to not let INLAWS look after DS's?

[cheekster]

Ill try to keep this as short as possible

When DS was born, FIL and MIL told us that they loved coming to visit but they didnt feel they were 'up to' and 'confident' enough to look after DS alone. This wasnt a problem, we have lots of support on my side of the family.

When DS turned 2, they asked if they could start to have him for an hour. We agreed, and they did have him for a few times, but he was never bothered about going with them. We often had to really encourage him to go, or occasionally he point blank refused to. TBH it was more of a pain, as they would only take him for an hour so by the time we dropped him off and picked him up we had roughly 20 mins to ourselves.

Once DS2 was born, they again stated that they wouldnt want to have DS2 as he was 'too young' and they werent confident looking after him, but could they still take DS1 out. Now this is what Im not happy with!

I believe that they should take DS1 and DS2 or dont take any of them at all. Fair enough when DS2 was a newborn, but as he is approching 1 I dont see why they cant look after both of them for an hour. I dont want them to be treated differently and them seeing that DS1 is allowed to go to Nannies and Grandads house but DS2 isnt.

But MIL and FIL think Im being unreasonable ... am I?

Sounds like they're still not confident having a 1year old which is their perogative to be fair. At least you'd still get a bit of respite if they "only" take DS1. Perhaps when DS2 is older they will have them both.

But overall I think YABU as at least they're offering to do something they are not strictly obliged to do.

Yes - I'm afraid you are BU. I can see what you mean, but DS2 is still only very little. By the time he's old enough to care DS1 will be in nursery/school and they can take DS2 out on his own. Lots of older people feel they need the two of them to cope with one small child and that two is just too difficult. Also, DS2 is still in nappies, will still need a lot of picking up and carrying and for some older people that's just too physically draining.

So sorry yes YABU.

YABU, very bloody unreasonable..

Most people would be wary of being in charge of a very young baby, and grandparents are no exception.

Toddlers are also very wary of going off with anyone other than their parents, which is why encouraging a relationships with grandparents is a very good thing to do as soon as it is possible.

Can you really not see the difference between being in sole charge of a baby, and sole charge of a toddler?

I can kind of understand that they might not feel confident in having both boys together but are they saying they don't want DS2 at all? My often used to have DD and DS separately but the kids enjoyed it that way too. It meant they each got a chance for some really special time with their grandparents.

They didn't have DS1 until he was 2, and DS2 isn't 2 yet, so how are they treating him differently by not wanting to have him? At 1 he's unlikely to be bothered. And why would you want to send your child to someone who didn't feel confident looking after him?

DS2 will go to Nanny and Grandad's house, but when he's a bit older. YABU, sorry!

Yabu, they were only comfortable to take ds1 once he was 2, it is clear they don't deeply able to look after a younger child. My mil takes dd1 all the time, even abroad for the weekend, but she cannot cope with dd2 or ds3 yet as they are too young and unable to communicate their needs. Why should dd1 miss out on time with dm? Dd2 and ds3s time will come. They see dm when we go as a family, but don't stay without me.

Not my mil my dm

Sorry but I am sticking by my guns, I know most of you believe AIBU but I cant see why they cant take them separately if they feel they cant cope with them both. It wouldnt hurt to take DS2 for a walk in his pushchair, we are only a phonecall away!

Sorry but in my eyes, they have 2 GS now, and they should spend time with both, not just one!

OK - then why bloody ask?

AIBU
YES
NO I'M NOT

FFS

Then why are you asking if YABU if you've already made your mind up?

why did you bloody bother asking then?

They do not want the responsibility of looking after a baby - they have made that very clear. So instead of respecting that and accepting they wont have DS2 until he's about 2, the same as they did with his brother you are going to stop Ds1 having a relationship with his GP's because DS2 who wont know and wont care exists now... FGS get a grip.

what are your husbands views on the way you are treating his parents?

Because I honestly thought that most of you would think IANBU ...

I am not stopping DS1 having a relationship with his GP, they come and visit twice a week to see both their GC!

Ok, well now you know that 100% (thus far) think YABU. So it's obviously a great opportunity to sit back and reflect some.

YABVU They are grandparents, not unpaid help.

Never mind you 'don't get 20 minutes to yourself'...it's about them and their relationship with your child.

If they feel more confident looking after an older child then at least they're honest....and one day both your kids will be 'older children' so this won't be an issue for you will it?

Really?

You want to interpret their wishes to look after the GDC they feel comfortable and safe with as some sort of favouritism?

I feel you may be partaking a little too much of the overthinking liqueur.

As mentioned before, we have plenty of support from other family members so I never want them to be 'unpaid help' I encourage them to come and see them, or we visit them at least twice a week so they both have a good relationship with their GP's .

We have a good relationship, I get on really well with them, they are lovely people. But, I still think they need to realise that if they have 2GC they should spend the same amount of time with them either together or separately.

The little one won't even notice! IF he DID manage to articulate that he felt he was being treated differently in some way you could say he's too young. Which your inlaws obviously think anyway.

YABU

Wouldn't it all sort of even itself out when the elder child goes to school?

They don't need to "realise" anything.

YABU.

they have 2 GS now, and they should spend time with both, not just one!

Well, according to you they do they come and visit twice a week to see both their GC!

They don't need to spend exactly the same time with each child their whole lives. What are you going to do when DS1 goes to nursery/school - refuse to let them see DS2 on his own.

Honestly, really, get a grip.

...and AIBU stands for Am I Being Unreasonable? It doesn't stand for 'Come and Prove I'm Right'

And I ask again, what does their father think?

DS1 is already at school.

Thats the thing, although DS2 may be too young to understand that DS1 can go to nannies but he cant , DS1 will. With every other family member, they go together, so it would be very obvious to DS1 that he is being treated differently.