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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When is too tactile something to worry about

67 replies

bickie · 27/10/2011 21:50

This is something I have no experience of - and so feel very odd even putting it down in writing - but my sisters new boyfriend is a very nice middle class university educated guy - sorry to put it in those terms - but need to stress - very normal guy. But he is incredibly tactile with my children - to the point it feels creepy. I just came upstairs as he was telling my Dc a bedtime story (sister was also there) and he had his arm around my dd (8) and then knelt over my son (10) to kiss and hug him goodbye - and it almost looked like he was wanking on top of him - he was only tickling him - but it freaked me out. I adore my sister - and so happy she has found this guy - but I cannot shake the feeling there is something odd. He is perfectly normal when not around the children. Does anyone have any experience in knowing whether I should see these as warning signals - or am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
PessimisticMissPiggy · 28/10/2011 00:08

Poor bloke, sounds like he's just trying to be like an uncle to OPs children.

You've shown him that he's welcome to spend time with your family and he's making an effort with your DCs. It's sad that some respondents think that it's freaky to show affection to a child. Must be a paedo!

If you're not happy with it, ask him to tone it down in a polite way 'If you hug and kiss them too much they'll never leave you alone' or 'hey, I'd rather that you saved all your love for my sis until you put a ring on her finger/move in together' or better still 'You're not a permanent fixture yet, so I don't want the kids getting too attached.' Please don't go into heavy handed.

LineRunnerWitchyMother · 28/10/2011 00:17

I think it sounds unpleasant for your DC - god knows I had enough 'be nice' crap when I was a kid with creepy adults around, even with my parents in the room. I hated it. I hated adults touching me just because we were all too polite to say No.

I'd tell him and your sister that it stops. Now. And if they've got a problem with that, then they need to think it through why it's so important to them that your sister's boyfriend behaves like this. I mean, he doesn't need to, does he?

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 28/10/2011 00:18

I just came upstairs as he was telling my Dc a bedtime story (sister was also there) and he had his arm around my dd (8) and then knelt over my son (10) to kiss and hug him goodbye

That's a long way from he was lying on top of my son

... and your sister was there.

Apart from anything else it sounds like as a family you are not particularly tactile and his family are.

I actually think you have probably got some issues you need to work through that are nothing to do with this guy :(

LineRunnerWitchyMother · 28/10/2011 00:27

Oh, and just because a man isn't a paedophile doesn't give him the right to touch children without their consent and give their mother the creeps.

FoxyRoxy · 28/10/2011 00:34

My ds is 10 and my DH who has been around him for 5 years hugs but doesn't kiss him. It's overly familiar, what this bf is doing. If you feel uncomfortable you are quite within your rights to say something. YANBU

PessimisticMissPiggy · 28/10/2011 00:37

So to kiss a child you have to be a blood relative?

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2011 00:38

The OP wouldn't be posting if it was just a kiss PMP.

PerryCombover · 28/10/2011 00:41

Simply don't leave your children alone with anyone who gives you or them the creeps
Never tell them not to be silly
Always listen to their views complaints moans wrt other people

Allows them to trust you ad give them a sense that they have atonomy and a right to decide
I know this sounds obvious but we had a v touchy uncle who we were constantly being made to give kisses to as children etc let him get us drinks...our parents thought that they were stopping us acting up by telling us to not be silly etc

susiedaisy · 28/10/2011 00:42

I don't understand how it went from leaning over boy to give him a kiss goodnight with sister watching to lying on top of boy with hand jerkingConfused

susiedaisy · 28/10/2011 00:43

Or arm jerkingConfused

PessimisticMissPiggy · 28/10/2011 00:48

Sorry Agent I was referring to Foxy's post.

I agree that if the OP feels uncomfortable then she should say something tactfully, but I'm concerned at how men being affectionate seems to ring alarm bells with people.

crystalglasses · 28/10/2011 00:49

I was sexually abused as a child although it didn't really affected me at the time I definitely had a well developed 'antenna' for adults who i thought were touching me inappropriately. I used my experience when talking about inapproporiate touching with my dc. For example one of my 'uncles' was definitely in the habit of touching me up, and I used to tense up whenever he picked me up, whereas I was completely at ease with another 'uncle'. I eventually told my mother and it must have been dealt with by her because the 'uncle' never bothered me again. What I'm trying to say is that I think that if a child knows that his own mother has had this sort of experience it can send out a message to the child that it is ok to talk about it.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 28/10/2011 00:56

LineRunner - I'm sorry you felt that way as a child. However, it doesn't mean that you can tar everyone with the same brush.

FoxyRoxy - I find that incredibly sad tbh.

