Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

When is too tactile something to worry about

67 replies

bickie · 27/10/2011 21:50

This is something I have no experience of - and so feel very odd even putting it down in writing - but my sisters new boyfriend is a very nice middle class university educated guy - sorry to put it in those terms - but need to stress - very normal guy. But he is incredibly tactile with my children - to the point it feels creepy. I just came upstairs as he was telling my Dc a bedtime story (sister was also there) and he had his arm around my dd (8) and then knelt over my son (10) to kiss and hug him goodbye - and it almost looked like he was wanking on top of him - he was only tickling him - but it freaked me out. I adore my sister - and so happy she has found this guy - but I cannot shake the feeling there is something odd. He is perfectly normal when not around the children. Does anyone have any experience in knowing whether I should see these as warning signals - or am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:

Bohica · 27/10/2011 21:53

I'd say trust your own instincts, have you spoken to your children about their body being theres only etc.

Sorry if this sounds very heavy but I believe in trusting my gut instincts.

What do you know about him?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/10/2011 21:54

I'm not saying it's fine, I'm not saying it's creepy - I don't know. I very much doubt he's doing anything untoward in full view of everyone with your sister right there.

However - rule of thumb - something is too much when you start to feel uncomfortable with it.

So, to answer your question - now - basically. It's too tactile when you feel it's too tactile.

Perhaps you feel that it is too much for someone who is new in your lives and should really be something that develops over time rather than so full on from the start?

ImperialBlether · 27/10/2011 21:56

Hmmm. Such a difficult problem as there's no way of finding out whether he's trustworthy or not without sacrificing your children, which obviously you can't do.

I would say go with your instincts.

BertieBotts · 27/10/2011 21:56

It's hard to tell. It's strange that from tickling you would jump to wanking? I'm finding this very difficult to picture. Not saying I don't believe you, just wondered if there was any more context?

If he's a new boyfriend of your sister's, why is he reading your DC's a bedtime story?

AgentZigzag · 27/10/2011 21:59

If you don't feel comfortable with the way he behaves around your children, you're well within your rights to say something.

And then keep them as separated as possible.

Are there any reasons why you might have interpreted the situation the way you have?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 27/10/2011 21:59

It's possible that he comes from a very affectionate family, or is trying a bit too hard to show how 'good' he is with DC. I'd suggest being guided by their reactions and make sure they know about their bodies being their own and that they can tell you if anyone/anything makes them uncomfortable.

bonnieslilsister · 27/10/2011 22:04

Maybe he is trying to impress your sis or something, either way I wouldn't leave him alone with your kids and yes, have that talk with them. Most people now are really aware of keeping themselves free from accusations by not behaving like that with other people's children...sounds a bit naive if he is not creepy.

Andrewofgg · 27/10/2011 22:05

Bertie Botts if he wasn't worrying OP by being over-tactile the answer to our last question would be because he's a lovely bloke. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with a man reading his gf's DCs a bedtime story. When DW was dear fiancee I was a favourite with her cousin's LOs who took to me well. Now their children are doing the same thing.

But as it is, of course, OP must follow Agent Zigzag's advice which is spot on.

Original poster

bickie · 27/10/2011 22:07

We are all way together on holiday - and they asked for DS to come up and read a story and he went up too. I know it wounds weird the wanking bit - I won't go into the graphic details - but it looked like it As he lay on top of my son and his arm was jerking up and down - and then he just got up - and my son looked completely non-0plussed and just said good night and rolled over - which is why I think I am being a weirdo - my children have known him for over 6 months - and haven't shown any signs of thinking he is odd. It is all me worrying about it for some reason that I can't put my finger on. My DH commented on it in the early days - but concluded - good bloke - just more tactile than the normal British guy. But if you were concerned but with no real reason - what would you do about it? Is it enought to tell my children to tell me if anyone tries to touch them? The little bit I have read about anything like this is kids for whatever reason don't tell adults - is that what really does happen - kids cover it up? I am sure the poor guy is just tactile - and I am being repressed middle class nightmare.

OP posts:

Bohica · 27/10/2011 22:11

YY Bonnie naive and not so creepy could be an option. How old is he, how many children in his family circle, siblings etc?

I've always been very open with my children(3 girls) with being naked and comfortable around them and with my body and if they have made for a poke or a grab of my bits n pieces I've told them that belongs to mummy and only mummy touches it (and daddy when that talk happened) and explained their bits belong to them and they have the right to say no to anyone touching it, noone else would want to touch a littlle girls bits and always talk to mummy or daddy etc I've also explained about feelings in your tummy and knowing when to come and find mummy.

