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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask BIL to pay rent?

63 replies

trickorsweet · 27/10/2011 18:55

BIL has been staying with us since he and his wife split up 2 months ago. He didn't have anywhere to go and since we had the space we invited him to stay with us until he got himself back on his feet. Since we only thought he was going to be staying for a few weeks we didn't bother asking him for rent or help towards food.

Now he's been for 2 months and it doesn't look likely that he'll be leaving any time soon as he says he can't afford to rent and won't even look at any of the cheap properties I've printed out. I don't mind him staying, he's good with our DCs, helps with the housework and homework etc.

BUT (I'm getting to the point now I promise!) he eats like a horse, seems to wash his clothes one item at a time, uses electric like it's going out of fashion. He'll turn on his computer, games console, light, electric heater and then come downstairs without turning it all off and sit and watch TV. It was DD's birthday yesterday and I left some cake for her to take into school for classmates and he ate it so I now will have to go and buy another one.

He gets paid around £200 a week. A certain amount of that goes to his ex and their DS, petrol, lunches at work, a day out for his DS once a week. He has said that after all that he only has £100 left.

I told him recently that if he's going to be staying then he'll need to start paying his way. He argues that he has no money. Surely he can even spare £30 a week? He says no, that money's "all he has to live on" YET he doesn't have to buy food, washing powder etc so he just spends it all on pizzas, going down the pub, new clothes.

DH says to just leave him, we can afford it, he's upset after the split but why should he get to live here rent-free? I want to just march up to him and tell him that he'll pay a small amount of rent (I mean, I'm not asking him to cough up £50!) but DH says IABU.

Am I?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 27/10/2011 18:59

I wouldn't 'march up and tell him' but I certainly would ask him to contribute.

Kayano · 27/10/2011 19:01

I was in a very similar position to you... Address it ASAP honestly or you will get resentful and annoyed and it will cause issues with u and DH eventually.

Yes he has had a hard time, but he shouldn't be allowed to take the piss

Uglymush · 27/10/2011 19:02

YANBU to ask him to contribute to household bills.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 27/10/2011 19:03

YANBU

A good, decent man would want to contribute to your household and would be so appreciative of you all putting him up that he would helpful and considerate. You shouldn't even have to ask, after this amount of time he should have offered. Did you tell him the cake he ate was meant for DD's friends? I'm assuming there were several pieces the greedy git! Come winter the heating thing will annoy the hell out of you too.

LikeABlackFlameCandleBNQ · 27/10/2011 19:04

I would give him a deadline. e.g from 1st Dec, you will be charging £25 a week. Small amount, considering he has £100 each week spare. Explain to him that the deadline is so he can prepare, or find alternative arrangements.

If you hadn't spoke to him already, Id say yabu, but as he seems to have totaly disregarded your request, ya-definetley-nbu.

No doubt if he cant meet the rent, a friend of his will let him crash there?

Is his attitude with you/rent similar to the reasons he's not with his DP anymore? Maybe he free-loaded off her too?

mousyfledermaus · 27/10/2011 19:06

yanbu
template subletting contracts on landlordzone

KatAndKit · 27/10/2011 19:07

If he is living with you he should contribute to your household, both practically and financially. You are definitely not being unreasonable. 30 pounds a week is a token payment really, it probably only covers the increase in your food bill. He should be giving you money before he decides to get new clothes. After all, you have to pay your bills before you buy luxuries for yourself don't you?

He may well be upset but if he is allowed to carry on like this how will he ever get back on his feet again? He is not earning a massive wage so I understand that renting would be hard after he has paid his child support. But I think that 30-50 pounds a week would be reasonable. After all, he wasn't earning lots before either and back then he had all his bills to pay.

I think you should say that if he provides practical help like housework and childcare then you are happy to get just 30 pounds to cover groceries. And I think you need to set some sort of time limit or long term plan as he seems to have no incentive for looking for a place to move to.

warthog · 27/10/2011 19:09

without a doubt he should contribute. he's not a child.

SacreLao · 27/10/2011 19:12

YANBU

I paid £40 a week to my mum when I lived at home aged 18 years old and was working a part time minimum wage crappy job.

