your command.

I think you have several options here:
Find childcare to cover your evening/weekend work rather than relying on your DH who is already out from 6 am to 8 pm. Its not his fault if his job requires him to work long hours.

Find work which fits more conventional hours. With all your children at school or uni, it makes sense for you to fit as much work into those hours rather than eves and weekends.

Lastly, I have a real pet hate when people (well, lets be honest, usually women!) criticise their partner for not being ambitious enough, or underselling themself. It is SUCH an unfair thing to think or say. And its usually to do with transferring ones own feelings onto someone else. Ambition is a personal thing. Are YOU maximising your earning power, and working to your optimum? Are YOU fulfilled with your work life? I would look at those questions before criticising your DH. It sounds like he is perfectly content himself, but maybe not as ambitious as YOU would like.

I think it really depends on what the discussion was when you made your work decisions - the part time and the working from home, and so on. Did your and he sit down and discuss how to make things work, or did you insist you wanted to do these things in the face of his opposition? If he accepted what you're doing, or if he had an opinion on it, I think he should do you the courtesy of taking your acceptance/opinion into account.

If he didn't agree with you doing these things, what was his idea of a solution to your need for someone at home part-time with the children and for your child with SN's special care?

things change.

I bet you wouldn't like it if he didn't have to get up and go to work every day.

I doubt he really likes being away from home for most of his waking hours. But he has probably not been able to see an alternative.

Even people with low-paid jobs often have to work long hours and get worn out.

Try to get him to schedule his holiday time well in advance, including some days off, and come to terms with the idea that scheduled time off is a serious diary booking, just like being off-site in important meetings with the phone turned off.

piglet - come on, that's a daft thing to say, 'I bet you wouldn't like it if he didn't have to get up and go to work every day.' Obviously her DH wouldn't 'like it' if she didn't get up and work every day either.

Okay so I perhaps am being a bit unreasonable.

I realise it is a good salary but for a number of reasons money is still tight and I feel the expectation on me to make up the shortfall which I find difficult because of logistics. My youngset DS has just started school this year so I am currently applying for jobs in school hours and volunteering as a TA two mornings so hopefully I can get a job in a school.

DS3's SN mean I cannot just leave him with anyone. A lot of my friends use teenagers as babysitters but I don't feel that this would be appropriate or fair.

DH does agree that we could do with extra money coming in but it just feels like the onus to earn it is mine (which I dont mind as I like working) but with no support to go along with it, thats the bit I struggle with.

Hey ho such is life I guess.

Yabu. He is lucky in the current climate to have a well paid job that allows you not to work. You chose to give up your job. You could work & employ a nanny or childminder if you are not happy at home.

callmemrs- you are right it is a shitty thing to be ambitious on someone elses behalf but I find it hard to contain. I think a lot of women (myself included) are ambitious but are limited by family commitments. I find it frustrating that my DH has no or very little constraints but is rather laid back about it.

Perhaps you need to look at why you can't live on that sort of money.

Move to a cheaper area?

Cheaper cars?

Spend less on hobbies?

Sometimes you just have to sit down and look at ways to cut back.

Icelolly- I do work and have always worked. I gave up a particular job to become self employed so I could better meet my families needs.

I don't think you are necessarily being unreasonable. Are you in the SE? IF so it doesn't sound as if your DH is earning that much to be honest, he should at least talk to a few head hunters. If not then I am shocked he is working those hours. I think you need to get someone to babysit and have a serious talk to him.
How bad are your DS's special needs? Maybe there is a local college who could put you in touch with someone doing a Nursery Nurse or similar course who could do some babysitting? You also need to talk to your DH to find out why he is working such long hours. Does he feel his job is under threat? What solutions can he suggest for the financial issues?
Good luck!

Ice - how on earth do you know she 'chose' to give up her job? Bit rude, don't you think? Besides, she has a job - two, by my reckoning.

OP - Have you told him you feel as if the onus is on you to earn more money? And how do you discuss these things? Eg., when you went PT, did you two discuss it and how did you reach the decision to do it? And likewise with you doing more childcare?

I don't think the onus should be on you and while he cannot be 'expected' to magic up a higher-earning job from nothing, if he's been expecting you to earn more/do the childcare, then you two do need to chat about whether that's fair. TBH if you can hold down a business, care for a child with SN and look for a PT job it sounds as if you're working pretty flat-out.

I don't think any of us leave our children with 'anyone'!!!

I think what you need here is proper regulated childcare, not teenage babysitters anyway, since you're talking about cover for when you work, not a night out.

TBH, this should be seen as long term investment. Even if temporarily the childcare costs a lot, if it improves your earning power and gets you back to a decent career then its money well spent. Holding out for a TA job might fit more conveniently with school hours, but the money is rubbish, and tbh if thats the sort of level you are looking at, I am even more (shock) that you are critical of your DH for not being ambitious enough. A TA would earn you about 12k - full time. A mere fraction of his 'unambitious' 57k !

Anyway, while I entirely understand that finding care for a SN child may not be quite as easy, I think the principle is the same with any children. If you pay for proper regulated care, then it may well take a big wodge of income to begin with, but you view it as an investment.

Is your child with SN in a mainstream school? If so, I imagine s/he can cope with mainstream childcare? If S/hes in a special school, ask staff for advice on out of hours care. Teenage babysitters aren't going to cut this - and wouldnt for anyone looking for all year round regular care.

YABU. I think you are naive to think he could get another well paid or better job easily. It's v v difficult out there right now and many people are working longer hours for no extra pay. It's that or the dole queue.
BTW, how can money be tight when one of you is on almost 60k?

Jesus freaking christ. You are the 1%, aren't you? Do you have any idea how much normal people get to live on?

Well I think YANBU

Both me and DH will be job hunting next year, one of our agreed conditions is that neither of us will take a job with long hours unless it pays well enough for the other person not to work FT or to get whatever childcare we need.

There are worse things than being skint (which we are) and one of them is arguing about money and work and family time (which we have done in the past and want to avoid).

I might answer differently if you were both happy with the money you have, but I don't think it's fair for him to put pressure on you to earn more when the logistics make that difficult. It's not easy to get a PT job during school hours, and if he works evenings and weekends that's out too. What are you supposed to do?

Would you be willing to get a FT 9-5 job and get a nanny?

If so, perhaps take that opportunity for both of you to do some job hunting. I don't think you can nag him into changing jobs but you can encourage him to keep an eye on other possibilities -- what's the harm in that?

worra- we can live on this but it doesnt go far with 4 kids. We are supporting one at Uni (she does have a job as well). Our DS with SN has inadvertantly cost more than the others over the years but we were turned down for DLA.

Our car is 7 years old.

We probably could cut back to the bone so to speak but if that is the case I would rather we both earned equal lower paid jobs (hopefully more sociable hours), paid less tax and I could have more of a life outside the children.

Is it possible the OP knows whether her DH is unambitious and laid-back, or whether he's actually working all the hours god sends for no extra pay, as some people suggest?

I think if my DH were agreeing with me we needed more money but expecting me to earn it despite having a full workload already, I would be fed up - nothing to do with how much he earned, it's the implication that the OP's doing less work than her DH when she's obviously very hardworking that is a bit off.

Or so it seems to me, I may be talking nonsense!

I don't know whether you are being reasonable or not, the only people who can decide that are you and your DH. Have you spoken to him about how you are feeling, what does he say? If you haven't, then I suggest that is what you need to do.