Sorry if you've already done this op, just thought I'd share.

bonnieslilsister · 27/10/2011 22:13

As he lay on top of my son and his arm was jerking up and down dont like that bit

squeakyfreakytoy · 27/10/2011 22:14

lay on top of him????

Original poster

bickie · 27/10/2011 22:16

As I read your wise council - I am thinking he fits the naive description better than the weirdo one. I think I freaked out as I haven't come across someone who is constantly hugging and stroking my Dc backs etc so much - too British for that! He is 37 - and has a pretty important job - albeit on deserted oil rigs. Perhaps he has just not been around families a lot?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 27/10/2011 22:16

Don't take the lack of signs from the children or them not saying anything about it as proof he's not up to anything.

He most likely isn't, but what children say unprovoked isn't a good indicator to base your judgement on.

RavenVonChaos · 27/10/2011 22:18

Just a point worth noting, i hated being tickled by adults when I was a kid. felt very powerless.

Don't leave the kids on their own with him if you feel uncomfortable. I have stressed this to my daughter about her own boyfriend - who I am sure is perfectly nice - but he is not to be left with the girls. Maybe he has kids around him and is used to being this way.

Original poster

bickie · 27/10/2011 22:18

Yes - it was the laying on top of him that completely threw me and sent me scurrying away to mums net - I can hear them all now carrying on the dinner party downstairs as I am up here fretting and asking for advice.

OP posts:

spiderpig8 · 27/10/2011 22:21

I think its very weird for a non-related man to kiss and hug a 10 yr old boy.What does your son think about it? Mt DSs wouldn't have liked it (big understatement)at this age.
It seems odd to me.Is he tactile with everyone?

ZombieWhirl · 27/10/2011 22:22

Hmmm sounds weird to an outsider. I'd probably make sure dcs were not left alone with this guy, 'nice' bloke or not, there is NO reason to lay on top of a child.

Don't let social niceties stop you protecting your children. Ask him not to touch the Dc. If he's 'normal' he won't care and if not, he knows you have noticed......

Sounds difficult situ- good luck!

Bohica · 27/10/2011 22:23

I'd say, be aware of it and see how you feel during the rest of the holiday. Try and find out if he comes from a large family and what other relationships he has outside of the one with your sister.

I wouldn't be leaving him alone with my children just yet but as I said before that's more because I do trust my own instinct.

DroveABroomstick · 27/10/2011 22:24

No no no ...don't like this guy . Keep him away from your children .

Original poster

bickie · 27/10/2011 22:25

Yes - he is definitely like it with everyone - very tactile with my brother, me, my DH. My DS is a very timid quiet kid, he kisses all of us (my family) goodnight - and I suspect just sees this man as part of the family as he now comes away with us - so he wouldn't think it weird to kiss and hug him goodnight.

OP posts:

Tchootnika · 27/10/2011 22:26

I very much doubt he's doing anything untoward in full view of everyone with your sister right there.

You can't be sure about this, actually. Inappropriate touching (abuse) of children and vulnerable people does in fact take place when other people are around.
Which is not necessarily to say that this man is a threat to your children.
But it seems like you're saying that you're wary of this man not just because of his behaviour, but because of your son's reaction to him.
I think you need to find a way to gently ask your children if they're comfortable around him - difficult, I know, but this is what's important, really.

Bohica · 27/10/2011 22:29

I don't like you last post. Have you spoken to your son at all about spacial awareness and body ownership.

I think it's lovely that you are such a close family and your son is confident in himself and not shy or "to big" to kiss everyone goodnight but this man isn't family and the main point is he has made you feel uncomfortable.

CreepyCaesar · 27/10/2011 22:48

I would put clear boundaries in place that you and your DH are happy with and quickly.

But for me the issue is that you are normalising an adult male who is not part of your family (6 months is not long enough I don't think) being tactile, being in DS bedroom etc etc...

so if anything inappropriate was to happen either with this man or any one else your DS may think it was normal behaviour?

A few years ago sister allowed my niece who was about 4 at the time to be babysat by her mate's DH. Knew him well and was a nice bloke.

My niece spent her evening (till way past her bed time) watching dvd's in a double bed with this man, they were both wearing in pj's and in bed. She knew him but he had never looked after her before.
Nothing happened but I felt it sent totally the wrong message to DN that that is normal and ok behaviour.

My sister accused me of paranoia and that I was over reacting when I pointed this out.

Others might agree with her but I think you are better to go with your gut and make clear to your sister what you expect.

BertieBotts · 27/10/2011 22:50

Yes but Andrew, these aren't his GF's children, they are his new girlfriend's sister's children. A new boyfriend is different to a fiance.

Although can see how situation would occur when all on holiday together.

Flip

1 2 3