to expect my DH to earn more (or possibly less)

[mischiefnight]

namechanged due to personal nature

I realise I may get a flaming for this but I need to know whether I have a reasonable point or not.

Background: Me, DH, plus 4 DC, one at Uni, one SN. All now at school.

DH has a good job in IT (project/programme mgmt, major company) earns about 57k basic before tax plus around 6-9k bonus after tax (dependant on company profits so a couple of years didn't get one). Worked there 5 years.

Up until a few years ago I had a decent pt job earning around 30k pro rata. I gave this job up about 3 years ago to focus more time on DS3 who has SN. I now run a small business that involves visiting clients in their home to try and fit around the kids.

I understand that in the current climate DH is lucky to have a secure job and we should be grateful (his view on things) however increasingly over the last couple of years he has taken on more and more responsibility for no extra money (mostly due to cuts in other staff).

We are at a point now where he leaves at 6am is rarely home before 8pm and often works weekends (just told me he is working next two) and when he is at home is often on laptop/blackberry.

We have no family to help out so I feel like a single parent most of the time. It is affecting my business as I need him to cover childcare for evening and weekend appointments so consequently I am not earning very much. I am also looking for another pt job now all the kids are at school but am finding the logistics hard as he is not available to assist in any way.

He has very good, sought after skills and qualifications but is not very ambitious, he focuses much more on doing a job to the best of his ability. I think he is massively underselling himself.

AIBU to think that he should either seek a higher paid job so I can afford a nanny/mothers help and actually be able to leave the house once in a while

or

Take a lower paid job so I can work properly and we can both share the childcare and housework (as I type this I know it won't happen as he loves his job and wouldn't be happy anything else).

I also get pissed off because he goes on a lot about money, how we need to be careful with it and how we (meaning me) need to bring more money in. It seems ridiculous that I am always the one scrabbling around to try and earn the extra when he has far more earning potential and the freedom to do it.

Sorry this has ended up so long and well done if you got this far!

Just realised my name change might make people think this is a piss take post. It's not.

YANBU to want him at home more. It must be very hard to cope with the kids and your part-time job when he's away from home so much of the time.

YABU to feel at all resentful that he isn't earning 'enough' when he still earns more than you.

Is your business something where you could perhaps utilise school hours time better, maybe by using email more, and cutting down the need for so much face to face client contact?

Its difficult to advise without knowing what it is you do

But I keep coming back to the idea that with the children in school, you would be best off using as much as that time for work, which then at least takes the pressure off having to work in the evenings.

Having suffered a double redundany, I wouldn't complain, that he is working so hard, and in a secure job. Sorry, if this is not what you want to hear.

I actually think YANBU - does your DH realise how underpaid he is? If your DH was externally put into the job at that level, he should be expecting another £15k a year at least (am assuming your South East based).

He could easily earn the same somewhere else with less responsibility and therefore shorter hours, or do the same hours for a lot more money. If he went contracting he could probably double his take home pay.

I really think they are taking the piss because they can, he's there already and it's easier to add extra responisbility on someone who's there but obviously not very good at negotiating a better wage.

I don't think you are being ambitious for him to say he should either do the job he's being paid for, or be paid for the job he's doing. Yes it's a lot of money for some people, but still underpaid. HOWEVER, what are his long term plans? It might be worth sucking this up for 1 or 2 years to get this extra experience on his CV so he can go for managerial roles elsewhere that pay a lot higher.

Could you have a long term plan discussion, where does he see his career going, yours going, what steps/sacrifices do you want/need to take along the way to get there, possibly get his company to pay for him to do some additional qualifications that would compensate for the underpaid situation.

You could suggest he books an appointment with a head hunter/recruitment consultant to just discuss his long term plans, they could help point out what skills they are being asked for that he could work towards, and quite frankly once they've met him, he'll be on their radar and they're more likely to call him with any jobs they get in that he's suitable for. Even if they don't have anything he wants, it might give him a bit of a shock to see what he's actually worth or how little he'd have to do for the same money in another company - it also might make him a bit more confident in payrise conversations.

YABU
Haven't you heard there's a worldwide recession? EVERYONE I know, and I mean everyone is working harder these days, longer hours, more days, for the same or in some cases, less money.
I'm in the public sector, so on a pay freeze for god knows how long, my shift allowances are away to be lost and I'll quite possibly be out of a job in 2 years.

Get a grip and open your eyes to what's happening in the world

I can understand actually that it must be frustrating - neither one thing nor the other, he's not earning the big City salary that would justify long hours and weekend on-call, but at the same time doesn't seem to have much work-life balance either. I still think the fact that he loves his work is valuable and important, but obviously that doesn't make things any easier for you at home!

