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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let INLAWS look after DS's?

124 replies

cheekster · 28/10/2011 01:08

Ill try to keep this as short as possible

When DS was born, FIL and MIL told us that they loved coming to visit but they didnt feel they were 'up to' and 'confident' enough to look after DS alone. This wasnt a problem, we have lots of support on my side of the family.

When DS turned 2, they asked if they could start to have him for an hour. We agreed, and they did have him for a few times, but he was never bothered about going with them. We often had to really encourage him to go, or occasionally he point blank refused to. TBH it was more of a pain, as they would only take him for an hour so by the time we dropped him off and picked him up we had roughly 20 mins to ourselves.

Once DS2 was born, they again stated that they wouldnt want to have DS2 as he was 'too young' and they werent confident looking after him, but could they still take DS1 out. Now this is what Im not happy with!

I believe that they should take DS1 and DS2 or dont take any of them at all. Fair enough when DS2 was a newborn, but as he is approching 1 I dont see why they cant look after both of them for an hour. I dont want them to be treated differently and them seeing that DS1 is allowed to go to Nannies and Grandads house but DS2 isnt.

But MIL and FIL think Im being unreasonable ... am I?

OP posts:

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 28/10/2011 12:58

OP has a bit of form for starting threads, getting everyone wound up and not returning. She also has form for being the DIL from hell... she has two sons... I really hope she remembers all of this in 20 or so years

Tortoiseinadarkspell · 28/10/2011 13:07

I'm just wondering, does this mean that DS1, who is five+, has been seeing his grandparents alone for ages but has now been told that he can't go any more because they won't take DS1?

Because that'll help with avoiding any feeling of resentment re: The New Baby Means I Get Treated Differently, won't it?

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 28/10/2011 13:11

Tortoise - DS1 is only just 3. Born mid 2008. Baby is under a year - the OP was still pregnant in Nov last year - cba to see when he was actually born. But that aside - yes, now the baby is coming up for a year, DS1 isn't going to be allowed to go & see his GP's alone anymore :( Poor little lad - just something else he can't do because of the baby.

TandB · 28/10/2011 13:33

YABU. And rather weird.

Plenty of people would probably prefer not to look after someone else's baby on their own, with all the rules and baggage and potential for getting it wrong and being shouted at that come with a baby.

2 seems a pretty reasonable age for them to say that they are comfortable looking after him alone. No doubt when the younger boy is 2 they will say the same thing.

It's a complete non-issue. Think yourself lucky that you don't have my SIL's MIL who has made it quite clear that she has no interest whatsoever in small children and has no intention of helping out in any way at all, but that it is her intention to sweep in in a few years time with all the enticements that her very privileged, rural life-style has (trips on her boat, learning to ride and shoot etc) and no doubt completely entrance her grandchildren for a while. Which is obviously lovely for my MIL, the other grandmother who has done all the hard baby and toddler years (well above and beyond the call of duty) and will no doubt not get a look in until the novelty wears off.

Tortoiseinadarkspell · 28/10/2011 13:36

Oh, right, I was misled by "ds1 is already at school".

Still, that's worse. My DD is almost three, and she would both notice and care if her trips to Nana were cut off, probably more so than if she were older.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 28/10/2011 13:41

Tortoise (love the seasonal nc by the way!!) - yes, I think the OP was deliberately making DS1 out to be older so that it didn't look like so much work for the GP's perhaphs he goes to the nursery part of the school?

TandB · 28/10/2011 13:43

Maybe DS1 is a child prodigy like the one on the other thread.

Maryz · 28/10/2011 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 28/10/2011 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

welliesandpyjamas · 28/10/2011 15:45

maryz I think we are FIRED!!!

Groovee · 28/10/2011 15:59

My children often go separately to grandparents and they go together. I don't see a problem. Be grateful to have grandparents who have been honest and upfront. But it makes me wonder how you behave towards the inlaws to make them feel they can't cope with the children for long periods of time.

mynewpassion · 28/10/2011 18:42

So does the OP have a DD or not?

Because if she doesn't, I think she's BU for starting an AIBU thread about being upset a friend named her DD after the OP's DD when she doesn't have a DD.