Nowhere does the OP say her son was uncomfortable with her sisters boyfriend:

my son looked completely non-0plussed and just said good night and rolled over - which is why I think I am being a weirdo - my children have known him for over 6 months - and haven't shown any signs of thinking he is odd

My DS is a very timid quiet kid, he kisses all of us (my family) goodnight - and I suspect just sees this man as part of the family as he now comes away with us - so he wouldn't think it weird to kiss and hug him goodnight

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2011 00:58

I wouldn't say it's just men PMP, DD1 said my auntie (who is a totally reasonable and 'normal' person) stuck her tongue in her ear a couple of years ago Hmm

When DD protested, my auntie said she regularly did it to her own DDs.

That's as may be, but it's not OK to do it to random children you see.

Like you say, it's important not to overreact, but at the same time I see the OP as trying to get some perspective on how she feels.

When something like this happens you really can be in a void as to whether your mind's playing tricks on you or whether you should listen to your intuition.

Nobody wants to make the wrong call.

PessimisticMissPiggy · 28/10/2011 01:15

Agent so anyone being affectionate with anyone's children but their own rings bells with most people?

I'm very affectionate with my nieces, nephews and friends' DCs; lots of cuddles, kisses and tickles. You make me think that I'm being inappropriate because they aren't my children.

However I draw the line at sticking my tongue in their ears!

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2011 01:27

I don't think you're being inappropriate at all PMP, but it all depends on the norm of where you live/how you were brought up.

And this may be what's happening with the OP, the bloke feels really comfortable and close to the DC and is just being relaxed and friendly with them.

But I think it's part of a parents job to monitor (and judge, like it or not) other peoples interactions with their children.

This involves considering the unthinkable at the same time as being flexible.

The OP would be unreasonable to be like a dog with a bone and refuse to consider other scenarios are a possible explanation, but she seems to me to just thrashing it out in her head and on MN.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 28/10/2011 01:43

You need to trust your instincts and STOP letting a stranger kiss and touch your dc!

Original poster
bickie · 28/10/2011 08:18

Ok - thanks for all those views. It has been really helpful. I suspect I am being an idiot - and this guy is just genuinely fond of children - and shows it through physical contact. We as a family do kiss each other - but I would say not overly tactile. However - to be on the safe side - and because I think it is a good idea anyway - I am going to have a chat to them about their bodies and privacy etc. it has occured to me as I have younger dc (3 and 2) as well as the older two (10 and 8) that I have not really moved the older ones on to not running around naked, sharing baths etc. and thinking about their bodies in a more mature way.

OP posts:
PenguinsAreThePoint · 28/10/2011 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icelollycraving · 28/10/2011 09:43

I don't really know what to suggest. My dh was very good with my nieces when he met but never overstepped boundaries. Perhaps have a word with sister along the lines of 'he is very affectionate with the children,has he got experience with children?' follow up with 'I want you to enjoy your break so I'll do bedtime with them tonight' Do the body awareness chat with them when it feels right.

thunderboltsandlightning · 28/10/2011 09:57

I think you need to talk to him, not your children.

It's up to you to protect them, not them to protect themselves. They are far too young. And if the adults around them aren't doing anything about it, they'll get the message that it's fine. You're getting a bad vibe from what he's doing and it appears you're planning on ignoring it. Why? Ask yourself how you would have felt in your son's position for this man to be lying/kneeling? on top of you and kissing you good night. If you wouldn't have liked it, why should he?

I take it you don't normally have this reaction to men around your children, so you're clearly not overreacting.

Hardgoing · 28/10/2011 10:25

He's not from a different culture is he? In my husband's culture it is much more normal for men to be hands on with children, by which I mean things like throwing them up in the air, tickling, playing physical games, even if you've only just met them (but are family friends). Even on a plane, I've had a young lad (about 20) play peekabook and tickle my daughter's hand (not body!), which is unthinkable for a 20 year old lad in our culture, and he was with his friends and my DH and I were there, having fun with children is something normal to them.

Having said that, instincts should be followed. I think this probably felt intrusive or a bit dodgy as it was in the bedroom. There's a big difference between throwing children around outside in full view of the parents (my children love this), than having them up in someone's bedroom when they are in their pyjamas. I do bedtimes in our house, as does daddy and personally I would keep any cuddly reading of stories for downstairs before you take them upstairs yourself.

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2011 11:20

Was he actually lying on top of your son? He sounds like he has no boundaries, OP. Most men would be very careful about the way they deal with young children - that's why they act in a jokey/formal way and shake hands instead of giving them a kiss.

Andrewofgg · 28/10/2011 12:11

Most men would be very careful about the way they deal with young children - that's why they act in a jokey/formal way and shake hands instead of giving them a kiss.

I do that, ImperialBlether, but it's not a joke with me: I find they appreciate being treated as I would treat as an adult. Since my SILs and I always exchange a peck on the cheek when we meet and part I have always done the same with their daughters, DW's now adult nieces.

SnapesMistressofFear · 28/10/2011 12:21

I would feel odd about tbh, I am not a tactile person at all and would find it very odd. At the end of the day they are your DC's and you have the right to veto any behavior around them you feel is inappropriate.