I just feel that nagging him to make more money is not going to be the most helpful approach. And if he's not the sort of person who is naturally ambitious and motivated by money and status, he might find it very difficult and counter to everything he believes about the 'right' way to act in life.

I would start by making sure he knows how difficult your life is at the moment, and how frustrated and trapped you're feeling. And try to talk about ways you can both work towards making things better. This of course is assuming he cares about your happiness etc, and wants to make things better for you, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he does for the moment!

"YABU
Haven't you heard there's a worldwide recession? EVERYONE I know, and I mean everyone is working harder these days, longer hours, more days, for the same or in some cases, less money.
I'm in the public sector, so on a pay freeze for god knows how long, my shift allowances are away to be lost and I'll quite possibly be out of a job in 2 years.

Get a grip and open your eyes to what's happening in the world"

I can see that this is valid for many people in many sectors, but the fact is that some businesses are making more money in the current economic climate than they did before. By way of an example, I was working as a city lawyer when the credit crunch hit. Cue salary freezes and much glumness all round. Turned out that the firm actually ended up making more money that year than ever thanks to all the restructuring and insolvency work they did. Why shouldn't the people who did all of that hard work expect to be rewarded properly for it?

I do tend to agree with a previous poster that there are probably some businesses taking full advantage of the 'you're lucky to have a job' line to overwork and underpay some staff.

And yes, you can earn £57k plus bonus and be underpaid if your salary does not reflect market rate.

I do understand your frustration.

We live in London and life is expensive.

My DH is also in a professional career [civil engineer and project manager] and earns around £50,000 before tax [no bonuses though unfortunately!]

In recent years he has seen his workload double [due to less staff to do the same amount of work], his pay remain stagnant for the last 4 years and he also is working long hours regularly leaving home at 6am to get to work for just after 7pm and leaving work at 6pm to get home at just after 7pm - however then he continues working once he gets home! He also regularly brings work home at weekends and whilst I take the kids to the park he is at home on the computer.

Unfortunately there seems to be less work out there for engineers and some of DHs colleagues who were made redundant have struggled to find another job

DHs bosses make comments about DH and his team needing to make targets "or they'll find others who can do the work" - a direct reference to the constant threat of redundancy and a pool of unemployed engineers who would be happy to have any job. DH has worked with this company for around 5 years and has brought in a lot of money and contacts in government for them and they are treating him like a lazy school boy .

Anyhow, this all leaves me in a pickle too as I have two DC under 3 and am at home with them the majority of the time. I work one full day in my career during the week and have a childminder for this. However I also offer weekend appointments due to the nature of my work and this is where the difficulty lies [childminder not available and no family here in UK]. I also find making client calls difficult during the week as I usually have a child screaming at me as I am trying to talk!

It is also exhausting to have to do the majority of the childcare as DH is not available due to work commitments. I also would not mind so much if he was taking on extra work and responsibility for more money or better prospects... but it's not, it's just now expected in the current climate

Sorry for the essay but I just wanted to say I think I understand your POV and you're not being unreasonable.

Also £50,000 odd does not go very far in London, that I can definitely agree on!

right ill be honest Op. I have only read the first page but thought i would give you my professional opinion.

I run my own recruitment consultancy. Your husband is earning a good wage for his skills. There is still some trouble with businesses at the moment due to the recession, hence why he needs to undertake more responsibilities. (company cannot afford more staff etc).

There are not many jobs about in IT paying above circa £55k - £60k at the moment especially in a commutable location to where you are currently living.

If you do want him to get another job then be prepared to relocate.

This all sounds like a communication problem to me. You both want things to change but you're both expecting the other person to make it happen. So he wants you to bring in more money which from what you say is impossible and you want him to either get a better wage for his time or cut down his time and stay on the same money so you can earn more. Neither of you is being very fair to the other one. I think you need to have a chat about what you can do to improve things, and that might mean moving to a cheaper area perhaps?

If he did take a less demanding job so he could help with evening/weekend childcare to allow you to work, how would it work out on a day to day basis?

He'd come home from work, then take over the children while you go out. Same on a weekend. The advantage is he gets to spend more time with the children. But it wouldn't mean more family time, just the parent that's out/unavailable for the children changes. Then would he be willing to cover an extra evening for you to go to an exercise class/meet friends? I can see that set up creating resentment.

BTW, I don't think his salary is that much for those hours. If you worked it out as an hourly rate it's probably more like £45 k pro rata.