FabbyChic · 28/10/2011 18:44

Seriously get a grip, they are two different ages, it is quite understandable that two would be too much to handle considering one is only a year old and needs constant watching.

bruffin · 28/10/2011 20:08

So does the OP have a DD or not?

she had no dd in August 2009 but had an 18 month old dd in july 2010

JamieComeHome · 28/10/2011 20:20

sorry, your arguments are really weak, yabu

pinkyredrose · 28/10/2011 20:55

OP you are barmy.

TidyDancer · 28/10/2011 21:05

Oh Lord.

Basically just marking my place in case the lovely OP comes back.

[hgrin]

PelvicFlAAAAARGHOfSteel · 28/10/2011 21:34

I was going to write a very reasonable post about how some people just don't 'get' babies, my DDad had no interest in DS1 until he started talking but loves spending time with him now. Still looks nervous if he's left alone with DS2 for any reason. I see it's a bit late for that.

I think the DD may have been a smokescreen to prevent obvious RL identification as she is the same age as DS1?

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2011 21:42

I'm bloody glad she isn't my DiL.

feelingratheroverwhelmed · 28/10/2011 21:53

When DS1 was born, my mum came to visit and was basically terrified of doing anything with him that wasn't pushing the pram or sitting on the sofa holding him. I managed to persuade her to change his nappy but I had to talk her through each stage! At the time I was really quite peed off with her, but I can see now that she just has no experience of babies and children. It was only once he was well over one that she was happy to have him once he was asleep in bed, and he was nearly two when she took him for 24hours.
DS2 has just come along, and when I am ready to leave him, o about 5 months, it won't be my mum I'll be asking. But I will continue to take advantage of her being happy to look after his big brother.

The in-laws have been entirely honest in how they feel about looking after your children, for perfectly reasonalle reasons. If you choose to not take them up on their kind offers to look after your older child, then you all miss out for ridiculous reasons, OP.

4madboys · 28/10/2011 21:59

i cant see you point but we have 5 children, my mil never spent any time alone iwth any of them children until they were upwards of 4yrs? and once they reach that age she will have them to stay for the day/overnight but ONLY one child at time, tbh this doesnt bother me, it means that each child gets some special one on one time with their grandma and she can do craft stuff or bake with them etc. during the summer holidays the elder 3 each had a turn at staying with her for a night or two and they loved it and she loved.

ds4 is 3 and has asked when he can go, but he still wears a nappy at night and although potty trained has had the odd accident, my mil would not feel able to deal with this, so once he is out of night nappies, in the next 6mths i would imagine and reliable during the day (almost there pretty much bar illness) then he will get his turn at staying with grandma. does ds4 mind? maybe a bit, he has commented on it and we simply say that he has to be a bit older.

yes children need to be treated fairly but this does NOT mean they must have everythign the exact same way and at the exact same time, they are all diff, circumstances change etc, they can be treated fairly but not in an identical manner.

your ds2 is still little, in nappies etc, you say you inlaws didnt have ds1 till he was 2 yrs old, so that is a WHOLE year older than your ds2 is and they grow up a LOT in that year. if you were going to be really pick you could say it was unfair to ds1 if your ds2 goes at the age of 1 to grandmaparents as he didnt ge tto go until he was 2!

my mil was a primary school teacher and taught classes of 40 reception aged children, she still doesnt feel able to deal wiht more than one of ours at a time just because she is older and her lifestyle is different and she enjoys the one on one time with them. would i love it if she had more than one of them sometimes? hell yes, but i respect her opinion and value her relationship with myself and my children, she wants one child at a time so that is what she has.

TheGhostOfMrsWembley · 29/10/2011 02:23

So, OP still hasn't come back...

'End of' until the next AIBU, I suppose. I'm going to keep my eyes open for a name change after this.

ssd · 29/10/2011 13:12

yep, a name change is definately on the cards for this op, but I think she'll be quite easy to spot

posts a lot in AIBU

2.has a very weak arguement about something quite trivial that wouldn't bother most folk (indeed those of us with no willing grannies to help out would swap places in an instant)

3.gets pissed off when everyone doesn't agree with her

4.flounces off with an end of

shuffleballchange · 29/10/2011 14:06

YABU. End of. If you want help, accept what is offered and be grateful. Seriously, your youngest wont notice and maybe its nicer for your eldest to have time with them by himself.

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