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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let INLAWS look after DS's?

124 replies

cheekster · 28/10/2011 01:08

Ill try to keep this as short as possible

When DS was born, FIL and MIL told us that they loved coming to visit but they didnt feel they were 'up to' and 'confident' enough to look after DS alone. This wasnt a problem, we have lots of support on my side of the family.

When DS turned 2, they asked if they could start to have him for an hour. We agreed, and they did have him for a few times, but he was never bothered about going with them. We often had to really encourage him to go, or occasionally he point blank refused to. TBH it was more of a pain, as they would only take him for an hour so by the time we dropped him off and picked him up we had roughly 20 mins to ourselves.

Once DS2 was born, they again stated that they wouldnt want to have DS2 as he was 'too young' and they werent confident looking after him, but could they still take DS1 out. Now this is what Im not happy with!

I believe that they should take DS1 and DS2 or dont take any of them at all. Fair enough when DS2 was a newborn, but as he is approching 1 I dont see why they cant look after both of them for an hour. I dont want them to be treated differently and them seeing that DS1 is allowed to go to Nannies and Grandads house but DS2 isnt.

But MIL and FIL think Im being unreasonable ... am I?

OP posts:

slavetofilofax · 28/10/2011 03:01

You are so obsessed it's funny.

Why can't you get your head around the fact that they don't feel confident having to look after an under two year old?

Your older ds won't see that he's being treated differently in a bad way. Just tell him the truth, that he couldn't stay with Granny and Grandad until he was two, and he's such a big boy now that it's fine for him to go there on his own. His little brother is still too little to go to Granny and Grandads on his own, but when he is 2, he will.

If your ds1 is at school, he is old enough to understand this very simple concept. And when ds2 is old enough, it will be lovely. My Mum and I have days in the school holidays where we have one child each, and obviously take it in turns, and it's perfect being able to have special time with them separately.

I honestly don't understand what you are complaining about.

sunshinestate · 28/10/2011 04:12

YABU. Sometimes in life you just have to accept it's not all about you. My inlaws did not play much of a part in my DS baby years. However now that he is a bit older they have a wonderful relationship with both me and my son. They really are fantastic people.

I sometimes read these types of threads and shudder at the prospect of one day becoming an inlaw.

TheGhostOfMrsWembley · 28/10/2011 05:23

Ah yes, Advanced Search...

Clearly you are looking for one more reason to find fault with your PiLs and, I'm sorry, but I don't see it.

I once got a whole load of YABUs to a question and I ended up thinking , maybe I am. Take a close look at everything you've posted about them and at the general views of the replies.

Do you know, if it looks like a duck, smells like a duck, talks like a duck and walks like a duck... maybe try serving it with orange sauce.

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 28/10/2011 05:36

Thank God half term's over next week.

ToothbrushThief · 28/10/2011 05:49

YABU but refuse to accept it

Looking at your past posts I'd say you have big issues over control. You struggle with the idea that other people have opinions and express wishes that do not coincide with yours. (I'm not talking about MNetters here!) Your DH and INLAWS all incite your wrath because they don't do what you think they should.

I'd suggest you examine what insecurity or character trait is fuelling that. This is just one incidence in a long line isn't it?

Magneto · 28/10/2011 05:53

So would you rather they took both of them, they weren't able to cope with the baby and then something happened because of that?

My mum point blank refused to even hold my ds until he was 3 weeks old because it had been so long since she had held a newborn she didn't feel safe doing so. I wasn't offended, she cared enough about my son to not want to risk anything happening to him.

bruxeur · 28/10/2011 05:55

100% weapons-grade purebred wholegrain mental. Just like Mommy Dearest used to make.

ScaredTEECat · 28/10/2011 07:27

Isn't Advanced Search fun...these 'lovely' PILs are the same ones you nearly left your DH for before? [hhmm]

I nearly never say this but, get a grip. They found the centre of the universe and it isn't you.

mumofthreekids · 28/10/2011 07:55

"Because I honestly thought that most of you would think IANBU ..." love it!

mummyosaurus · 28/10/2011 08:06

My PIL are older than my mum. They were also quite weary of babies, they now like to have them one at a time. DCs are 4 and 6.

They live a little way away and take one child at a time usually for a night or two. Perhaps once a year. It's lovely because we get home one to one time with the other child.

My mum will take both of them, so we have had the odd weekend away.

It works fine, so don't be too quick to alienate them.

My dad on the other hand is a nightmare, only interested in DD and positively anti DS (he had two girls, longed for a son, can't handle either of his grandsons - DS and Dnephew). After him slapping ds for treading on a plant, I pretty much give him a wide birth these days.