It dosn't matter how much money he has, he HAS to pay his own way in life.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 27/10/2011 19:16

YANBU

oldraver · 27/10/2011 19:21

He argues that he only has £100 a week left Shock So he really expects you to keep him. Why does he think he should not have to pay his way. Its not your responsibility to house and feed him.

schroeder · 27/10/2011 19:30

Crumbs, I really wish I had £400 a month to spend on just whatever I like, there's no way you should be supporting a fully grown non-dependant man.

callmemrs · 27/10/2011 19:31

What is the long term plan?
Providing somewhere to stay as a stop gap is one thing, but I assume you don't want him there indefinitely? I think you should discuss this with your dh first and foremost. Once you've agreed how long he can stay, agree on a sensible amount to pay in the meantime . I wouldn't launch straight into talking money, or he might get the notion he's with 'you permanently !

fedupofnamechanging · 27/10/2011 19:43

You are not his mother and are therefore not obligated to love him no matter what and to put up with the sort of attitude you'd expect from a teenager.

Tbh, I'd be wanting him to move out now. It's very rude and disrespectful for him to be taking the line that you should be happy to financially support a grown man indefinitely. If he feels no moral obligation to contribute, then you should feel no moral obligation to keep housing him.

Tell dh (given that it's his brother), that he either stops taking the piss and contributes or he moves out.

NatashaBee · 27/10/2011 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slavetofilofax · 27/10/2011 19:47

I'd go with the idea of telling him that as of 1st December he has to pay £25 per week. And that is him getting a very good deal and you being very generous.

ballstoit · 27/10/2011 19:47

YANBU...as for everyone else in this situation, he should be paying the most he can afford towards his keep to you. While looking for a better paid/more hours/extra part time job for him to be able to afford his own place as soon as possible.

HavePatience · 27/10/2011 19:52

Yanbu
I think he should contribute. however if he is really only making that much per week and if you really can afford it, and if you don't want him there forever, and he's just wasting and not saving any extra cash, then I'd collect the money and put it in a savings account to save up for a deposit for him for a flat/property. Smile

Original poster
trickorsweet · 27/10/2011 19:53

Thanks everyone!

Callmemrs, I would be okay with him staying a few more months as long as he is paying his way. He is genuinely a good guy and I don't mind having him around but if he won't help out then he'll have to go. I just can't afford to keep paying his way. It's that simple.

Schroeder, I wish I did too!

WhoWho, he was aware the birthday cake was for DD's friends, yep. We had some on her birthday and I put the rest away, telling everyone not to touch it. I'd even bought some fancy cupcakes so if they wanted, they could have them instead of the cake.

I just feel like if we don't do something now it'll get worse and he'll end up expecting me to do his washing and ironing! He'll get a shock then.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 27/10/2011 19:53

Why 1st December, when 1st November is next week?

He should pay for the difference in food, certainly. Are you able to work that out? He should also pay an extra £10 or so for the extra electricity. It's not fair that you have to pay for him, when he has £100 per week spare. It doesn't matter whether you can afford it or not.

KatAndKit · 27/10/2011 19:56

Er, she isn't his mum, why should she be doing his saving for him?
He has 400 pounds a month of disposable income at the moment. I don't think it is unreasonable of him to give some of that to her. I bet she doesn't have 400 pounds a month to spend on beer and pizza and new clothes! He should also save money by taking a packed lunch to work and taking his kids to somewhere less expensive for the day, or spending time with them at yours. Or the local park or something else free. it doesn't have to be expensive activities every week.

Original poster
trickorsweet · 27/10/2011 20:00

ImperialBlether, tbh we can't afford it, not right now.

DH has a good job and bring in a good wage but recently there has been some problems at work and his wages are down. It isn't anyone's fault, just business. Okay, we are secure and I could pay for BIL's food if I really wanted to but I don't and the money could be going towards the DCs.

I've stressed this to DH but he just won't see it.

OP posts:
HavePatience · 27/10/2011 20:10

Blush sorry. My idea was bad. I was just trying to think of a sure fire way to get him out and ensuring he has a deposit would tackle the " I have no money" retort. But it's true - she shouldn't have to save for him.

ImperialBlether · 27/10/2011 20:11

Sorry, in your OP, you said, "DH says to just leave him, we can afford it."

I don't think you should pay for his food, that's just ridiculous.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/10/2011 20:15

trickorsweet, it's your house too and you have a right to be happy with the living arrangements. I would tell dh that bil contributes or he leaves. Remind dh that while he might be happy to subsidise bil at your family's expense, you are not.

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