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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When is too tactile something to worry about

67 replies

bickie · 27/10/2011 21:50

This is something I have no experience of - and so feel very odd even putting it down in writing - but my sisters new boyfriend is a very nice middle class university educated guy - sorry to put it in those terms - but need to stress - very normal guy. But he is incredibly tactile with my children - to the point it feels creepy. I just came upstairs as he was telling my Dc a bedtime story (sister was also there) and he had his arm around my dd (8) and then knelt over my son (10) to kiss and hug him goodbye - and it almost looked like he was wanking on top of him - he was only tickling him - but it freaked me out. I adore my sister - and so happy she has found this guy - but I cannot shake the feeling there is something odd. He is perfectly normal when not around the children. Does anyone have any experience in knowing whether I should see these as warning signals - or am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:

MoaninMinny · 28/10/2011 12:40

I think at that age they should kiss/hug parents only.

now that is weird

so grandparents can kiss/hug the children? or aunties and uncles, cousins, friends

no wonder we are in such a muddle

FoxyRoxy · 28/10/2011 13:03

Pessimistic I didn't say someone had to be a blood relative, I pointed out that at 10 years old my ds isn't comfortable with kisses from another male, even his DSD. He wouldn't kiss my brother either! To most kids that age kisses are "gross" and a man who is kissing a 10 year old... Well the 10 year old might not feel comfortable at that.

Tchootnika · 28/10/2011 17:27

Surely it should be up to DCs to choose who kisses/hugs them, rather than certain people having inalienable rights to do so on the basis of blood ties/number of years in contact with family, or something similarly arbitrary and, um, weird...?

Tchootnika · 28/10/2011 17:28

at Moanin, btw, not you, Foxy.

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 28/10/2011 17:34

Not really got any advice

However, my cousin is ten, he's known dp since he was four, were a close family, my mum was his FT childminder so he spent 8-4 5days a week at our house when me and dp lived at mums, he doesn't kiss him, its more of a 'I'm cool' lean hug, shoulder pat y'know, even I only kiss him on top of his head anything more makes him a bit squirmy, obviously he's totally different with parents and grandparents.

Something isn't sitting right for me...

FoxyRoxy · 28/10/2011 18:03

Tchoonika that's what I was trying to say, most boys that age are a bit squirmy about kissing, the op's ds may feel awkward but doesn't want to seem impolite?

SouthGoingZax · 28/10/2011 18:09

Trust your instincts.

Do not leave your DCs alone with this guy.

Tchootnika · 28/10/2011 18:12

I know, I agree, Fox. (Was just going a bit heavy on emoticons - was at Moan comment, though.)

CheeseyZitLover · 28/10/2011 18:26

Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh tricky one.......i'm fairly tactile with my friends kids, that said they're younger and happy to tolerate auntie cheese jumping on em and being covered in kisses [hwink]

racingheart · 28/10/2011 18:28

OP, you say he's very tactile. Is he also very tactile with your husband and you? Does he keep putting his arm around both of you and hugging you more frequently than you'd like? If all the touchy feely stuff is reserved for the kids, that might worry me. But, as others have said, the most important thing is how your DC feel about it. If they don't like it, he can't do it.

Pagwatch · 28/10/2011 18:40

Can I just say, because it cones up on here all the time, a child may not regard inappropriate touching as that. A child does not understand it is wrong, will not necessarily find initial touching awful or bad.

A child may actually behave in a very warm way towards an abuser because they get attention and are made to feel special. Why do you think so few children tell? It is only once lines have been crossed that a child may want to tell but can't because they are now implicated and feel 'guilty'. Paedophiles are often supremely charming, extraordinarily manipulative.

So no. Don't be guided by your child showing fear or anxiety. Sometimes it may be quite the opposite.

LineRunnerWitchyMother · 28/10/2011 18:52

I agree with pagwatch - and would add that my own experience of being forced to 'politely' kiss relatives and let them tickle and touch me means that I know from experience that even in innocent situations there can be a sense of loathing on the part of the child that does not come across as such.

Tchootnika · 28/10/2011 18:52

I agree, Pagwatch, but (sorry if I'm going off track here), isn't it likely that children will welcome attention like this when they're not having their need for attention being met elsewhere.

I also want to add that I'm a bit wary of the advice about talking to DCs generally about boundaries etc. in response to your concerns about this man, OP, because if they are uncomfortable with his behaviour then this sort of general talk would in effect be putting an extra burden on them at quite an odd time - allowing a threat into their lives and then saying 'here are the boundaries, it's your responsibility to maintain them'.

I know this advice isn't meant in that way, but if you're really concerned, I think you need to be a lot more direst than that.

Fluffymonster · 28/10/2011 18:54

It sounds a bit odd to me. There's tactile and there's inappropriate. A grown man lying on top of a 10yo boy is inappropriate, surely.

I'd be a bit wary of leaving my kids alone with him. And as he is your sister's new bf, regardless of how much he's treated as a member of the family, he isn't. None of you really know him that well.

Tchootnika · 28/10/2011 18:54

I agree completely, LineRunner.

That's why you need to talk to your children directly rather than in a general way, OP.

Pagwatch · 28/10/2011 20:33

Tchootnika

I suspect that is probably true. But a much loved child in a happy home situation can still feel a lack of attention even if it only in that bizarre 'you like him/her more than me' competition with a sibling.

I am not for a moment suggesting anything at all about the ops situation. I just feel a sort of obligation to balance common misconceptions when I see them.

The cliche of a terrified child too scared to speak up is highly prevalent -even the nspcc use it in the adverts. Abuse is far from straightforward. I know to look for an overly emotional relationship with an adult rather than just fear. And I know not to assume my child is fine because I love them.

cantspel · 28/10/2011 20:45

In the op you posted that he leant over to kiss him goodnight but later on you say he was laying on top of him. I cant see the jump from one to the other. He wasn't alone with your child nor had he tried to get him alone. He read a bedtime story with another adult present.

If he did indeed just lean over him and give him a kiss goodnight then i think the issue is more you as there is nothing weird, wrong or nasty about a innocent kiss goodnight. And i think it is a pretty sad state to be in when you start to see sexual predetors everywhere.

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