Kayano · 28/10/2011 08:27

bloody hell I never knew about advanced search

you say they are not bad but considered leaving your husband because of them? And now they can't take 1 dc out at a time.
Get a grip!

halcyondays · 28/10/2011 08:47

They aren't treating them differently, they didn't take your ds1 until he was 2, so if your ds2 isn't one yet, then they are doing the same with him. He's only a baby, it's not as if he's old enough to realise that ds1 is going out with his gps and he isn't.

MenopausalHaze · 28/10/2011 08:49

bruxeur Fri 28-Oct-11 05:55:50

100% weapons-grade purebred wholegrain mental. Just like Mommy Dearest used to make

Love this post. 100% bang on the money!

scattermummy · 28/10/2011 08:52

I hope I don't end up with a DIL like you.You sound rigid,controlling and awkward.I have 4ds and the big three stay over at my mums separately to get one on one time.The youngest is 5and a pain in the arse:o so he doesn't stay over yet,but when is is easier,he can.It would not be fair on my mum.she does however see him every weekend when I visit her.

531800000008 · 28/10/2011 08:53

oh dear

OP YABU but not sure why you asked because you want affirmation of your unreasonableness which as you can see ain't coming

ta-ra

SandStorm · 28/10/2011 08:58

Where does your DD fit into all of this?

ShroudOfHamsters · 28/10/2011 09:01

Oh, 'end of', is it? Ooh yes you lay the law down missy

It's YOU whose arguments are weak. Right. Simple short sentences for you. Your first DS, they didn't feel confident having him alone until he was 2. Second child, they say EXACTLY THE SAME THING. He's 1, they don't feel confident having him yet. That's FAIR ENOUGH. they aren't treating the children ANY differently. But you've decided that's not good enough.

Can't you see that you sound bonkers? You don't want the children treated differently? But that's exactly what you're asking for. For DC2 to have alone time with grandparents at 1 when DC1 didn't have that til 2.

They'll see that they're being treated differently? Well no, firstly because they're not, secondly, by the time DC1 is 3 and notices at all, they'll both be going.

I'm sure the above will go in one ear and out the other btw, because from the way you post it sounds as if you're not the type to listen to any other point of view bar your own, add strop as required. You are making some big mistakes here, you know. The bottom line is that your PIL don't have to look after your children at all- if you're happy with their care, and you want them to have a good relationship, you are being very silly to act like this. You're making a total fool of yourself.

Dialsmavis · 28/10/2011 09:01

Yabu (obviously) My Mum has my eldest child over night because she loves and adores him and they enjoy eachothers company. She won't have the baby overnight as she doesn't feel comfortable having sole charge of such a young child for so long. It means no nights out for us until the baby is old enough for my Mum to feel happy and relaxed looking after her for a proplonged period. That's fine, they are my DC and the outside worl will bethere waiting for me(I hope). She doesn't love the baby less.

BlueKangaroo22 · 28/10/2011 09:06

im going to be the odd one out here and say YANBU ds2 has a pushchair doesnt he? how hard is it to push him for a walk, are they that decrepid?

pigletmania · 28/10/2011 09:06

Yabvu by the time tour ds2 is old enough to realise he will be old enough to go to nannies house with ds1. A 1 year old baby is not going to notice. It isvery hard looking after a baby

Putrifyno · 28/10/2011 09:09

Sandstorm - I was wondering about the dd too

welliesandpyjamas · 28/10/2011 09:10

What a hilariously stubborn and narrow-visioned OP

No, YANBU, the whole world is full of Wrong People. I mean, what on earth do your PIL know, FFS, they are after all old and, well, just Right not you. Tell them to stop having their own opinions and instincts about everything.

531800000008 · 28/10/2011 09:11

BlueKangaroo, the GPs are not confident caring for a baby

Perhaps they have arthritic hands, buckles and straps can be stiff or tricky

Squitten · 28/10/2011 09:13

FWIW, I also think YABU

The notion that your kids must never ever be treated differently will fall on its face pretty quickly. What about when your older one is going to school parties that your youngest can't go to? What about their own birthdays?

My MIL will often take DS1 (3) out alone without DS2 (11mths) because a) dealing with a fully toilet-trained, weaned, walking child is massively easier than a baby and b) DS2 neither knows nor cares and c) DS1 knows that his brother is too small to do most things.

You really are being immature and cutting off your nose to spite your face

531800000008 · 28/10/2011 09:14

oh, hah hah hah advanced search is VERY illuminating

I'm offski

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